Author Topic: Wedding Gift Spat- Should Cultural Traditions Be Considered in Gift Giving?  (Read 19257 times)

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Audrey Quest

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Just because it would be a "thing" in your circle of friends doesn't make it generally a good idea for a gift.

Obviously there is a lot of diversity of gift giving all over the planet and certain things are more acceptable in one group than another, but it is really apparent that in this particular circle it was decidedly not a "thing."

But, particularly for a formal event.  Presumably if the B&G are spending $100/plate this is not a casual BBQ in the backyard.

I still stand by it being generally tacky to give something more suited to a "welcome to the neighborhood gift" as a wedding gift.  And while it is never OK to not accept a gift graciously, it doesn't make it right.

Its interesting that in defending this basket that people think that they will use the basket forever--many of those baskets are just for looks unless you pay even more--and we could probably discuss the appropriateness of a basket for both a man and a woman as a wedding gift--that is really taste specific.

In this case, it was obviously the gift basket of edibles that was the gift--not a fine basket.

If you don't know that your gift is on target for a particular couple, you should stick with more traditional fare- something off the registry, a gift card to the place they are registered or cash.

Also, a note on "just clicking"--these baskets can be bought by "just clicking" the same as a place setting or a toaster.  It's not so much the effort and thought that is put into the gift as what it says.  This one was cutesy.

You are making an awful lot of blanket pronouncements from on high about The Way Things Are Donetm. What Queen or deity decided:

1) That wedding gifts are required to have gravitas. What's wrong with being cutesy? Is there no joy, no whimsy to be had in the world? Or perhaps you believe whimsy and joy are inappropriate for celebrating marriages - how sad. Anyway, how much gravitas does a toaster or a George Foreman grill have?

2) That giving a basket is only acceptable if it is a Fine Basket. Seriously?

3) That consumable items are inherently inappropriate. Money is essentially consumable, and we give that all the time. And dang, but this gift requires a lot more thought and effort than writing a check for the same value. And to conclude, as you implied in an earlier post, that a gift of consumables reflects the giver's philosophy on marriage - the hyperbolic judgment required for that leap is remarkable.

4) That this gift is 'more suited to a welcome to the neighborhood' or 'only appropriate for a casual backyard BBQ. I don't even know how you make this determination.

5) That it is inappropriate to wish the couple 'to enjoy life'. What a bitter and judgmental view of things, that simply telling someone 'to enjoy life' on occasion of their wedding might be met with such derision and scorn.


In short, I agree with a prior poster that this view is narrow minded. I also think the extraordinary judgment being laid down, simply because this gift does not meet your personal standards for How Wedding Gifts Are Supposed To Be is arrogant and mean-spirited.

Since when did ehell become a place where insulting other posters was appropriate?  Should I even bother to read what you have written when you start off by insulting me?  I have opinions just like anyone else here.  The way that I express them isn't any different from the way that anyone else expresses theirs, including yours, except here, instead of discussing a topic --instead of giving your opinion on a TOPIC, you are discussing ME. 

I am not the topic.  What you are doing is very inappropriate!

Shoo

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Regarding cultures, is it the culture of the host or the guest that should matter?  If I'm invited to the wedding of someone whose culture is different from mine, how much research am I, as a guest, expected to do in order to not make a faux pas?

And, for that matter, why would I be expected to forego my culture in favor of theirs?  Is that some sort of etiquette rule I never heard of?

Jones

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The gift would be very appropriate in my area. I have a coworker who will marry next month; she said that she would be very grateful for a basket of goodies, whether pre-assembled by a company or put together by a dear friend.


Also, may I point out that the giver had given the brides a gift card as a bridal shower gift? Lots of people on this website have mentioned taking the value of a bridal shower gift into consideration when considering what to give for the wedding.

Aeris

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Just because it would be a "thing" in your circle of friends doesn't make it generally a good idea for a gift.

Obviously there is a lot of diversity of gift giving all over the planet and certain things are more acceptable in one group than another, but it is really apparent that in this particular circle it was decidedly not a "thing."

But, particularly for a formal event.  Presumably if the B&G are spending $100/plate this is not a casual BBQ in the backyard.

I still stand by it being generally tacky to give something more suited to a "welcome to the neighborhood gift" as a wedding gift.  And while it is never OK to not accept a gift graciously, it doesn't make it right.

