Etiquette School is in session! > "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

No, They Can't Spend The Night

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CrochetFanatic:
Thanks a lot.  :)  I guess it's true that I was looking for a way to say no without ticking people off.  It's hard to break old habits.  Thanks for all the input.  I now have a lot of good ideas to fall back on!  The subject hasn't come up, and I hope it won't.  If it does, I think I'll know what to say and I'll be comfortable saying it.  I really appreciate the help!

DavidH:
I know it's common to say there is no need to JADE, but in my experience, the surest way to annoy the person is to say no, and when they ask why say some version of because I said no without giving a reason. 

Here, you can give a number of legitimate reasons.  For example, your room isn't childproof, there are numerous breakable objects that might hurt a toddler, and perhaps most importantly, she isn't potty trained, e.g. taking off her wet pull up and sitting bare bottomed on the couch.  Suggesting an alternative might help, for example, how about her sleeping on the sofa in the lounge or in your parent's bed if they want her to spend the night. 

If they argued, snarky me would say that if she has an accident in my bed, I will visit the parent's home and have a similar one in their bed, but that is almost certainly rude. 

Luci:

--- Quote from: DavidH on September 10, 2013, 03:13:51 PM ---I know it's common to say there is no need to JADE, but in my experience, the surest way to annoy the person is to say no, and when they ask why say some version of because I said no without giving a reason. 

Here, you can give a number of legitimate reasons.  For example, your room isn't childproof, there are numerous breakable objects that might hurt a toddler, and perhaps most importantly, she isn't potty trained, e.g. taking off her wet pull up and sitting bare bottomed on the couch.  Suggesting an alternative might help, for example, how about her sleeping on the sofa in the lounge or in your parent's bed if they want her to spend the night. 

If they argued, snarky me would say that if she has an accident in my bed, I will visit the parent's home and have a similar one in their bed, but that is almost certainly rude.

--- End quote ---

I found that if I JADE when talking to anyone, it simply trains them to argue against my refusals and expect to go through the whole rounds of discussions for everything.

People know I won't give explanations now, so don't try it. I almost kicked my husband when he told his family that we had a wedding and graduation from my side of the family long since planned, so I wouldn't attend the shower. I did get by the next one without being querried, though, so all is good. I thought 45 years of habits had gone down the drain.

MrTango:
With a reasonable person, giving a reason for your decision to say "no" to their request is a way of softening the blow.

The reason people here frequently advise against JADE-ing is because some people (unreasonable, entitled, gimmie-pigs, etc) will use any reason/excuse given as a crack in your resolve.  They think that if they can counter your reasons, that you'll eventually crumble.

DavidH:
Mr. Tango, I think we agree. 

I don't think you need to go multiple rounds with someone, but a brief explanation can a be very helpful.  Even Luci45's example, saying only no I won't attend the shower could be seen as anything from I'd rather pull out my fingernails than spend time with you to I have prior plans I cannot change but really wish I could have been there.  Stating she had a graduation and wedding to attend is going to make the refusal more understandable. 

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