Author Topic: How to keep my sanity - virtual strangers sharing our hotel room **LONG**  (Read 9507 times)

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TurtleDove

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And they're looking for a place to stay while they are there as they can't afford to pay for a room....

they are going to be (maybe) able to give us $100.

From the OP.  This is why I would label the other couple as moochers. 

Amara

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I disagree with a compromise because if OP and her DP do allow the others to stay with them even for a few days of the week they are not compromising. A compromise means that both parties give up something to make an accommodation. I do not see what the other couple is compromising on. OP and her DP would be giving in and letting an (unexpected) situation change the entire time. There is no compromise that will not affect the entire week even if the others only come back to the room to sleep (and shower and change clothes they leave there, and pick up things they forgot, etc.).The room will be jammed with their stuff as well like the bed and clothes and bathroom necessities.

In my opinion, you planned it, you paid for it. You get to keep it the way you want it.



ETA: Clarification
« Last Edit: June 17, 2013, 02:24:13 PM by Amara »

caroled

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I've noticed that you said it is a handicapped room. Is DP in a wheelchair??  I don't recall from your other posts (threads)
If so will there really be room for 4 adults, a service animal, a chair AND a rollaway/air matress??

 If in the night you and DP have to get to the facilities could you get around/past where they are sleeping?? Not something I would wait until we were all packed into a room with no other option and no other vacancies ( this and other area hotels booked up) to try and figure out.

I don't care how big the room is, that much in one room would have me crawling the walls.

I'm sorry you are in this position. I hope the talk tonight goes well and it is resolved to the best possible outcome for you and your DP. What is best for the other couple is really up to them, ... no matter what your DP has offered, they should not be your responsibility, physically or finacially.

hobish

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I thin you need to sit down with your DP and have a talk about how her behavior was absolutely unacceptable and press her on how she is going to make this right. She had no right to give away space in a shared room without consulting you first (privately). It was not her space to give. It belongs to both of you.

I would be tempted to say I didn't want to go anymore and as such the family budget for the trip was just halved. I probably wouldn't actually make that big a stink, although I would verbalize that was where my head was. Your DP needs to understand how she hurt you and figurative slapped you across the face and told you via her actions how absolutely unimportant your happiness and comfort is. I mean, I'm sure in general she doesn't think that way, but in this case, that's what she did. This is a BIG DEAL and I'd be making sure she understood that. She stole from you.
I feel like that's a bit of a harsh reaction.

Yes, it was thoughtless, but, DP has had a rough last few years. Cancer, a medically induced coma, major surgery, moving hours away from her daughter...I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that it was a spur of the moment grasp at what life was like before everything that has happened. A little bit of normalcy.

I would approach it more neutrally at first, asking what her reasoning was, and reminding her that she has certain less than public friendly needs that I(meaning RebeccainGA) have to attend to.

As far as needing down time, maybe having these friends with could be a blessing, of sorts. If there are things that DP is interested in seeing, sitting in on, could you maybe ask them to accompany her while you took a quick "nap"?


Also, I know you have a service poodle, is he coming with, or being watched at home? ,That's something else that needs to be addressed with the addition of two new p[people to the mix.

It is harsh, but that's what my reaction would be - this, IMO, is a BIG DEAL and calls for a big reaction. I get very antsy sharing hotel rooms - for whatever reason IME hotel rooms clutter at about 80x homes clutter. Extra people means more clutter. Plus the handicap room is larger for a reason - wheelchairs and other accommodations take space, space that will now be taken up by an air mattress on the floor.

As for the stressful year - OP has had a stressful year herself! Being a caretaker is very stressful. And I might be mistaken but I believe it was in fact OP's DD they moved away from, not DP's (although either way, moving and getting a new job and all that jazz is stressful on OP on its own). Not to mention last time they went to this conference OP made all the sacrifices, so DP asking OP to make sacrifices again this time is really not fair.

This.
Not to mention the three of them are all involved in the ministry related to the conference, so OP is the odd one out on the vacation she scrimped and saved for after such a stressful time for both of them. I would be absolutely FURIOUS and would consider not going. If it were an invitation and one responded yes to spending a week with their SO, but then the plan changed to a week with SO and a couple of strangers it would be totally appropriate to rescind because the invitation would have changed. I donít think this is that much different. 

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RebeccainGA

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I've noticed that you said it is a handicapped room. Is DP in a wheelchair??  I don't recall from your other posts (threads)
If so will there really be room for 4 adults, a service animal, a chair AND a rollaway/air matress??

