Author Topic: How to keep my sanity - virtual strangers sharing our hotel room **LONG**  (Read 9510 times)

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Hillia

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I don't know if this is ok to do, but I think I would call IMMEDIATELY and say "CB, I am so sorry, but DP and I discussed it and we realized that with her health, we could not actually manage with having 4 people in our hotel room.  I am so sorry for the inconvenience, we should have thought of this before making the offer.  I hope you can forgive us."

This.  It's a bad place to be in, but the sooner you do it the sooner they can make other arrangements.  I would not at all want to spend a week in a hotel room with two strangers - heck, I wouldn't want to spend a week in a hotel room with my best friend.  DP needs to handle this asap.

(OK, saw the followup post from the OP.  That makes it much stickier, but I would still try to rearrange things - maybe offer to network to find them an alternate place to stay, with local parishioners or clergy?)

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TurtleDove

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OP, I think it makes sense to explain to your DP that she has two choices: 1) tell her friends that they cannot stay with you and have them momentariliy inconvenienced (but really, in my experience it would be really offensive for an adult couple to essentially ask to be put up for free for a week so I think any ill will the couple would have toward your DP would be inappropriate); or 2) tell her that she has really hurt and offended YOU, the person who is supposed to be her number one priority.  I know which I would choose if I were your DP!

rashea

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I think you send them a message that says, "guys, while we're happy to have you part of the time, we were under the impression that you'd be staying with other people for at least part of the trip. We'd really appreciate that time alone for at least part of the trip. We really had to scrimp to make this a nice trip, and we'd hoped to make it a couple's retreat for us."
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RebeccainGA

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Thanks for the responses, guys - I wish it was as simple as blaming it on the hotel, but with the conference being a big advertised thing, and roommates being common at this event, there's no extra fee for them, and everyone knows it. I've got a call in about the handicapped room and if there's really enough room for them to put a bed in there - most of the time, the handicapped room is almost twice the size of a regular room, but we have stayed in one or two that were only marginally larger or whose only nod to being accessible was grab bars in the bathroom, so I'm hoping that there's an 'out' there for us.

On top of another difficult conversation that I need to have tonight with DP (about an unrelated thing, but it's going to panic her because it involves her having to go to court) I'm seeing a rough night ahead. 

WillyNilly

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I thin you need to sit down with your DP and have a talk about how her behavior was absolutely unacceptable and press her on how she is going to make this right. She had no right to give away space in a shared room without consulting you first (privately). It was not her space to give. It belongs to both of you.

I would be tempted to say I didn't want to go anymore and as such the family budget for the trip was just halved. I probably wouldn't actually make that big a stink, although I would verbalize that was where my head was. Your DP needs to understand how she hurt you and figurative slapped you across the face and told you via her actions how absolutely unimportant your happiness and comfort is. I mean, I'm sure in general she doesn't think that way, but in this case, that's what she did. This is a BIG DEAL and I'd be making sure she understood that. She stole from you.
I feel like that's a bit of a harsh reaction.

Yes, it was thoughtless, but, DP has had a rough last few years. Cancer, a medically induced coma, major surgery, moving hours away from her daughter...I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that it was a spur of the moment grasp at what life was like before everything that has happened. A little bit of normalcy.

I would approach it more neutrally at first, asking what her reasoning was, and reminding her that she has certain less than public friendly needs that I(meaning RebeccainGA) have to attend to.

As far as needing down time, maybe having these friends with could be a blessing, of sorts. If there are things that DP is interested in seeing, sitting in on, could you maybe ask them to accompany her while you took a quick "nap"?


Also, I know you have a service poodle, is he coming with, or being watched at home? ,That's something else that needs to be addressed with the addition of two new p[people to the mix.

It is harsh, but that's what my reaction would be - this, IMO, is a BIG DEAL and calls for a big reaction. I get very antsy sharing hotel rooms - for whatever reason IME hotel rooms clutter at about 80x homes clutter. Extra people means more clutter. Plus the handicap room is larger for a reason - wheelchairs and other accommodations take space, space that will now be taken up by an air mattress on the floor.

