General Etiquette > Family and Children

I don't want to take your mom shopping

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AvidReader:
No. You are not being petty.  Just state to your DH what you stated here.  POD to what Shoo said about pointing out his behavior when your mom visits.  Your DH needs to be available (time off from work?) to help entertain his mother.  And you need to schedule some private time away so that he can visit with her.  Your private time can be a few hours at the library, out to see a movie, visit with a friend. 

NyaChan:
Are you the only one home during the day or is he asking you to take her during times that he would be free? 

I get your frustration completely, however, if you are home all day and he is at work, it is kind of inhospitable to just leave her stranded at home while you go out and about.  At the same time, you are right that it is unfair for him to make himself scarce when your mom is visiting, yet expect you to entertain his own mom when she visits. 

I would talk to him about this and explain how you feel this is unfair to you, why it is unfair, and how you want things to change.  Would you be ok with entertaining MIL if he spends more time with your mom when she visits?  Would you prefer that he take time off of work to entertain MIL himself or accept that his mom is going to sit at home until he comes to take her out, and then he is absolved of any responsibility when your own mom visits? 

For now, I think you are wise to agree to take her out at least once, maybe twice because she is your MIL and a guest in your home and its the nice thing to do.  I don't think you have any obligation whether he spent time with your mom or not to take her everywhere you go though - everyone needs some alone time! 

WillyNilly:
Where are the dads in this picture? You talk about your mom visiting and his mom visiting - are there no dads? I ask because is this maybe a gender role thing? Like your DH thinks the 'women-folk' socialize with the women-folk doing woman stuff (cooking, shopping, taking care of kids) and the men-folk hang with the men-folk doing man stuff? It might not even occur to your DH he should be taking his mom out, since he is a he.

TootsNYC:
I would expect my husband to take my visiting dad with him if he went to the "traditional guy" places (hardware store; bookstore), and even more so if I knew that it was in any way something my dad was interested in. (like, bookstore, games store, hardware store)

And if my MIL were visiting from out of town, I'd be expected (by me and by my DH and by my MIL and by my own mom) to take her with me to the grocery store, or maybe clothes shopping. I could decide to NOT take her to some of those if I wanted to.

But I'd absolutely take her some of the places I went. She is after all here to visit me as well as my DH. She's not just "his mother"; she's *my* mother-in-law. She's my children's grandmother.

Spending time with us is what the whole visit is for. Sitting alone at home is no fun; and shopping together can be "something to do" and "something to talk about." It's also the way you build a relationship--by creating shared memories.

I had the best time grocery shopping with a friend once; i probably wouldn't have the same "great time" w/ a visiting relative (aunt, MIL, whatever), but it would be *A* "time," and we'd have to make it enjoyable.

shygirl:

--- Quote from: lowspark on June 18, 2013, 02:49:37 PM ---I think there's a lot of missing information (aside from what gramma dishes is asking).

How long is she going to be here? Do you both work outside the home? Is DH taking off any vacation time to spend with her? Assuming the scenario of you taking her with you every time you leave the house, what will she do with her time if you don't? And what will she do with her time when you're not taking her somewhere? Aside from shopping (and obviously, spending time with her son and grandchild) is there anything else on her agenda that she wishes to do while visiting?

Was any of this discussed or even considered before she planned her trip?

I agree that I would not want the dynamic to be such that he doesn't have to spend any time with my relatives when they come to visit but I have to spend all of my time with his when they visit. But I would think that this discussion should have taken place before the visit was planned so that everyone was on the same page. And my attitude about this would depend on what was expected of me, what my husband was doing, how long she was going to be here, how well I get along with her, and what other things are on my agenda.

--- End quote ---

I don't know exactly how long she is going to stay with us, but she's going back to her home country in a few months,  probably Oct-Nov time frame.  My husband and I both work outside the home, but opposite shifts so we don't have to pay for daycare.  He is taking this week off, but he can't afford to do that the whole time she is visiting.

Nothing was discussed beforehand because my husband can't plan his way out of a paper bag.  He is the absolute worst planner in the whole world.  I'm a planner, but things that go on with his family are a nightmare to plan.  His sister actually is the one who arranged the trip for MIL, and I'm sure talked to my husband about it.  But the actual expectatations of what's going to happen during her trip, my husband can't plan that stuff.  He just likes to "see how things are going, and then decide want to do".

If I didn't take her with me, she would just have to hang out at home by herself.  I do get along with her fine, but we're not terribly close and I find it difficult to talk to her.   I don't want to inhospitable, but I also don't want to hang out with MIL every day when I get home from work.


--- Quote from: WillyNilly on June 18, 2013, 02:57:44 PM ---Where are the dads in this picture? You talk about your mom visiting and his mom visiting - are there no dads? I ask because is this maybe a gender role thing? Like your DH thinks the 'women-folk' socialize with the women-folk doing woman stuff (cooking, shopping, taking care of kids) and the men-folk hang with the men-folk doing man stuff? It might not even occur to your DH he should be taking his mom out, since he is a he.

--- End quote ---

My husband's dad passed away a long time ago.  My own dad has only come to visit about 3 times, and his visits are very short.  I do think you are right though, that because I'm the "daughter", I am expected to hang out with MIL. 

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