 If in the night you and DP have to get to the facilities could you get around/past where they are sleeping?? Not something I would wait until we were all packed into a room with no other option and no other vacancies ( this and other area hotels booked up) to try and figure out.

I don't care how big the room is, that much in one room would have me crawling the walls.

I've got a call in to the office at the hotel to ask them these questions - DP is in a chair part time (for long distances) but walks short distances (like in a hotel room). You're right, though - four adults, a service dog, and all DP's medical equipment, and then an air mattress? I'm hoping this is a BIG suite.

Sadly, though it might be nice to fantasize about letting her go alone, it's impossible - she's got medical stuff that I have to handle for her (she is totally incapable of doing it, physically - we've tried many times) and she can't be away from me for more than 10-12 hours at a stretch (and sometimes that's too much). Going on her own would require us to hire a full time nurse - just not in the cards.

Lynn2000

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Yeah, this is a tough situation, because it sounds like a lot of details have already been agreed to--that they could stay at all, the number of days, the price they're paying. It would be super-awkward to call them now and say the deal is off, or they can only stay two nights, or they need to pay a lot more money. That call can still be made, if you think you absolutely cannot deal with them being there, but I wouldn't blame them for being upset at this point. From the OP it sounds like DP made the offer to them, so even if it sounded too good to be reasonable, it doesn't feel to me like they're purposefully trying to mooch.

I think I would either have DP make the call, and deal with the fallout from that, or simply not go. Just knowing myself, I would be so resentful the whole time that I would just poison myself and not have a good time at all, and I wouldn't be able to stop it from bleeding out to other people. So knowing that, I would either remove myself from the situation, or remove them. But, other people might be able to deal with it better.

ETA: If DP physically can't go alone, then to me the options seem to be, tell the other couple they can't come, or neither of you go. Since this is for DP's job and it sounds like you've prepaid for stuff, obviously you don't want to take the latter option. I think I would just have DP call and say that upon further reflection, and realizing how much stuff would be in the small hotel room, you guys just don't think it will work, and you're really sorry. Any chance the conference organizers are handling roommate assignments (they do at some) and you could direct this couple to them for help?
~Lynn2000

NyaChan

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I find it kind of upsetting that your DP is so dependent on your help to maintain her comfort and tend to her needs, but did not stop to consider your comfort or needs at all.  I'm not saying it is a quid pro quo thing, but it is a considerate vs. inconsiderate thing.

WillyNilly

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I've noticed that you said it is a handicapped room. Is DP in a wheelchair??  I don't recall from your other posts (threads)
If so will there really be room for 4 adults, a service animal, a chair AND a rollaway/air matress??

 If in the night you and DP have to get to the facilities could you get around/past where they are sleeping?? Not something I would wait until we were all packed into a room with no other option and no other vacancies ( this and other area hotels booked up) to try and figure out.

I don't care how big the room is, that much in one room would have me crawling the walls.

I've got a call in to the office at the hotel to ask them these questions - DP is in a chair part time (for long distances) but walks short distances (like in a hotel room). You're right, though - four adults, a service dog, and all DP's medical equipment, and then an air mattress? I'm hoping this is a BIG suite.

Sadly, though it might be nice to fantasize about letting her go alone, it's impossible - she's got medical stuff that I have to handle for her (she is totally incapable of doing it, physically - we've tried many times) and she can't be away from me for more than 10-12 hours at a stretch (and sometimes that's too much). Going on her own would require us to hire a full time nurse - just not in the cards.

This just makes it all the more reason why I think your DP needs to fix this. You have to go. Even if you don't want to, she needs you there. So you are already 'doing for her' on this trip. relationships are give and take, but so far it seems like these conferences* are all your DP taking, taking, taking from you and and not giving back. Last time you sat in a desolate budget room by yourself all day and now you have so share a room with strangers, while dealing with a freaked out dog and tripping over an air mattress, all while footing the bill.

A happy wife makes for a happy life. You are trying to make her happy by saving money and scrimping, and using your time to give her a great experience at this conference. What is she doing for this trip to make you happy?


* I specified "these conferences" because I don't get the impression your DP is overall like this, your posts tend to be quite content and happy, but dang if this one conference seems to have reoccurring negative consequences for you.


