Am I overreacting by being somewhat offended? Clarifications post #5

[TootsNYC]

You speak of sentiment, and I understand you.

However, understand her sentiments as well.  Most of the things that she is selling are sentiments from a marriage that ended unhappily.  While she must have enjoyed them when she received them, they are now bitter reminders of her failed marriage and a man she now considers a jerk.

She is purging her life and trying to start a new segment, free of bad associations.

Also, think of this scenario:  She  uses a different medium to sell the items.  You or another member of the family catch wind of it.  I promise you that there will be those who are hurt and angry that she did it "behind our back" and that she did not give us an opportunity to buy them is they so wished.

Or, maybe there is no emotional baggage, and it's simply that these things are in her way.

I will say that I *personally* struggle so much with excess stuff, and I *personally* feel so tremendously burdened by things that were gifts, that I *personally* would be cheering her on. (And I wouldn't buy back the gift I bought her--I don't need MORE stuff!)

[ti_ax]

I think the rule about disposing of unwanted gifts discreetly should not be in force forever. After 12 years (and a divorce), it can be relaxed a bit.

[TootsNYC]

When people defend registries for wedding gifts, they say that what they want is to please the giver above all else. Some people even say it's a bit rude to buy people something that's not on their registry, or (I've been blasted for this one:) to buy a different *version* of something that is on their registry.


But if the point of the gift is not to please the giver, then the giver really should NOT be offended if the recipient does something else with the gift. Even publicly.


That said, I think this is a bit tacky, and I know that I instinctively wouldn't do it. But yeah, I'd have a yard sale, and I'd mention it in passing to relatives & friends--I wouldn't *invite* them or ask them to patronize it, because I don't like turning friends and relatives into a source of money.

Actually, that's part of the tackiness here, to me. This isn't really much different from using Facebook to say, "Would you like to buy the vitamin supplements I'm selling?"

A general announcement is OK--being very directed toward individuals, or being very specific about the items you are selling--that's a little tacky among *friends*.

[ladyknight1]

I don't think she's wrong or rude to sell the stuff, but I agree with you, its quite tacky to do so on Facebook where she is friends with so many of the givers of the stuff. There are plenty of other outlets for selling stuff, she did not need to use FB. Or she could have limited the audience of her post about the sale stuff to friends only, etc.

This is where I fall. I would also feel hurt if something that the HC specifically requested and I procured with some effort was sold in such a tacky way.

[lowspark]

Thank you, TootsNYC.  That's what I am trying to say.  I'm not offended she is getting rid of all the stuff that was wedding gifts.  It's her stuff and she can do whatever she wants with it.  What I am a little stung by is that she's advertising that she is getting rid of the gifts TO the people who gave her the gifts.  That's the part that's bothering me.

I can totally understand her wanting rid of the stuff that reminds her of her failed marriage.  I can understand wanting to divest herself of that stuff and close the book on that chapter of her life.

I agree with the bolded. When I give someone a gift, if they want to get rid of it 5 minutes later, well, fine. But just don't rub it in my face. I've been decluttering slowly for the past ~year and a half, going through closets & drawers and getting rid of all kinds of stuff, including plenty of things that were gifts. It's taking me a long time because I'm selling whatever I can on ebay.

And yeah, some of the gifts, I do specifically remember who it was from. And I do think fondly of the person who gave it to me. But that doesn't change the fact that I simply don't want it in my home anymore. However, I would not purposely advertise the fact that I'm getting rid of it by flaunting the sale to them. I think that is hurtful.

You know, if it's a blender or a toaster, then yeah, who can remember who gave you that. If it's a special crystal bowl or a unique picture frame, for example, you're more likely to remember the giver. And the giver is also more likely to remember giving it.

I'm guessing that it's those unique items she's selling, not the more mundane ones, and thus the hurt. I don't think having a particular feeling, being hurt in this case, is an over reaction. You can't help how you feel. If you said anything to her, that might be so nice, but you are just telling us instead. You have a right to be hurt. Now you just put it behind you and move on.

[lowspark]

I forgot to say, this reminds me of an experience I had at a garage sale. We were up at the table to pay for our items and one of the garage sale sellers says to the other, about an item one of us was buying, "Hey, I gave you that!" The other seller, just shrugged and we all kinda laughed about it. I'm sure she'd forgotten who gave it to her, or didn't think about the fact that the giver was participating in the sale and would see it. It happens.

So yeah, if that giver was hurt, well, she has a right to feel however she feels. But I'm sure she got over it pretty quickly since we were all laughing about it. And the really funny thing is, my friend was buying it to give it as a gift to someone she knew that collected that particular tchotchke. Who knows if that friend kept it or decluttered it later! 

