Author Topic: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5  (Read 6617 times)

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HappilyInsane

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #15 on: June 26, 2013, 11:03:54 PM »
  What I am a little stung by is that she's advertising that she is getting rid of the gifts TO the people who gave her the gifts.  That's the part that's bothering me.


While her facebook friends list may contain many of the people that gifted her these items, it may also contain friends that have admired some of these things in her home and have expressed interest in them.

WillyNilly

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #16 on: June 26, 2013, 11:11:43 PM »
I don't think she's wrong or rude to sell the stuff, but I agree with you, its quite tacky to do so on Facebook where she is friends with so many of the givers of the stuff. There are plenty of other outlets for selling stuff, she did not need to use FB. Or she could have limited the audience of her post about the sale stuff to friends only, etc.

Girly

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #17 on: June 26, 2013, 11:15:11 PM »
I think remembering who gave you which wedding presents 12 years ago is a lot to ask.

This right here.

It's not like people keep separate shelves or something for their 'stuff received as gifts'. It's quite possible she doesn't even remember she received it as a gift, goodness knows I wouldn't.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #18 on: June 26, 2013, 11:22:04 PM »
If you are talking about regular gift stuff that people give for weddings, it brings to mind household items, like blenders, irons, sheets, towels and stuff like that.  My first thought is that anything of that sort that is 12 years old has probably seen better days, so I can see getting rid of them for that reason, alone. She may be replacing them with newer items or something.  If she had a yard sale and they were being sold there would it be wrong?  They are her property, she has had and used them for 12 years, now she is recycling them by selling them. 
If you mean a set of silver and things that a person would expect to keep throughout one's life as a sort of potential heirloom item, even though they are her property, she could be a bit more discreet than Facebook.
But the bottom line is that they do belong to her and she can do as she wishes.  If you have an attachment to something, maybe you could purchase it for your own use.  Otherwise, I would just let go of the situation and move on.
I would probably be feeling a little bad about it, too, though.

This is a great point. I wouldn't be upset if she was selling, say, a toaster I'd given her. But I would be upset if it was a special set of china or glassware.

I also think she is being quite inconsiderate in selling the wedding gifts on Facebook. Even if she doesn't remember specifically which guest have which wedding gift, surely she'd have some vague idea that SOME of the items might be wedding gifts, and hence there's the chance that one of the people on her Facebook list might have given her the item?

Marbles

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #19 on: June 27, 2013, 12:42:08 AM »
I think remembering who gave you which wedding presents 12 years ago is a lot to ask.

You might be surprised. My grandma can tell you exactly who gave them what for their wedding and that was in 1946. I have a pretty good idea about the gifts that I received for my wedding a decade ago. And even those things for which I can't remember the exact giver, I know they were wedding gifts.

I think it shows a lack of grace for Cousin R to be advertising the sale of her wedding gifts in a forum where some of the givers can read about it.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #20 on: June 27, 2013, 12:50:29 AM »
Facebook is not exactly known for being a great place to sell things.  I don't think she should be using a social network to sell her cast offs.  Usually people have a garage sale or use Craigslist to avoid the socail pitfalls of offloading your old stuff.

MariaE

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #21 on: June 27, 2013, 12:59:14 AM »
I think remembering who gave you which wedding presents 12 years ago is a lot to ask.

You might be surprised. My grandma can tell you exactly who gave them what for their wedding and that was in 1946. I have a pretty good idea about the gifts that I received for my wedding a decade ago. And even those things for which I can't remember the exact giver, I know they were wedding gifts.

Some people might be able to remember, other people wouldn't. I got married 10 years ago, and I only remember a handful or so. Why not be charitable and assume she doesn't remember?
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #22 on: June 27, 2013, 01:06:42 AM »
I would be a bit hurt too.  She has every right to do what she wants with the gift, but by selling it on FB, she is asking some of the same people that bought these items to buy them back.  She definitely could have done it more discreetly, like ebay or craigs list without announcing it to friends and family.

But...in her defense, she is probably not thinking of the people who bought these gifts, but she sees  these items as a reminder of the past and wants to move forward.  When I left my ex, I took what my family had given and left what his family had given (other than baby items for DD).  Even though some of the things were items I used more than him, I just did not want them. 

Miss Tickle

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #23 on: June 27, 2013, 01:12:43 AM »
I think remembering who gave you which wedding presents 12 years ago is a lot to ask.

This right here.

It's not like people keep separate shelves or something for their 'stuff received as gifts'. It's quite possible she doesn't even remember she received it as a gift, goodness knows I wouldn't.

I think the point here is that GreenEyedHawk remembers all the gifts given at this wedding 12 years ago.

