But ... But ... It's Not Like It's Work! (Craft Freebies)

[amylouky]

http://www.wave3.com/story/17796924/donations-meant-for-tornado-victims-end-up-for-sale-in-thrift-store

This story kills me. Short version, a group of quilters donated several handmade quilts to the Red Cross, to be given to victims of a tornado that wiped out a town near me last year.
Forward about a month, one of the quilters sees her quilts for sale at a local thrift shop. For $50.
I don't even do quilts, or craft anything well enough to sell, but I was angry on their behalf.

[jedikaiti]

Thank you for this thread! It makes me feel not so alone

I've always been a pretty good baker and I regularly make goods at home for DH and myself to enjoy.  I've also recently learned to quilt, having wanted to for years and finally got my first sewing machine in January.  Somehow, I got it into my head that in addition to a smaller purchased gift for SIL's birthday several months ago, I also wanted to make her a quilt since she's complained of always being cold in her apt, etc.  Plus I'm new to this craft and wanted to practice, and it gave me an excuse to buy more fabric 

After spending more than $80 on materials (normal bday budget is $20, which SIL set the rule for) and 30 hours piecing and quilting, it was complete and DH and I both thought it was great. I'm not invited to their family time on the weekends so sent DH with the gifts for her and this is what he reported back to me:


SIL: (opening gifts) Oh... Is this a quilt? Did Raina make this?
DH: She sure did! We thought you could use it for the couch or something since you said you're always cold.
SIL: Well... It's very well coordinated...
DH: She spent weeks making it and designing it.
SIL: Where's my birthday cake? Did Raina make one for me?
DH: No, she didn't have time because she spent so much time on the quilt.
SIL: But I already told my co-workers that I'd share my cake with them!!

I’m getting hung up on why you would make someone who has events that you're not allowed to attend a quilt.

But after that conversation, I certainly wouldn't be baking, sewing, or buying for her ever again.

That, too. Are you the only excluded spouse, or is it bio family only?

[amylouky]

Thank you for this thread! It makes me feel not so alone

I've always been a pretty good baker and I regularly make goods at home for DH and myself to enjoy.  I've also recently learned to quilt, having wanted to for years and finally got my first sewing machine in January.  Somehow, I got it into my head that in addition to a smaller purchased gift for SIL's birthday several months ago, I also wanted to make her a quilt since she's complained of always being cold in her apt, etc.  Plus I'm new to this craft and wanted to practice, and it gave me an excuse to buy more fabric 

After spending more than $80 on materials (normal bday budget is $20, which SIL set the rule for) and 30 hours piecing and quilting, it was complete and DH and I both thought it was great.  I'm not invited to their family time on the weekends so sent DH with the gifts for her and this is what he reported back to me:


SIL: (opening gifts) Oh... Is this a quilt? Did Raina make this?
DH: She sure did! We thought you could use it for the couch or something since you said you're always cold.
SIL: Well... It's very well coordinated...
DH: She spent weeks making it and designing it.
SIL: Where's my birthday cake? Did Raina make one for me?
DH: No, she didn't have time because she spent so much time on the quilt.
SIL: But I already told my co-workers that I'd share my cake with them!!

So, wait. SIL has a birthday celebration (even if it's during normal family time) to which you are NOT INVITED.. and has the nerve to complain that you didn't send along a cake in addition to the beautiful handmade gift?

The mind, it boggles.

It does raise the question of what is up with the family-only time, though. I wouldn't go to something that my DH wasn't allowed to attend.

[BarensMom]

Thank you for this thread! It makes me feel not so alone

I've always been a pretty good baker and I regularly make goods at home for DH and myself to enjoy.  I've also recently learned to quilt, having wanted to for years and finally got my first sewing machine in January.  Somehow, I got it into my head that in addition to a smaller purchased gift for SIL's birthday several months ago, I also wanted to make her a quilt since she's complained of always being cold in her apt, etc.  Plus I'm new to this craft and wanted to practice, and it gave me an excuse to buy more fabric 

After spending more than $80 on materials (normal bday budget is $20, which SIL set the rule for) and 30 hours piecing and quilting, it was complete and DH and I both thought it was great. I'm not invited to their family time on the weekends so sent DH with the gifts for her and this is what he reported back to me:


SIL: (opening gifts) Oh... Is this a quilt? Did Raina make this?
DH: She sure did! We thought you could use it for the couch or something since you said you're always cold.
SIL: Well... It's very well coordinated...
DH: She spent weeks making it and designing it.
SIL: Where's my birthday cake? Did Raina make one for me?
DH: No, she didn't have time because she spent so much time on the quilt.
SIL: But I already told my co-workers that I'd share my cake with them!!

I’m getting hung up on why you would make someone who has events that you're not allowed to attend a quilt.

But after that conversation, I certainly wouldn't be baking, sewing, or buying for her ever again.

That, too. Are you the only excluded spouse, or is it bio family only?

I'm boggled that Raina's DH would go to an event where his wife wasn't welcome and that Raina is okay with that.

