DS stood up for a smaller boy-what should I do (if anything)?

[gramma dishes]

...   I don't agree. I might feel differently if it was a game where ALL the boys took turns trying not to flinch, but if Bobby was the only "flincher" then that sounds to me like an excuse to hit Bobby under the guise of a "game." Also, I think "friendly roughhousing" is between equals, not between a number of older boys and one younger one.

I totally agree with this.

I've also never heard of this "game".  Not all older brothers do stuff like this.  Mine certainly did not.  Nor did my son ever pull this kind of thing with his little sister! 

The age and size difference between the pokers and the flinchee are significant.  The fact that there were several pokers and only one flinchee is also significant.

[Onyx_TKD]

I've never, ever, heard of this flinching game but it sounds like straight up bulling, no question.

OP, I'd inform Bob's mother of the situation, and if the bullies do take any further action, I'd have no qualms in informing their parents as you said you would.

Kudos to your son for his actions!

I'd be tempted to inform the boys' sensei(s) as well. It sounds like bullying, not "two for flinching" between friends.

I was thinking the same thing when I saw the mention of martial arts training. I believe most martial arts' strongly emphasize self-control and using those arts responsibly for defense and/or sport, not attacking others. It seems like any responsible martial arts school would want to know if their students needed a refresher on those points.* OTOH, I would usually say that a child's misbehavior should be reported to their parents and not tattled to their school/team/club unless they were actively representing the school/team/club at the time of the infraction (or I thought they would pose a safety risk if the school/team/club was not informed).  So I'm not really sure how I'd approach it with the martial arts school (assuming I knew which they attended).

*My reading of the OP was that Bobby was being either peer-pressured or outright forced into this "game" when he didn't want to participate. That's inappropriate, even if the same game is enjoyable for willing participants. If Bobby wanted to play, I assume he would have told the OP so when he and the OP's son were explaining.

[Twik]

It sounds like what the phrase "it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" was created for.

[Peregrine]

If the boys have had martial arts classes you might want to impress upon them that you are disappointed in them and believe their Sensei would be too, if he heard about those kind of shenanigans.  That might be enough to get them to straighten out if they believe that you would "out" them to their teacher.

[cicero]

"Flinch" as described isn't roughhousing.  It's mean, intimidating behavior.  You absolutely should tell Bobby's mother... exactly what you have told us.  Let her handle it from there, but keep your eyes and ears open, as you may need to address the behavior again for Bobby's immediate protection.  Your son deserves quite a lot of praise for doing the right thing and if he gets any flack from those kids I wouldn't hesitate to talk to the parents.  Let them know that your son had to protect a younger child from them and now they are targeting him.

I agree

 And kudos to your ds

[Sharnita]

There also used to be a game I'd see students play that they'd call "chest". It was a complex little thing where they'd walk around with their arms crossed, covereing their chest.  If anyone let down their guard (and their arms) a buddy would take the opportunity to haul off and slug them as hard as possible in the chest. i hated it and was relieved when the game seemed to fade away.  Then, a few years ago, I was watching a sitcom on some network or another and in the opening scene one grown man was sneaking up on his unsuspecting friend.  In the back of my mind I thought "It looks like they are playing Chest but surely not" just then, pop, right in the chest.

I don't know why kids play games like this.  I don't know why it seems to be boys in particular.  I think we do need to address this but perhaps we need to consider to do it in a way that doesn't automatically feature them as monsters.

[kherbert05]

I've never, ever, heard of this flinching game but it sounds like straight up bulling, no question.

OP, I'd inform Bob's mother of the situation, and if the bullies do take any further action, I'd have no qualms in informing their parents as you said you would.

Kudos to your son for his actions!

I'd be tempted to inform the boys' sensei(s) as well. It sounds like bullying, not "two for flinching" between friends.

This if you know the school. A good martial arts school will come down on these boys like a ton of bricks. At this age it might have more of an impression than going to the parents.


I agree with the others. The not flinching game between equals is stupid but in the normal range of kid behavior. The fact your son felt the need to stand up for the boy tells me this was more of many against one and an excuse to hurt people.

 

[Lynn2000]

Never heard of this game myself, but it seems to me from the description by DS and Bobby that the behavior went well beyond what they, as part of the same peer group, considered acceptable. A big hand to DS for standing up for Bobby.

I would definitely tell Bobby's mom, since you mention she's a friend. I would take note of the other boys and keep an eye on them, but I wouldn't talk to their parents or martial arts school unless the situation repeated/escalated.

[Library Dragon]

If the boys have had martial arts classes you might want to impress upon them that you are disappointed in them and believe their Sensei would be too, if he heard about those kind of shenanigans.  That might be enough to get them to straighten out if they believe that you would "out" them to their teacher.

One more POD.  My sons' Sensei would have not tolerated this. 

[magician5]

Although most of the boys aren't very big, three have martial arts training.

Doesn't mean a whole lot - martial arts aren't magic any more than boxing is. They're kids.

[PeterM]

Although most of the boys aren't very big, three have martial arts training.

Doesn't mean a whole lot - martial arts aren't magic any more than boxing is. They're kids.

Kids with training in punching more effectively than their peers, who decided to take turns hitting a single younger, smaller peer. I agree with those who said this is only normal rough-housing if everyone takes turns getting hit. "Let's everyone hit Bobby" is just an excuse for bullying. Which can certainly be common behavior and a rite of passage among kids, but that doesn't mean it's harmless or acceptable.

I find it telling it that it was a kid who thought they were going too far and stopped them. This wasn't an over-concerned parent interfering with kids just being kids. One of their peers felt they were out of line and put an end to it. I'm not going to second guess him.

[Acadianna]

This says it perfectly:

Just because it's "tradition" it doesn't mean that it's ok. Some traditions deserve to die. One would hope that we can improve our treatment of each other and not preserve cruelty under the guise of "we've always done that." Most universities have banned the "tradition" of hazing, and with good reason.

OP, your son did the right thing.

I would definitely let Bobby's mother know what happened. so she can keep an eye on things.

ETA:  And your DS is ***awesome***!!!

[*inviteseller]

I haven't read all the replies yet, so forgive me if it has already been said but, what you need to do is
First :  Give your son a big hug.  What a great thing to do, risking getting 'the business' himself to help someone smaller!
Second :  Pat yourself on the back for raising a compassionate son with a great sense of right/wrong and the guts to stand up for the small kid.
Third : Just keep an eye and ear out for anymore roughhousing (bullying).  If there is no more of these incidents, good, if there are, talk to the parents.

[scotcat60]

We'll have to just disagree then. In my experience "two for flinching" is a very traditional, widespread game, often dealt by older kids upon younger ones. Its almost a right of passage. It hurts, but its not the same as being beaten up - if the big kids wanted to just beat the younger one up they would, this game is a weird way older kids help younger ones learn to toughen up; its usually done to a younger kid the older ones like. Older brothers for example (seriously allolder brothers I knew growing up, my own included) do this to their younger siblings, older cousins to younger cousins, etc. Heck Bart Simpson has done this to Lisa.

If it is a "rite of passage", it's a daft one, IMHO. I don't know where you grew up, but no one I knew played this game, and certainly not my older brother, or older cousins. And "it's usually done to kids the older ones like", that's not a convincing arguement to my mind. If you like someone you don't bully them.

[nayberry]

nothing constructive to add just wanted to say well done DS!!