Get over it or stand my ground? - Update post #137

[Harriet Jones]

While I think what this woman did was pretty horrible and she doesn't need to be invited to the party, I also think that if you're still stewing over this, you should try to let it go.  Don't let this woman take up any of the real estate in your head.  She's not worth it.

[LeveeWoman]

While I think what this woman did was pretty horrible and she doesn't need to be invited to the party, I also think that if you're still stewing over this, you should try to let it go.  Don't let this woman take up any of the real estate in your head.  She's not worth it.

Perhaps the only claim in GSNW's mind is affected when her mother tries to force her to be near this utterly nasty person.

[PastryGoddess]

While I think what this woman did was pretty horrible and she doesn't need to be invited to the party, I also think that if you're still stewing over this, you should try to let it go.  Don't let this woman take up any of the real estate in your head.  She's not worth it.

I don't think the OP is stewing at all.  I also think it's really easy to say let go, without understanding how every time she sees that woman she's taken back to a very vulnerable place in her life.  It's one thing if the OP runs into her in public.  But a BBQ is a private event and the OP should have some say in who is invited

I have someone like that in my life.  Nothing as traumatic, but it's a former teacher of mine.  Here in MD for high school you can apply to various magnet/technical  schools.  This teacher knew how badly I wanted to get into my number one choice because she was my mentor and I had talked about it with her.  We had to get recommendations from at least 2 of our current teachers.  Teachers usually handed out recommendations at the end of class.  I watched her give recommendations to several other students.  When I went to herasked when would mine be ready, she stated that she didn't think I was smart enough to attend that school and didn't feel like it was a good fit for me.  Very loudly and in front of several of my classmates.  I'm pretty sure I didn't cry, but I know I was very very upset.

It's been about 15 years since that incident and every time I see her, I'm taken back to that feeling of humiliation and betrayal.  I acknowledge her, and she is acquaintances with my aunt who is also a teacher so I see her every now and then.  If I had my choice, I'd never see her again.  I'm not stewing about it, but I don't want to be in her presence if I don't have to.

[ladyknight1]

ML's actions are of the unforgivable kind. I would never allow myself to be near her again, had this happened to me. OP, I would ask for a quiet birthday dinner to avoid seeing ML again.

I think some posters are being less than charitable to the OP.

[Harriet Jones]

While I think what this woman did was pretty horrible and she doesn't need to be invited to the party, I also think that if you're still stewing over this, you should try to let it go.  Don't let this woman take up any of the real estate in your head.  She's not worth it.

I don't think the OP is stewing at all.  I also think it's really easy to say let go, without understanding how every time she sees that woman she's taken back to a very vulnerable place in her life.  It's one thing if the OP runs into her in public.  But a BBQ is a private event and the OP should have some say in who is invited
  I'd never see her again.  I'm not stewing about it, but I don't want to be in her presence if I don't have to.

I said "if she is stewing".  I don't know that she is.  It's got to be pretty stressful for her, though, if this comes up a lot.

Edited to add- I also said there's no need to invite this woman.  And the OP doesn't have to *forget* what this woman did.

[Darcy]

There are (sadly) quite a few people who wounded me deeply at 13, and I would not take very kindly to them being invited to my own birthday party. What the OP's friends mom did would certainly get the cut direct from me forever. The OP is being generous enough with the friend's mom, and I think it perfectly acceptable to stand your ground over this.

[delabela]

ML's actions are of the unforgivable kind. I would never allow myself to be near her again, had this happened to me. OP, I would ask for a quiet birthday dinner to avoid seeing ML again.

I think some posters are being less than charitable to the OP.

I don't see any one being anything other than understanding - OP has (rightly) gotten a lot of support in her desire to not have to interact with this woman on her birthday.  A couple people have suggested this person isn't worth any mental energy on the OP's part - that's likely true, and it doesn't seem that OP is really giving much energy to the situation.  Having one's own opinion of the situation is not "uncharitable". 

[NyaChan]

OP,

...   I ended up spending the night hosting and serving that person and it was AWFUL.  ...

You are a much better person than I am, NyaChan!  There is no doubt in my mind that if my mother had pulled a stunt like that it would definitely have affected our relationship for years to come.  I might have more or less "attended" her party, but to host and serve that person?  No way in ehell would that have happened!

It did and still does affect my relationship with my parents, believe me.  They don't quite get why it would, because in their mind, they apologized for it, but the apology was too little too late, as it came only after my sister and even my toxic grandmother (I was touched that she did this) got really angry at them.  It wasn't the first or last time they did something similar either, so I when I sensed trouble in the following years, I threatened them that if they didn't stand up for me, I would stand up for myself in a manner of my own choosing, and made it clear that they weren't going to like what I chose.  TBH I wouldn't have had the guts to do anything, but as they didn't know that and were so scared that I might actually do it, they tried a little bit more on my behalf.     

