Author Topic: How to Politely Correct an Elder?  (Read 8316 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

SPuck

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 996
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #45 on: June 19, 2013, 09:11:01 PM »
but in my experience caregivers tend to develop an ability to look past the behavior and treat the person.

I agree with this. You have to trust the caregivers to do the right thing. If your concerns are that great the only option is to take her out of institution and move her into your own home.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2013, 09:13:01 PM by SPuck »

PeterM

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3321
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #46 on: June 19, 2013, 09:33:01 PM »
We're concerned because some of the ethnic views she comes up with are absolutely vile.  The idea that Obama is the Anti-Christ is mild by comparison.  When MIL forwarded one of these to everyone in the family, a normally shy Grand Daughter in-law took her to task for it in a forceful and eloquent Email.  Other family members came to the support of GDIL.  MIL backed down.     

You really should've led with this. It truly does make MIL look like a fool, where your original examples did not.

Quote
MIL is relatively independent now but she won't always be so. We worry what will happen when her well-being may be in the hands of some of  the people she so reviles.

We know we can't really change her but we hope we can convince her to be a bit more circumspect about these opinions.  That's where E-Hell may be able to help us.     

Does she voice her racist opinions around the people she's insulting? Most racists are at least more circumspect than that, out of self-preservation if nothing else. As others have said, health care workers tend to have thick skins. If she spouts filth to others and gets slapped down for it, maybe she'll learn better. If she won't learn from that sort of negative experience nothing you can do or say is likely to get through to her.

kareng57

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12338
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #47 on: June 19, 2013, 11:15:24 PM »
We're concerned because some of the ethnic views she comes up with are absolutely vile.  The idea that Obama is the Anti-Christ is mild by comparison.  When MIL forwarded one of these to everyone in the family, a normally shy Grand Daughter in-law took her to task for it in a forceful and eloquent Email.  Other family members came to the support of GDIL.  MIL backed down.     

 MIL is relatively independent now but she won't always be so. We worry what will happen when her well-being may be in the hands of some of  the people she so reviles.

We know we can't really change her but we hope we can convince her to be a bit more circumspect about these opinions.  That's where E-Hell may be able to help us.     


Okay, but you've waited until now to come up with this very valid concern.  Honestly, the number of annual graduates from a Chinese university - who cares if she gets it wrong?

Racial views - yes, that's a concern.  But, as others have said, staff caregivers are very used to this.  It's not unusual for dementia patients to express views that they'd have never had in their "previous" life.  Down the road - if she deteriorates mentally - there's almost nothing that you can do.  If you say to her, in the morning, "Grandma, you know that's not a nice thing to say", she'll have forgotten about it a couple of hours later.

PeterM

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3321
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #48 on: June 20, 2013, 12:15:48 AM »
Going back a few years, many people believe Ronald Wilson Reagan was the anti-Christ. Same thing about William Jefferson Clinton, and George Walker Bush.

So, I don't see how her saying this about Barack Hussein Obama is racist at all.

That specific example really has nothing to do with the situation and discussing it is likely to get the thread shut down.

LeveeWoman

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4205
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #49 on: June 20, 2013, 12:17:40 AM »
Why?

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9074
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #50 on: June 20, 2013, 12:32:27 AM »
We're concerned because some of the ethnic views she comes up with are absolutely vile.  The idea that Obama is the Anti-Christ is mild by comparison.  When MIL forwarded one of these to everyone in the family, a normally shy Grand Daughter in-law took her to task for it in a forceful and eloquent Email.  Other family members came to the support of GDIL.  MIL backed down.     

 MIL is relatively independent now but she won't always be so. We worry what will happen when her well-being may be in the hands of some of  the people she so reviles.

We know we can't really change her but we hope we can convince her to be a bit more circumspect about these opinions.  That's where E-Hell may be able to help us.     

Going back a few years, many people believe Ronald Wilson Reagan was the anti-Christ. Same thing about William Jefferson Clinton, and George Walker Bush.

So, I don't see how her saying this about Barack Hussein Obama is racist at all.

LeveeWoman, what the OP said was that the Antichrist example was not an example of what MIL believes, and that what she believes is more off the wall than that. You have misread the post.

KimodoDragon

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 79
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #51 on: June 20, 2013, 09:19:52 AM »
We're concerned because some of the ethnic views she comes up with are absolutely vile.  The idea that Obama is the Anti-Christ is mild by comparison.  When MIL forwarded one of these to everyone in the family, a normally shy Grand Daughter in-law took her to task for it in a forceful and eloquent Email.  Other family members came to the support of GDIL.  MIL backed down.     

 MIL is relatively independent now but she won't always be so. We worry what will happen when her well-being may be in the hands of some of  the people she so reviles.

We know we can't really change her but we hope we can convince her to be a bit more circumspect about these opinions.  That's where E-Hell may be able to help us.     

Going back a few years, many people believe Ronald Wilson Reagan was the anti-Christ. Same thing about William Jefferson Clinton, and George Walker Bush.

So, I don't see how her saying this about Barack Hussein Obama is racist at all.

LeveeWoman, what the OP said was that the Antichrist example was not an example of what MIL believes, and that what she believes is more off the wall than that. You have misread the post.

Or ignored it. 

