Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5

[TurtleDove]

I tend to think it is a waste of emotion to be offended by something like this.  It isn't personal.  It has nothing to do with the OP.

But people have feelings, and feelings are never "wrong".  Actions can be, but not emotions.  They're not an on/off switch.  The OP is a little offended - not raving mad.  I suspect she'll get over it soon enough and rarely think of it again.

We don't know what it is the OP got for her cousin (unless I missed that post) and how special it may be.

I didn't say the OP's feelings are "wrong."  I said I tend to think it is a waste of emotion to be offended by something like this.  I believe the OP that she is offended; I don't think it is a productive feeling that will serve her well to dwell upon.

[ladyknight1]

When did the OP say she was dwelling on being offended?

[TurtleDove]

When did the OP say she was dwelling on being offended?

She didn't.  She asked if she is overreacting and if she should do anything about this feeling and some of us think that if she acts on this feeling, yes, she is both dwelling and overreacting.

[cwm]

At my sister's wedding there was multiples of everything, some of it never got used, some of it came without tags or labels so she didn't know who things came from.

In her divorce, she got a lot of their wedding gifts because her XDH had enough stuff on his own to furnish his own place and didn't need any of it.

Since then, sis has had a child and moved several times. She's celebrated more milestones. Her wedding was less than a decade ago, and I'm sure there are some things that if I asked her where she got them she'd remember they were wedding presents and who got them for her (very high-end things with a specific pattern on them), some that she'd know were wedding gifts but not from whom (other assorted kitchen items), and some that she wouldn't know whether or not were wedding gifts or from some other occasion, whether or not she could identify the giver. There's one waffle iron she has that she insist was a wedding gift, except I specifically remember picking it out for her for Christmas one year. It makes oddly shaped waffles. She did get two identical waffle irons for her wedding, so I can see the confusion.

OP's cousin honestly may or may not remember where she got the gifts and who gave them to her. She's moving on with her life and is giving her FB friends an opportunity to buy from her anything that she's willing to part with. If there's something that another of her FB friends has been interested in for a while, she's letting everyone know that it's open market.

I see it as boiling down to this: OP remembers this gift clearly because she had a lot emotionally invested in the gift (went in with another cousin on it, it was for a wedding, it was an important thing. Cousin selling things may have less invested in it. It was one of several wedding gifts, the wedding has dissolved, depending on the gift it may be sitting around not being useful whereas the money or space obtained from selling it could be very useful.

OP, I can understand you feeling a bit hurt over this, but I wouldn't bring it up. I wouldn't dwell on it. You don't know cousin's situation fully, but I honestly don't think she means anything by it.

[EllenS]

She still can dispose of gifts, if she does it discreetly. But she's not being discreet, and that is the problem. The only problem IMO.

I agree with this.

[Girly]

She still can dispose of gifts, if she does it discreetly. But she's not being discreet, and that is the problem. The only problem IMO.

I agree with this.

I'd also agree.... but it was something from 12 years ago. Who knows if she even remembers it's a gift?

[GreenEyedHawk]

I'm not sure it's okay for you to feel "offended" because nothing being done is being done TO you, nor is it about you in any way.  But I think it's okay to feel a twinge of something.  Maybe what you're feeling has to do with the passage of time, and life changes, and how everything is disposable and/or replaceable, including marriages sometimes.  I guess I wonder if this is not actually about the items, but what they represent, to you at least.

I haven't read all the replies yet, but I wanted to address Shoo specifically.

Shoo, you brought something up that I didn't even consider.  That twinge of 'something' I think, is my own sadness over the demise of R's marriage because R, C (R's XDH) and I were a very close-knit trio.  C and I were also very close and their divorce was hard for me as well (though of course nowhere near as hard as it must have been for them) because I felt very caught in the middle...both of them were expecting me to take a side.

The loss of that relationship has been sad for me.  There are things the three of us used to do together that of course we no longer do, which I miss.  I learned some things about both of them throughout the whole process of the divorce that really disappointed me.  When I was a kid, I looked up to R a lot and respected her a lot as an adult.  During the divorce she said and did things that really made me think less of her and I felt very let down...like a kid who's had the realisation Batman is really just an actor in a rubber suit. (Though to be fair, C's hands weren't exactly clean either). She and I Haven't had the same relationship since and C and I aren't in touch at all, even though we only live a couple of blocks apart.

Maybe what's twinging me isn't the knowledge that she is selling something I went to a great deal of trouble and expense to acquire (R and C had very unique tastes and sometimes that made gift-giving a challenge)  but that I'm remembering everything that went on during the time they were separating, and I'm remembering the grief I felt over the loss of two relationships that meant a lot to me.

[lisastitch]

What I am a little stung by is that she's advertising that she is getting rid of the gifts TO the people who gave her the gifts.  That's the part that's bothering me.

I'm wondering if she may be offering them to these people because they have seen and possibly admired some of these things.  Cousin A gave her a painting that Niece B has always really liked and would love to buy.  Then she knows that these possessions are going to good homes where they will be appreciated, and where she may see them occasionally to be reminded of the good in the marriage.

My sister gave away the china from her first marriage, but before she did, she gave me a cup and saucer, and dessert plate because I collect those.  She explained that she was really glad that the set was going to someone who loved it, but it was a negative energy in her life.  However, she still thought it was beautiful and she liked knowing that a few pieces of it were going to be where she could see them if she wanted to.

[jpcher]

Given that update (I haven't read the entire thread, mostly skimmed) I do think that you are overreacting by being somewhat offended, but I do strongly believe that your overreaction is completely understandable.

Does that make sense?

You, R and C were a family. The family is torn apart by the divorce. The gift you gave them is like a child's favorite toy . . . does it live with mommy or daddy? Oh! No! It got lost in the move! What do you mean you don't have room for it any more?

I'm certainly not saying that you are child-like, but I do believe that it's the loss of the symbolism of the marriage gift that you gave to them was the final straw for you in your realization that "Hey! This is an end of an era for all of us!"



Yes, I am reiterating Shoos response in different words, and I do believe that your overreaction was completely understandable.

Take a deep breath and go the step beyond. It's not the item that matters.



(((HUGS))) loosing friends through divorce is never easy.

[Twik]

Yes, I can see how it hurts when an item that meant something to you (as well as them) is now being treated simply as something that can be cashed in for a few dollars and forgotten. My sympathies on a sad time.