Author Topic: Get over it or stand my ground? - Update post #137  (Read 15491 times)

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LeveeWoman

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #30 on: June 29, 2013, 02:37:53 PM »
I disagree with the majority. Whatever happened was a long time ago. I am sure it was hurtful, and I don't mean to minimize that, but it should be easy to avoid her at the party and have a great time with everyone else. I don't see that your mom is being purposely hurtful, just maybe trying to move on from the past.

It's not up to GSNW's mother to "move on". It's up to GSNW if she wants to do so.
You beat me to it.
OK, I get it. But I still don't think the mom has negative motives. She does have a role, as an acquaintance of the woman and mom of the OP. Perhaps she is simply *hoping* that her daughter will move on.

I accept that it is a minority opinion, and just share it to present another view, not to defend it vigorously.

Edited bc I messed up the quotes.

No decent hostess or mother will force her guest of honor or daughter to be in the company of this person. If she insists on it, she's making the party about her, about what she wants.

SPuck

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #31 on: June 29, 2013, 02:49:54 PM »
Is your mother the type of woman to agree with you than go along with her original plan anyway?

doodlemor

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #32 on: June 29, 2013, 02:53:41 PM »
No decent hostess or mother will force her guest of honor or daughter to be in the company of this person. If she insists on it, she's making the party about her, about what she wants.

As usual, LeveeWoman is very wise.

GSNW

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #33 on: June 29, 2013, 02:59:12 PM »

Is it possible that your DM (and possibly even the woman herself) have no idea how seriously you viewed her actions?  Or possibly she does not agree that whatever this neighbor did was very wrong and that she feels that one incident, when weighed against thirty years of good relations, should be forgiven and forgotten after so many years have passed?  If the woman has a history of being unkind, and this was not a one-time action on her part, why is your DM continuing the friendship?


I think this is the root of the issue, and Citadelle's response is basically in line with my mom's... it's been a long time and it doesn't hurt you to be friendly/neighborly/etc.  I admit that part of me feels like this is the rational response, which is why I'm grappling with this in the first place.  My mom is much more forgiving and peace-keeping than I am.  I do not think she will invite her after agreeing not to - she wants everyone to be happy (but seems to think she knows how to achieve this instead of just listening to other people when they tell her that this might not be possible).

Here is what happened. 

I grew up in a small town.  One weeknight in the winter, I was home alone at about 8pm (my mom was due home within an hour).  I got in the shower and about two minutes later, the bathroom door closed.  I thought it was weird (if it was my mom, she would have said hello), so I got out of the shower and into a towel.  I heard light switches flicking in the hallway, and I stepped into the hallway and heard noises from my parents' room.  To get to the main part of the house I had to run PAST their room (it was dark) and into the front hall.  The front door was standing wide open and I freaked out, ran across the street to friend's house... in the snow... in my towel and nothing else. 

I rang the bell and I remember being scared out of my mind, my friend said I was a crying and whimpering mess.  She shooed me into the kitchen so we could call the police once I blurted out that someone was in my house.  Friend's mom (Mean Lady) was on the phone with a relative.  She took a good look at me and said, "I'm very busy with this phone call and I don't have time for dramatics.  Go next door."

So out the door we went, me still shoeless and in my towel, to use our other neighbor's phone (911 called, their daughter, also a friend, gave me sweats to change into and I waited there until my mom got home).  Police verified that someone had been in the house - there were large man-sized boot prints all over the tile floors in the kitchen but nothing was missing, the assumption is that after I left the guy got scared and left, too. 

My parents were very upset at how ML responded to my emergency.  They didn't socialize for a long time - probably not until I was in college.  I stayed friends with the daughter but did not go over to their house for sleepovers, dinners, anything - I flat out did not feel comfortable around the mom.  I have never discussed this with the daughter.

I think I would feel differently had she said to me at any point - "Hey, I screwed up and I'm really sorry.  That reaction was not okay," or some variation of that.  We have all done stuff that we cringed at later and realized was offensive or upsetting.  The fact that she has never taken the time to acknowledge this really gets to me.  I wasn't a dramatic or crazy kid, I had been friends with her daughter for 10 years at that point - she knew me and my family. 

In any case, I do appreciate the point that PPs have made - either my mom wants a BBQ or a birthday party, or this is an excuse for a big to-do on her part, which is fine - it's her house and I don't want to hurt her feelings either by snubbing her offer.  But I think it might be best all around if I just told her I'd rather have a quiet family dinner and she can throw the BBQ of her dreams at another time. 

sparksals

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #34 on: June 29, 2013, 03:02:41 PM »
I agree with the PPs' thoughts.

