Author Topic: Wedding Gift Spat- Should Cultural Traditions Be Considered in Gift Giving?  (Read 27168 times)

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TootsNYC

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Neither side seems able to let the matter rest.  I truly believe that, if the parties were speaking face-to-face, things would never have reached the level it did.

I agree that part of what was so horrible was that the gift-givers launched into attack mode. The brides were rude to them, but they were completely rude right back. In fact, THEY made it personal with direct insults! I have to say I don't admire them particularly either.

And yeah, it's easy to be nasty by email, and I think that influenced the gift givers just as much.


The Wild One, Forever

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The thing that gets me about "cultural" traditions in this sense... this did not take place in Italy or Croatia. This happened in Canada. I wonder if either bride has even spent more then at most a few months - if even a single day - in Italy or Croatia, or if they planned to live there, or follow all the other details of those cultures? Because it seems to me when you invite a Canadian, to a wedding in Canada, where you live and work, its pretty reasonable to expect to get a gift that follows Canadian gift giving culture.

This is my thinking, as well, and applies to the USA, too.

I'm half Italian and have been to my share of Italian weddings.    ;D  There is a small contingent, especially in a certain area of the country, where "cover your plate" is the expected norm, but I have never heard of anyone confronted about not doing so.  It's not just tacky and rude to belittle a gift given; it's also mean and hurtful.  The bride was completely out of line.

We received a food basket, (a nice one from Hickory Farms), as a wedding gift, and it was among our favorite gifts received. 
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heartmug

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I was just at a wedding (the groom is 100% Italian) at a country club a couple of months ago.  I gave a $50 gift off their registry and we wrote a check for $100.  I have no idea if that covered the dinner for me, DH, and our dd.  I don't know the prices.

That bride is beyond rude.  You thank a person for their gift, for coming to your wedding, and you never ever correct them as to what you think is proper etiquette.  Wow.
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HGolightly

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A number of years ago we attended a wedding for a work friend. The invite did not specify presentation only so I put together a movie themed gift basket with their favourite treats and a $100 gift card. Months passed, no thank you note. CW asks another in front of me if they got their thank you note and "subtly" mentions that only the people who gave"real gifts " got thank you notes. The "real gifts" were just the money gifts. I declined attending her subsequent baby showers.

NyaChan

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I'm not seeing where it talks about their ethnic background - what am I missing?

Fourth paragraph from the bottom up.
Laura's Italian and her bride is Croatian.

ohhh thanks!

NyaChan

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A number of years ago we attended a wedding for a work friend. The invite did not specify presentation only so I put together a movie themed gift basket with their favourite treats and a $100 gift card. Months passed, no thank you note. CW asks another in front of me if they got their thank you note and "subtly" mentions that only the people who gave"real gifts " got thank you notes. The "real gifts" were just the money gifts. I declined attending her subsequent baby showers.

 :o That's horrible!!  I would have loved that gift!  I just don't get people sometimes.

saki

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Obviously, the bride was very rude here.  I do, though, also think that the gift basket wasn't a great gift either - I sort of feel like, if you're going to go that route, it should be with foodstuffs that you now that the couple (both of them - not just the one you know best) really like and it doesn't sound like that was the case here.  One of our wedding gifts was a BBQ cookbook - I'm vegetarian.  We sent a polite thank you note but I do also think that it was a very poor choice of gift.

sparksals

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A number of years ago we attended a wedding for a work friend. The invite did not specify presentation only so I put together a movie themed gift basket with their favourite treats and a $100 gift card. Months passed, no thank you note. CW asks another in front of me if they got their thank you note and "subtly" mentions that only the people who gave"real gifts " got thank you notes. The "real gifts" were just the money gifts. I declined attending her subsequent baby showers.


So you gave a gift AND money and they didn't think that was good enough?  WOW!  DId they expect you to go through the Presentation line? 