If your gift matters that much to you, make her an offer on facebook. "Hey cuz, How much do you want for the wedding present I gave you?" She'll probably give it back to if you make it clear you are offended.

Or drop it, because, yeah, overreacting.

Facebook is not exactly known for being a great place to sell things.  I don't think she should be using a social network to sell her cast offs.  Usually people have a garage sale or use Craigslist to avoid the socail pitfalls of offloading your old stuff.

I'm sure if she had a garage sale she'd invite the same family. They'd get the hands-on experience then, I suppose.

Marbles

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #24 on: June 27, 2013, 01:31:07 AM »
I think remembering who gave you which wedding presents 12 years ago is a lot to ask.

You might be surprised. My grandma can tell you exactly who gave them what for their wedding and that was in 1946. I have a pretty good idea about the gifts that I received for my wedding a decade ago. And even those things for which I can't remember the exact giver, I know they were wedding gifts.

Some people might be able to remember, other people wouldn't. I got married 10 years ago, and I only remember a handful or so. Why not be charitable and assume she doesn't remember?
Sure she might not remember. I was responding to the notion that it was a lot to ask that someone would remember the gifts they receive. I don't appreciate being called uncharitable for sharing my experience.

The gift was special enough that the giver remembers it a dozen years down the line. I hope Cousin R remembers it was a gift, even if she can't remember the giver. In a case where one is unsure, I think it pays to be conservative in posting the listing broadly.

MariaE

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #25 on: June 27, 2013, 02:50:00 AM »
I think remembering who gave you which wedding presents 12 years ago is a lot to ask.

You might be surprised. My grandma can tell you exactly who gave them what for their wedding and that was in 1946. I have a pretty good idea about the gifts that I received for my wedding a decade ago. And even those things for which I can't remember the exact giver, I know they were wedding gifts.

Some people might be able to remember, other people wouldn't. I got married 10 years ago, and I only remember a handful or so. Why not be charitable and assume she doesn't remember?
Sure she might not remember. I was responding to the notion that it was a lot to ask that someone would remember the gifts they receive. I don't appreciate being called uncharitable for sharing my experience.

The gift was special enough that the giver remembers it a dozen years down the line. I hope Cousin R remembers it was a gift, even if she can't remember the giver. In a case where one is unsure, I think it pays to be conservative in posting the listing broadly.

I didn't mean to call you uncharitable and I'm sorry you read it that way. What I tried to say was that while some people remember, other people don't, and that in this specific example it's more charitable to assume that she doesn't remember.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

Margo

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #26 on: June 27, 2013, 04:24:13 AM »
I can understand you feeling a little offended, but I don't think she is doing anything wrong. The stuff is 12 years old, it's probably a reminder of the failed relationship. And people's tastes change. Something which was absolutely perfect and personal at the time you gave it, 12 years ago, may no longer be quite so much to her taste.

I don't think it is tacky. It isn't as if she and her husband came back from their honeymoon and immediately had a sale.


Pen^2

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #27 on: June 27, 2013, 05:07:15 AM »
I don't that she is doing something wrong.

When you give something to another person, that item becomes theirs to do with as they like. If you don't like the way they decide to use it, too bad. It's theirs, not yours. Don't give stuff to them next time if it bothers you. You don't get to dictate how people use their own things, no matter where they got them from. And a gift with strings attached isn't really a gift. As soon as it becomes theirs, it's theirs. They can re-gift, disassemble, paint it, smash it, or whatever they like. It belongs to them and people can do what they like with their own belongings. It is not automatically rude to use your own items as your own.

Selling things on Facebook always strikes me as a little tacky, but that's about it. We can all easily understand wanting to get rid of things which are linked emotionally to a part of your life you want to move on from. And for all we know, she suddenly is having trouble financially or something. Who knows.

The point is, the item is hers, and she can do whatever she likes with it. There isn't anything wrong with that.

Yentush

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #28 on: June 27, 2013, 07:08:50 AM »
You speak of sentiment, and I understand you.

However, understand her sentiments as well.  Most of the things that she is selling are sentiments from a marriage that ended unhappily.  While she must have enjoyed them when she received them, they are now bitter reminders of her failed marriage and a man she now considers a jerk.

She is purging her life and trying to start a new segment, free of bad associations.

Also, think of this scenario:  She  uses a different medium to sell the items.  You or another member of the family catch wind of it.  I promise you that there will be those who are hurt and angry that she did it "behind our back" and that she did not give us an opportunity to buy them is they so wished.

Winterlight

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Re: Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5
« Reply #29 on: June 27, 2013, 08:52:15 AM »
I think remembering who gave you which wedding presents 12 years ago is a lot to ask.

This. Heck, I can barely remember what my mom gave me at Christmas.

I'd let it go.
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