[Amara]

Raina, are you not considered family? By your husband or his family? I am aghast at the idea.

[rose red]

Even without the issue of the quilt, she expected you to make a cake for a party you were shut out off?  Why?  Because it's family?  Oh, wait...

[BarensMom]

The post about the Red Cross quilt made me remember this story from my knitting instructor:

Instructor leads a group of volunteers to knit squares for "Warm Up America."  Instructor and others in the group will sometimes knit up to 25 coordinated squares to make 1 afghan, other times, it is a collection of random colors/styles/yarns grouped together.  All the resulting afghans were being donated to an abused women and children's shelter in the county.  That ended when she saw one of the coordinated afghans decorating the wall of the shelter director's office.  The afghans are now donated elsewhere.

[Raina]

It's...an interesting situation, to say the least.  DH's family is insensitive? on many levels either by their ignorance, selfishness, or refusal to recognize that the world doesn't revolve around them.  DH is completely different from them and I think he is the way he is (laid back, responsible, loyal, etc) because they are the way they are.

Every weekend, he and SIL go over to MIL's house (FIL passed before DH and I got together) to hang out with her for a bit, DH helps around the house if needed, then he and SIL go work out together (she won't go without him).  This has been their routine for 15+ years? I'm not invited because they wouldn't think to and they're not welcoming to me so I wouldn't really want to.  DH has learned from our past experiences that when they exclude me from things, he's not supposed to be laid back about it and he's supposed to stick up for me, like when they blatantly didn't invite me to their Christmas gathering.  This particular thing though, I've never been asked to come over, and as it happens every single week, it's not worth causing a huge fuss over.

The in laws are prone to extreme drama and I try to save our efforts for the bigger grievances.  I chalk this up to this is how his family has done it for years and they're not going to change anytime soon.  Plus, if I'd been there in person, I'm not so sure I could've stopped evilRaina from speaking quite rudely.

Definitely no more handmade (or handbaked!) gifts for people who don't appreciate them though!

I think SIL was wanting another creation similar to the 7 layer chocolate truffle cake I made as her gift on a different year.  You'd think I'd learn to stop hoping his family would appreciate anything 

[Cami]

Even without the issue of the quilt, she expected you to make a cake for a party you were shut out off?  Why?  Because it's family?  Oh, wait...

Reminds me of something that happened to me years ago. I threw a bridal shower for my assistant at work. A few days later, a staff member at the shower asked me if I'd throw a bridal shower for her. I was nonplussed as she'd made no bones about her dislike of me. So I responded, "Oh. Does that mean I'm invited to your wedding?"  She looked shocked and aghast and blurted out, "Of course not! You just throw the best parties and I want my shower to be the best, so I want you to throw it." I quoted her a fee for event planning. Let's just say she declined.

[FauxFoodist]

Reminds me of something that happened to me years ago. I threw a bridal shower for my assistant at work. A few days later, a staff member at the shower asked me if I'd throw a bridal shower for her. I was nonplussed as she'd made no bones about her dislike of me. So I responded, "Oh. Does that mean I'm invited to your wedding?"  She looked shocked and aghast and blurted out, "Of course not! You just throw the best parties and I want my shower to be the best, so I want you to throw it." I quoted her a fee for event planning. Let's just say she declined.

I remember you posting about this before.  I recall being very impressed with your calm, cool response to that snowflake.

[nayberry]

It's...an interesting situation, to say the least.  DH's family is insensitive? on many levels either by their ignorance, selfishness, or refusal to recognize that the world doesn't revolve around them.  DH is completely different from them and I think he is the way he is (laid back, responsible, loyal, etc) because they are the way they are.

Every weekend, he and SIL go over to MIL's house (FIL passed before DH and I got together) to hang out with her for a bit, DH helps around the house if needed, then he and SIL go work out together (she won't go without him).  This has been their routine for 15+ years? I'm not invited because they wouldn't think to and they're not welcoming to me so I wouldn't really want to.  DH has learned from our past experiences that when they exclude me from things, he's not supposed to be laid back about it and he's supposed to stick up for me, like when they blatantly didn't invite me to their Christmas gathering.  This particular thing though, I've never been asked to come over, and as it happens every single week, it's not worth causing a huge fuss over.

The in laws are prone to extreme drama and I try to save our efforts for the bigger grievances.  I chalk this up to this is how his family has done it for years and they're not going to change anytime soon.  Plus, if I'd been there in person, I'm not so sure I could've stopped evilRaina from speaking quite rudely.

Definitely no more handmade (or handbaked!) gifts for people who don't appreciate them though!

I think SIL was wanting another creation similar to the 7 layer chocolate truffle cake I made as her gift on a different year.  You'd think I'd learn to stop hoping his family would appreciate anything 

in that case DH gets his family presents, i wouldn't waste another moment on them

[Elfmama]

It's...an interesting situation, to say the least.  DH's family is insensitive? on many levels either by their ignorance, selfishness, or refusal to recognize that the world doesn't revolve around them.  DH is completely different from them and I think he is the way he is (laid back, responsible, loyal, etc) because they are the way they are.

