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Author Topic: No, They Can't Spend The Night  (Read 29119 times)

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #30 on: September 10, 2013, 06:59:34 PM »
I know it's common to say there is no need to JADE, but in my experience, the surest way to annoy the person is to say no, and when they ask why say some version of because I said no without giving a reason.   

Here's the thing though...if they are annoyed, that's their problem.  I try my best not to be rude when refusing to do something.  However, I do not take responsibility for someone else's feelings.  If someone says that my response hurt their feelings, I can apologize.  But I cannot stop them from feeling whatever they are feeling at the moment.  I can only try to sincerely mitigate any harm I may have done.

As an adult I am no longer accountable to anyone but myself, the people that pay me to be in a certain place/available at a certain time, and the people I've made a promise to be in a certain place/available at a certain time. 

There are ways to soften the blow of NO without giving reasons for it.


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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #31 on: September 10, 2013, 07:37:12 PM »
Well, it's not that bad! I usually say that I am unable to attend, just don't give the reasons.

They also know that we graciously host 2/3 of the family gettogethers (linen and china at Thanksgiving for 40) where we do all of the major serving, and we are always there for emergencies. They also know that I don't push for reasons if they refuse us. Oftimes someone will ask why someone else isn't coming and I just say I don't remember, because I don't remember. It goes in one ear and out the other.

Tea Drinker

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #32 on: September 10, 2013, 08:43:14 PM »
A reasonable person is going to accept "she has a graduation and a wedding to go to." An unreasonable one is going, next time, to say "but she skipped Sue's shower for those things for her family, she has to come to Livia's!" and/or try to find ways that the person could go to the shower as well as the pre-existing events.

With reasonable people, I say things like "I'd love to, but I'm busy, maybe next time" or "I'm sorry, I can't come to that, but are you free for dinner sometime soon?" (if it's someone I actually want to see). But not everyone is reasonable; most of the people posting here have an idea, by now, of which of their relatives, friends, or acquaintances will take "sorry, I can't" as the opening statement in a negotiation of how you are, really, no matter what, going to do what they asked for.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.


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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #33 on: October 16, 2013, 08:59:47 AM »
I remember being "voluntold" when I had to live with my parents for a short time as an adult to do certain things and act a certain way (mainly by my mother).  At times, being told to watch my young niece and nephew for long periods of time then being criticized for how I handled the kids under her roof.   

The other time was when my grandmother came for a few days visit to see her family in the area after being dropped off my by my aunt & uncle.  I was told that I had to give up my room that also had my computer in it for the stay (and was not allowed much time to use it), get my daily clothes and place them in my sister's old room, get up and go to bed at certain times (even if I had a late work shift, my mother wanted me to go to bed immediately after getting home), etc.  Telling them it was not possible I was not given that choice.