No, They Can't Spend The Night

[CrochetFanatic]

This probably won't be an issue for some time, but knowing my extended family it eventually will be.  If the subject does come up, I know that there will be a ruckus no matter what I say, but I'm trying to figure out a way to run damage control.

Here's the issue: things have mostly been swept under the rug with my uncle and his family, and my mother is on speaking terms with them again.  Things are okay, but I stand by my decision to only interact with them when we happen to be getting together.  Recently, my mother agreed to watch my two little cousins, aged 3 and 1.  To say that the 3-year-old is busy is an understatement, and though I love the kids to death, I wasn't pleased that I got roped into being "hands-on" when it was my mother who had signed on for it.  The 3-year-old, who still isn't potty-trained, took off her wet pull-up and sat on the couch before I could stop her.  I was really out of my element there!  Babies I can handle, but the older one wore me out.  We discussed it after the kids went home, and she said she would respect my decision next time.  Yeah...we'll see. 

Thing is, when their parents came to pick them up (an hour late, but we expected that), my uncle mentioned having the kids sleep over one of these nights.  This is a problem for several reasons.  One, we don't have a spare bedroom, and the 3-year-old won't obey.  Two, the dog and cats would be upset.  And three (because my grandmother once said, "Oh, she can stay in CrochetFanatic's room" the last time the subject came up), my room is a child-free zone.  I like my privacy, the bookcase is not anchored to the wall, and I've got all sorts of things that I don't want the kids messing with or breaking.  In short, an overnight stay is not gonna happen!

So, here's my question.  We're going to say no, because it really doesn't work for us, but I'm trying to think of a polite way to put it that will be less likely to start something, and doesn't involve JADEing.  I can see it now...

Me: My bookcase isn't anchored to the wall--
Them: Well, can't you just anchor it to the wall, then?

First of all, it's not my wall.  Second of all, I don't tell them what to do with their living space.  Would it be rude of me to say, "Sorry, I don't want them going in there."?  Please don't interpret this as my saying the kids aren't welcome.  They are, the just can't spend the night.

[Danika]

Your best bet is to not JADE and to be firm. Your answers have to be vague so they don't try to give you a solution like "just anchor it to the wall, then."

You need to be a broken record. Answer the same way every time.

Aunt/Uncle: 3-year-old is excited to stay the night with you!
You: Sorry, that won't be possible.

Aunt/Uncle: What about next month then? Do you have plans then?
You: Sorry, that won't be possible.

Aunt/Uncle: But, surely, you don't have plans that far in advance. What weekend does work for you?
You: Sorry, that won't be possible.

Aunt/Uncle: Don't you like my 3-year-old?
You: Sorry, that won't be possible.

Aunt/Uncle: But I don't understand. I thought you adored her.
You: I do. It's still not possible.

Aunt/Uncle: But we want to have a romantic date night.
You: Sorry, that won't be possible.

Aunt/Uncle: Grandma said you were free to babysit Friday night.
You: She misspoke. Sorry, that won't be possible.

Grandma: Come on. Aunt and Uncle need a night away.
You: Sorry, that won't be possible. I'm sure there's a babysitter in their neighborhood.

Grandma: But I told them you'd do it. You told me you were staying in on Friday night.
You: Then you misunderstood. Sorry, that won't be possible. Now, you must tell Aunt and Uncle that you misspoke and I will not be watching the 3-year-old all night.

Grandma: But why can't you call them? I will not be telling them any such thing.
You: Sorry, that won't be possible. If there's a knock at the door Friday night, I will be unable to answer it.

[rashea]

Once again, I think you're in a bit of a pickle. You live with your parents. So, in many ways you don't get a say. If Grandma wants the kids over, she can have them. But, you can choose to not be there. You can choose to tell your Mom that you will leave if they show up, and that she should never count on your help unless she clears it with you first.

I would think that if she wanted her grandkids to spend the night, she could have them use an air mattress (or even a crib still) in the living room.

[camlan]

While I agree with Danika's approach--that you find one response and stick with it--it is a little harder to pull this off with family, for several reasons.

So I'd find a response that includes the fact that you aren't willing to take the kids overnight, but also adds in what you *are* willing to do. It will make it seem as if you are trying to work with them, instead of just throwing stone walls up in their faces.

"I'm sorry, we can't take the kids overnight. We can take them from 5 pm to 10 pm, if that helps."

"I'm sorry, it's just not possible to take the kids overnight here. But I can watch them overnight at your house." *

"I'm sorry, we can't watch the kids on weeknights past 8 pm. But we can take them on a weekend until 10 pm, if that works for you."

*Watching kids at their own house is, IMO, a lot easier than watching them where you live. A house with kids tends to be child-proofed, all their toys and games are there, and if you have to put them to bed, it's usually easier to do when you are putting them in their own bed and not a strange bed in a strange room. The fact that your belongings stay safely away from the kids is an added bonus.

[amylouky]

1- Put a lock on your door, if possible. If not, make sure Mom/Grandma know that your room is off limits.
2- Make other plans for the evening, or plan to stay in your room.

I really don't think you can make the decision that overnights are not allowed. It's not your house, and  you're not the one agreeing to babysit. All you really have the right to control is what your involvement will be, and if you want that to be none then you have to make it so.

