Author Topic: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)  (Read 11074 times)

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delabela

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
« Reply #15 on: June 24, 2013, 04:58:00 PM »
My SO gets into the details, while I am a big picture person.  I really don't think he's doing it to correct me, but more of a "hey, there's an interesting thing I know about XYZ - I'll say it now" thing.  Sometimes I'm happy to go along with whatever tangent comes up ("oh, was it 1957?  I thought it was 1956 because blah blah blah"), sometimes I just tell him the date doesn't matter, what's really interesting is XYZ. 

Thipu1

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
« Reply #16 on: June 24, 2013, 05:20:37 PM »
It sounds like a personality "quirk" that you have to decide if you can live with or it bugs you too much.

I'm an engineer and spend 90% of my day with engineers and that sounds like typical conversations to me.  :)

True.  It sounds like a typical engineer's conversation.  Mr. Thipu's an engineer and he used to catch me out on bits of trivia that and nothing substantial to do with the story at hand.  He's gotten better over the years but he still does it from time to time and it breaks up the narrTive to an annoying degree. 

ME to table mates.  'This is our 37th cruise'.
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TootsNYC

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
« Reply #17 on: June 24, 2013, 05:26:35 PM »
Quote
I feel end up feeling like he doesn't understand, isn't listening and/or cares more about being right.

I think you should say this to him. He's your boyfriend--he's supposed to care about what you are saying more than he cares about being right. And you're supposed to be able to share your feelings with him. Feelings like this.

Tell him you're hurt. Ask him if he knows why he corrects you. Ask him what you should do or say to get him to drop the tangenital picky correction and get him to focus back on the *meaning*, and also tell him exactly what response you are looking for from him (which is, "yay, my girlfriend didn't get soaked")

I'd have that talk with him. And then every time he does it, say, "you've just made me feel like you don't care about what I am *really* saying, which feels a lot like you not caring about me at all."

My SO does this, and I just say, witha  little bit of heat, "That's not my point. And *I* *am* *talking*." (I have to add the 2nd because he'll take off on the tangent.)

CaffeineKatie

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
« Reply #18 on: June 24, 2013, 05:49:13 PM »
I had similar problems with my husband--he is a teacher, so getting facts correct in the course of telling a story is his profession, after all.  However, I pointed out to him (when we were alone) that while people laughed and enjoyed my stories (slightly inaccurate info and all), he was often greeted with silence when he launched into a lecture-style contribution at social gatherings.  The light came on!!!!  He's gotten much better.

 Having said that, some people will never understand why they can clear a room the minute they say, "Now, you'll find this interesting....."

Softly Spoken

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
« Reply #19 on: June 24, 2013, 06:03:53 PM »
Thanks for the feedback so far guys.  :)

I just wanted to say a few things for context -
  • This is a new relationship for me so it's not like we've been together a long time and he's driven me crazy with this for years.
  • I have no plans to distance myself from him as this is a small hiccup in an otherwise pretty darn good relationship;)
  • He is not exactly a Sheldon Cooper and not an engineer. He is a bit younger than me and maybe a tad shy/socially awkward. I would call him a "Sports Nerd" - he watches a lot of sports and is obsessed with professional wrestling, but he doesn't play sports himself. He also watches a ton of movies and t.v. shows and loves to play trivia games so...yeah, basically any conversation with him about pop culture is going to come with a minimum of one correction or tangent because it is His Thing. He gets so excited about it that he seems to forget that it is my 'thing' too to some extent (just not nearly to the extent it is his!). I have to remind him that I know what he is talking about sometimes. ::)
  • I had a good guffaw/wince at gellchom's giving my BF the name of "Cuthbert" in the conversation example, so I will preclude any future use of random, strangely antiquated names and henceforth christen my BF "CB" or Cuddle Bear.  :-* I hope I do not have too many occasions to mention him on this board, at least not in the context of complaining about his etiquette faux pas. ;) He is a very sweet guy who has done a good job of owning his cluelessness when we had some communication trouble before. He likes to joke that it is good for me that he is highly trainable. ;D It is good, but I definitely do not want one of those cliched "fix the guy" relationships, so I will have to decide what behaviors I can put up with and what we'll have to sit and have a talk about. I like some PPs suggestion of considering it his contribution to the conversation.
"... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
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"We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't."  ~Frank A. Clark

Ryuugan80

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #20 on: June 24, 2013, 07:47:37 PM »
To be honest, if it was someone I was really close to (like a boyfriend), and i was feeling a little evil that day, I  would be tempted to ':

Put two fingers under their chin to keep their mouth shut, lean in really close and stare them in the eye, without blinking, and continue with what I was saying. Then smile (calmly or warmly, not smugly), lean back and continue the conversation as normal.

