Author Topic: Mommy Wars  (Read 6886 times)

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kareng57

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #15 on: June 16, 2013, 12:08:23 AM »
It doesn't necessarily end even when your kids are adults.

Last summer, longtime friends of mine had a party to show off all their recent home renovations.  And my DS #1 and his fiancee showed up briefly to announce their engagement (I knew ahead of time) and to show off the wedding ring.  And - another longtime "friend" quizzed me as to whether they'd been living together beforehand - "yes".  "And that's all right with you?"  "Yes, of course it's fine".  "Oh, well.."  from her.

This was after just about the worst year of my life - I'd received my pink slip from my job only a few weeks after my husband had died.  (She knew all this).  This is one of the more joyous moments I'd had in a long time, and she chose this time to promote her extreme-conservative agenda??  In the end it does not really matter, we're not inviting them to the wedding.. :)

(Evil kareng figures that pseudo-friend's own son, the teenage Prince who is a master scholar, athlete and philospher, probably has no idea that Mom was previously married and divorced very quickly.  I'd be so tempted to casually drop it into the conversation if I was every alone with him, which wouldn't happen, and which I really would not do anyway.  But let me have my fantasies...)

mechtilde

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #16 on: June 16, 2013, 05:12:52 AM »
When it comes to "mommy wars", the only winning move is not to play.

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blarg314

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #17 on: June 16, 2013, 09:09:46 PM »

I find that the Mommy Wars can be what I think of as 'clumpy'.  In other words, most parents are not inflexible, know it all and holier than thou  about all aspects of parenting. But often each individual set of parents has one or two things that they feel very strongly about, to the point of lecturing or censuring other parents who don't agree with them. So you can get along with a particular person on 90% of parenting choices, but there is one or two areas that drive you away from them because they just won't leave it alone.

There are, however, as other people have said, individual people who are obnoxious about everything. I don't usually use comments on news articles as a measure of the general population, given the high level of trollishness/strident idiocy on even vaguely controversial topics.

cwm

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #18 on: June 17, 2013, 02:45:35 PM »
Disclaimer: I'm not a mommy, and don't ever really plan on being one. I'd rather be the cool auntie.

Having seen several friends/family members with their children, I find it hard to think that someone would berate another mother for doing their best without knowing everything about their situation. I know a woman who tried so hard to breastfeed and cried herself to sleep every night because she couldn't and she thought she was failing her child. I know another woman who breastfed even though she didn't want to because formula was too expensive. I would go to bat for either of those friends against anyone who tried to tell them that what they were doing was "wrong" for any reason. Not in an aggressive way, but just pulling someone aside and telling them that there is more to their decision than anyone else knows and to please leave it alone, this has been well thought out and researched by that woman and it is, after all, her decision.

alis

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #19 on: June 18, 2013, 10:28:29 AM »
Mommy wars = insecurity.

I am considered by many a 'hippy' mother for things like my home birth breastfeeding cosleeping blah blah blah but my best girlfriend let hers cry it out from birth, in a crib in their own room, formula by choice (ie the opposite) and yet we've never had an issue or bickered over it. Our kids are happy healthy and normal. We're both happy and secure with our choices, and trust each other that we make the right decision.

It's insecurity. And usually comes from women hellbent on believing that there is only way to raise a child. Have 4,5+ and tell me they are all the same requiring the same methods! lol!

kelly_jeanie

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #20 on: June 18, 2013, 11:07:50 AM »
Mommy wars = insecurity.

I am considered by many a 'hippy' mother for things like my home birth breastfeeding cosleeping blah blah blah but my best girlfriend let hers cry it out from birth, in a crib in their own room, formula by choice (ie the opposite) and yet we've never had an issue or bickered over it. Our kids are happy healthy and normal. We're both happy and secure with our choices, and trust each other that we make the right decision.

It's insecurity. And usually comes from women hellbent on believing that there is only way to raise a child. Have 4,5+ and tell me they are all the same requiring the same methods! lol!

Some insecurity, yes.  But also some lack of tact in the delivery.  There's a difference between, "I breastfed because of a myriad of reasons that were best for me and my baby," and "I breastfed because if you don't you're lazy and you don't care about your child's health."  My experience has been in person most people are kind and respectful (at least outwardly) of choices, but online some lose their filter.  I've seen a lot more mommy wars online where you donít have to look the other person in the face.