ETA: hey can you (well really your DP) "little white lie" here? I know you are waiting on an answer from the hotel, but why not just go ahead and assume the room isn't as big as you and DP had originally thought it might be and actually there is not going to be room on the floor for the air mattress...
« Last Edit: June 17, 2013, 02:45:53 PM by WillyNilly »

TurtleDove

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Sadly, though it might be nice to fantasize about letting her go alone, it's impossible - she's got medical stuff that I have to handle for her (she is totally incapable of doing it, physically - we've tried many times) and she can't be away from me for more than 10-12 hours at a stretch (and sometimes that's too much). Going on her own would require us to hire a full time nurse - just not in the cards.

This would be my hill to die on.  I would tell DP that you will only go if you have the room to yourselves.  I would be furious at your DP if I were you.  She expects you to be her caretaker, but seems to be treating you as ONLY her caretaker and not her life partner.  Not okay.

Hillia

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Another point to consider is your service dog - if it's going to be upset at 'intruders' in the room and barking more than normal, you'll be creating a disturbance for other guests at the hotel. 

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JoieGirl7

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This kind of thing happens.  And they should realize the position they are in-- accepting this kind of invitation on the fly with the two of you not having an opportunity to discuss it.

Your partner is being generous but also probably doesn't like to think of her physical/medical limitations.

Possible options, one if you were to write and another if she were to write.

From you:
"This is Rebecca.  I am rather embarrassed but I must rescind my partner's offer to you to share our hotel room.  Her heart is very large and generous and she spoke before first checking with me.  For medical reasons that I would rather not get into, we need a degree of privacy we simply cannot do without and this precludes us sharing a room with anyone.
We are really sorry.  I really hope you both can understand."


From your partner:
"I know I told you that it would be OK to share our hotel room with us, but I misspoke.  I did not clear it with my partner beforehand and she is not comfortable sharing a tight space like this even for a small amount of time.  I am very sorry to have to rescind my invitation and I take all the blame but hope that you can understand.  My first priority needs to be with my partner and her needs."

SoCalVal

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DP needs to bite the bullet now and rescind the offer.  I could see my DH doing the same thing (and he has on a much smaller scale), and I've had to speak up and say "I'm afraid that won't be possible."  One time, it was because DH was in the middle of moving out of his apartment, and he said yes to his friend and his friend's wife and four kids (two adult-sized teenagers) staying at our new house.  DH had the uncomfortable task of saying he spoke too soon, and Friend acted like a big butthead later on as a result.  However, them staying at our house could've cost us a few hundred dollars (since it would've delayed DH completing his move over the weekend as scheduled).  That few hundred dollars would've hit us in what we had available for our wedding (significant when we had a small and very tight budget to begin with) so, yeah, it meant a lot more to still have time available than to follow through on the favor (DH didn't offer; his friend asked if he and his family could stay over).

Anyway, it sounds like DP is a generous soul who wanted to help out a friend, but it comes at a huge cost to the both of you.  Only having a $100 available that wouldn't even cover one night's lodging tells me this couple really can't afford to go in the first place, and you and DP shouldn't have to sacrifice (especially for a second honeymoon) to make the conference happen for them.

I would be upset, but I don't think DP was being deliberately inconsiderate.  Again, my DH has a tendency to be quite generous and will speak without thinking that his decisions affect both of us.  Do I get upset?  Yeah, you bet I do, but I realize he means well (and has since learned not to jump in with both feet without talking it over with me first).

To me, I see this ending only one way, and that is that the offer is rescinded.  There's no way in the world I'd be spending thousands of dollars to be cramped with another couple (and pretty much strangers to me) on what is not only supposed to be a vacation but also a second honeymoon.



ladyknight1

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Rebecca, you and your DP need to contact the interlopers and tell them to find other arrangements. I can't see this situation ending well if you go through with them staying with you.

RebeccainGA

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Oh, thank Heavens - Apparently all the good energy going out is bearing fruit. Called the hotel - was told by them that there is *NO* room for a rollout bed and that it's not allowed for fire safety reasons in that room. DP notified, she's calling her friend before I get home.

We have had a TON of minor but adding up sort of things, and this was my last straw. DP is handling it all herself from here, as far as this goes, and the hotel gets to be the bad guys, so no hard feelings anywhere.

DP is also making dinner tonight, all by her little lonesome. She never said it was an apology, but I'm seeing serious contrition in that pot roast.

NyaChan

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Great update!  I love it when rules come in handy like this  :)