Author Topic: Get over it or stand my ground? - Update post #137  (Read 17625 times)

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GSNW

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Get over it or stand my ground? - Update post #137
« on: June 29, 2013, 01:33:44 AM »
My mom asked if she could throw a birthday party for me this year.  I'll be in my hometown for my bday and I said sure, it's just a casual backyard BBQ kind of thing.  My mom is a great hostess and loves to get people together over mounds of food.  Having lived in the same area for almost 30 years, they know their neighbors, and many of these neighbors have kids near my age that I was good friends with growing up and am in touch with now etc.

My mom and I have had a bit of a disagreement over inviting one family in particular.  She wants to invite them and feels there will be hurt feelings if she doesn't.  I am friends with their youngest daughter (who lives far away) but I do NOT like the mother, at all, because of something that happened when I was 13.  She treated me terribly during an extremely traumatic incident and I have never gotten over how insignificant and awful she made me feel.  She knows what she did was wrong, and she has never had the guts to apologize to me.

I told my mom I don't want her there, my mom knows/understands why.  If my mom doesn't feel comfortable throwing a party where this couple is not included, I'd rather we just go to dinner or do something easier.  But mom seems stuck on the idea that there will be a BBQ and the guest list will include this couple (I have no problem with the dad, he's a wonderful person).

Part of me feels like I'm being a bit babyish, sort of an, "I don't liiike her!  Keep her away!" reflex.  Part of me feels like if I'm being thrown a birthday party, it's okay for me to say I don't want someone there who thinks so little of me.

If people feel that the actual incident is relevant, I'm fine retelling it, but I'm not sure if it is so I didn't include it initially. 
« Last Edit: July 02, 2013, 08:37:40 PM by GSNW »

Raintree

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2013, 01:51:05 AM »
It's a party in your honour, so I think it's wrong to invite someone who clearly makes you feel so uncomfortable. Seems to me this woman would know why she isn't invited. If it were a general family/neighbourhood BBQ, fine, I think you'd have to grin and bear it, but since it's a party for YOU, I think your mother should lay off this feeling of obligation to invite her.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2013, 01:57:18 AM »
You're not being rude at all. It's a party in your honour. You get to choose the guest list, including a right to veto any potential guests who would make you feel upset and uncomfortable.

I hope your mum realises that, and respects your wishes. But a thought occurred to me - what if your mum invites this woman behind your back? (Obviously I don't know your mum, so I don't know if she'd ever do something as awful as this, but I've been reading eHell long enough to know that anything is possible). If you think this is a possibility, I'd think of a "game plan" for handling the situation. Be it giving this woman the "cut direct" (if she shows up) or accepting her presence and treating her with cool civility, etc.

Danika

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2013, 03:25:43 AM »
I agree with the PPs' thoughts.

The point of a party is to have fun and enjoy yourself. If you'd be dreading it just because of one guest, then that person should not be on the guest list. And if the one woman's feelings are hurt for not being invited, oh well, it sounds like natural consequences.

She wants to invite them and feels there will be hurt feelings if she doesn't.

And there will be hurt feelings if she does invite the woman - yours. Your feelings are more important than anyone else's at an event that is in your honor.

lilihob

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2013, 03:29:50 AM »
Slightly appalled at your mum. If a "friend" of my mum treated me badly, she would no longer be a friend of my mum. No, she should not be invited, and if your mum feels like she should, no party, dinner instead. You have the right to be comfortable at your own birthday celebration.


PastryGoddess

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2013, 05:55:31 AM »
There is nothing to get over.  You aren't comfortable with this woman.  Your mother can hang out with her/invite her over any other time.  I would put it to her in the terms you gave us here.  Either there is a BBQ and this woman is NOT invited, there is a BBQ with this woman there and WITHOUT you there, or you go out to eat with your immediate family only and no BBQ.

Your mother can't have it both ways so you have to force her to choose.

cicero

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2013, 08:08:44 AM »
what they said.

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Queen of Clubs

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2013, 09:34:58 AM »
She wants to invite them and feels there will be hurt feelings if she doesn't.

And there will be hurt feelings if she does invite the woman - yours. Your feelings are more important than anyone else's at an event that is in your honor.

I agree with this so much.  OP, your feelings should matter so much more to your mom.

I wonder if your mom is seeing this as her event (that just happens to be for your birthday), as opposed to your event (that she's throwing for you).  Since this is *your* birthday party, I think you're perfectly entitled to insist that the guests are all people *you* want to spend time with.  If your mom wants to host this woman, she can - just not in your name.

kherbert05

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2013, 09:42:21 AM »
I agree with the PPs' thoughts.

The point of a party is to have fun and enjoy yourself. If you'd be dreading it just because of one guest, then that person should not be on the guest list. And if the one woman's feelings are hurt for not being invited, oh well, it sounds like natural consequences.

