Author Topic: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)  (Read 11151 times)

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Gyburc

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #45 on: June 28, 2013, 06:17:18 AM »
"The Prisoner" by Iron Maiden from "Number of the Beast."

That's the one! Up the Irons!

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)  ;D
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Gyburc

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #46 on: June 28, 2013, 06:19:33 AM »
DH and I both have this tendency, but we try to squash it. We have an acquaintance, Tony, however, who is absolutely fixated on details, especially details about 1970s and 1980s TV shows and sci-fi movies.

Tony and his girlfriend very kindly gave me a lift to an event we were all going to a couple of months ago. As we were driving along, I happened to mention a bit of trivia concerning the TV series 'The Prisoner', specifically concerning the introduction to each episode. (For those of you who don't know it, each episode began with a spoken exchange between some of the characters.) The trivia I mentioned was that a band I am fond of had sampled this spoken introduction at the beginning of one of their songs, and had had to ask one of the actors personally for permission to use it.

'Ah,' says Tony, 'but which version of the introduction was it? Was it the original which featured Actor X?'
Tony's girlfriend chimed in 'It could have been the version used in episodes 28 to 37 where Actor X wasn't available and they used Actor Y instead.'
'Yes,' says Tony, 'or it could have been the version only used in the very last few episodes where they unexpectedly replaced Actor X with Actor Z instead.'
This went on for another five minutes.

All this over three lines of dialogue. And the lines weren't even spoken by the actor I had mentioned...

It strikes me that Tony and his girlfriend are both extremely lucky to have found an SO on their -- shall we say, highly-specialised -- wavelength; whose sustained company they can, therefore, stand !

Tony's girlfriend wasn't originally like this, but over the years has developed these tendencies.... (I nearly wrote 'he has rubbed off on her', then realised how dodgy that looked!)
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Miss Unleaded

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #47 on: June 28, 2013, 07:49:34 AM »
Honestly, this would be a deal-breaker for me.  This demonstrates a level of contempt and insecurity I could not tolerate from a romantic partner.

Agreed.  Intolerable is the word I'd use as well.  Interrupting your partner is bad enough.  To correct them on a point that isn't relevant to the discussion is rude and really shows lack of care or interest.  Personally, I'd avoid even being friends with someone like this.

To answer your specific questions:

1) When do you correct people and when do you let things go?

As a general rule, I think you may correct someone when:
- it pertains to the point of whatever they're discussing, instead of being an offhand comment or tangential to the subject,
- you are 100% certain you're correct,
- they've finished talking.

2) How do you correct people politely if you do feel the need to correct them?

I tend to say something like 'Are you sure that's correct?  I thought it was X, Y, Z?' and be prepared to support my correction with citations or logic if at all possible.  I don't often correct people though.

3) How do you handle it when someone's correcting you is coming across and nitpicking/rude and is really annoying?

I don't think it's E-hell approved but I would go with one of the following:

- stop talking and walk away.
- tell them bluntly to quit interrupting and arguing over unimportant details.
- raised eyebrow and complete silence.
- 'That's very interesting but not relevant to what I was saying'.


peach2play

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #48 on: June 28, 2013, 09:29:12 AM »
A good friend of mine does this, and for him, it's part of a larger problem of being selfish and not taking other people's needs into account.  His getting caught up in the details keeps him from having to deal with the big picture...picking out splinters when there is a huge beam on his leg as it were.  He's working on it and when he does this to me, I simply say, "That's not germane to the story." and continue.  If he keeps it up, I have permission to snap at him and tell him to knock it off.  He really is trying to improve and change but that's because he's really not liking who he is and wants to be a better person.

I say all that to say this, he seems like a really great guy and a good catch for a lot of women...until you get to know him and realize that the correcting and the need to always be right is part of a much larger, deeper problem.  To me, unless he is willing to work on it and get better, it would be a huge red flag.  Interrupting and the need to always be right is very rude and condescending.  It is a power play and I refuse to play those games.