As for the stressful year - OP has had a stressful year herself! Being a caretaker is very stressful. And I might be mistaken but I believe it was in fact OP's DD they moved away from, not DP's (although either way, moving and getting a new job and all that jazz is stressful on OP on its own). Not to mention last time they went to this conference OP made all the sacrifices, so DP asking OP to make sacrifices again this time is really not fair.

Acadianna

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If you absolutely can't rescind the invitation at this point, could you limit the offer is to sleeping purposes only -- no hanging out in the room at other times?  That would at least get you some privacy back for part of the time.

NyaChan

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If you absolutely can't rescind the invitation at this point, could you limit the offer is to sleeping purposes only -- no hanging out in the room at other times?  That would at least get you some privacy back for part of the time.

I actually think that would actually sound worse than rescinding the offer entirely. 

cicero

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I don't know if this is ok to do, but I think I would call IMMEDIATELY and say "CB, I am so sorry, but DP and I discussed it and we realized that with her health, we could not actually manage with having 4 people in our hotel room.  I am so sorry for the inconvenience, we should have thought of this before making the offer.  I hope you can forgive us."
this and now. they still have time to find some other people to mooch off of. stay with.

personally- I think the memories of the uncomfortable convention (that you scrimped and saved for!!) will last much longer than a short phone call. And if CB is going to be nasty about this- well, that' on her. It's really a *big* favor to be asking of someone - to share their hotel room AND not pay (or pay 100 dollars)


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Eeep!

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I don't know if this is ok to do, but I think I would call IMMEDIATELY and say "CB, I am so sorry, but DP and I discussed it and we realized that with her health, we could not actually manage with having 4 people in our hotel room.  I am so sorry for the inconvenience, we should have thought of this before making the offer.  I hope you can forgive us."
this and now. they still have time to find some other people to mooch off of. stay with.

personally- I think the memories of the uncomfortable convention (that you scrimped and saved for!!) will last much longer than a short phone call. And if CB is going to be nasty about this- well, that' on her. It's really a *big* favor to be asking of someone - to share their hotel room AND not pay (or pay 100 dollars)

I agree that you should try to at least have a few days of the room to yourselves.  Plus, are they paying anything? If you scrimped and saved, you should at least be able to get some of that money back from them.
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RebeccainGA

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I don't know if this is ok to do, but I think I would call IMMEDIATELY and say "CB, I am so sorry, but DP and I discussed it and we realized that with her health, we could not actually manage with having 4 people in our hotel room.  I am so sorry for the inconvenience, we should have thought of this before making the offer.  I hope you can forgive us."
this and now. they still have time to find some other people to mooch off of. stay with.

personally- I think the memories of the uncomfortable convention (that you scrimped and saved for!!) will last much longer than a short phone call. And if CB is going to be nasty about this- well, that' on her. It's really a *big* favor to be asking of someone - to share their hotel room AND not pay (or pay 100 dollars)

I agree that you should try to at least have a few days of the room to yourselves.  Plus, are they paying anything? If you scrimped and saved, you should at least be able to get some of that money back from them.
They are planning on paying about $100, as far as I know - and that's less than 1 night's stay. I'm hopeful that we can get two nights back to ourselves at this point (they have to leave Friday, at latest, and may leave Thursday, so we'd have those two nights).

And for the person that mentioned it above (Delphinium?) yes, the service dog is traveling with us. He's small, and sleeps in bed with us, but does not take to strangers easily at times (he wants to guard us from them), and I have told them that. They seem to think it won't be an issue - I wonder if after the first night with a small dog that wants to eat them every time they move, they might decamp on their own?

TootsNYC

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You and DP really need to work on the idea that you never speak about anything until you've spoken in private.

This is the catalyst for this conversation. Express your disappointment. Tell her a little piece of you died.