The point of a party is to have fun and enjoy yourself. If you'd be dreading it just because of one guest, then that person should not be on the guest list. And if the one woman's feelings are hurt for not being invited, oh well, it sounds like natural consequences.

She wants to invite them and feels there will be hurt feelings if she doesn't.

And there will be hurt feelings if she does invite the woman - yours. Your feelings are more important than anyone else's at an event that is in your honor.
POD - Tell your Mom I don't want awful woman at my birthday party. If she responds that awful woman's feelings will be hurt - you reply My feelings will be hurt if you invite someone with a history of being cruel to me to my birthday party. Then where you go depends on Mom's response.


Kherbert beat me to it.  Your mom seems  more worried about hurting the woman's feelings than how you were treated all those years ago and doesn't care your feelings are hurt on your birthday.  If she insists on inviting this woman, then I think you should say to cancel the party.  Period.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #35 on: June 29, 2013, 03:05:05 PM »
No decent hostess or mother will force her guest of honor or daughter to be in the company of this person. If she insists on it, she's making the party about her, about what she wants.

As usual, LeveeWoman is very wise.


Aw, shucks! Thank you, doodlemor.

sparksals

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #36 on: June 29, 2013, 03:05:49 PM »
No decent hostess or mother will force her guest of honor or daughter to be in the company of this person. If she insists on it, she's making the party about her, about what she wants.

As usual, LeveeWoman is very wise.



I have to agree on all counts!


LeveeWoman

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #37 on: June 29, 2013, 03:08:37 PM »

Is it possible that your DM (and possibly even the woman herself) have no idea how seriously you viewed her actions?  Or possibly she does not agree that whatever this neighbor did was very wrong and that she feels that one incident, when weighed against thirty years of good relations, should be forgiven and forgotten after so many years have passed?  If the woman has a history of being unkind, and this was not a one-time action on her part, why is your DM continuing the friendship?


I think this is the root of the issue, and Citadelle's response is basically in line with my mom's... it's been a long time and it doesn't hurt you to be friendly/neighborly/etc.  I admit that part of me feels like this is the rational response, which is why I'm grappling with this in the first place.  My mom is much more forgiving and peace-keeping than I am.  I do not think she will invite her after agreeing not to - she wants everyone to be happy (but seems to think she knows how to achieve this instead of just listening to other people when they tell her that this might not be possible).

Here is what happened. 

I grew up in a small town.  One weeknight in the winter, I was home alone at about 8pm (my mom was due home within an hour).  I got in the shower and about two minutes later, the bathroom door closed.  I thought it was weird (if it was my mom, she would have said hello), so I got out of the shower and into a towel.  I heard light switches flicking in the hallway, and I stepped into the hallway and heard noises from my parents' room.  To get to the main part of the house I had to run PAST their room (it was dark) and into the front hall.  The front door was standing wide open and I freaked out, ran across the street to friend's house... in the snow... in my towel and nothing else. 

I rang the bell and I remember being scared out of my mind, my friend said I was a crying and whimpering mess.  She shooed me into the kitchen so we could call the police once I blurted out that someone was in my house.  Friend's mom (Mean Lady) was on the phone with a relative.  She took a good look at me and said, "I'm very busy with this phone call and I don't have time for dramatics.  Go next door."

So out the door we went, me still shoeless and in my towel, to use our other neighbor's phone (911 called, their daughter, also a friend, gave me sweats to change into and I waited there until my mom got home).  Police verified that someone had been in the house - there were large man-sized boot prints all over the tile floors in the kitchen but nothing was missing, the assumption is that after I left the guy got scared and left, too. 

My parents were very upset at how ML responded to my emergency.  They didn't socialize for a long time - probably not until I was in college.  I stayed friends with the daughter but did not go over to their house for sleepovers, dinners, anything - I flat out did not feel comfortable around the mom.  I have never discussed this with the daughter.

I think I would feel differently had she said to me at any point - "Hey, I screwed up and I'm really sorry.  That reaction was not okay," or some variation of that.  We have all done stuff that we cringed at later and realized was offensive or upsetting.  The fact that she has never taken the time to acknowledge this really gets to me.  I wasn't a dramatic or crazy kid, I had been friends with her daughter for 10 years at that point - she knew me and my family. 

In any case, I do appreciate the point that PPs have made - either my mom wants a BBQ or a birthday party, or this is an excuse for a big to-do on her part, which is fine - it's her house and I don't want to hurt her feelings either by snubbing her offer.  But I think it might be best all around if I just told her I'd rather have a quiet family dinner and she can throw the BBQ of her dreams at another time.