Its interesting that in defending this basket that people think that they will use the basket forever--many of those baskets are just for looks unless you pay even more--and we could probably discuss the appropriateness of a basket for both a man and a woman as a wedding gift--that is really taste specific.

In this case, it was obviously the gift basket of edibles that was the gift--not a fine basket.

If you don't know that your gift is on target for a particular couple, you should stick with more traditional fare- something off the registry, a gift card to the place they are registered or cash.

Also, a note on "just clicking"--these baskets can be bought by "just clicking" the same as a place setting or a toaster.  It's not so much the effort and thought that is put into the gift as what it says.  This one was cutesy.

You are making an awful lot of blanket pronouncements from on high about The Way Things Are Donetm. What Queen or deity decided:

1) That wedding gifts are required to have gravitas. What's wrong with being cutesy? Is there no joy, no whimsy to be had in the world? Or perhaps you believe whimsy and joy are inappropriate for celebrating marriages - how sad. Anyway, how much gravitas does a toaster or a George Foreman grill have?

2) That giving a basket is only acceptable if it is a Fine Basket. Seriously?

3) That consumable items are inherently inappropriate. Money is essentially consumable, and we give that all the time. And dang, but this gift requires a lot more thought and effort than writing a check for the same value. And to conclude, as you implied in an earlier post, that a gift of consumables reflects the giver's philosophy on marriage - the hyperbolic judgment required for that leap is remarkable.

4) That this gift is 'more suited to a welcome to the neighborhood' or 'only appropriate for a casual backyard BBQ. I don't even know how you make this determination.

5) That it is inappropriate to wish the couple 'to enjoy life'. What a bitter and judgmental view of things, that simply telling someone 'to enjoy life' on occasion of their wedding might be met with such derision and scorn.


In short, I agree with a prior poster that this view is narrow minded. I also think the extraordinary judgment being laid down, simply because this gift does not meet your personal standards for How Wedding Gifts Are Supposed To Be is arrogant and mean-spirited.

Since when did ehell become a place where insulting other posters was appropriate?  Should I even bother to read what you have written when you start off by insulting me?  I have opinions just like anyone else here.  The way that I express them isn't any different from the way that anyone else expresses theirs, including yours, except here, instead of discussing a topic --instead of giving your opinion on a TOPIC, you are discussing ME. 

I am not the topic.  What you are doing is very inappropriate!

On the contrary, I am in no way discussing you as a person. What I *am* doing is taking serious issue with the way that you state your personal opinions on what makes a good wedding present. I am taking issue with the insulting and scornful way you have approached this topic, and the other people discussing it.

And no, there is actually a difference between the way that you state your opinions and how others do. Where other people say things like "I prefer to give wedding gifts that last longer" or even the more strongly worded "In my circle, generally people expect wedding gifts to have more durability", you have seemed hell bent on declaring your personal opinions as blanket rules that apply to all and sundry, and that anything that violates them is tacky, rude, and inappropriate. You have, in doing so, insulted everyone in this thread who has defended this gift or ever given anything like it that violates your personal wedding gift rules of gravitas, durability, and formality.

Hijinks

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If I can find it, I get the HC a container off of their registry, and then I fill it with bars of my homemade stuff like soap, bath bombs, etc.  A lot of personal time and effort goes into making that stuff, so if someone doesn't like it and it doesn't cover the "cost" of my plate, they can go spit.

snowdragon

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If I can find it, I get the HC a container off of their registry, and then I fill it with bars of my homemade stuff like soap, bath bombs, etc.  A lot of personal time and effort goes into making that stuff, so if someone doesn't like it and it doesn't cover the "cost" of my plate, they can go spit.
I love this idea can I steal it?

Vall

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The gift would be very appropriate in my area. I have a coworker who will marry next month; she said that she would be very grateful for a basket of goodies, whether pre-assembled by a company or put together by a dear friend.


Also, may I point out that the giver had given the brides a gift card as a bridal shower gift? Lots of people on this website have mentioned taking the value of a bridal shower gift into consideration when considering what to give for the wedding.
If I remember correctly, the basket had a gift card included with it too.

We really would have been thrilled with this gift.  I know that people like different things and have different standards regarding wedding gifts but I would hate for someone to discourage a person from assembling a gift like that for me (not that I intend on re-marrying my DH).