BOTH of you should make that promise.

and you also should feel free to interrupt her and say, "Oh, DP, we need to check on some things before we offer that." Which gives you something you can do when you're there.

But you can't always be there, so that's why you need the rule.

All couples need that rule.

And I agree w/ NyaChan--call and say, "We spoke too soon, we're so sorry." The faster you act, the less damage to them. And absolutely blame her health. Maybe even blame the dog--honestly if he's trying to protect you from these strangers, he can't be as effective at his service-dog tasks.

And cicero is right--the memories (and the resentment) will be longer than if you contact them and say, "we spoke too soon."

If DP won't do it, you should.

Amara

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Whatever you do, Rebecca, you need to do ASAP!

Quote
"CB, I am so sorry, but DP and I discussed it and we realized that with her health, we could not actually manage with having 4 people in our hotel room.  I am so sorry for the inconvenience, we should have thought of this before making the offer.  I hope you can forgive us."

I strongly suggest that you say this or something similar. Yes, it will put them in a tough spot but not an impossible one. Don't offer either to help them find something. GIve them some suggestions and let them solve their problem. If they can only spend $100 then it is on them to find something within that price range. I know it seems cruel, but it seems much crueler to me to have your planned and saved for week ruined. (And, yes, I know they are not bad people but you two have made this the way you want it. It is not fair nor should it happen that you revise your plans to do this. I encourage you to stand firm and to be the bad news bearer if your DP cannot. But do it. Have your special week.)

siamesecat2965

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Whatever you do, Rebecca, you need to do ASAP!

Quote
"CB, I am so sorry, but DP and I discussed it and we realized that with her health, we could not actually manage with having 4 people in our hotel room.  I am so sorry for the inconvenience, we should have thought of this before making the offer.  I hope you can forgive us."

I strongly suggest that you say this or something similar. Yes, it will put them in a tough spot but not an impossible one. Don't offer either to help them find something. GIve them some suggestions and let them solve their problem. If they can only spend $100 then it is on them to find something within that price range. I know it seems cruel, but it seems much crueler to me to have your planned and saved for week ruined. (And, yes, I know they are not bad people but you two have made this the way you want it. It is not fair nor should it happen that you revise your plans to do this. I encourage you to stand firm and to be the bad news bearer if your DP cannot. But do it. Have your special week.)

This, and if they were planning on going anyway, they know they would have had to find some sort of accomodation. DP making the offer just made it easier on THEM, so if you politely let them know that after discussing it, it won't be possible, they are no worse off than they were before the offer was extended.

AnnaJ

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I don't know if this is ok to do, but I think I would call IMMEDIATELY and say "CB, I am so sorry, but DP and I discussed it and we realized that with her health, we could not actually manage with having 4 people in our hotel room.  I am so sorry for the inconvenience, we should have thought of this before making the offer.  I hope you can forgive us."
this and now. they still have time to find some other people to mooch off of. stay with.

personally- I think the memories of the uncomfortable convention (that you scrimped and saved for!!) will last much longer than a short phone call. And if CB is going to be nasty about this- well, that' on her. It's really a *big* favor to be asking of someone - to share their hotel room AND not pay (or pay 100 dollars)

Why the assumption that these people are "moochers"?  Nowhere in the OP's post does she imply that they sought out an invitation to stay in the hotel room, or that they manipulated the OP's partner into an invitation.  These are friends of OP's partner, and making those sort of assumptions calls the partner's judgment into question.

To the OP, there really is no good way to solve this, is there?  I've looked at the suggestions and it really does come down to you disappointing your partner or her disappointing you...no solution here, but a hug.

JoyinVirginia

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Could you compromise, such that no one is really happy but no one is really unhappy?

Let them stay 2 or 3 nights, especially if there are later night activities and/or early morning activities and ask them to find other arrangements for the rest of the nights.

Have DP explain that this was going to be your main vacation for the summer and you were both really looking forward to some time alone.

I had this same thought. See if they can stay with others, only stay with you the busiest conference days. See if that will work. Also, HUGS.