Let's stick to the subject at hand.  I'm sure the OP would appreciate it.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 31734
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #52 on: June 20, 2013, 09:30:47 AM »
We're concerned because some of the ethnic views she comes up with are absolutely vile.  The idea that Obama is the Anti-Christ is mild by comparison.  When MIL forwarded one of these to everyone in the family, a normally shy Grand Daughter in-law took her to task for it in a forceful and eloquent Email.  Other family members came to the support of GDIL.  MIL backed down.     
...
We know we can't really change her but we hope we can convince her to be a bit more circumspect about these opinions.  That's where E-Hell may be able to help us.     

I don't see why this is such a huge problem--it's an appropriate situation, for one of her family to react like that. That might convince her to be a bit more circumspect.

The other thing you can do is not necessarily correct her but to say, "MIL, it's important not to send political emails--that's just unpleasant for the entire family. People get upset. Stick to LOLcats or something."

but in my experience caregivers tend to develop an ability to look past the behavior and treat the person.

I agree with this. You have to trust the caregivers to do the right thing. If your concerns are that great the only option is to take her out of institution and move her into your own home.

Also, many times people with ill-thought-out racist views don't *really* believe them, and they treat those "other races" that they encounter daily with a great deal of pleasantness.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 31734
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #53 on: June 20, 2013, 09:42:50 AM »
(I agree, this concern that we're dealing with here is a very different thing from MIL getting facts wrong on the altitude of the resort.)

The other thing is for each of you to rebuke her each time she says something racist.

And perhaps also to say, "Bad enough that you say this to us--I hope you'll never say something like this to someone who *IS* <insert race/creed/color here>! You would really hurt their feelings!"

Basically keep bringing in the idea that these are *real people* here. And that this topic or that point of view is offensive. You do that every time--behavior modification.

Kiara

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2600
    • My dragons!
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #54 on: June 20, 2013, 09:58:39 AM »
Not sure if this would work, but....my mom's dad had a tendency to say things like that.  Our response was always "Granddad/Dad!  You don't say stuff like that!"  If he said he didn't mean it, or it wasn't that bad, we said "It doesn't matter, you DON'T SAY THAT!"

Of course, we tend to be a direct kinda family.  But maybe something short like that?

Minmom3

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2461
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #55 on: June 20, 2013, 12:30:03 PM »
My  mom is a subtle racist, and unless you're family, you won't hear it.  She's friends with anybody, no problem.  Her family marrying into another race?  Problem!  She is moderating as her dementia increases, thank diety!  However, what she still is, is size-ist.  She's a small woman who used to be a tall and thin woman.  She HATES body fat with a fiery passion.  She will, and has for decades, made LOUD comments on how large somebody is, how poorly they chose their clothing, how much they're eating, etc.  Mom has always had a very carrying voice, and there is no question that her target hears the comments.  She used to be impossible to shut up, but that too has moderated as the years pass.  Now I can (and do) tell her that she's being rude, and needs to stop.  And she will stop, for a bit.  She'll start up again after a while, though.  I'm sure she makes comments about me (I out weigh her by 100 pounds...) when I'm not there, but at least to my face she doesn't do that.
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

cass2591

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 3370
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #56 on: June 20, 2013, 02:36:13 PM »
Please leave any references to politicians out of this discussion since it isn't really applicable. Who she is calling an anti Christ is not relevant.
There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ~ Mark Twain

Adopting a pet won't change the world, but it will change the world for that pet.

Calypso

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2754
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #57 on: June 20, 2013, 03:14:29 PM »
Thipu, it sounds to me like you're dealing with two strong aspects of human nature (shared by people of all ages)---one of which is almost impossible to shut down, but the other is one that will, I think, serve your purpose well without you having to take any action.

The first is the universal desire to feel important, part of a select group, to feel in the know. It's why it's so hopeless to try and use logic or reason or facts to talk someone out of their pet conspiracy theory. If Joe is part of a group of 100 people who KNOW that the stoplight turns red when they're in a hurry because the government is tracking them.....all the "facts" I can offer him mean nothing. Why would he want to give up being part of a special group and become ordinary just like the rest of us?

Fortunately, it sounds like your MIL is with-it enough to respond well to another, really strong, aspect of human nature: the urge toward self-preservation. Look how quickly she responded when faced with the threat of her GDIL's loss of respect. She reigned in her behavior, at least where GDIL could see it. I think the same will hold true with caregivers of whatever race. Unless she really loses some of her mental faculties, she'll have enough of a sense of self-preservation to cool it in the presence of people who could
be offended.
And if she can't, it will probably be because she can't---she won't have the mental ability to stop herself---and, as PPs have said, caregivers are used to people in that situation.

I do agree with (Luci, was it?) (my memory! ::)), the PP who said that just because we're older, don't assume we don't want to be corrected.....but the further attitudes you've described, Thipu, sound less like getting facts wrong and more like an emotional stance you're not going to reason her out of.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 31734
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #58 on: June 20, 2013, 03:54:10 PM »
Quote
I do agree with (Luci, was it?) (my memory! ), the PP who said that just because we're older, don't assume we don't want to be corrected..


Ditto, just as an aside.

VorFemme

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13182
  • Strolls with scissors! Too tired to run today!
Re: How to Politely Correct an Elder?
« Reply #59 on: June 20, 2013, 05:04:27 PM »
Or she needs new bifocals or to re-learn where the focal point is on new ones (if she has them).

It might just be that she can't clearly see what she's trying to read.




Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?