Author Topic: Get over it or stand my ground? - Update post #137  (Read 19567 times)

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Yvaine

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #120 on: July 02, 2013, 02:50:49 PM »
And I think the real kicker is that she didn't apologize when she found out what actually happened. Whatever excuse she might have had in the moment, she should have at least apologized after the fact.

TurtleDove

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #121 on: July 02, 2013, 02:52:01 PM »
And I think the real kicker is that she didn't apologize when she found out what actually happened. Whatever excuse she might have had in the moment, she should have at least apologized after the fact.

This is where I am confused - we don't know that she ever was told what happened!  The OP said she never even discussed this with the daughter! 

Twik

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #122 on: July 02, 2013, 02:52:16 PM »
My feelings would not depend on the reaction of the neighborhood.

Oh, mine don't either.  The ML's actions wouldn't have been a big deal to me period.  But I am curious why the board seems to be heavily of the opinion that the ML is an awful person with serious character flaws when the people who know her in her neighborhood apparently don't feel that way.

Maybe, because the actions as described by the OP, are heartless and could, if the intruder were a different type, have led to a tragedy?

Perhaps you really wouldn't have minded being turned away from help by a supposed friend, as you were standing dripping in public wearing nothing but a towel, as a criminal rummaged through your home. Myself, I would have seen this as a case of "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Twik

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #123 on: July 02, 2013, 02:55:34 PM »
And I think the real kicker is that she didn't apologize when she found out what actually happened. Whatever excuse she might have had in the moment, she should have at least apologized after the fact.

This is where I am confused - we don't know that she ever was told what happened!  The OP said she never even discussed this with the daughter!

If she was not a good enough friend for the OP's mother to say, "Oh, remember when my daughter came to beg you for help, and you turned her away? There was a criminal intruder in our home!", then I don't see her being a good enough friend to invite to a barbeque despite your daughter's dislike.

OP, simply tell your mother that she cannot have you and this woman at the same event. If her friend's feelings are hurt, tell her that *yours* are much more hurt, and ask her to think seriously about whom she wishes to maintain a relationship with.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

LeveeWoman

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #124 on: July 02, 2013, 02:56:02 PM »
Her mother was there and knew of the situation, and refused to socialize with her for years.

Yes, which is why I can't understand why the OP's mother is now concerned that the neighborhood would be upset that ML is not invited.  And again, I didn't get the sense that ML was ever directly told that what she did had offended the OP and her family and I get the sense she didn't realize she had anything to apologize for.  The whole situation seems like a giant miscommunication and I wish it had been addressed immediately when it happened so that the OP could have gotten the apology she wanted long ago.

How could she not know what happened? She lived across the street from, and her daughter was a good friend of, GSNW. Surely she knew what happened. The cops showed up, and I'm sure their lights and sirens were used.

I cannot conceive of a mindset that will allow someone to apologize only if the victim aks for an apology or reproaches the victimizer.

TurtleDove

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #125 on: July 02, 2013, 02:56:54 PM »
My feelings would not depend on the reaction of the neighborhood.

Oh, mine don't either.  The ML's actions wouldn't have been a big deal to me period.  But I am curious why the board seems to be heavily of the opinion that the ML is an awful person with serious character flaws when the people who know her in her neighborhood apparently don't feel that way.

Oh, I would have "minded" but it wouldn't have been a big deal because I would have understood that the ML didn't grasp what was happening and it was a really weird situation.  It wouldn't have been a big deal of "ML is such a meanie" but more, "oh, I bet she didn't understand what was happening."  I would also have talked to my friend and ML (friend's mom) about it and I am guessing the years of misunderstanding would not have happened. But that's all neither here nor there.  Simply stated, I would not have taken the ML's actions personally.

Maybe, because the actions as described by the OP, are heartless and could, if the intruder were a different type, have led to a tragedy?

Perhaps you really wouldn't have minded being turned away from help by a supposed friend, as you were standing dripping in public wearing nothing but a towel, as a criminal rummaged through your home. Myself, I would have seen this as a case of "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."

TurtleDove

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #126 on: July 02, 2013, 02:58:01 PM »
And I think the real kicker is that she didn't apologize when she found out what actually happened. Whatever excuse she might have had in the moment, she should have at least apologized after the fact.

This is where I am confused - we don't know that she ever was told what happened!  The OP said she never even discussed this with the daughter!

If she was not a good enough friend for the OP's mother to say, "Oh, remember when my daughter came to beg you for help, and you turned her away? There was a criminal intruder in our home!", then I don't see her being a good enough friend to invite to a barbeque despite your daughter's dislike.

OP, simply tell your mother that she cannot have you and this woman at the same event. If her friend's feelings are hurt, tell her that *yours* are much more hurt, and ask her to think seriously about whom she wishes to maintain a relationship with.

POD to this.  I really do not understand the OP's mom's actions over time.

Twik

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #127 on: July 02, 2013, 03:11:09 PM »
TD - it sounds like she's a little like my father. My mother used to get exasperated that my father would be about to completely cut someone out of his life one day, but six months later would have conveniently forgotten what the dispute was about, and buy the person a drink. My mother's approach was to rarely get that angry, but if she was that angry, she did not consider the passage of time enough to make her change her mind about that person. If a person had seriously wronged her (or someone she was close to), she remembered, and it would have taken a lot to make her regain her faith in that person.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Yvaine

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #128 on: July 02, 2013, 03:13:38 PM »
And I think the real kicker is that she didn't apologize when she found out what actually happened. Whatever excuse she might have had in the moment, she should have at least apologized after the fact.

This is where I am confused - we don't know that she ever was told what happened!  The OP said she never even discussed this with the daughter!