[Cami]

I agree with the PPs' thoughts.

The point of a party is to have fun and enjoy yourself. If you'd be dreading it just because of one guest, then that person should not be on the guest list. And if the one woman's feelings are hurt for not being invited, oh well, it sounds like natural consequences.

She wants to invite them and feels there will be hurt feelings if she doesn't.

And there will be hurt feelings if she does invite the woman - yours. Your feelings are more important than anyone else's at an event that is in your honor.

  POD. I'd say to my mother, "Why are my feelings -- on my birthday -- less important than the feelings of a neighbor who did me wrong?"

[Jones]

At first I thought, maybe get over it? But I didn't say anything because there are some situations in which getting over it is, and should be, impossible. I'm glad I held that thought because "sending a naked teenager (I don't count a towel as clothes) into the cold, without shoes, without finding out the situation, and especially when there could be a strange man out there looking for her" is an impossible to get over action, particularly if the person who did the sending has never verbally acknowledged her wrong or apologized for it.

Stand your ground.

[Iris]

Jones has it. Some things can't be "gotten over". Some things shouldn't be. This is both. I do understand that for your mother it would be easier if she could pretend that everything is happy in her neighborhood, but I say stand your ground.

Normally I'm very much a just-get-along person and have never been known to bear a grudge longer than 5 minutes, but this woman has behaved unfathomably badly. Given that you were 13 at the time I can't conceive that there would be a backstory or a "her side" that would make sending a naked young girl back outside excusable.

[nayberry]

this is definitely a stand your ground thing,  i can't believe your mum even socialises with that woman even after several years have passed!

[LeveeWoman]

this is definitely a stand your ground thing,  i can't believe your mum even socialises with that woman even after several years have passed!

That gets to me, too. If someone  had done somthing like that to my child, I might do something that would end with my being handcuffed.

[LifeOnPluto]

At first I thought, maybe get over it? But I didn't say anything because there are some situations in which getting over it is, and should be, impossible. I'm glad I held that thought because "sending a naked teenager (I don't count a towel as clothes) into the cold, without shoes, without finding out the situation, and especially when there could be a strange man out there looking for her" is an impossible to get over action, particularly if the person who did the sending has never verbally acknowledged her wrong or apologized for it.

Stand your ground.

To me, the bolded part is the crux of it.

Ok, so maybe Neighbour Woman made a mistake and thought the OP was pulling a silly prank, or being melodramatic. But once the truth was revealed - that there WAS an intruder inside the house - she never even apologised to the OP for shooing her away! 

The most charitable explanation I can think of, was that perhaps Neighbour Woman was so ashamed and mortified that she couldn't stand to look the OP in the face and apologise? But there's also the possibility that she's simply a jerk, or is one of those people who think that adults should never have to apologise to children/teenagers?

Snarky!LifeonPluto would invite her to the party, and crack jokes in front of her about "not having time for melodramatics".
 

[Danika]

At first I thought, maybe get over it? But I didn't say anything because there are some situations in which getting over it is, and should be, impossible. I'm glad I held that thought because "sending a naked teenager (I don't count a towel as clothes) into the cold, without shoes, without finding out the situation, and especially when there could be a strange man out there looking for her" is an impossible to get over action, particularly if the person who did the sending has never verbally acknowledged her wrong or apologized for it.

Stand your ground.

To me, the bolded part is the crux of it.

Ok, so maybe Neighbour Woman made a mistake and thought the OP was pulling a silly prank, or being melodramatic. But once the truth was revealed - that there WAS an intruder inside the house - she never even apologised to the OP for shooing her away! 

The most charitable explanation I can think of, was that perhaps Neighbour Woman was so ashamed and mortified that she couldn't stand to look the OP in the face and apologise? But there's also the possibility that she's simply a jerk, or is one of those people who think that adults should never have to apologise to children/teenagers?

Snarky!LifeonPluto would invite her to the party, and crack jokes in front of her about "not having time for melodramatics".

POD

I think the lack of apology indicates to me that the woman hasn't changed. If she used to be an insensitive jerk and you had a lot of evidence that now, she is currently a nice person, then you might want her at your party, you might not. But when all the evidence has shown that she's a mean, selfish person who doesn't apologize for wrongdoing, why would you want to invite someone like that to celebrate an event with you? Why would you seek out the company of someone like that? Stand your ground.