Author Topic: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong? Small clarification p.9, Upd. p.20  (Read 2700 times)

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Bashful

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Dear E-Hellions, I'd like to have your opinion about an issue I am having with a friend of mine. Let's call her Jane.

BG: 8 years ago Jane met Joe, a fellow coworker in our mutual work environment. She was very very frail at the time about her image. She liked him and thought he liked her back. In my opinion, he really led her on. Then he brought her back to reality in a really harsh way. She was very upset and had even bigger self-esteem issues as a consequence. She told me a lot about this "break up" and about his prior "lovey-dovey" attitude, with lots of details. Joe changed job 5 years ago and we never saw him again. The only chanche to see him is going to a specific mall where his mother has a shop. Every time Jane and I went to that mall, she always wondered if we were going to meet him but that never happened.
She is close friend with me but is friend with my DH too. /end BG

Cue to last Monday. DH and I go to THAT mall and, guess what? I see Joe! I didn't say hi because he didn't recognize me and we were not that close even when we were working together. Meanwhile my husband was texting with Jane and - with my suggestion - wrote her textually:"Guess what? We saw Joe".
Well, she was really upset about that. She told me she is very hurt that I disclosed such a private and painful part of her life to my DH.

So, my question is: was I rude/wrong to ask DH to write her that text?
I'm going to give more background that may change your perspective, but first I'd like to have opinions on this interaction.

« Last Edit: June 17, 2013, 11:52:57 AM by Bashful »

Harriet Jones

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2013, 09:55:46 AM »
So, my question is: was I rude/wrong to ask DH to write her that text?
 

Yes.  Why pick at that scab?  Also, I think you made it worse by having your DH send the text.

Perfect Circle

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2013, 10:03:25 AM »
I think it was totally inappropriate of you to text her in the first place, let alone have your husband do it. I don't think dredging up painful memories is a good idea in any case but this seems like such an old wound that really should not have been picked.
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TootsNYC

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2013, 10:03:58 AM »
So, my question is: was I rude/wrong to ask DH to write her that text?
 

Yes.  Why pick at that scab?  Also, I think you made it worse by having your DH send the text.

yeah, I agree. You of all people know that was a wound for her.

bopper

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2013, 10:04:58 AM »
Was it helpful to her to know you saw Joe? No
Was it nice?
Was it thoughful?
Was it useful?

I think the answers to all of those are NO so why text her?
You associate the two people, but for her it was only a negative association at this point so why bring it up?

Yvaine

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2013, 10:12:19 AM »
I think it was totally inappropriate of you to text her in the first place, let alone have your husband do it. I don't think dredging up painful memories is a good idea in any case but this seems like such an old wound that really should not have been picked.

I agree. Bringing it up at all was picking at the wound unnecessarily, and it also underlines the fact that he was probably avoiding her on purpose every time she went to the mall.

The only time I could see any point in this is if he was looking foolish in some way and you thought she might enjoy some schadenfreude.  >:D

Shoo

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2013, 10:15:11 AM »
The mistake you made was in allowing your husbands to text her about seeing Joe. 

I do not believe it was wrong of you to share the fact that Jane was dating Joe and then the story of their painful breakup.  Husbands and wives share things.  I presume that, at the time, Jane's relationship with Joe wasn't a secret.  Even if it was, unless she specifically asked you not to talk about it with your husband, she's got no leg to stand on here.


NyaChan

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2013, 10:15:45 AM »
I think in general that text should not have been sent at all.  There was simply no reason to do it.  If I knew my friend had a hard time getting over a guy who had led her on to the point that just going where he might be had her looking out for him, I would not be texting her about him 8 years later.  The fact that you had your husband do it would have added to the hurt, because it is one more person who knows and it gives the impression that you shared what was meant to be a confidence casually.  I say casually because you had your husband text it as if it was nothing - well it wasn't nothing to Jane.

Bashful

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #8 on: June 17, 2013, 10:19:24 AM »
Well, with such prompt answers I must condemn my own behaviour.
I was a bit confused because she seemed irked about just the DH part than the "picking an old wound", as if I texted her she wouldn't be hurt but I guess the real problem is mentioning Joe at all.
@Yvaine: I honestly think he doesn't remember her, so I doubt he ever tried to hide. Well, in fact my aim was to tell her that he was the same old idiot only fatter, but I never made there. So what came out was a unnecessary text from me through DH.

Bashful

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2013, 10:31:15 AM »
Some clarifications: Jane's relationship with Joe wasn't a secret. When she and I went to the mall she was wondering about Joe wishing to meet him to see how was he doing.
In fact I did gave my DH some background but was even shorter than the BG I gave to you E-Hellions in the original post (and I immediately felt guilty about that, even before posting), omitting self esteem issues and frailty. Although Jane doesn't know that, she just received the text "Guess what? We saw Joe" and immediately jumped to the conclusion that I revealed all her story to my DH. In hindsight, I guess she was right to be suspicious since I told something to DH :(
Please note that I'm not looking for excuses, I'm guilty and that's all.

Zilla

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #10 on: June 17, 2013, 10:31:22 AM »
Sorry to jump on the bandwagon but I agree with the others.  It was not a good idea to have dh send that text.  It's one thing if they had a silly breakup or a normal breakup.  But because it was so damaging and heartbreaking, yeah no.

Shoo

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #11 on: June 17, 2013, 10:33:10 AM »
I guess I am confused.  Your husband didn't know about Joe 5 years ago when Jane was actually dating him?  You told your husband the story of Jane and Joe *at* the mall when you saw Joe?  And that's when your husband sent the text?

Olympia

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Why on EARTH did you think sending her a text like that, out of the blue and for no apparent reason, was a good idea? Please, have a little respect for her feelings.

Olympia

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #13 on: June 17, 2013, 10:44:18 AM »
I do not believe it was wrong of you to share the fact that Jane was dating Joe and then the story of their painful breakup.  Husbands and wives share things.

There is a world of difference between sharing things and gossiping. Discretion is not the same thing as keeping secrets.

Bashful

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@Shoo: DH never met Joe because 5 years ago Jane and I used to hang out mostly at work. She used to have dinner with us but Jane and Joe never did the "double date" thing with anyone. I saw Joe at the mall while DH was texting with Jane about other stuff.
It went roughly like this:
me: Ah! There's Joe. Tell Jane that we saw him.
DH: Who's Joe?
me: An idiot old flame of Jane. He led her on.

I guess I could have said that Joe was an idiot ex coworker (also true) or, even better, i could have not send any text at all.