Author Topic: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)  (Read 5183 times)

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Thipu1

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #15 on: June 22, 2013, 08:26:20 AM »
I would regard this event less as a Wedding than as a Victory Celebration.  It's a celebration not only for you and your DP but for everyone who wants their love to be legally recognized as such.   

The people who are likely to attend know both of you and are unlikely to see the event as a gift-grab. 

While I wouldn't advise a happy dance in the end zone, anything else you'd like to do is just fine. 

Every happiness to both of you. 

perpetua

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #16 on: June 22, 2013, 08:56:54 AM »
I think it's a unique situation, and given its nature, *double* the cause for an extra celebration. I can't see how anyone could possibly object.

MurPl1

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #17 on: June 22, 2013, 02:58:56 PM »
I'm in the camp of those who feel you've had your wedding.  Granted it might not have been legal in the eyes of the law, but presumably it was very meaningful to you and your partner, much the same as my wedding was to me.  I believe weddings are sacred and shouldn't be taken lightly. 

If you want to have a vow renewal on your anniversary, and it also happens to serve the purpose as legalizing your marriage in the eyes of the government, that's a different party in my eyes. 

NyaChan

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #18 on: June 22, 2013, 03:47:46 PM »
Could you describe the wedding you and DP already had?  Even if you did have a wedding before, I wouldn't think it was rude to have a "It's legal!" party now to celebrate with your friends unless it really was very wedding-like and the previous one was as well.  If you had a full wedding before, I wouldn't necessarily put it in terms of "come to our wedding" but to celebrate the change is appropriate - like dress like bride/bride style, have a cake, some dancing.  If you didn't have a full wedding before, then I'd still have it in a "It's legal" sort of way, but maybe some more wedding-like trappings - like a vow renewal with an officiant & maybe display the license.

MariaE

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #19 on: June 22, 2013, 05:26:05 PM »
I agree with the last two posters. I'm of the opinion that you get to have one celebration... So a courthouse ceremony followed at a later stage by a church blessing + celebration is fine in my book, but a courthouse ceremony + celebration followed at a later stage by a church blessing + celebration wouldn't be.

So depending on your earlier wedding, I'd stick with a "It's legal!" type of party. But you know your friends best - you're more likely to know how they would feel about it than strangers on a website :)
 
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gellchom

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #20 on: June 23, 2013, 02:14:19 AM »
I do agree that the historic circumstances should provide for an etiquette exception to the one-publicly-celebrated-event rule.  So I wouldn't say that there is any etiquette violation if you do this.

Personally, though, I'd go with what some of the others have suggested and do something like have a courthouse ceremony privately and then have a great party to celebrate your state-recognition (I don't say "legality," because your marriage isn't "illegal" now, it's just not recognized in all jurisdictions).  You are part of an important moment in history, and that's worth celebrating! 

The reason I wouldn't do it so much as a second wedding is that I wouldn't want to diminish the significance of your first ceremony, as if to say, "Well, now that the laws have changed, we can stop pretending that that first wedding was anything more than playing at being married" or that government recognition is the most important thing to you about your marriage. 

What will you consider your anniversary date?  Your first wedding, right?  So that's the real one.

And congratulations to you, and to us all, as we welcome equality.  (By the way, don't worry if the Supreme Court's opinions this month aren't grand slams - there are sound jurisprudential reasons to expect that the decisions, especially the California case, won't and probably shouldn't (for technical reasons) be sweeping ones, even if the Court were 100% sympathetic in principle.  But we will get there very soon anyway, and it will ultimately work out better if the legal process is very careful.)

Aluminum

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #21 on: June 24, 2013, 12:11:48 AM »
I would regard this event less as a Wedding than as a Victory Celebration.  It's a celebration not only for you and your DP but for everyone who wants their love to be legally recognized as such.   

I agree with all my heart.  And were I your friend, I would be thrilled to be asked to participate in this VC-cum-wedding even were I not at the original (potentially equally as important, emotionally) ceremony.

And congrats to you and your loved one!  :D

Winterlight

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #22 on: June 24, 2013, 08:07:16 AM »
So the delay for the SCOTUS decision has me daydreaming, and I thought I'd ask folks - for couples that (like me and DP) have both had a wedding, albeit a small one, and have been together for a while, is it rude to have another wedding once it's legal? Is a BWW out of the question? It's not a gift grabby thing, especially since we got a grand total of ten gifts, all thoughtful but not expensive, at our first and wouldn't expect anything different now. I just kind of want to have a celebration, once it's legal!

I see no problem with another wedding. I'd probably avoid the BWW, but a big fancy party is a lovely idea.

I am usually hardline about the one wedding rule, but this counts as "extraordinary circumstances" in my book. Fingers crossed that it can happen!
If wisdomís ways you wisely seek,
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Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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RebeccainGA

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #23 on: June 24, 2013, 08:59:28 AM »
Thanks for the perspectives, guys - what complicates our situation is that we have, sort of, already had two parties - we had a Cherokee handfasting service in 2005, at the behest of our church in Arkansas as part of their "National Coming Out Day" celebration, and while we don't consider that our 'wedding' it certainly had elements of a wedding to some - we did not exchange rings, but did have officiants (two UU ministers pressed into service and a Cherokee shaman who was also a Christian minister). Then we had a formal wedding on the same date in 2006, in my sister's back yard (very small service, catered by my parents, flowers done by my grandmother, family and four or five almost family sort of friends). So I sort of feel like we're pressing our luck, etiquette wise, with something else. Maybe we'll just go to Vegas and get legally married by Elvis. :D

CakeEater

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #24 on: June 25, 2013, 05:49:07 AM »
In light of the update, I think a quiet ceremony might be the way to go.