I'm gob-smacked that your woman is willing to let this go, even all these years later.

ETA: I'm stepping back for a little while lest I blow my top.

sparksals

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #38 on: June 29, 2013, 03:09:37 PM »
I need a jawdrop icon after reading what happened!  That woman was HORRIBLE to you!  Absolutely HORRIBLE!  I can totally understand why you want nothing to do with her and I would also hold a lifelong forever grudge.  That woman would NEVER NEVER NEVER be in my presence in my home EVER!  I am shocked your mother is trying to get you to move on.  That woman showed her true colours with that incident and the fact she never apologized.  Shame on her!

KenveeB

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #39 on: June 29, 2013, 03:15:15 PM »
I think you need to just outright ask your mom, "Are you throwing a party for my birthday, or do you just want an excuse to throw a party?" If it's your birthday party, then you deserve to have veto rights on the guest list. If it's more important to your mom that she have a BBQ with this woman attending, then make it very clear that it's NOT your birthday party. You can have a birthday dinner instead, and then either decline to attend the BBQ entirely or attend but avoid the woman completely.

gramma dishes

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #40 on: June 29, 2013, 03:24:07 PM »
What you describe is so far worse than any situation I could have conjured up in my wildest imagination!

To dismiss your fears as being theatrical in the face of your genuine terror is just ... unbelievable!  I cannot for the life of me comprehend why on earth your Mother would want to have anything whatsoever to do with this woman!  Had anything happened to you (and even her own daughter) as the two of you were on your way to the other neighbor's house it would have been her fault. 

I can't imagine any phone call that would take precedence over a genuine emergency situation and yours certainly was that.
Good grief!   :o

delabela

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #41 on: June 29, 2013, 03:43:24 PM »
I don't think whether this person did something terrible to you really matters - we could probably argue all day about how terrible or not terrible what she did was, whether she really understood what was going on, etc.  The fundamental issue is whether or not you get to say who's invited to this bbq - since it's in your honor, I would say you do.  If your mom was just throwing a bbq, I would think it's probably best to suck it up, go, and ignore the woman (it's been quite some time and it's not like the situation where she was mean to you could reoccur at the bbq).  But since it's a party for you, your mom should respect your feelings on the situation.

sparksals

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #42 on: June 29, 2013, 04:00:21 PM »
I don't think whether this person did something terrible to you really matters - we could probably argue all day about how terrible or not terrible what she did was, whether she really understood what was going on, etc.  The fundamental issue is whether or not you get to say who's invited to this bbq - since it's in your honor, I would say you do.  If your mom was just throwing a bbq, I would think it's probably best to suck it up, go, and ignore the woman (it's been quite some time and it's not like the situation where she was mean to you could reoccur at the bbq).  But since it's a party for you, your mom should respect your feelings on the situation.


Actually, given how terrible it was, I do think it matters.  It sounds like you think what she did wasn't that bad, unless I am misunderstanding?

WillyNilly

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #43 on: June 29, 2013, 04:05:39 PM »
I think you should look your mom straight in the eye and say in a very even tone "I'm very busy with trying to enjoy my birthday and I don't have time for dramatics. Do not invite her."

Honestly I wondered what the situation was and if maybe after all these years you should let it go and just politely ignore the woman. But no, that was really, really bad. Its ok to hold this grudge.

delabela

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #44 on: June 29, 2013, 04:16:06 PM »
I don't think whether this person did something terrible to you really matters - we could probably argue all day about how terrible or not terrible what she did was, whether she really understood what was going on, etc.  The fundamental issue is whether or not you get to say who's invited to this bbq - since it's in your honor, I would say you do.  If your mom was just throwing a bbq, I would think it's probably best to suck it up, go, and ignore the woman (it's been quite some time and it's not like the situation where she was mean to you could reoccur at the bbq).  But since it's a party for you, your mom should respect your feelings on the situation.


Actually, given how terrible it was, I do think it matters.  It sounds like you think what she did wasn't that bad, unless I am misunderstanding?

I don't necessarily think it wasn't that bad, I don't have all the information - I think the situation is terrible and scary, and I'm glad the OP wasn't injured.  But I don't know if the woman didn't understand the situation, was on the phone trying to get info about a dying relative, etc.  Additionally, this woman can't do something like that to the OP again - OP is an adult now, and in no way has to rely on this woman for any kind of safety.  The woman could very well be an extremely awful person, but she could also be a fallible person who made a terrible decision. 

The OP has every right to feel how she feels, and more power to her for knowing her feelings.  OP's mom should not invite the woman to the birthday bbq.