Author Topic: I don't want to take your mom shopping  (Read 6938 times)

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*inviteseller

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #15 on: June 18, 2013, 03:48:36 PM »
OK, so this woman isn't toxic, you do have a friendly relationship with her..so what is wrong with planning some activities with her.  You know your DH can't plan anything (my ex was like that too and you have my sympathies), so take the bull by the horns.  I know on the boards people advocate letting spouses deal with their own parents, but IMO unless there is a toxic situation, it would make life easier if everyone could sit down and work out plans for the respective families..lot less aggravation and hard feelings.  My MIL despised me, I despised her, but we also figured out early on, if she wanted us at any activity or us have her at something, her and I had better put the plans together. 

Yes, this is your DH's mother, but I can't see any reason for you not to make her feel welcome (within reason due to your schedule) when she is there.  It seems your DH asked you to take her shopping..sounds like a girls day out thing he is asking for.  If you choose, for no other reason than 'you don't want to' to help make the mother of the man you married, feel welcome in your home and then that seems a bit selfish. 

Can you call your SIL, see what expectations your MIL has for her visit and work with your husband and your schedules to plan some activities that will work for everyone? 

lowspark

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #16 on: June 18, 2013, 03:56:18 PM »
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(If she was only staying three days, I think it would be weird to leave her home alone, but multiple weeks is different.)

I agree with this. I guess what I would do would be to try to establish what kind of routiine she was after and how much interaction your DH will have with her when he's home and you're at work. So this is where you and DH need to really work this out. Planner or not, he needs to be made to understand that although you're willing to have her tag along to some of your errands, he needs to be her primary source of entertainment during the time you are at work.

If she's staying at your house for that long of a time, I wonder how much she will contribute to the household duties. Will she just sit and expect to be served and catered to and to tag along everywhere? Or will she go in the kitchen and offer to cook up some of DH's childhood favorites? Will she play with toddler and entertain him or is she not the cuddly grandma type? Because that would also play into how much I'd be willing to tote her around with me.

You know, the "I don't plan anything in advance and we'll just see how it goes" is a classic ploy to get you to take up the responsibility that he is dodging. I'm not sure how much you can enforce it since you are home at alternate times, but I would definitely encourage MIL and DH to plan at least one day in advance, for things they will be doing while you are at work, even if you have to sort of get involved enough with this to make sure they at least have some kind of plan. This should help alleviate some of the burden on you to keep her entertained.

shygirl

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #17 on: June 18, 2013, 04:18:20 PM »
Quote
(If she was only staying three days, I think it would be weird to leave her home alone, but multiple weeks is different.)

I agree with this. I guess what I would do would be to try to establish what kind of routiine she was after and how much interaction your DH will have with her when he's home and you're at work. So this is where you and DH need to really work this out. Planner or not, he needs to be made to understand that although you're willing to have her tag along to some of your errands, he needs to be her primary source of entertainment during the time you are at work.

If she's staying at your house for that long of a time, I wonder how much she will contribute to the household duties. Will she just sit and expect to be served and catered to and to tag along everywhere? Or will she go in the kitchen and offer to cook up some of DH's childhood favorites? Will she play with toddler and entertain him or is she not the cuddly grandma type? Because that would also play into how much I'd be willing to tote her around with me.

You know, the "I don't plan anything in advance and we'll just see how it goes" is a classic ploy to get you to take up the responsibility that he is dodging. I'm not sure how much you can enforce it since you are home at alternate times, but I would definitely encourage MIL and DH to plan at least one day in advance, for things they will be doing while you are at work, even if you have to sort of get involved enough with this to make sure they at least have some kind of plan. This should help alleviate some of the burden on you to keep her entertained.

MIL has only been here with us since Sunday, but she has offered to wash dishes which I told her wasn't necessary since we have a dishwasher.  Other household chores, I'm not really sure about.  I wouldn't expect her to or even want her to clean the bathroom or sweep/vacuum, or things of that nature.

I don't know about cooking.  My husband did try to get ME to cook yesterday because apparently that is what was expected of a daughter-in-law.  I just looked at him until he went back to stirring the pot.  (He was the one who started cooking dinner yesterday.)

And she does WANT to play with the toddler, but the toddler doesn't want to.  Well, it seems that he played with her just fine when I was at work yesterday.  But I was trying to work from home this morning, and he refused to play with his grandmother.  So, that's not helpful for me.