[Miss Unleaded]

I don't think she's wrong or rude to sell the stuff, but I agree with you, its quite tacky to do so on Facebook where she is friends with so many of the givers of the stuff. There are plenty of other outlets for selling stuff, she did not need to use FB. Or she could have limited the audience of her post about the sale stuff to friends only, etc.

This is where I fall. I would also feel hurt if something that the HC specifically requested and I procured with some effort was sold in such a tacky way.

Yeah, same.  I understand the OP's hurt.  But I'd try not to let it get to me; a lot of my reaction would be determined by whether this was par for the course or very out of character for the seller.

[TurtleDove]

I tend to think it is a waste of emotion to be offended by something like this.  It isn't personal.  It has nothing to do with the OP. 

[bah12]

I think your feelings are what they are and they are valid.  I can see going through a lot of trouble to get something for someone I love...something that they absolutely wanted, and cost a lot of money (I'm assuming this) and then be hurt if they gave it away or sold it later.

But...it's been 12 years.  That's a long time.  And it was given to her on her wedding day...to a man  that she is no longer with.  So, I don't think that she is communicating that your gift isn't appreciated or wasn't used and loved in the last 12 years...but that it's been used and loved and reminds her of someone that she is no longer with.  It's time for it to move on. 

That being said, while I think that it must be convenient for her to post this stuff on FB, I don't think that's the best forum to sell a lot of old stuff. 

[citadelle]

I would not worry about it at this point. It's not like she is divesting herself of the item days or even months later. It has been years! It certainly is not personal.  If you otherwise enjoy this person, I would not let this get in the way, and I definitely wouldn't say anything about it.

[Shoo]

I'm not sure it's okay for you to feel "offended" because nothing being done is being done TO you, nor is it about you in any way.  But I think it's okay to feel a twinge of something.  Maybe what you're feeling has to do with the passage of time, and life changes, and how everything is disposable and/or replaceable, including marriages sometimes.  I guess I wonder if this is not actually about the items, but what they represent, to you at least.

[DavidH]

I agree that it's kind of tacky to sell stuff exclusively to your friends on Facebook, but I don't think selling a wedding gift from a marriage 12 years ago that has since ended it something that should offend the person who gave the gift.  Perhaps there are a few things of particular sentimental value where I can understand that silver that has been handed down for generations for example, but in general I think it is an overreaction.

Tastes and times change.  For example, she may have had a contemporary home and now is moving to a more traditional style so the dishes she has used for the last 12 years are no longer what she wants.  She found that a newer food processor is more suited to her needs or that she really doesn't use it any more since she entertains less.  The camping equipment she registered for is not longer appropriate since she now prefers to vacation in cities. 

If the grandmother who remembers gifts from 77 years ago decides that she now would like a new toaster or would like to move from a peculator to a espresso machine or that the console AM radio would be better replaced with an ipod, is she now obliged to keep the originals since they were wedding gifts?

[oogyda]

Your feelings are your feelings.  Good or bad, they're there.  Don't beat yourself up for being a little offended.  It's not the feelings that matter, here, it's what you do with/about those feelings that matter. 

You've already said that it's not the purging that bothers you, it's the "how" and "to whom" that bothers you.  So, maybe you should explore her motivations.  Do you think she is intentionally trying to hurt your feelings (and those of others who are in the same position)?  Do you think she is trying to be generous in offering these things to friends first?  Do you think she's just a little clueless? 

[ettiquit]

I tend to think it is a waste of emotion to be offended by something like this.  It isn't personal.  It has nothing to do with the OP.

But people have feelings, and feelings are never "wrong".  Actions can be, but not emotions.  They're not an on/off switch.  The OP is a little offended - not raving mad.  I suspect she'll get over it soon enough and rarely think of it again.

We don't know what it is the OP got for her cousin (unless I missed that post) and how special it may be.

[TurtleDove]

I tend to think it is a waste of emotion to be offended by something like this.  It isn't personal.  It has nothing to do with the OP.

But people have feelings, and feelings are never "wrong".  Actions can be, but not emotions.  They're not an on/off switch.  The OP is a little offended - not raving mad.  I suspect she'll get over it soon enough and rarely think of it again.

We don't know what it is the OP got for her cousin (unless I missed that post) and how special it may be.

I didn't say the OP's feelings are "wrong."  I said I tend to think it is a waste of emotion to be offended by something like this.  I believe the OP that she is offended; I don't think it is a productive feeling that will serve her well to dwell upon.