RebeccainGA

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #25 on: June 25, 2013, 08:10:46 AM »
In light of the update, I think a quiet ceremony might be the way to go.

Absolutely. Now, that doesn't mean that for others, the situation isn't unique - but I didn't want to add in the extra about our situation, as it is TRULY just freaking out there. :D

stitchygreyanonymouse

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #26 on: June 25, 2013, 12:57:21 PM »
Iím one of those people who usually thinks itís a hard line: one wedding per marriage, with allowance for the separation of civil and religious services in areas that require them (but not months apart, and I actually wish that such were the case here in the US). And that does, from my perspective, extend to marriages that weren't legally recognized when the wedding was held.

But the caveat to my opinion is that I think people can celebrate whatever they want, whenever they want, so long as they don't expect everyone to give them gifts and expend a ton of effort.

So, I think that a couple who had a wedding in the past is perfectly fine with having a "itís now legal, letís party" type event, but I don't think that should involve a ceremony with vows in front of all the guests. After all, if they made vows in front of people before, even if they weren't part of a legal standing, those vows should still be valid. A party is great, after you go to the courthouse and make it legal. And I think this is true regardless of the gender sameness or difference of the couple.

If a couple chooses to get married at the courthouse with only witnesses and JOP present and then throw a BWW later, I think they're trying to eat their cake and have it too. I don't know that there is a correlation to same-sex relationships, since I doubt many are having a non-legal commitment ceremony with only one or two witnessesóI guess maybe if they go out of state to marry where it is legalóbut if they did, and they presented themselves as married (legally or not) afterward, I think they don't get to decide they want a BWW later.

In the end though, as a guest, I would be there to support and celebrate with my friends, regardless. I may not give them a large gift, particularly if I already had, and would send my regrets to someone I'm not close to, but I would be happy that they are finally afforded the right to marry the person they love, and that is something to celebrate. Iíd just mentally eye-roll at the multiple weddings.

Mikayla

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #27 on: June 29, 2013, 01:26:08 PM »
I think of a different example where one member of the couple is being deployed so they wed quickly and then want to have the "real" wedding after the deployment is over.  Some posters tend to say "extraordinary circumstances, allow a loophole in the one wedding rule".  Others hold a hard line and insist that the couple could have waited or need to learn to be happy with what they had.  I imagine that in most cases, teh same people will give the same answers for the same reasons in this case.

Not true, at least with me.  I'm a real hardliner on one wedding per couple, and a military deployment is just one of many issues that might cause a couple to get married quickly or in a certain way.  But it's still a choice and it doesn't change the definition of wedding (as laid out in Ellen's post).

In Rebecca's case, there was never a wedding (in the traditional and legal sense of the word).  I'm assuming, as others are, that it was some kind of commitment ceremony not resulting in a legal marriage.  If this is true, to me it's a totally different situation and I think anything is fine, including a BWW.


*inviteseller

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #28 on: June 30, 2013, 06:11:30 PM »
Go for it!  It isn't like you are trying to have numerous ceremonies to get as much loot as possible.  This is more, to me, a celebration of your marriage finally being accepted as it is...two people who love each other and want to spend their lives together.  I only hope that some day soon, all couples will be able to celebrate their unions of love without government intervention and without such horrific rhetoric !

CakeEater

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Re: Multiple weddings, same couple = rudeness? (same-sex couples)
« Reply #29 on: June 30, 2013, 10:25:56 PM »
I think of a different example where one member of the couple is being deployed so they wed quickly and then want to have the "real" wedding after the deployment is over.  Some posters tend to say "extraordinary circumstances, allow a loophole in the one wedding rule".  Others hold a hard line and insist that the couple could have waited or need to learn to be happy with what they had.  I imagine that in most cases, teh same people will give the same answers for the same reasons in this case.

Not true, at least with me.  I'm a real hardliner on one wedding per couple, and a military deployment is just one of many issues that might cause a couple to get married quickly or in a certain way.  But it's still a choice and it doesn't change the definition of wedding (as laid out in Ellen's post).

In Rebecca's case, there was never a wedding (in the traditional and legal sense of the word).  I'm assuming, as others are, that it was some kind of commitment ceremony not resulting in a legal marriage.  If this is true, to me it's a totally different situation and I think anything is fine, including a BWW.

For me, it's the number of 'wedding-like' ceremonies that I'm 'expected' to attend. I wouldn't accuse Rebecca of expecting or demanding that people attend her wedding.

But if I've attended a ceremony with officiants and one with flowers and catering, I'd be wondering why I was being invited to a third.

I'd be happy that my friends could make it legal, but I'd feel like I had attended enough ceremonies in honour of the same event - the joining of these two people.