If she was not a good enough friend for the OP's mother to say, "Oh, remember when my daughter came to beg you for help, and you turned her away? There was a criminal intruder in our home!", then I don't see her being a good enough friend to invite to a barbeque despite your daughter's dislike.

OP, simply tell your mother that she cannot have you and this woman at the same event. If her friend's feelings are hurt, tell her that *yours* are much more hurt, and ask her to think seriously about whom she wishes to maintain a relationship with.

POD to this.  I really do not understand the OP's mom's actions over time.

I'm not sure what you're driving at. It really feels like you're trying to go after the OP's credibility on the grounds that other people in the situation may not have acted logically. People act illogically all the time.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #129 on: July 02, 2013, 03:34:29 PM »
I don't think that is at all what TD is doing.  She doesn't understand the OP's mother's actions about being friends with the woman again, so she is questioning how much the ML actually knows about everything.  At least, that's how I read it, and I cannot speak for TurtleDove.
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Outdoor Girl

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #130 on: July 02, 2013, 03:50:13 PM »
OP, I would stand my ground on this one.

'Mom, I do not want ML at my birthday party.  Full stop.  You can either scale back the event so that her absence is less noticeable, if that bothers you, or we can cancel the whole thing and just go out for dinner.  But I will not socialize with that woman on MY birthday.'

And let your Mom know that she is welcome to invite ML over any time she likes, just not at an event in your honour.  That if the event is to honour your Mom and Dad's anniversary, for example, you would suck it up and deal.  But you are not prepared to do that for your own event.
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TurtleDove

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #131 on: July 02, 2013, 03:50:20 PM »
I don't think that is at all what TD is doing.  She doesn't understand the OP's mother's actions about being friends with the woman again, so she is questioning how much the ML actually knows about everything.  At least, that's how I read it, and I cannot speak for TurtleDove.

Yes, this exactly.  I am not questioning the OP, I am confused about how this situation was allowed to develop and fester over so many years, apparently without ever actually being addressed (and not by the OP with her friend either). If I were the OP, I would have addressed with certainly with my friend if not ML herself if it upset me.  If I were the OP's mom, I would absolutely have talked to ML and made certain my daughter (the OP) was okay and got an apology. If ML is so awful that after understanding what actually happened (I still don't see that ML really knew what happened), as the OP's mother I would certainly not consider inviting ML to a BBQ at my house ever, let alone to celebrate the OP's birthday years later.  If the ML is awful and clearly knew what happened and refused to apologize, I don't understand why the neighbors would be upset ML is not invited to the BBQ (or why the OP's mom would even consider inviting ML).  I get the sense there is a lot of assumptions that people "know" things that based on the totality of behavior I don't think can be assumed.
« Last Edit: July 02, 2013, 03:51:53 PM by TurtleDove »

Yvaine

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #132 on: July 02, 2013, 03:54:37 PM »
I don't think that is at all what TD is doing.  She doesn't understand the OP's mother's actions about being friends with the woman again, so she is questioning how much the ML actually knows about everything.  At least, that's how I read it, and I cannot speak for TurtleDove.

Yes, this exactly.  I am not questioning the OP, I am confused about how this situation was allowed to develop and fester over so many years, apparently without ever actually being addressed (and not by the OP with her friend either). If I were the OP, I would have addressed with certainly with my friend if not ML herself if it upset me.  If I were the OP's mom, I would absolutely have talked to ML and made certain my daughter (the OP) was okay and got an apology. If ML is so awful that after understanding what actually happened (I still don't see that ML really knew what happened), as the OP's mother I would certainly not consider inviting ML to a BBQ at my house ever, let alone to celebrate the OP's birthday years later.  If the ML is awful and clearly knew what happened and refused to apologize, I don't understand why the neighbors would be upset ML is not invited to the BBQ (or why the OP's mom would even consider inviting ML).  I get the sense there is a lot of assumptions that people "know" things that I based on the totality of behavior I don't think can be assumed.

I can totally see a kid not bringing it up with another kid, especially since the issue was never with the other kid, and I'm sure it created awkwardness in their friendship whether it was brought up or not.

You are not the OP's mother. The OP has stated that her mother is someone who likes to make peace with people, and that even the five years of cut direct were an exceptional action on her part. Mom evidently decided the "statute of limitations" was up and decided to make peace.

Nobody knows whether the neighbors will really be upset or not. This is all filtered through the OP's mom, who may be mistaken, letting her own dislike of conflict sway her.

TurtleDove

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #133 on: July 02, 2013, 04:03:24 PM »
My point is, I don't see anything that indicates to me that ML has any idea why or that her actions on that night so long ago were egregious or that the OP or her mom now or at any point were upset by them. I am not saying ML's acitons were not egregious.  I am saying I don't see any indication that ML knew what truly happened, knew the OP was (and is) upset, and refused to apologize.

Back to the initial question, my response to that remains the same: of course the OP does not have to attend a party where ML is and should stand her ground.  I suspect, based on what we learned (and what we didn't) in this thread, quite a few people will be puzzled.

Twik

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Re: Get over it or stand my ground?
« Reply #134 on: July 02, 2013, 04:12:58 PM »
There are people who, no matter how much damage they do, never really understand that they have done anything wrong. That's not the OP's problem.

If people are "puzzled" about why someone isn't invited to a birthday party for someone who is not their particular friend, and not even their generation, they need to start minding their own business a little bit more. (And I'm puzzled myself at how the word of who is invited to a party could spread through a neighbourhood so easily, but not that there was a break-in in an occupied house in the neighborhood. That sort of thing should be much more important to know.)
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."