Author Topic: No, They Can't Spend The Night  (Read 15040 times)

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BeagleMommy

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #15 on: June 17, 2013, 10:14:30 AM »
Since it is your parents who are supposed to be babysitting tell them "My door will be locked for the duration of the time the little ones are here.  I do not want them in there under any circumstances."

As far as them pawning the kids off on you, I would recommend saying that you will relieve your mom for an hour so she can have a break.  Otherwise, it's grandma's job.

cwm

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #16 on: June 17, 2013, 01:52:30 PM »
If you can sit with your parents and explain why it's not possible for you without having to JADE to them, maybe they can sit down with grandma/uncle and tell them. Sometimes when it's coming from a different generation, it makes a huge difference. It doesn't sound like they're too keen on the idea of an overnight stay either.

Otherwise, since when is it grandma's job to volunteer you and your parents to babysit the kids? Maybe it's just me, but if someone told my sister that child care was taken care of and then tried to pawn off her kid on someone else, even if it was family, there would be a huge problem. If it does become an issue, keep repeating to Uncle that it won't be possible. If he tells you that grandma already said you could, say that grandma does not, in fact, control your schedule and that it won't be possible.

NyaChan

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #17 on: June 17, 2013, 02:46:04 PM »
I know it isn't really relevant, but what are your uncle and aunt doing that they require childcare so often? It seems like they are near constantly unavailable to care for their own kids.

hobish

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #18 on: June 17, 2013, 06:55:25 PM »

So … Grandma lives with aunt and uncle, and is volunteering your room – in a completely different house where she doesn’t even live - for Aunt & Uncle’s kids to stay in? Do I have that right?
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AnnaJ

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #19 on: June 21, 2013, 08:13:07 PM »
I second getting a lock on your door if you don't already have one.

I also agree with being a broken record. "Sorry, it isn't possible." No explanations that they can argue with.

If they show up, do not let them in.  Greet them at the door and ask what they need.  When they say to have the kids stay, repeat "We told you it isn't possible. We can't have them overnight."  Then shut the door and do not answer if they knock again. 

If grandma gets mad, so be it.  "Grandma, we told them it wasn't possible.  If they thought we were kidding, that was their fault.  We mean what we say."

It's OP's parent's house and so it's up to them to decide who can come in their house.   That said, I'm glad the OP said her bedroom door locks.

EllenS

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #20 on: June 26, 2013, 04:07:56 PM »
OP, it sounds like you and your folks actually already have a polite spine.  I read your question as "how to stop people from getting mad and fighting with us when we say, "no".

Unfortunately, you can't.  Saying "no" is a perfectly acceptable and polite answer, but some people will choose to get mad anyway.  If you want to use pp's suggestions of offering alternatives that you *will* agree to, that is a good way to keep the conversation moving in a positive direction, or get back on track.  But if your relatives are going to blow up and cause a fight just because you won't do what they want, there is no special wording that will head it off.

JenJay

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #21 on: June 26, 2013, 04:45:59 PM »
Sorry, I wasn't really clear.  I didn't decide that they wouldn't stay over, only that my room was off-limits.  I know it's not my house, which is why I haven't bolted my bookcase to my wall.  I ran it by my father, and after inspecting the bookcase he said it wasn't going anywhere, so we didn't need to bother with that.  I'm also not worried about them pulling a fast one and just showing up.  My uncle will persist with his questions, but he doesn't take the sneaky approach.  I was just looking for something to say when I'm confronted with, "Why can't they stay in your room with you?" I don't do well with confrontations, and I was afraid of blurting out the wrong thing.

Thanks for the feedback!  I see a couple good ideas that I might end up using.

Re the bolded - I'd say "Because it isn't childproofed and won't be anytime soon, since I don't have a child." I adore my kids but there's no way I would have had them in my bed before they were fully, dependably potty trained. Their beds had waterproof mattress covers, mine does not.  ;)

EllenS

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #22 on: June 26, 2013, 04:51:36 PM »
Why cant' they stay in your room with you?
It is not safe.
I am not comforable with it.
My parents and I have talked it over and decided that is not going to work for us.