MommyPenguin

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #49 on: June 28, 2013, 09:46:55 AM »
I'm not sure if this is quite the same thing, but my husband sometimes does this thing where he drives me crazy.  He can't *stand* it when you tell a story backwards or don't immediately identify something, even if it's to improve the story.  Trying to think of an example.  I can't get away with anything like,
"So, I was about to head out to the car when I heard this sound in the bushes!  So I hurried the kids to the car so that I could come back and--" 
Him: "What was it?" 
Me: "I'm getting there!  So I came back to try to figure out what the sound was, but it wasn't there anymore.  So I went inside to--" 
Him: "Did you figure it out?  What was it?"

I know I have a tendency to sometimes fail to identify characters ("they," etc.), but it's frustrating because my natural dialogue style is to sometimes create suspense by letting certain details be revealed gradually, or by giving a lead-in to the story, and these apparently just frustrate him as he wants to know the who what when where why and how immediately.  Maybe it's a writer vs. engineer thing?

BarensMom

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #50 on: June 28, 2013, 12:22:38 PM »
"The Prisoner" by Iron Maiden from "Number of the Beast."

That's the one! Up the Irons!

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)  ;D

I just received my issue of the IMFC magazine with tributes to Clive Burr and Sam Gadd. :'(

gellchom

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #51 on: June 28, 2013, 05:40:24 PM »
I'm not sure if this is quite the same thing, but my husband sometimes does this thing where he drives me crazy.  He can't *stand* it when you tell a story backwards or don't immediately identify something, even if it's to improve the story.  Trying to think of an example.  I can't get away with anything like,
"So, I was about to head out to the car when I heard this sound in the bushes!  So I hurried the kids to the car so that I could come back and--" 
Him: "What was it?" 
Me: "I'm getting there!  So I came back to try to figure out what the sound was, but it wasn't there anymore.  So I went inside to--" 
Him: "Did you figure it out?  What was it?"

I know I have a tendency to sometimes fail to identify characters ("they," etc.), but it's frustrating because my natural dialogue style is to sometimes create suspense by letting certain details be revealed gradually, or by giving a lead-in to the story, and these apparently just frustrate him as he wants to know the who what when where why and how immediately.  Maybe it's a writer vs. engineer thing?

Oh, wow, this (the bolded) sounds like my husband and me.  We drive each other nuts!  He uses so many pronouns without making it remotely clear who the referent is and gets annoyed when I ask, "Wait, 'he' who?"  I feel like I'm trying to listen carefully and understand.  He wishes I would just wait and see if it becomes clear. 

I get your point about trying to build suspense.  But sometimes when he does that, especially if he throws in all kinds of irrelevant details and tangents before he gets to the point, I realize I have focused on the wrong things and get confused and have to ask him to start over now that I understand where this is going.  I  think that he should learn to edit his stories a bit better and not "bury his lead."  But I am also sure that I should just learn that it's not always important that I understand 100% and just let him tell his story his way.

Mental Magpie

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #52 on: June 28, 2013, 06:23:09 PM »
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

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jedikaiti

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #53 on: June 28, 2013, 06:29:38 PM »
I'm not sure if this is quite the same thing, but my husband sometimes does this thing where he drives me crazy.  He can't *stand* it when you tell a story backwards or don't immediately identify something, even if it's to improve the story.  Trying to think of an example.  I can't get away with anything like,
"So, I was about to head out to the car when I heard this sound in the bushes!  So I hurried the kids to the car so that I could come back and--" 
Him: "What was it?" 
Me: "I'm getting there!  So I came back to try to figure out what the sound was, but it wasn't there anymore.  So I went inside to--" 
Him: "Did you figure it out?  What was it?"

I know I have a tendency to sometimes fail to identify characters ("they," etc.), but it's frustrating because my natural dialogue style is to sometimes create suspense by letting certain details be revealed gradually, or by giving a lead-in to the story, and these apparently just frustrate him as he wants to know the who what when where why and how immediately.  Maybe it's a writer vs. engineer thing?

