General Etiquette > Family and Children

Will you be around this afternoon?

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--- Quote from: guihong on June 17, 2013, 08:40:47 AM ---You're right; your DH is teaching Rob that no matter what he says, he'll wait for him for hours.  I find it heartbreaking for your DH.

If just saying "No, we won't be in this afternoon" is too nuclear, how's this: When Rob asks "Will you be around?", your DH can say "We will be here until 1:00". Then, when they haven't shown up by 1:00, leave and do something else.  It's your home and your time, enforce boundaries.

--- End quote ---

I like this idea. It will be difficult for DH to actually leave at the appointed time, but he has shown in the past that he can do it. I know he feels a lot of guilt. It is heartbreaking. He worries so much about disappointing Rob, but I'm not sure how much Rob thinks about disappointing DH.

Does your DH ever call and invite Rob and DIL to come over? Maybe becoming more in control of the events might help.

Maybe plan dinner with another son and then invite Rob to join. "Rob, YS will be in town next weekend and is coming to dinner Sat night if you and Michelle are in town and want to join us."

Then encourage your DH to not wait around. When he gets the texts he can reply "I can arrange my schedule if you let me know when you'll be her. Otherwise text before heading over to see if we are home."

OP, I think this needs to come from your DH.  Why doesn't he invite Rob and his wife to do specific things at specific times?  It seems Michelle's family does.  But really, this is between your DH and Rob.


--- Quote from: Coley on June 17, 2013, 08:47:08 AM ---I completely agree that DH is allowing it to happen. (And I am simultaneously sad for DH and frustrated with him about that.) The irony is that DH has zero patience with my family when they do this. And they also do it frequently. I have learned to say no to my family and not feel guilty about it. DH is able to see the irony there, but he's struggling with enforcing the boundary.

I will speak with DH about his willingness to say "no" up front. This will be difficult for him to do. I know he fears even fewer visits with Rob than he has now.

--- End quote ---

Point out that visits which are preceeded by him winding himself into a ball of stress are not fun for anyone. If he becomes less of a doormat, Rob will either start respecting his time or get mad. Either way, he can only control his own actions.

Also, pitching your plans out the window because the Great Rob might deign to show up for twenty minutes is extremely disrespectful to you.

Encourage DH to give Rob a specific time frame when he responds to the last-minute text. It will be easier on your DH than just saying "no" or telling Rob that he has to give more notice, and it allows you to enjoy your day uninterrupted.

Rob: Are you going to be around this afternoon?
Your DH: We have some errands to run but will probably be home by 4:30 or so./ We're going out for dinner and a movie; we'll be free up until we leave at 6.


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