Every weekend, he and SIL go over to MIL's house (FIL passed before DH and I got together) to hang out with her for a bit, DH helps around the house if needed, then he and SIL go work out together (she won't go without him).  This has been their routine for 15+ years? I'm not invited because they wouldn't think to and they're not welcoming to me so I wouldn't really want to.  DH has learned from our past experiences that when they exclude me from things, he's not supposed to be laid back about it and he's supposed to stick up for me, like when they blatantly didn't invite me to their Christmas gathering.  This particular thing though, I've never been asked to come over, and as it happens every single week, it's not worth causing a huge fuss over.

The in laws are prone to extreme drama and I try to save our efforts for the bigger grievances.  I chalk this up to this is how his family has done it for years and they're not going to change anytime soon.  Plus, if I'd been there in person, I'm not so sure I could've stopped evilRaina from speaking quite rudely.

Definitely no more handmade (or handbaked!) gifts for people who don't appreciate them though!

I think SIL was wanting another creation similar to the 7 layer chocolate truffle cake I made as her gift on a different year.  You'd think I'd learn to stop hoping his family would appreciate anything 

in that case DH gets his family presents, i wouldn't waste another moment on them

Yep.  Not your circus, not your monkey.  HE gets to buy their cards, buy their gifts, keep up with their schedule.  You can resign from being his social secretary. 

Do you mean that you have NEVER had a weekend to yourselves? 

[dawnfire]

Thank you for this thread! It makes me feel not so alone

I've always been a pretty good baker and I regularly make goods at home for DH and myself to enjoy.  I've also recently learned to quilt, having wanted to for years and finally got my first sewing machine in January.  Somehow, I got it into my head that in addition to a smaller purchased gift for SIL's birthday several months ago, I also wanted to make her a quilt since she's complained of always being cold in her apt, etc.  Plus I'm new to this craft and wanted to practice, and it gave me an excuse to buy more fabric 

After spending more than $80 on materials (normal bday budget is $20, which SIL set the rule for) and 30 hours piecing and quilting, it was complete and DH and I both thought it was great. I'm not invited to their family time on the weekends so sent DH with the gifts for her and this is what he reported back to me:


SIL: (opening gifts) Oh... Is this a quilt? Did Raina make this?
DH: She sure did! We thought you could use it for the couch or something since you said you're always cold.
SIL: Well... It's very well coordinated...
DH: She spent weeks making it and designing it.
SIL: Where's my birthday cake? Did Raina make one for me?
DH: No, she didn't have time because she spent so much time on the quilt.
SIL: But I already told my co-workers that I'd share my cake with them!!

so you're not invited but she wants your cake? well there'll be no more quilts or cakes again

[Cami]

Reminds me of something that happened to me years ago. I threw a bridal shower for my assistant at work. A few days later, a staff member at the shower asked me if I'd throw a bridal shower for her. I was nonplussed as she'd made no bones about her dislike of me. So I responded, "Oh. Does that mean I'm invited to your wedding?"  She looked shocked and aghast and blurted out, "Of course not! You just throw the best parties and I want my shower to be the best, so I want you to throw it." I quoted her a fee for event planning. Let's just say she declined.

I remember you posting about this before.  I recall being very impressed with your calm, cool response to that snowflake.

Thanks. (I think... Don't mean to repeat myself and bore people!)  I'm not sure what enabled me to be so calm about it because really that was so atrocious of her. I think, however, it may have been THE moment when those wise words hit home, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission." It's a choice we all can make, whether to be a doormat or not. I choose "not". And a positive consequence is that the more you refuse to be a doormat, the better you get treated. Allow people to treat  you with disrespect and they learn to step on you harder and harder. Refuse and they back away.

[FauxFoodist]

Reminds me of something that happened to me years ago. I threw a bridal shower for my assistant at work. A few days later, a staff member at the shower asked me if I'd throw a bridal shower for her. I was nonplussed as she'd made no bones about her dislike of me. So I responded, "Oh. Does that mean I'm invited to your wedding?"  She looked shocked and aghast and blurted out, "Of course not! You just throw the best parties and I want my shower to be the best, so I want you to throw it." I quoted her a fee for event planning. Let's just say she declined.

I remember you posting about this before.  I recall being very impressed with your calm, cool response to that snowflake.

Thanks. (I think... Don't mean to repeat myself and bore people!)  I'm not sure what enabled me to be so calm about it because really that was so atrocious of her. I think, however, it may have been THE moment when those wise words hit home, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission." It's a choice we all can make, whether to be a doormat or not. I choose "not". And a positive consequence is that the more you refuse to be a doormat, the better you get treated. Allow people to treat  you with disrespect and they learn to step on you harder and harder. Refuse and they back away.

Oh, no -- I never thought you were boring to tell the story again!  It is one of those wonderful moments when someone thinks of the perfect thing to say in the middle of an SS situation and says it.