That is really annoying! I hope he's not like that during movies!
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MommyPenguin

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #54 on: June 28, 2013, 06:39:38 PM »
He actually did it when I was reading a book to the kids the other day and he was listening... somebody spoke, and you were meant to be startled by the line of dialogue and wonder who said it.  *Then* the character appears.  He'd been distracted by the toddler, though, so when he asked, "Who said that?" it was partly because he just didn't know whether he'd missed a line or something.  Otherwise I thought it was pretty funny... seriously?  It's a book.  They write things that way!

Lynn2000

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #55 on: July 02, 2013, 10:48:44 AM »
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

This would totally be my mom--the one who said the wrong (but pretty close, and fairly unimportant) word. When I was younger I was a terribly bratty know-it-all and would have corrected her, but now I try to only question her if I actually don't know what she means, and if not knowing makes a difference. And then I try to do it in a straight-forward manner, like, "Was that teaPOT or teaKETTLE?" very matter-of-fact, just so we're both on the same page about what to look for. People say the wrong word all the time; it irks me when someone tries to turn a minor mistake into some kind of moral judgment.
~Lynn2000

Blondie

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #56 on: July 02, 2013, 11:32:57 AM »
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

This would totally be my mom--the one who said the wrong (but pretty close, and fairly unimportant) word. When I was younger I was a terribly bratty know-it-all and would have corrected her, but now I try to only question her if I actually don't know what she means, and if not knowing makes a difference. And then I try to do it in a straight-forward manner, like, "Was that teaPOT or teaKETTLE?" very matter-of-fact, just so we're both on the same page about what to look for. People say the wrong word all the time; it irks me when someone tries to turn a minor mistake into some kind of moral judgment.

O/T- Feel free to judge my morals- in my world teapot and teakettle are interchangeable and people avoid teakettle for sounding a bit twee... whats the difference?
"He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which." Douglas Adams

MommyPenguin

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #57 on: July 02, 2013, 11:36:48 AM »
I *think* a teakettle is what you use to boil the tea in, but a teapot can't be heated up (might be ceramic) and is just what you put the tea in after it's made, to serve it.  We generally just used the word "teapot" to mean both, though, when I was a kid.

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #58 on: July 02, 2013, 11:41:58 AM »
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

This would totally be my mom--the one who said the wrong (but pretty close, and fairly unimportant) word. When I was younger I was a terribly bratty know-it-all and would have corrected her, but now I try to only question her if I actually don't know what she means, and if not knowing makes a difference. And then I try to do it in a straight-forward manner, like, "Was that teaPOT or teaKETTLE?" very matter-of-fact, just so we're both on the same page about what to look for. People say the wrong word all the time; it irks me when someone tries to turn a minor mistake into some kind of moral judgment.

O/T- Feel free to judge my morals- in my world teapot and teakettle are interchangeable and people avoid teakettle for sounding a bit twee... whats the difference?

Its not about morals at all, its about vocabulary. A kettle is what you boil the water in and the teapot is what you make tea in and serve from.

That said, they are probably sold near each other at Walmart, so finding one would mean finding the other and the specifics are moot.

Blondie

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Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
« Reply #59 on: July 02, 2013, 11:47:44 AM »
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

This would totally be my mom--the one who said the wrong (but pretty close, and fairly unimportant) word. When I was younger I was a terribly bratty know-it-all and would have corrected her, but now I try to only question her if I actually don't know what she means, and if not knowing makes a difference. And then I try to do it in a straight-forward manner, like, "Was that teaPOT or teaKETTLE?" very matter-of-fact, just so we're both on the same page about what to look for. People say the wrong word all the time; it irks me when someone tries to turn a minor mistake into some kind of moral judgment.

O/T- Feel free to judge my morals- in my world teapot and teakettle are interchangeable and people avoid teakettle for sounding a bit twee... whats the difference?

Its not about morals at all, its about vocabulary. A kettle is what you boil the water in and the teapot is what you make tea in and serve from.

That said, they are probably sold near each other at Walmart, so finding one would mean finding the other and the specifics are moot.

Thanks :) I had always heard teapot used for both and thought kettle was just an old fashioned way of phrasing the same thing. Learn something new every day.
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