Author Topic: Get over it or stand my ground? - Update post #137  (Read 18815 times)

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Yvaine

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #75 on: July 01, 2013, 12:30:59 AM »
But I don't know if the woman didn't understand the situation, was on the phone trying to get info about a dying relative, etc. 

Wait, when did dying get into this? Did I misread a post?

PastryGoddess

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #76 on: July 01, 2013, 01:31:25 AM »
But I don't know if the woman didn't understand the situation, was on the phone trying to get info about a dying relative, etc. 

Wait, when did dying get into this? Did I misread a post?

No you didn't misread anything.  the poster was simply thinking of reasons why this woman refused to get off the phone.  OP never said anything like this

MariaE

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #77 on: July 01, 2013, 02:13:53 AM »
But I don't know if the woman didn't understand the situation, was on the phone trying to get info about a dying relative, etc. 

Wait, when did dying get into this? Did I misread a post?

No you didn't misread anything.  the poster was simply thinking of reasons why this woman refused to get off the phone.  OP never said anything like this

And even if she had the best reason in the world, that only excuses her in the moment. It doesn't excuse her not falling all over herself to apologize afterwards. Had she done that, I'd bet we wouldn't have this thread in the first place!
 
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zyrs

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #78 on: July 01, 2013, 04:57:46 AM »
OP, Happy Birthday and I am sorry something so scary happened to you.

You mother is wrong to try to invite this woman to your birthday party.  I agree with other posters that you should give mom the choice to either have you or the ML there.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #79 on: July 01, 2013, 07:46:10 AM »
Wow.  I simply cannot imagine what your teen self felt at that time.  Hugs.

No, I would not get over this and I would stand my ground.  This woman would not be invited to my birthday party and quite frankly, I would not care who knew why or not.  I would not go out of my way to tell anyone, but if it came up, I would not just sit back and say nothing either.

Not only did she react badly to the situation, but she never apologized for her reaction either. She clearly feels she did nothing wrong.

Stamd your ground.  Woman is not invited, period.  If she is there, I don't know that I would leave right away, (because clearly everyone else invited seems to be people you do care about and might not know the situation), but I would not be there long, and suddenly, I would feel sick.  And mom would be told in no un-cerain terms that I hope she thinks it was worth it inviting this person.  Because she just destroyed the relationship that you and she have.  I would not be talking to my mother for a long, long time.

TurtleDove

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #80 on: July 01, 2013, 09:40:19 AM »
It wasn't clear to me whether the neighbor lady knew what actually happened and her role in it.  If she did, then I agree stand your ground, but I also think there is something very strange that the OP's mom would continue to socialize with this woman and not say something to her at some point over the years so that this could be addressed.  I am guessing the neighbor lady, at the time, believed the OP to be melodramatic and attention seeking, and if she never heard the truth of what happened she might still think that, hence not have any idea she hurt the OP or that her actions were so egregious.  I am actually a little more appalled at the OP's mother's decision to remain friends with this lady than I am at the lady, assuming the lady actually knows what really happened and refused to apologize when asked.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #81 on: July 01, 2013, 09:50:54 AM »
It wasn't clear to me whether the neighbor lady knew what actually happened and her role in it.  If she did, then I agree stand your ground, but I also think there is something very strange that the OP's mom would continue to socialize with this woman and not say something to her at some point over the years so that this could be addressed.  I am guessing the neighbor lady, at the time, believed the OP to be melodramatic and attention seeking, and if she never heard the truth of what happened she might still think that, hence not have any idea she hurt the OP or that her actions were so egregious.  I am actually a little more appalled at the OP's mother's decision to remain friends with this lady than I am at the lady, assuming the lady actually knows what really happened and refused to apologize when asked.

I was trying to find a way to vocalize my thoughts and you've just about done it.  I also wonder, though, if the other lady maybe actually did apologize to the OPs parents and it never got passed along to the OP like it was supposed to, meanwhile the other lady thinks she apologized so she thinks everything is OK.  Maybe that's why the OP's mom now socializes with the woman.  I can see it going something like this (shortened and direct):

(Years after the fact)
Lady: You know, I was just thinking about when your house got broken into.  I was really dismissive of OP and I'm really sorry.  I don't know why I didn't apologize before now but I want to set things right.
OP's Mom: Thank you, it really was a difficult time for OP.  I'll be sure to let her know you apologized.  Now, what about dinner next week?