Aeris

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If I can find it, I get the HC a container off of their registry, and then I fill it with bars of my homemade stuff like soap, bath bombs, etc.  A lot of personal time and effort goes into making that stuff, so if someone doesn't like it and it doesn't cover the "cost" of my plate, they can go spit.

What a lovely, thoughtful, and *personalized* gift. I would be so touched to receive something like that!

Olympia

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Just because it would be a "thing" in your circle of friends doesn't make it generally a good idea for a gift.

Obviously there is a lot of diversity of gift giving all over the planet and certain things are more acceptable in one group than another, but it is really apparent that in this particular circle it was decidedly not a "thing."

But, particularly for a formal event.  Presumably if the B&G are spending $100/plate this is not a casual BBQ in the backyard.

I still stand by it being generally tacky to give something more suited to a "welcome to the neighborhood gift" as a wedding gift.  And while it is never OK to not accept a gift graciously, it doesn't make it right.

Its interesting that in defending this basket that people think that they will use the basket forever--many of those baskets are just for looks unless you pay even more--and we could probably discuss the appropriateness of a basket for both a man and a woman as a wedding gift--that is really taste specific.

In this case, it was obviously the gift basket of edibles that was the gift--not a fine basket.

If you don't know that your gift is on target for a particular couple, you should stick with more traditional fare- something off the registry, a gift card to the place they are registered or cash.

Also, a note on "just clicking"--these baskets can be bought by "just clicking" the same as a place setting or a toaster.  It's not so much the effort and thought that is put into the gift as what it says.  This one was cutesy.

You are making an awful lot of blanket pronouncements from on high about The Way Things Are Donetm. What Queen or deity decided:

1) That wedding gifts are required to have gravitas. What's wrong with being cutesy? Is there no joy, no whimsy to be had in the world? Or perhaps you believe whimsy and joy are inappropriate for celebrating marriages - how sad. Anyway, how much gravitas does a toaster or a George Foreman grill have?

2) That giving a basket is only acceptable if it is a Fine Basket. Seriously?

3) That consumable items are inherently inappropriate. Money is essentially consumable, and we give that all the time. And dang, but this gift requires a lot more thought and effort than writing a check for the same value. And to conclude, as you implied in an earlier post, that a gift of consumables reflects the giver's philosophy on marriage - the hyperbolic judgment required for that leap is remarkable.

4) That this gift is 'more suited to a welcome to the neighborhood' or 'only appropriate for a casual backyard BBQ. I don't even know how you make this determination.

5) That it is inappropriate to wish the couple 'to enjoy life'. What a bitter and judgmental view of things, that simply telling someone 'to enjoy life' on occasion of their wedding might be met with such derision and scorn.


In short, I agree with a prior poster that this view is narrow minded. I also think the extraordinary judgment being laid down, simply because this gift does not meet your personal standards for How Wedding Gifts Are Supposed To Be is arrogant and mean-spirited.

Brava, Aeris, brava. I'd much prefer a gift given with love over a gift given from a sense of obligation and "gravitas".

Wordgeek

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Aeris and Audrey Quest are both taking a little break from the forum.

Everyone else, carry on.

Edited for typo.
« Last Edit: July 07, 2013, 09:57:20 PM by Wordgeek »

Hijinks

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If I can find it, I get the HC a container off of their registry, and then I fill it with bars of my homemade stuff like soap, bath bombs, etc.  A lot of personal time and effort goes into making that stuff, so if someone doesn't like it and it doesn't cover the "cost" of my plate, they can go spit.
I love this idea can I steal it?

But of course :)

POF

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Did I receive gifts at my wedding that were not to my taste ? Of course I did, who doesn't.  Did I care - no.  I exchanged a duplicate here and there an I appreciated that people gave me a gift.

Most wedding presents where I grew up were simple things for your house, cash was considered only appropriate for close family members.

I received some very small gifts in terms of money or sophistication, some embroidered linens, a lovely XMAS ornament from a very down on his luck friend, some vases.  I never thought of my wedding in terms of loot. It was paid for by me - 6 months in advance, DH paid for the honeymoon.  We paid cash and did not go into debt for it. We were hosting it and the I wanted everyone to have a nice time and celebrate with us.

Its just nasty to call out someone on their gift. Its greedy, rude and shows bad breeding. Even if the gift was wildly inappropriate and I thought the basket was fine - honestly - I would have enjoyed it. You say thank you and move on.

