Author Topic: Get over it or stand my ground? - Update post #137  (Read 17248 times)

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kherbert05

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #45 on: June 29, 2013, 04:19:33 PM »
I agree with the others. I can't imagine being civil to someone who did this to a family member especially a young girl who fled her house dressed in a towel. 

I know sis and I went to neighbors a couple of times we were spooked by something while home by ourselves or walking/riding in the neighborhood. We were always told that we did the right thing. We felt scared and went to adults.
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WillyNilly

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #46 on: June 29, 2013, 04:25:24 PM »
I don't think whether this person did something terrible to you really matters - we could probably argue all day about how terrible or not terrible what she did was, whether she really understood what was going on, etc.  The fundamental issue is whether or not you get to say who's invited to this bbq - since it's in your honor, I would say you do.  If your mom was just throwing a bbq, I would think it's probably best to suck it up, go, and ignore the woman (it's been quite some time and it's not like the situation where she was mean to you could reoccur at the bbq).  But since it's a party for you, your mom should respect your feelings on the situation.


Actually, given how terrible it was, I do think it matters.  It sounds like you think what she did wasn't that bad, unless I am misunderstanding?

I don't necessarily think it wasn't that bad, I don't have all the information - I think the situation is terrible and scary, and I'm glad the OP wasn't injured.  But I don't know if the woman didn't understand the situation, was on the phone trying to get info about a dying relative, etc.  Additionally, this woman can't do something like that to the OP again - OP is an adult now, and in no way has to rely on this woman for any kind of safety.  The woman could very well be an extremely awful person, but she could also be a fallible person who made a terrible decision. 

The OP has every right to feel how she feels, and more power to her for knowing her feelings.  OP's mom should not invite the woman to the birthday bbq.

^ If the woman had apologized, I would totally agree. Sometimes everyone is under stress and fails to realize whats going on outside their world for a moment. If she had later said "oh my gosh I am so sorry! I was on an important call and just totally didn't register the importance of what was going on, are you ok now?" hey it happens. but to go years - years where even the OP's parents were holding a grudge, without ever even acknowledging her behavior?  Nope, not ok in my book.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #47 on: June 29, 2013, 04:43:54 PM »
Have you and your mother had this conversation before? Or is this the first time?  If you have been in this woman's presence before, your mother may think that you can deal with her in small doses and with lots of people around.  It may not have occurred to your mother that you were putting up with ML for your her sake or for the sake of not making a scene.

I'm not saying that this woman should be invited to your birthday party, I happen to think there is a special place in hell for people like her.  However, it may not have occurred to your mother that if you had your way, you'd never see her again.  I would level with your mom.  This is your boundary, if she invites this woman to the BBQ, you won't be there. Whether you do something else for your birthday or not, If this woman is present you won't be there. Don't JADE, speak it, put it out there and then follow through.

gramma dishes

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #48 on: June 29, 2013, 05:06:50 PM »
...   Additionally, this woman can't do something like that to the OP again - OP is an adult now, and in no way has to rely on this woman for any kind of safety.  ...

Actually, none of us ever really knows when we might have to rely on a neighbor in an emergency.  Emergencies happen to full grown adults too!

But I think any woman, no matter what the conversation on the phone was about, could have delayed her conversation ten minutes ("Uh... there's an emergency here.  I'll call you back in ten minutes." *click*) so that she could to the needs of a wet, towel covered but otherwise naked - in the middle of the winter - teenage girl who was clearly terrified instead of sending her outdoors yet again, delaying notification to the police and basically insulting the OP's integrity by implying that this was all some kind of freakishly dramatic act on the part of the OP.

delabela

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #49 on: June 29, 2013, 05:22:44 PM »
...   Additionally, this woman can't do something like that to the OP again - OP is an adult now, and in no way has to rely on this woman for any kind of safety.  ...

Actually, none of us ever really knows when we might have to rely on a neighbor in an emergency.  Emergencies happen to full grown adults too!