[CrochetFanatic]

Sorry, I wasn't really clear.  I didn't decide that they wouldn't stay over, only that my room was off-limits.  I know it's not my house, which is why I haven't bolted my bookcase to my wall.  I ran it by my father, and after inspecting the bookcase he said it wasn't going anywhere, so we didn't need to bother with that.  I'm also not worried about them pulling a fast one and just showing up.  My uncle will persist with his questions, but he doesn't take the sneaky approach.  I was just looking for something to say when I'm confronted with, "Why can't they stay in your room with you?"  I don't do well with confrontations, and I was afraid of blurting out the wrong thing.

Thanks for the feedback!  I see a couple good ideas that I might end up using.

[NyaChan]

"That won't be possible, you'll have to think of something else."
"I'm not comfortable with it, you'll have to think of something else."

Or really, since it is your parents who are arranging these visits with your uncle, why not just put it on them ahead of time? "Mom, Uncle said something about an overnight visit.  They won't be able to stay in my bedroom, so where are you planning on putting the kids?"

That way when your Uncle actually suggests them staying over, your family already knows where the kids are going and it will be a joint front.  Though I have to ask - if he is leaving the kids with you overnight, how will he even know where they sleep?

[gramma dishes]

CrochetFanatic  ~~  I'm a little confused about exactly who lives in your house.  Is it your parents' house or your Grandmother's?  Do all four of you live there?

Because I don't think the problem is with Uncle and his kids at all!  So far with what I've read, it sounds like this is something that needs to be addressed with your parents and perhaps the Grandmother, since she's the one offering your room out from under you.

Even though it isn't your house (and therefore you can be overridden on the subject of overnights), you are a full time resident (I presume) and as such you should have a right to privacy at least in your own room and you should be able to protect your stuff from a curious three year old.

I'd revisit the subject with all of the other adults you live with first.  Not about the overnight itself, but about your room and your expectations of privacy there.  And if you don't want to interact with the child, make sure your Mom knows that you won't be guilted into babysitting.

[LeveeWoman]

I'd put a lock on my bedroom door.

[gramma dishes]

I'd put a lock on my bedroom door.

I fully agree, but we aren't sure she'd be allowed to since it is technically not her house. 

[MrTango]

Aunt/Uncle: Grandma said you were free to babysit Friday night.
You: She misspoke. Sorry, that won't be possible.

Actually, for this example, my response would be "That's Grandma's problem, not mine."

[Tierrainney]

Switch your bedroom Door knob with a locking one, Keyed if you can get one of those. Swapping door knobs is neither permanent nor damaging to a home. This is one of the times I would do it first, then tell your parents about it, rather than asking permission.

Tell your parents it is non-negotiable that children are not allowed in your bedroom.

Yes, you live with your parents and thus have less flexibility than if it were your own home. But you don't have to be Voluntold for anything. I am very protective of my free time. If I was told, not asked, that I would be babysitting, for all hours of the day, at any time of the week or month, for any children, well behaved or not, It would bring out my "Big Angry Momma Bear" for myself. My room door would be locked, and I would either be inside that room relaxing, or I would be out of the house relaxing.

And, I actually like children and have lots of experience with them.

[CrochetFanatic]

CrochetFanatic  ~~  I'm a little confused about exactly who lives in your house.  Is it your parents' house or your Grandmother's?  Do all four of you live there?

Because I don't think the problem is with Uncle and his kids at all!  So far with what I've read, it sounds like this is something that needs to be addressed with your parents and perhaps the Grandmother, since she's the one offering your room out from under you.

Even though it isn't your house (and therefore you can be overridden on the subject of overnights), you are a full time resident (I presume) and as such you should have a right to privacy at least in your own room and you should be able to protect your stuff from a curious three year old.

I'd revisit the subject with all of the other adults you live with first.  Not about the overnight itself, but about your room and your expectations of privacy there.  And if you don't want to interact with the child, make sure your Mom knows that you won't be guilted into babysitting.

In our house, it's my parents and my brother.  My grandmother lives with my uncle and his family.  There isn't really a problem now, but the last few times we gave a solid no to something it resulted in a huge fight.  We're all in agreement here.  No one minds having them for the day, be it here or over there, but an overnight stay wouldn't be comfortable.  Or, in the case of my bookshelf, safe.  So yeah, I keep my door locked while they're over.

[gramma dishes]

In our house, it's my parents and my brother.  My grandmother lives with my uncle and his family.  There isn't really a problem now, but the last few times we gave a solid no to something it resulted in a huge fight.  We're all in agreement here.  No one minds having them for the day, be it here or over there, but an overnight stay wouldn't be comfortable.  Or, in the case of my bookshelf, safe.  So yeah, I keep my door locked while they're over.

Oh, okay.  I understand the situation better now.

It sounds like actually you have it all under wraps since all the people in your house are in agreement.   

And if Grandma decides to volunteer your babysitting services again in the future, you can tell her no, you have other plans.  Because you do!   Hopefully the rest of your household will back you up on this and it sounds like they will.

[kudeebee]

I second getting a lock on your door if you don't already have one.

I also agree with being a broken record. "Sorry, it isn't possible." No explanations that they can argue with.

If they show up, do not let them in.  Greet them at the door and ask what they need.  When they say to have the kids stay, repeat "We told you it isn't possible. We can't have them overnight."  Then shut the door and do not answer if they knock again. 

If grandma gets mad, so be it.  "Grandma, we told them it wasn't possible.  If they thought we were kidding, that was their fault.  We mean what we say."