She wants to invite them and feels there will be hurt feelings if she doesn't.

And there will be hurt feelings if she does invite the woman - yours. Your feelings are more important than anyone else's at an event that is in your honor.
POD - Tell your Mom I don't want awful woman at my birthday party. If she responds that awful woman's feelings will be hurt - you reply My feelings will be hurt if you invite someone with a history of being cruel to me to my birthday party. Then where you go depends on Mom's response.
Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future

TootsNYC

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #9 on: June 29, 2013, 09:42:55 AM »
Maybe you could help your mom by giving her the vocabulary to use when/if people ever say anything to her about that family not being invited.

"Oh, GSNW and them are not close anymore."
(not gramamtical, I know--sorry)


Actually, the official reason anybody was not invited to anything is, "It was a small party."

And so you might also suggest that you look over the guest list and cross a few MORE people off, simply because if your mom is "rounding up," then this omission is going to look pretty pointed to all the other people (whom she has lived among for 30 years and whom she will *still* live among).

If there's anybody else who's "borderline" in terms of whether *you* consider them to be "close," then eliminating them will camouflage the other issue. Or, will make that omission valid.


JenJay

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #10 on: June 29, 2013, 10:20:42 AM »
And there will be hurt feelings if she does invite the woman - yours. Your feelings are more important than anyone else's at an event that is in your honor.

Well put! I'd tell my mom "You can throw a BBQ without Person or you can scrap it and we'll go out for dinner. Spending my birthday with her isn't an option I'm willing to consider."

Daydream

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #11 on: June 29, 2013, 11:23:33 AM »
Your mother seems to want to throw a BBQ that has nothing to do with your birthday.  I'd tell her that's fine because of course she has that right, and it doesn't seem like you asked for a celebration anyway, but "Please do it when I'm not in town so I don't have to spend time with the Awful Woman you are determined to invite.  Let's have my visit be pleasant, please.   Or, if you absolutely need to have the BBQ with Awful Woman while I am visiting, I can find somewhere else to be during that time."  (That's if you really agree with that last part.  You might just want to visit some other time.)

I feel very strongly about people trying to force people to spend time with people were cruel or abusive toward them, especially when it's an adult who mistreated a child (no matter how old the mistreated person is now).  And, while I understand the urge as the mistreated person to try and avoid saying the truth out of "politeness," because I have done that my whole life up to this point, this is something I am now trying to change because it only protects the Awful Person and places part or all of the blame on the person they mistreated. 

So, if anyone asks about your or Awful Woman's absence, I would ask your mother to not say anything "diplomatic" like "Awful Woman and GSNW just don't get along anymore," because that's not the reality.  It's not a "two way street" and has nothing to do with any decision you made in your treatment of her.  This isn't someone who accidentally tripped and spilled something on you, or disagreed with you about what TV sitcom was best, and you stormed off in a huff and unreasonably declared you no longer wanted to have anything to do with her.  This is someone who purposefully hurt you, and you should not be held in any way responsible for that.   

If anyone is crass enough to demand an explanation for why Awful Woman was not invited to your birthday party, or is wondering why you are absent from the BBQ while you are in town, I think your mother should tell them the truth:   "Awful Woman does not like GSNW, so I did not invite her to the birthday party.  Beandip?"  or  "Awful Woman does not like GSNW, and has shown so in her mistreatment of her, but it was more important to me to have Awful Woman at my BBQ than GSNW.  Beandip?"   (This is if you're comfortable with that.)

MrTango

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #12 on: June 29, 2013, 11:24:14 AM »
And there will be hurt feelings if she does invite the woman - yours. Your feelings are more important than anyone else's at an event that is in your honor.

Well put! I'd tell my mom "You can throw a BBQ without Person or you can scrap it and we'll go out for dinner. Spending my birthday with her isn't an option I'm willing to consider."

There's a third option: If the OP's mother insists on inviting this person to the BBQ, the OP can decide not to attend.

RegionMom

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #13 on: June 29, 2013, 11:29:27 AM »
You said the friend's mom knows what she said/did when you were 13 was wrong, but she has never apologized. 
I think that is worse than an off the cuff remark that she really did not know was hurtful. 

It is your party, so have one more chat with your mom to explain, and then do what is right for you to do based on what she decides in whose hurt feelings she considers.

happy birthday!!
Fear is temporary...Regret is forever.

cwm

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #14 on: June 29, 2013, 11:31:52 AM »
First off, happy birthday!

I think you're right in standing your ground. This is an event planned to celebrate you, and you don't want to be miserable at it.

If my sister ever planned something for me and invited my dad, it would be a hands down no go for me. I wouldn't even show up. If your mom wants to invite this person, tell her in no uncertain terms that if she does, you'll be glad to make a token appearance, but you will not be staying for the whole party. It's your right to avoid people who you don't want to be around.