But I think any woman, no matter what the conversation on the phone was about, could have delayed her conversation ten minutes ("Uh... there's an emergency here.  I'll call you back in ten minutes." *click*) so that she could to the needs of a wet, towel covered but otherwise naked - in the middle of the winter - teenage girl who was clearly terrified instead of sending her outdoors yet again, delaying notification to the police and basically insulting the OP's integrity by implying that this was all some kind of freakishly dramatic act on the part of the OP.

OK, sure, there could be a zombie apocalypse at the time of the bbq and the OP along with the other guests (including this woman) will have to form a ragtag band to save the earth from certain doom, but can we agree that it's unlikely that the OP will ever again be in a situation where she has to rely on a specific neighbor of her parents?  All I'm saying is that this woman is not really in a position to cause harm to her again, and that's a good thing.

I feel like people are spending time trying to convince me of how terrible this woman is - I have already said that I think what the OP went through was awful and terrible, and, at best, the woman made a freakishly bad decision.  Let's focus on the issue - whether or not the OP has a right to ask her mother not invite someone she is uncomfortable with for whatever reason to the OP's birthday bbq - and I agree she is absolutely within her rights to do that (and I hope whatever happens, OP has a wonderful and fun birthday). 

lilihob

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #50 on: June 29, 2013, 06:07:50 PM »
Tell your mum she is quite free to forgive and forget(incidentally, I am a mum,I have a mum, and we would forgive her on the 12th of never), but it is your birthday, and every time you see this person, you remember what she did. That is not how anyone should spend their birthday.
She can have barbeques with anybody at any time, but not that day. Either she spends that day with you or with her. There is no middle option. You are not being unreasonable, I am fairly confident that my family is not the only family on this board who would never forgive that woman.

Bethalize

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #51 on: June 29, 2013, 06:45:44 PM »
Woah! Okay, I was in the "Time to get over it" camp. I thought that perhaps something had happened which had genuinely traumatised the OP but that itself wasn't egregious. Now I hear the real story I say that if that happened to me as an adult I would never, ever again speak to the person who turned their back on me in my time of need. Cut direct because that person is not someone I want to associate with. I don't see that changing anything because the OP happened to be 13 at the time.

Op, I say make your stand with your mum. Point out that this woman proved then she is not the kind of person you want to associate with and proved it further by never making an effort to make the situation right, and that your mother can be friends with who you like but it is disingenuous of her to act as though you should forget this ever happened. You are not going to be around this woman.

The birthday issue is a red herring.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #52 on: June 29, 2013, 06:46:44 PM »
I can't imagine having a hysterical teen arrive at my door in a towel stating someone had broken into her home and then continued with a phone call. But it sounds like the worse that happened is the teen had to go next door to call the police. She was no longer in danger. The woman showed really really bad judgement. And she doesn't sound like a nurturing person or a person who,reacts well in crisis.

Honestly, I'd invite the husband that you like knowing idiot neighbor has to come too. No reason to punish him for marrying his crazy wife.

Bethalize

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #53 on: June 29, 2013, 06:49:11 PM »
I can't imagine having a hysterical teen arrive at my door in a towel stating someone had broken into her home and then continued with a phone call. But it sounds like the worse that happened is the teen had to go next door to call the police. She was no longer in danger.

I don't agree with your statement I'm afraid. A teenage girl in a towel is not the safest person in any environment. If the intruder had been after her specifically she would have been vulnerable and alone and easily accessible again.

Violet Devine

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #54 on: June 29, 2013, 06:57:32 PM »
Adding my voice to the chorus- stand your ground. I think it is very reasonable for you to insist your mum doesn't invite this lady.

I hope you have a lovely birthday during your visit  :)

Hmmmmm

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #55 on: June 29, 2013, 07:01:25 PM »
I can't imagine having a hysterical teen arrive at my door in a towel stating someone had broken into her home and then continued with a phone call. But it sounds like the worse that happened is the teen had to go next door to call the police. She was no longer in danger.

I don't agree with your statement I'm afraid. A teenage girl in a towel is not the safest person in any environment. If the intruder had been after her specifically she would have been vulnerable and alone and easily accessible again.