Every single time they did it.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2013, 07:53:12 PM by Ryuugan80 »
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Surianne

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #21 on: June 24, 2013, 10:39:11 PM »
To be honest, if it was someone I was really close to (like a boyfriend), and i was feeling a little evil that day, I  would be tempted to ':

Put two fingers under their chin to keep their mouth shut, lean in really close and stare them in the eye, without blinking, and continue with what I was saying. Then smile (calmly or warmly, not smugly), lean back and continue the conversation as normal.

Every single time they did it.

I think that would be extremely rude.  I wouldn't be your friend/girlfriend for long if you did this to me. 

Softly Spoken

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #22 on: June 24, 2013, 10:45:00 PM »
To be honest, if it was someone I was really close to (like a boyfriend), and i was feeling a little evil that day, I  would be tempted to ':

Put two fingers under their chin to keep their mouth shut, lean in really close and stare them in the eye, without blinking, and continue with what I was saying. Then smile (calmly or warmly, not smugly), lean back and continue the conversation as normal.

Every single time they did it.

lol I kind of like this!  >:D I think me and CB both have the sense of humor that would go to this sort of thing, if he gave me permission to 'remind' him not to do it if I said it bugged me. Now if only there were an equivalent for when you are on the phone with the person... ;)
"... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
-William Shakespeare

"We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't."  ~Frank A. Clark

Amava

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #23 on: June 25, 2013, 05:34:51 AM »
To be honest, if it was someone I was really close to (like a boyfriend), and i was feeling a little evil that day, I  would be tempted to ':

Put two fingers under their chin to keep their mouth shut, lean in really close and stare them in the eye, without blinking, and continue with what I was saying. Then smile (calmly or warmly, not smugly), lean back and continue the conversation as normal.

Every single time they did it.

I think that would be extremely rude.  I wouldn't be your friend/girlfriend for long if you did this to me.

Yeah I think they'd only have to do something like that to me *once*...
How intimidating!  :o Speak of red flags...

Collakat

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #24 on: June 25, 2013, 05:51:38 AM »
To be honest, if it was someone I was really close to (like a boyfriend), and i was feeling a little evil that day, I  would be tempted to ':

Put two fingers under their chin to keep their mouth shut, lean in really close and stare them in the eye, without blinking, and continue with what I was saying. Then smile (calmly or warmly, not smugly), lean back and continue the conversation as normal.

Every single time they did it.

That may be what Nigella's husband thought he was doing....

With regards to the original post. Because of my job and personality I can also get stuck in accuracy and detail. I rely on my best friend to point out these things for me because I don't realise I do it. It is not always nice hearing it and sometimes I resent her for it, but overall I appreciate it.

So far you are wonderfully understanding, but maybe you could point out to him how it is received at the 'sender' side. Something in line of "I know you are trying to contribute to the conversation, but correcting me on every fact makes me feel that you don't get what I'm actually trying to say"

wyliefool

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #25 on: June 25, 2013, 08:57:12 AM »
When DH does this to me--not too often, but it happens--I say something like 'the color of the sky is irrelevant to the main idea of my statement.' Everyone learned about finding the main idea in a paragraph in grade school (at least, everyone my age. Who knows what they teach kids these days) so it kind of triggers the 'oh I should pay attention to the big picture and not the irrelevant details' reflex.

Or, I just stop talking and look at him. At which point he starts begging me to finish my story because he's sooooooo interested.  ::)

Piratelvr1121

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #26 on: June 25, 2013, 09:12:33 AM »
Heehee..."Back up and look at the forest, would you?"
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

KimodoDragon

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
« Reply #27 on: June 25, 2013, 09:34:14 AM »
Oh my word, you are dating Sheldon Cooper?  ;D

Bazinga!

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #28 on: June 25, 2013, 09:57:53 AM »
Him being a sports nerd fits the situation pretty well.  Sports nerds usually have a head full of statistics, and they are *proud* of them.  (A lot of them could tell you, without thinking, who was the left fielder for the Phillies' 1980 World Series run.)
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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #29 on: June 25, 2013, 10:47:16 AM »
Him being a sports nerd fits the situation pretty well.  Sports nerds usually have a head full of statistics, and they are *proud* of them.  (A lot of them could tell you, without thinking, who was the left fielder for the Phillies' 1980 World Series run.)

He is downright scary sometimes - I answered his phone call while I was watching a Wrestlemania dvd he loaned me: he could tell from a few seconds of the commentary in the background which match I was watching.  :o ::)

He can rattle off who fought who, where, when and why/for what title at the drop of a hat. It's the "when" that kills me - I know timeline matters to a degree, but I have no head for dates (my least favorite aspect of history classes). On the other hand, I love the who and why - the story part of things. Once he realized he could actually talk to me about wrestling (and not have my eyes start to glaze over) if he cut back on the stats and focused on the drama he got very excited.  ;D
Sometimes having interests in common isn't enough - you have to be able to talk about them in the right way!
"... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
-William Shakespeare

"We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't."  ~Frank A. Clark