Twik

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #23 on: June 27, 2013, 01:19:46 PM »
Teach them a valuable phrase to use with growing children.

"Why can't they stay in your room?"

"Because I said so, that's why."
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

SlitherHiss

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #24 on: August 01, 2013, 12:17:08 PM »
I guess this really all depends on what your parents do or do not agree to, as the homeowners. I mean, you can arrange to be out of the house or refuse to babysit, but you don't seem to be in a position of power when it comes to actually barring these kids from the house.

If your parents agree, a locking doorknob might be a very good idea for your room.

CrochetFanatic

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #25 on: August 02, 2013, 05:43:39 AM »
Thanks a lot.  :)  I guess it's true that I was looking for a way to say no without ticking people off.  It's hard to break old habits.  Thanks for all the input.  I now have a lot of good ideas to fall back on!  The subject hasn't come up, and I hope it won't.  If it does, I think I'll know what to say and I'll be comfortable saying it.  I really appreciate the help!

DavidH

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #26 on: September 10, 2013, 03:13:51 PM »
I know it's common to say there is no need to JADE, but in my experience, the surest way to annoy the person is to say no, and when they ask why say some version of because I said no without giving a reason. 

Here, you can give a number of legitimate reasons.  For example, your room isn't childproof, there are numerous breakable objects that might hurt a toddler, and perhaps most importantly, she isn't potty trained, e.g. taking off her wet pull up and sitting bare bottomed on the couch.  Suggesting an alternative might help, for example, how about her sleeping on the sofa in the lounge or in your parent's bed if they want her to spend the night. 

If they argued, snarky me would say that if she has an accident in my bed, I will visit the parent's home and have a similar one in their bed, but that is almost certainly rude. 

Luci

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #27 on: September 10, 2013, 06:24:36 PM »
I know it's common to say there is no need to JADE, but in my experience, the surest way to annoy the person is to say no, and when they ask why say some version of because I said no without giving a reason. 

Here, you can give a number of legitimate reasons.  For example, your room isn't childproof, there are numerous breakable objects that might hurt a toddler, and perhaps most importantly, she isn't potty trained, e.g. taking off her wet pull up and sitting bare bottomed on the couch.  Suggesting an alternative might help, for example, how about her sleeping on the sofa in the lounge or in your parent's bed if they want her to spend the night. 

If they argued, snarky me would say that if she has an accident in my bed, I will visit the parent's home and have a similar one in their bed, but that is almost certainly rude.

I found that if I JADE when talking to anyone, it simply trains them to argue against my refusals and expect to go through the whole rounds of discussions for everything.

People know I won't give explanations now, so don't try it. I almost kicked my husband when he told his family that we had a wedding and graduation from my side of the family long since planned, so I wouldn't attend the shower. I did get by the next one without being querried, though, so all is good. I thought 45 years of habits had gone down the drain.

MrTango

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #28 on: September 10, 2013, 06:30:49 PM »
With a reasonable person, giving a reason for your decision to say "no" to their request is a way of softening the blow.

The reason people here frequently advise against JADE-ing is because some people (unreasonable, entitled, gimmie-pigs, etc) will use any reason/excuse given as a crack in your resolve.  They think that if they can counter your reasons, that you'll eventually crumble.

DavidH

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Re: No, They Can't Spend The Night
« Reply #29 on: September 10, 2013, 07:45:00 PM »
Mr. Tango, I think we agree. 

I don't think you need to go multiple rounds with someone, but a brief explanation can a be very helpful.  Even Luci45's example, saying only no I won't attend the shower could be seen as anything from I'd rather pull out my fingernails than spend time with you to I have prior plans I cannot change but really wish I could have been there.  Stating she had a graduation and wedding to attend is going to make the refusal more understandable.