Author Topic: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong? Small clarification p.9, Upd. p.20  (Read 2076 times)

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veronaz

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Re: Talking about third parties: did I do wrong?
« Reply #15 on: June 17, 2013, 10:49:20 AM »
Was it helpful to her to know you saw Joe? No
Was it nice?
Was it thoughful?
Was it useful?

I think the answers to all of those are NO so why text her?
You associate the two people, but for her it was only a negative association at this point so why bring it up?

This.  It served no purpose other than to upset her. 

Harriet Jones

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I think if you were wanting to talk some smack about Joe, it would have been better at another time in a more personal conversation.

baglady

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OP did say that Jane always hoped to catch a glimpse of Joe when they went to the mall, so I don't think she committed any great sin in letting Jane know about her "Joe sighting." And since husband was already texting with Jane, then it made sense to her to just tell him to tell Jane.

Once she explains to Jane that she didn't tell DH the whole sordid story of her and Joe -- just referred to him as an "idiot old flame" -- I hope Jane will understand and forgive.
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amylouky

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It doesn't seem, from the OP, that Jane was upset at the mention of Joe, though? Rather that she was upset that OP had told her DH the whole sordid story.. which isn't the case but OP didn't get a chance to explain that before Jane got upset.
I'm going against the crowd here, I don't think it was rude for you to have sent the text. I totally would have texted my BFF if I saw her nutty ex in the mall. Unless of course, I knew that he was someone whose name she never wanted to hear again, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.
I think using DH's phone to send the text gave her the impression that you'd told DH everything about their past, which would be a little weird but husbands and wives do share things, and I don't consider it gossip. But I think it would help if you told Jane, "All that I shared with DH is that you two used to date and that he was a jerk to you."

Bashful

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Unfortunately I haven't talked face to face to Jane yet. From what she wrote me I am under the impression that she is upset just about "me telling her whole story to DH" part, not the Joe part. This is why I wasn't sure to be in the wrong in the original post, especially since she doesn't know how much I told DH. I guess I was peeved that she immediately believed I told DH her inner secrets.
Maybe talking with her it will come out that my biggest sin was bringing up Joe at all.
Either ways, I'm willing to explain and apologize. I did this thing without thinking properly of the outcome.

Bashful

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Update: Jane wrote me back and the real issue, to her, is that I lacked in tact bringing the news with a text through DH. If I had wait to tell her the news in private, face to face, she would have asked even for details about the "Joe sighting" (her words).

NyaChan

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Update: Jane wrote me back and the real issue, to her, is that I lacked in tact bringing the news with a text through DH. If I had wait to tell her the news in private, face to face, she would have asked even for details about the "Joe sighting" (her words).

Well I'm glad Jane is giving a chance to clear this up :)  I'm sure when you explain that DH didn't really know much at all, she will be forgiving.

delabela

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I'm a little confused, but if I understand she's not upset that you mentioned Joe, but rather that you discussed her business with DH, right?

I assume things I tell my friends could be discussed with their SOs, unless I specifically ask them to keep something private.  I think it's probably common for partners to discuss the lives of their friends.  So I don't think you overstepped on that front. 

Bashful

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Well, I gathered that the issue is not 1. the Joe sighting nor 2. the DH discussing but 3. being harsh in bringing the news. At first I believed she was upset for #2, then everybody pointed out #1 (and that is something I haven't thought about but was a valid point).
Slightly OT, I believe that (general) you don't have to tell everything to SO about your friends. But of course sometimes you have to tell something. On the other hand, sometime you vent with friends about your SO, revealing bits of your life as a couple.

NyaChan

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I think it is ok to tell one's spouse everything as long as you are honest with the friend if they ask you not to tell anyone that you don't keep secrets from your spouse.  That way they know going in that you may share the information.  However, I think that a certain polite fiction should be maintained so that it isn't driven home that the spouse knows unless it is something that involves them or they were included in the secret. 

So if a friend tells me she is having problems with her husband, I may share that with my own SO, but I would expect that SO to keep it to himself and not bring it up with that friend unless she asked for his advice or comment.