I won't mind having her tag along some of the times, but it's definitely going to wear on me a lot if there is an expectation that every time I go out, she's coming with me.  Like I said before, it's bad enough I have to take the toddler with me everywhere.

AnnaJ

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #18 on: June 18, 2013, 04:31:10 PM »
You've mentioned a couple of times that you already have to drag a toddler along on errands, so I am wondering if there's a problem with how your MIL behaves when you're out so that you feel she's the same sort of responsibility as your child? 

If she fine, then maybe you could do a trade off - bring her with you for errands she enjoys (my mom loved grocery stores  ::) ) and perhaps she'd watch your child when you did other errands - that would give her some out of house time, some time with grandchild, and you some alone time...is that workable?

shygirl

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #19 on: June 18, 2013, 04:37:48 PM »
There's no problem with how she acts, but it's not an option right now to have her babysit.

gramma dishes

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #20 on: June 18, 2013, 04:42:15 PM »
You've mentioned a couple of times that you already have to drag a toddler along on errands, so I am wondering if there's a problem with how your MIL behaves when you're out so that you feel she's the same sort of responsibility as your child? 

If she fine, then maybe you could do a trade off - bring her with you for errands she enjoys (my mom loved grocery stores  ::) ) and perhaps she'd watch your child when you did other errands - that would give her some out of house time, some time with grandchild, and you some alone time...is that workable?

And you might also find that your toddler will like 'playing with Grandma' better when you're not there!  (That's assuming, of course, that Grandma can be trusted to play appropriately with your child and would actually LIKE some time alone with him/her.)

mime

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #21 on: June 18, 2013, 05:02:21 PM »
Are you an introvert by any chance? When I read your OP, I feel like I know just what you mean, and it stems from my being an introvert. I get 'drained' being around people, and desperately need a certain amount of time to myself to feel normal again. Running errands, driving to work, etc. are some of those precious away-times for me.

The thought of having a visitor go along with me everywhere I went, or even to half of the places I went, is stressful.

If that's the case, letting DH know of a need to get alone-time for your own well-being could be helpful.


veronaz

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #22 on: June 18, 2013, 05:37:59 PM »
Quote
but it's definitely going to wear on me a lot if there is an expectation that every time I go out, she's coming with me.  Like I said before, it's bad enough I have to take the toddler with me everywhere.

I think there's some information missing, but...
OP, upthread someone asked if your DH said anything about taking MIL with you EVERY time you go someplace, and you didn’t answer.

So you don’t want MIL to tag along everytime and you don’t want your toddler to be with you everytime.

You need to sit down and talk to your DH about getting some alone time for yourself.

« Last Edit: June 18, 2013, 05:57:30 PM by veronaz »

Sophia

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #23 on: June 18, 2013, 05:48:13 PM »
I think you need to have a talk with your DH.  The visit is obviously stressful on you.  (I think I recognize a fellow introvert).  He seems to behave differently when you guys have your mothers visiting. 

  • He ducks out when your mother comes to visit.  This just isn't cool
  • He seems to want to duck out as much as possible when his own mother visits
  • He wants to give you extra chores, like making dinner.

One thing I would expect from my husband is for him to assist in my getting completely alone time.  Even if it is going to library for a few hours.Alone.

I would also expect him to do extra around the house.

For your part, I wouldn't work from home unless you had to. 


Lynn2000

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #24 on: June 18, 2013, 05:53:09 PM »
The problem with non-planners--which I'm sure you're already aware of--is that their last-minute decisions might involve you when you don't want to be involved, or they might not have the initiative to actually do anything, so that even though "DH is spending time with his mom," they're actually just sitting around your living room, and you're not able to get anything done on your own.

So, you might try being a bit proactive, just out of self-preservation. Like, sit down with DH and go through each day that MIL will be there (or might be there) and decide who "gets" her for each block of free time. Like, "Okay, I'm going to run some errands on Wednesday afternoon, and she can come with me on those if she wants. But, Thursday afternoon I need to clean, so you need to take her out of the house. I don't care what you guys do, but you need to be out of the house from 1pm to 5pm, and feed yourselves dinner." And then keep talking about it a lot, like, "MIL, you must be looking forward to Thursday afternoon, getting to spend some time with DH out and about!" So that it just becomes natural and expected for them to leave the house together that afternoon, and you can get stuff done. That way you're not really "planning stuff" for them, but you're setting up expectations that will help you.