Twik

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #21 on: June 18, 2013, 11:38:28 AM »
I also think that there will always be people who will insist on telling you how to live your life, "for your own good". Most of these people used to use religious practices as their soapbox, but now, we have opportunities for so much more - parenting, health, environmental practices, eating habits. I think it is a downside of human nature that will be with us to the end.
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2littlemonkeys

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #22 on: June 18, 2013, 12:21:48 PM »
I also think that there will always be people who will insist on telling you how to live your life, "for your own good". Most of these people used to use religious practices as their soapbox, but now, we have opportunities for so much more - parenting, health, environmental practices, eating habits. I think it is a downside of human nature that will be with us to the end.

This has been my experience.  The two people I can think of off hand who got in my face about whatever I was doing "wrong" are like that about everything.   One of them is a relative and one of them is a former friend.  They both think they're the boss of everyone.   


Allyson

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #23 on: June 18, 2013, 12:59:02 PM »
I also think that there can be an echo chamber effect, if someone is on a likeminded forum or in-person group, and they are constantly hearing certain opinions over and over, until it becomes so obvious and ingrained that this is the right choice. Several people who all agree on a topic, can start out moderate--we all felt that X was best for our families. But over time, talking to each other about X issue a lot, reinforcing each other, they can come out of the echo chamber feeling 'anyone who doesn't pick Y is obviously wrong'.

fountainof

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #24 on: June 18, 2013, 03:15:27 PM »
Quote
"I breastfed because if you don't you're lazy and you don't care about your child's health."
I always laughed off these kind of comments from people about formula feeding moms by saying I BF because I was too lazy to make bottles.  Seriously, so much work all that washing and sterilizing.  I wanted to BF partly because it was good for DD but also selfishly because if I could do it, it would be easier for me.

I do think mommy wars exist but I try to ignore it.  I don't really care much about other people's parenting style unless it affects me.  For example, if a kid was being mean to DD I wouldn't be comfortable with a parent saying to me "well, we don't like to stifle little Sally" as a reason to let poor behaviour continue.  If they were a friend I would slowly reduce contact.

Emmy

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #25 on: June 18, 2013, 09:38:07 PM »
I hate when the 'experts' use their platform to be judgmental.  I read a website by an 'expert' who had published book and he said things like putting a child in a room by themselves was cruel and almost all women should be able to make enough breast milk and supplementing with formula was lazy.  I happened to do both these things and my daughter is a great sleeper and happy and healthy.  (I did feel guilt about not being able to exclusively breast feed probably because of postpartum blues, but figured that it was better for the baby to get enough nutrition than starve her in the name of exclusively breastfeeding).  My selfish tendencies are coming through again, but I feel if I am happy (like getting enough sleep and not living my life hooked to a breast pump), then I can be a better, more attentive, more loving mother which is better for my family.  It just burns me that an 'expert' would be so judgmental in pushing their own agenda. 

Slartibartfast

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #26 on: June 18, 2013, 11:07:46 PM »
I mostly hate the "mommy" thing as a demographic, because advertisers make some pretty patronizing assumptions about me.  (Yes, I may be a stay-at-home mom with two kids under five - that doesn't mean I want to buy your cleaning products, religious paraphernalia, diet supplements, exercise videos, self-help book, crafting idea magazine, etc.  Not all those things appeal to everyone who is called "mommy" by a three-foot-tall human.)

EnoughAlready22

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Re: Mommy Wars
« Reply #27 on: June 19, 2013, 09:34:13 AM »
Quote
"I breastfed because if you don't you're lazy and you don't care about your child's health."
I always laughed off these kind of comments from people about formula feeding moms by saying I BF because I was too lazy to make bottles.  Seriously, so much work all that washing and sterilizing.  I wanted to BF partly because it was good for DD but also selfishly because if I could do it, it would be easier for me.

I do think mommy wars exist but I try to ignore it.  I don't really care much about other people's parenting style unless it affects me.  For example, if a kid was being mean to DD I wouldn't be comfortable with a parent saying to me "well, we don't like to stifle little Sally" as a reason to let poor behaviour continue.  If they were a friend I would slowly reduce contact.

I love the bolded!  I'm somewhat sensitive to all the breastfeeding mommy wars because I was never able to produce milk.  It can make you feel like a failure for not being able to provide for your child.  But I had to realize that it wasn't my fault, that formula was just as good, and I was doing the best that I could.