I guess I assumed that once she had entered her friends home without being accosted, she was in a safe environment. She may not have felt comfortable in public in a towel, nor, would I. But I wouldn't feel endangered anymore.

kckgirl

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #56 on: June 29, 2013, 07:03:34 PM »
Nobody would go running to their neighbor's door in nothing but a towel (especially with snow on the ground) if something wasn't seriously wrong. Mean Lady treated you badly, and I too wouldn't have anything to do with her, regardless of how long it had been. I would make my mother choose between her or me for the barbecue party, and act accordingly.
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Pen^2

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #57 on: June 29, 2013, 07:12:55 PM »
What an awful thing to have done. That really is unforgivable.

Sending a teenage girl outside in the dark, wearing only a towel and with an unknown, ill-intentioned man lurking about is incredibly cruel. I can't believe the mother in this story is so willing to forgive someone who so easily put her daughter's safety at risk.

It's not an issue of the OP feeling unsafe around this terrible woman, it's more that the OP won't be able to enjoy herself around someone who did this to her. Very, very understandably. The OP's mother is aware of this.

If the mother is having an event in the OP's honour but still invites the awful woman, then the event isn't for the OP, is it? The mother is doing something she knows will be emotionally upsetting for the OP and will mean that the OP has to spend her time either avoiding the areas where the awful woman is, or biting her lip and being miserable.

You can't force someone to move on from things. "You're old enough now, get over it." Sorry, it doesn't work like that. People have to take their own time to move on, and sometimes it just isn't possible. So although I am sure the OP could attend an event with the awful woman there and just grin and bear it, the OP is not going to enjoy herself at such an event.

It wouldn't be an event in the OP's honour, then. And if the mother doesn't want to hurt feelings, then she's forgetting the feelings of her own daughter. I would be frank with the mother: she is not planning this event for the OP, which is fine, she just needs to be honest about it. And if it isn't in the OP's honour, then the OP has no obligation to attend. I would make this very clear to the mother. Throwing an event for someone that you know they will hate isn't really in their honour, is it?

kherbert05

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #58 on: June 29, 2013, 07:17:42 PM »
I can't imagine having a hysterical teen arrive at my door in a towel stating someone had broken into her home and then continued with a phone call. But it sounds like the worse that happened is the teen had to go next door to call the police. She was no longer in danger.

I don't agree with your statement I'm afraid. A teenage girl in a towel is not the safest person in any environment. If the intruder had been after her specifically she would have been vulnerable and alone and easily accessible again.
But they had to exit that home - with the teen still barefoot and in a towel and go to another house to call the cops. THere was an intruder and it is possible that while they were going to the next house to call the cops he was out there.  But the biggest point is the woman never acknowledged she did something that hurt the OP. The Op's family should be shunning her, not inviting her over. When someone asks why the Op's family should say ML refused to help OP when our house was broken into while OP was alone.

I guess I assumed that once she had entered her friends home without being accosted, she was in a safe environment. She may not have felt comfortable in public in a towel, nor, would I. But I wouldn't feel endangered anymore.
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RegionMom

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #59 on: June 29, 2013, 10:31:08 PM »
The mom sent the teen back out the door in only a towel still.  Even if it were a prank of some sort, who tells a towel clad teen to go back out to another neighbor?
If my DD were in the same situation, I would expect a coat offered or shoes, if not a, "oh, bye phone person, gotta go, seems an emergency!  Call back in 10 cuz I may need to call 911."

But it is still the after effects of NO apology that is the problem.  We had our house broken into a few years ago and we warned the neighbors to be careful.  We look out for each other.  Not all of us are buddies, but when the power went out, we helped.  This situation was supposed to be not just a neighbor, but a friend. 

So, the trauma of a proven break-in while alone in a very vulnerable position , delayed police, toweled teen pushed out, I am surprised of the non-reaction from the adults involved. 

Some things may not be forgivable. 
 

Friend's mom (Mean Lady) was on the phone with a relative.  She took a good look at me and said, "I'm very busy with this phone call and I don't have time for dramatics.  Go next door."

So out the door we went, me still shoeless and in my towel, to use our other neighbor's phone (911 called, their daughter, also a friend, gave me sweats to change into and I waited there until my mom got home).  Police verified that someone had been in the house
Fear is temporary...Regret is forever.