For those that don't know, Presentation is a Manitoba tradition.  The wedding party lines up like a receiving line and the guests present the envelope to the HC.  It is very common for an invitation to say 'presentation'.  It is not done in any other part of Canada that I know of. 

nuit93

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ETA: I can see being generous if the married couple was being reasonable with expenses but just because you want to have a crazy expensive venue or excessive decorations doesn't mean I should have to gift you more than someone who has a more simple affair.  I gift the amount in correspondence with the relationship with the person, not how much they spent on the wedding.  I do gift what I consider pretty generously but then again I only go to weddings of people that actually care about me not just some random acquaintance.


"Cover Your Plate" bugs me too.  Just because a couple throws a more simple affair doesn't mean it's appropriate to give them less of a gift.  Not that gift should ever be expected, but using the cost of the event as a determinate for the value of a gift strikes me as wrong.

Shoo

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ETA: I can see being generous if the married couple was being reasonable with expenses but just because you want to have a crazy expensive venue or excessive decorations doesn't mean I should have to gift you more than someone who has a more simple affair.  I gift the amount in correspondence with the relationship with the person, not how much they spent on the wedding.  I do gift what I consider pretty generously but then again I only go to weddings of people that actually care about me not just some random acquaintance.


"Cover Your Plate" bugs me too.  Just because a couple throws a more simple affair doesn't mean it's appropriate to give them less of a gift.  Not that gift should ever be expected, but using the cost of the event as a determinate for the value of a gift strikes me as wrong.

Besides that, how are people supposed to know how much their food costs?  The whole concept is ridiculous.

nuit93

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ETA: I can see being generous if the married couple was being reasonable with expenses but just because you want to have a crazy expensive venue or excessive decorations doesn't mean I should have to gift you more than someone who has a more simple affair.  I gift the amount in correspondence with the relationship with the person, not how much they spent on the wedding.  I do gift what I consider pretty generously but then again I only go to weddings of people that actually care about me not just some random acquaintance.


"Cover Your Plate" bugs me too.  Just because a couple throws a more simple affair doesn't mean it's appropriate to give them less of a gift.  Not that gift should ever be expected, but using the cost of the event as a determinate for the value of a gift strikes me as wrong.

Besides that, how are people supposed to know how much their food costs?  The whole concept is ridiculous.

Well, in a couple cases I knew because the at least one part of the couple was close to me.  One was my sister and I knew they were spending $100/head because her FH wanted an open bar.  Another was a close friend of mine who was having the catering done by a local trade school so they got a really great deal, about $15/person for a buffet and an open beer/wine bar.

I didn't ask either time other than to enquire how wedding planning was going.

Eden

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Neither side seems able to let the matter rest.  I truly believe that, if the parties were speaking face-to-face, things would never have reached the level it did.

I agree that part of what was so horrible was that the gift-givers launched into attack mode. The brides were rude to them, but they were completely rude right back. In fact, THEY made it personal with direct insults! I have to say I don't admire them particularly either.

And yeah, it's easy to be nasty by email, and I think that influenced the gift givers just as much.

Agreed

mbbored

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The brides are using culture as an excuse for their horrible behavior. The unscientific poll now shows 88.67% in favor of the gift givers. (I suspect those of us from here have thrown the poll in the gift givers favor.)

Oddly enough, the "Is it tacky?" poll is about 50/50.  ;D For the record, I don't think it was.

I do think the gift was odd. Marshmallow whip? But not necessarily tacky or rude. Short of gifts that blatantly disregard someone's known and obvious moral positions, I can't really think of any gift being rude.

I agree the gift of snack foods was an odd choice. Unless I know the couple really well I prefer to shop off the registry so I can guarantee they'll like the gift.

MyFamily

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http://www.thespec.com/news-story/3845206-have-your-say-about-the-wedding-gift-firestorm/

The link above was posted in SS thread in the coffee break folder - it answers some questions that are raised here - including the fact that the gift basket wasn't just marshmallow fluff and sour candies. 


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BabyMama

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I love the bit where they are quoting the back and forth email exchange between brides and guests:

"Newlyweds: “Weddings are to make money for your future … not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven’t gave gifts since like 50 years ago!"

I had no idea weddings are for making money!

If they could somehow make money from a 210 guest wedding at $100 a plate, perhaps they'd like to be my financial planners. Otherwise... ::)
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