Kind of like you would, I presume, with meal schedules, sleep arrangements, etc.. Just think of it like that--you're all probably assuming MIL will sleep on the fold-out couch (or whatever), right? That's not really a formal "plan," but you would be really surprised if she came over and tried to take over your bed, or expected you to find room for a huge air mattress, or something. So maybe something like, "You'll be on the fold-out couch in the den, we eat dinner at 6pm, on Saturday morning we're all going to the farmers' market together, Tuesday and Thursday you'll get to hang out with DH while I'm running errands, here's where we keep the coffee..."
~Lynn2000

veronaz

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #25 on: June 18, 2013, 05:59:19 PM »
There's also the possibility that MIL doesn't want to accompany you EVERY time you leave the house.

shygirl

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #26 on: June 18, 2013, 09:39:38 PM »
Are you an introvert by any chance? When I read your OP, I feel like I know just what you mean, and it stems from my being an introvert. I get 'drained' being around people, and desperately need a certain amount of time to myself to feel normal again. Running errands, driving to work, etc. are some of those precious away-times for me.

The thought of having a visitor go along with me everywhere I went, or even to half of the places I went, is stressful.

If that's the case, letting DH know of a need to get alone-time for your own well-being could be helpful.

I do really need some alone time, which unfortunately is very rare these days due to my toddler.

Well, when I got from work, I called my husband to say I'm home and that we can go shopping now.  He wasn't planning on coming with, citing that he needed some "fresh air".  That annoyed me to no end because I have been at work all day, and I also wanted to relax, so I told him I wasn't happy with this situation.  See, the problem is that MIL wanted to buy underwear and neither of us wants to do with her.  I'm just NOT close enough to her to help her pick out underwear.

Anyway, my husband ended up coming along on the shopping trip, I think because he realizes the importance of keeping me happy.  He kept the toddler busy while I sucked it up and helped MIL find some underwear.  It wasn't that bad.  After we purchased the underwear, we met up with the rest of the family and found a few other things we needed to get.

I might have worried too much about this because in the past my husband has been overly generous with MY time and energy.  So I get defensive about this sort of stuff, especially now that we have a young child who is demanding and hard to ignore.

veronaz

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #27 on: June 18, 2013, 09:48:03 PM »
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Anyway, my husband ended up coming along on the shopping trip, I think because he realizes the importance of keeping me happy.

Not sure what this means, but if that's true then he should have no problem doing whatever it takes to see that you get all the alone time you want.

shygirl

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #28 on: June 18, 2013, 09:53:19 PM »
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Anyway, my husband ended up coming along on the shopping trip, I think because he realizes the importance of keeping me happy.

Not sure what this means, but if that's true then he should have no problem doing whatever it takes to see that you get all the alone time you want.

Do you mean now while his mother is visiting, or just in general?

Either way, it's not practical for me to get all the alone time I want which I understand and can deal with.  I just wasn't happy that as soon as she got here, he wanted me to take her shopping.

TootsNYC

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Re: I don't want to take your mom shopping
« Reply #29 on: June 18, 2013, 10:37:39 PM »
See, the problem is that MIL wanted to buy underwear and neither of us wants to do with her.  I'm just NOT close enough to her to help her pick out underwear.


What? Why do you need to help her pick it out? Don't you just point her to that section of the store? Can't she read the back of the package?

Maybe underwear is sized differently in her country, but does she speak the language? Surely she can figure it out--**if you let her**. Just because she's older, and is from another country, doesn't mean she's helpless and needs you to hold her hand or help her that much. Most underwear packages have pictures, even.
  And maybe the metric conversion is a big deal, but a LOT of underwear packages have that as well.
   You just say, "do you know your size?" And if she doesn't, then you say, "Oh, let's go to a department store instead of Target, because there will be a saleslady who can help you." Bingo--you're done.


You know what? remember this, as the days go by:

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It wasn't that bad.

It's all going to be "not that bad," as long as you don't build it up mentally to be bigger than it really is.

And on any of those sorts of trips, build in some "zip off by myself" moments. Clue your DH in on it ahead of time, and then leave him and toddler and Mom, and you can say, "Oh, I want to go check out the shirts in that store." You go, spend 20 mins. trying them on, and then come back empty-handed.