Author Topic: Should I tell my sister?  (Read 3793 times)

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dawbs

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Re: Should I tell my sister?
« Reply #15 on: June 20, 2013, 03:32:41 PM »
Telling him that you're not comfortable w/ that is the best place to start.

That said, I'd tell my sister in a heartbeat.  Not in a "can you believe he said X" more like "Sis, I wanted to give you a head's up.  Bob contacted me last night and, during normal chit-chat, he started describing to me issues between the 2 of you.  I asked him not to involve me and he dialed back, but i wanted you to know that it happened"

Because this behavior can be a way of isolating people and jeopardizing her relationships.

Firecat

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Re: Should I tell my sister?
« Reply #16 on: June 20, 2013, 03:51:20 PM »
Telling him that you're not comfortable w/ that is the best place to start.

That said, I'd tell my sister in a heartbeat.  Not in a "can you believe he said X" more like "Sis, I wanted to give you a head's up.  Bob contacted me last night and, during normal chit-chat, he started describing to me issues between the 2 of you.  I asked him not to involve me and he dialed back, but i wanted you to know that it happened"

Because this behavior can be a way of isolating people and jeopardizing her relationships.

I think this is an excellent point.

And this may be off-the-wall, but part of my nasty, suspicious little brain was wondering, "So, if the OP had been sympathetic, how soon would he have been asking her for a side game of scrabble?" Because, seriously, the "my wife doesn't understand me, you're so easy/awesome to talk to" has to be one of the oldest lines in the book...

I'm not saying that's what would have happened, only that it's one possibility that occurs to me. But I think, "I am not comfortable with this. Stop now" is a perfectly reasonable and polite response. And I would tell the sister, as uncomfortable a conversation as that would be. But if it were my sister, I'd also want her to know that I'm there if she needs me.

dawbs

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Re: Should I tell my sister?
« Reply #17 on: June 20, 2013, 04:14:36 PM »
My suspicious mind went there because one of my sisters has been in 2 abusive relationships.

Both of those exes worked VERY hard to get me on 'their side' by blurring boundries--it was a way of trying to keep her from having support she'd need to leave.

veronaz

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Re: Should I tell my sister?
« Reply #18 on: June 20, 2013, 04:42:58 PM »
“BIL, I’m not comfortable hearing details about your marital problems and relationship with my sister.  Please don’t tell me anymore; I don’t want to be pulled into it.”  Lather, rinse, repeat.  You might want to block him on FB if he won’t stop.

OP, you’re the one who should be offended, not him.  So he gets mad - so what?; you said you’re not close to him anyway.  (In view of that, I find it strange that he’s whining to you.)

Their marital problems should be between him, his wife, and maybe a professional counselor.

Quote
I absolutely do NOT think you should tell your sister. What purpose would it serve? It would only add stress and insert you into a situation you want to avoid.
This.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2013, 04:51:41 PM by veronaz »

JoyinVirginia

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Re: Should I tell my sister?
« Reply #19 on: June 20, 2013, 05:01:24 PM »
I would tell BIL that you're not a counselor and that he should really try couple's counseling instead of telling you about their issues.
This. And add any variation of ”I love you both and will not get in the middle” that you want.
And I would let your sister know that you did not discuss anything with the husband.

weeblewobble

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Re: Should I tell my sister?
« Reply #20 on: June 20, 2013, 05:41:08 PM »
POD with * inviteseller.

My OldestDD's first husband used to do that......there were other problems.....and he is now her XH.

POD. Going to you and your mom before your sister can contact you smacks of manipulation.  It sounds like he's trying to a) sway you to his side and b) cut sis off from her resources in terms of people she can go to for support.

MariaE

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Re: Should I tell my sister?
« Reply #21 on: June 21, 2013, 02:44:54 AM »
Telling him that you're not comfortable w/ that is the best place to start.

That said, I'd tell my sister in a heartbeat.  Not in a "can you believe he said X" more like "Sis, I wanted to give you a head's up.  Bob contacted me last night and, during normal chit-chat, he started describing to me issues between the 2 of you.  I asked him not to involve me and he dialed back, but i wanted you to know that it happened"

Because this behavior can be a way of isolating people and jeopardizing her relationships.

I agree with this! I'd tell my sister immediately and in fact I would think it my duty to tell my sister.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

menley

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Re: Should I tell my sister?
« Reply #22 on: June 21, 2013, 06:10:12 AM »
Thanks for the advice, everyone! It seems that there is a general consensus on what to say to my brother-in-law, but a mixed response on whether or not I should tell my sister.

As thus far it was a one-time message, and he hasn't tried to resume the conversation since then, I have decided that I will not tell her as long as my BIL abides by my request to stop discussing their problems with me. If he continues, I will tell her.

Sharnita

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Re: Should I tell my sister?
« Reply #23 on: June 21, 2013, 06:19:09 AM »
I will say that I can see BIL calling if it were a case of them having issues stemming from eratic behavior, extreme depression or some similar issue on sister's part.  That does not seem to be the case at all here but I could see a spouse calling and describing some of the behaviors, not to get somebody on his side but because he is concerned and needs help getting her help.  I can't imagine either of my BIL's calling me to get me on their side in a spat so if they called me to tell me something like this I might think post partum depression or some other illness and they needed help getting her to the doctor.