I am just appalled -

Hmmmmm

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Looking at that gift basket,and ignoring all the rest iof it, I think the guests were rude and tacky to give it.

"Life is delicious, enjoy..."  really?  I could see it being a housewarminig gift or a welcome to the neighborhood gift.  But, for a wedding?  Candy?  It flies in the face of the seriousness of the event.  Maybe some candy would be alright accompanied by something with a bit more gravitas.

It seems to me that the guests wanted to come off cute but ended up coming off cheap.

I disagree that the gift was rude. Perhaps it missed the mark (its not what I would have given for a wedding), but sometimes that happens when you give a gift. But I think giving a gift can only be rude in extreme circumstances (for example giving something illegal or intentionally offensive).

Besides, looking from the picture, candy was only a part of the gift. It also contained all sorts of gourmet foods. And in this case, the giver knew the recipient from the food industry, and perhaps didn't know much else about her. But even if it was just candy, it still wouldn't be rude - just perhaps not the best gift.

Its not an appropriate wedding gift.  There are a lot of events for which is would be fine but not  a wedding.

I think as a guest you do need to do some math.  Yes, you are going because you are happy for the couple and not simply to get a nice dinner.  But, you are suppose to be considering what this coupe needs for getting their lives started and a basket of edibles really doesn't fit the bill.

I know that people here can come up with a million exceptions but that is not the point.  Marriage is a relatively permanent thing, you don't celebrate it by giving people something they will consume ina few days.  You try to give them something more permanent or money to buy those things that will be more permanent.

And I think it is rude because its a rather thoughtless gift given the circumstances.  Perhaps it conveys the gift givers' philosphy of marriage which is also not appropriate, and the message.  not OK.  You say congratulations or happy for you, not To enjoy life.  That is too general and in this situation kind of condescending even.

I don't think math should enter in to selecting a wedding gift other than a review if your own budget, and there is nothing less permenant than money given then used to pay for a wedding reception. Or asking people to fund your honeymoon activities.

I seriously can't imagine being insulted by someone stating life is delicious or helping stock my pantry with gourmet items or providing me with goodies to snack on the day after the wedding.

We gave friends a nice insulated wine carry bag and 4 bottles of wine. They loved it and used the wine fir their first dinner party.

Sterling

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Quote
Its not an appropriate wedding gift.  There are a lot of events for which is would be fine but not  a wedding.

I think as a guest you do need to do some math.  Yes, you are going because you are happy for the couple and not simply to get a nice dinner.  But, you are suppose to be considering what this coupe needs for getting their lives started and a basket of edibles really doesn't fit the bill.

I know that people here can come up with a million exceptions but that is not the point.  Marriage is a relatively permanent thing, you don't celebrate it by giving people something they will consume ina few days.  You try to give them something more permanent or money to buy those things that will be more permanent.

And I think it is rude because its a rather thoughtless gift given the circumstances.  Perhaps it conveys the gift givers' philosphy of marriage which is also not appropriate, and the message.  not OK.  You say congratulations or happy for you, not To enjoy life.  That is too general and in this situation kind of condescending even.

Ok wow don't know where to start with that.

First off when people are getting married in their 30s you generally are not giving gifts to "set them up" in life because they already are.  As for permanent I can assure you the vase, picture frame or other such "serious" item will end up in the yard sale or donation bin.  It won't be some family heirloom passed down to their kids with a story of how they received it on their wedding day.  Especially not when dealing with people as rude as the couple in this story.

And I can't imagine anyone thinking "Enjoy life" as condescending. If they do it says more about their joyless life than it does the person who nicely gave their good wishes to couple.  And to imply that giving a consumable gift shows that the giver thinks marriage is just as temporary as candy is really over the top.
93 93/93

StoutGirl

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Hijinks, I love your idea!

I don't remember if it was on this forum or if it was on the actual Hells Bells page comments, but someone mentioned getting a picnic basket as a wedding gift and it went EVERYWHERE!  What a great gift for a 4-H family or someone who loves roadtripping!

On a side note, I have mentioned on the forum that I work retail.  I just wanted to share that last week, I was helping a woman with a registry.  She had a limited budget and ended up choosing a bread knife and cheese grater.  I suggested adding a loaf of artisan bread and some really good cheese (us Upper Midwesterners LOVE cheese!).  She thought that it was an amazing idea, one that she might not have thought of, and I think she was about to hug me!