Maybe OP's mom wants this to be a chance for the woman to apologize and thinks it could be a good gift.  Regardless, this is the OP's birthday and she gets to decide.  I think, OP, that you need to be direct with your mother.  "Mom, I'm still upset about how she treated me.  She never apologized and frankly I don't want anything to do with her, especially on my birthday.  Please do not invite her.  If you still want to and want to have a BBQ, don't make it about my birthday.  We'll have dinner for that instead somewhere else.  Thank you for respecting my wishes."
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TurtleDove

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #82 on: July 01, 2013, 09:58:02 AM »
To add to my earlier post, given what I've read here I seems like the neighbor lady truly does not grasp that she hurt the OP, and apparently the OP is the only person who is so offended by what the neighbor lady did.  I think this because several people who are close the the OP, including the OP's mom and the neighbor lady's daughter, remain close to the neighbor lady and no one seems to think it is a big deal except for the OP.  Apparently no one called out the neighbor lady at the time or since?  This doesn't make any sense to me unless there is massive miscommunication.  I think the OP can certainly stand her ground, but I also think the issue can and should be addressed since apparently no one is on the OP's side, which makes no sense to me.

rose red

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #83 on: July 01, 2013, 10:00:45 AM »
The OP is still friends with the daughter and husband of that house.  I assume if the woman was talking to a dying relative, her friend would have told her why her mother acted like that after it was all over.  Also, I bet the woman know the truth since her daughter would have also told her afterwards (a break in would be something I freak out to my parents about for days).  She also had years to apologize.  So I'm not even going to try to come up with scenarios of maybes and what-ifs to excuse her.  There are none. 

TurtleDove

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #84 on: July 01, 2013, 10:02:51 AM »
The OP is still friends with the daughter and husband of that house.  I assume if the woman was talking to a dying relative, her friend would have told her why her mother acted like that after it was all over.  Also, I bet the woman know the truth since her daughter would have also told her afterwards (a break in would be something I freak out to my parents about for days).  She also had years to apologize.  So I'm not even going to try to come up with scenarios of maybes and what-ifs to excuse her.  There are none.

Honestly, I am trying to excuse the behavior of OP's mom.  The only way this makes any sense to me is if no one thought the OP was truly in any danger and no one knows the OP has been upset about this for years and years.  Otherwise, I really don't understand why this wasn't addressed at the time.  And I don't understand why it isn't being addressed now.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #85 on: July 01, 2013, 10:03:37 AM »
I'm not sure where other people are getting that the OP's parents weren't bothered by this at all?  The OP says this:

Quote
My parents were very upset at how ML responded to my emergency.  They didn't socialize for a long time - probably not until I was in college.  I stayed friends with the daughter but did not go over to their house for sleepovers, dinners, anything - I flat out did not feel comfortable around the mom.  I have never discussed this with the daughter.

So it sounds like, after the incident, they went maybe 5-7 *years* without socializing with her.  It just sounds like eventually they started socializing again, and it could have been a scenario where they just stopped avoiding talking to her at neighborhood events, not that they necessarily sought her out for a friendship again.

rose red

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #86 on: July 01, 2013, 10:09:15 AM »
Actually, I don't think it matters what happened.  The OP could be mad because the woman took the last cookie.  The fact is she doesn't want anything to do with the woman, especially at her birthday party and her mother should respect that.  She is not stopping her mother from being friends or inviting her to any other event.  But this is her birthday party.  I can't imagine inviting someone the guest of honor feels that strongly about.

TurtleDove

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #87 on: July 01, 2013, 10:09:24 AM »
So it sounds like, after the incident, they went maybe 5-7 *years* without socializing with her. 

Thanks for the quote - I had forgotten the lapse in friendship for a while.  But I still don't see that the situation was every directly addressed.  I think it should be.  I am guessing the neighbor lady has no idea that incident has affected the OP how it has, especially because it seems the neighbor lady's daughter never discussed it with the OP (and therefore probably did not discuss the OP's feelings she didn't know about with her mom) and it seems neither the OP nor her parents directly addressed this either. Since the neighbor lady was never called our and "everyone" seems to be fine with her, she probably has no idea this is an issue.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #88 on: July 01, 2013, 10:26:12 AM »
So it sounds like, after the incident, they went maybe 5-7 *years* without socializing with her. 

Thanks for the quote - I had forgotten the lapse in friendship for a while.  But I still don't see that the situation was every directly addressed.  I think it should be.  I am guessing the neighbor lady has no idea that incident has affected the OP how it has, especially because it seems the neighbor lady's daughter never discussed it with the OP (and therefore probably did not discuss the OP's feelings she didn't know about with her mom) and it seems neither the OP nor her parents directly addressed this either. Since the neighbor lady was never called our and "everyone" seems to be fine with her, she probably has no idea this is an issue.

I agree with TurtleDove.  My "what-if" scenarios were just me trying to come up with a reason why this has never been addressed directly.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

lowspark

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #89 on: July 01, 2013, 10:27:53 AM »
I don't think this even falls under the category of "holding a grudge" or "staying mad for years". It's more of a case of "now that I know what kind of person you are, I want nothing to do with you."

I wouldn't want to associate with this woman at all, much less socialize with her, and even less have her as a guest at a party where I was the guest of honor.

Your mother has possibly felt pressure to just move on because the woman is part of the neighborhood social group and maybe they just run into each other too often for your mother to feel comfortable continuing to snub her after years. And that is somewhat understandable if that is the case. However, that doesn't mean you have to move on.

I think you are perfectly right to just state point blank that this woman is not welcome at any party thrown on your behalf and that while your mother can make her own decisions on whom she wishes to socialize with, she cannot make that decision for you.