Get over it or stand my ground? - Update post #137

[CakeBeret]

My point is, I don't see anything that indicates to me that ML has any idea why or that her actions on that night so long ago were egregious or that the OP or her mom now or at any point were upset by them. I am not saying ML's acitons were not egregious.  I am saying I don't see any indication that ML knew what truly happened, knew the OP was (and is) upset, and refused to apologize.

I would contend that throwing a towel-clad teenage girl out of her house, into the snow, without giving her a chance to speak is automatically egregious. Full stop. Even if she knows nothing more of what happened, she should be ashamed. Even if the OP had been, say, trying to execute a poor prank, the woman's behavior would have been (imo) inexcusable.

[Virg]

TurtleDove wrote:

"My point is, I don't see anything that indicates to me that ML has any idea why or that her actions on that night so long ago were egregious or that the OP or her mom now or at any point were upset by them. I am not saying ML's acitons were not egregious.  I am saying I don't see any indication that ML knew what truly happened, knew the OP was (and is) upset, and refused to apologize."

It doesn't matter whether she knows any of this, to be honest.  If she was unobservant enough not to notice that GSNW's mother cut her off for half a decade and made no effort to figure out why that might be, then she really doesn't have much leg to stand on in being confused now.  More to the point, it doesn't matter whether ML knows what she did wrong, because the situation is between GSNW and her mother.  Mom wants to invite someone to GSNW's party who GSNW doesn't want there, and that's the start and finish of the situation.

And lastly, I'm of the opinion that ML doesn't get a pass on what she did because it was so very egregious.  One must be pretty badly off to eject a wet, crying, barefoot, towel-clad teenager from one's house into the snow and not at least wonder what brought it to pass.  It's not rational to assume that ML had no clue that something was wrong, and although GSNW said that she didn't address it with her friend, her friend was still involved enough to know what happened.  Unless ML's DD walked GSNW to the next house and then immediately left her there, ML's DD was there when the police were called.

Virg

[GSNW]

I spoke with my mom again today.  I am really making an effort here to focus on the current situation and not bring up a lot of sludge from the past, because a conversation with my mom can easily morph into a two-hour tearful session of "I didn't do enough/the right thing" etc and me having to assure her I'm not permanently damaged as a result.  My mom is VERY prone to guilt and I have to reassure her a lot that despite having made mistakes (what parent doesn't?) I turned out well-adjusted and relatively normal.

I told her that I am not interested in making my birthday a neighborhood event, and I would really just prefer to have in-town family, my DH, and my best friend and her husband there.  I want to make this about what would be a fun birthday for me (since she asked!) and not about who I don't want to see there.  This approach worked and my mom asked if she could plan a "surprise" based on a smaller guest list/tamer party, and I said okay.

I truly believe my mom understands the fact that I don't want to socialize with ML, she just doesn't get WHY.  In her mind, the years that have gone by with no repeat mean behavior should far outweigh one mean action.  That's fine, since she has conceded that we can each make our own choices about who to socialize with.

To clarify a few points, I never discussed it with my friend (ML's daughter, let's call her Amy) but it did impact our friendship.  Amy and I were friends with a larger group of six girls in our neighborhood all within 2 years of each other.  We did everything together, had a club complete with clubhouse, rituals, etc.  Very tight.  I was so uncomfortable with ML's treatment that I stopped going to Amy's house for anything - group hang-out, dinners, sleepovers, 1:1 friendship time, anything.  I never made a big deal out of it, I just opted out. 

Amy was still welcome at our house and was there as often as the other girls.  I want to think that my mother very much understood this because she never made an issue of me not being at Amy's house.  There was no time that I ever told Amy, "Your mom was mean to me," or anything like that - but I think she got it.  So did LeeAnn, another girl in our group - it was her house that Amy and I went to as a the second choice, her parents that took me seriously, let me call the police, gave me clothes.  (LeeAnn's father is also the pastor who married DH and I, incidentally!)

I feel a little inclined to defend my mom here simply because she is my mom, but I understand how difficult it is to justify her actions.  Like I said, I wish she had validated my feelings a little more vocally but I'm glad that she was able to respect my choice regarding the party. 

[gramma dishes]

So is she going ahead with her neighborhood barbeque and ALSO planning a smaller "surprise" event for just the people you named you'd like to spend your birthday with?  If so, will you be attending the barbeque?

[TurtleDove]

OP, I am impressed with how you are handling this. I hope you enjoy your birthday!

[LifeOnPluto]

Good update OP! But for the sake of being absolutely clear where you stand, I think you should tell your mother that the surprise party must NOT include Mean Lady!

And I think you're fine in opting out of the BBQ if Mean Lady is attending.

[weeblewobble]

You handled this much more graciously than I would have, OP, because I think if my very reasonable request not to invite someone who had treated me with utter disdain and neglect to my birthday was met with silence and, "Are you really still that angry with her?"  I probably would have responded along the lines of, "Yes, I am still angry with someone who not only couldn't be bothered to help me, but literally turned me out into the cold when I was naked and defenseless and frightened.  And in the ensuing years didn't apologize or show that she has learned from her mistake."

It doesn't matter that your mother doesn't understand WHY you feel that way toward ML.  The fact is that you do.  And since the party is presumably for you, your mother needs to put you and your needs first, instead of worrying about pleasing other people.  I would not blame you if you walked out of the BBQ if you arrived to find ML there.

Seriously though, ML sounds almost criminally negligent in her treatment of you.  Had this been my mother and ML had treated me thus... being invited to a BBQ would have been the least of her concerns.

[Daydream]

I'm glad things are working out well, GSNW.  Have a happy birthday!

[Winterlight]

TD - it sounds like she's a little like my father. My mother used to get exasperated that my father would be about to completely cut someone out of his life one day, but six months later would have conveniently forgotten what the dispute was about, and buy the person a drink. My mother's approach was to rarely get that angry, but if she was that angry, she did not consider the passage of time enough to make her change her mind about that person. If a person had seriously wronged her (or someone she was close to), she remembered, and it would have taken a lot to make her regain her faith in that person.

That's how I am too. It takes a lot to get me to that point, but when I hit it- we're done. Period.

[Minmom3]

My point is, I don't see anything that indicates to me that ML has any idea why or that her actions on that night so long ago were egregious or that the OP or her mom now or at any point were upset by them. I am not saying ML's acitons were not egregious.  I am saying I don't see any indication that ML knew what truly happened, knew the OP was (and is) upset, and refused to apologize.

I would contend that throwing a towel-clad teenage girl out of her house, into the snow, without giving her a chance to speak is automatically egregious. Full stop. Even if she knows nothing more of what happened, she should be ashamed. Even if the OP had been, say, trying to execute a poor prank, the woman's behavior would have been (imo) inexcusable.

Abso-damned-lutely.

[Miss Understood]

I am coming late to this discussion, but I agree with Turtledove that there is a significant disconnect between OP’s perception of the situation and ML’s, not to mention OP’s own parents and the neighborhood in general.

I went back to the original post about what happened, and OP stated:
” I rang the bell and I remember being scared out of my mind, my friend said I was a crying and whimpering mess. She shooed me into the kitchen so we could call the police once I blurted out that someone was in my house. Friend's mom (Mean Lady) was on the phone with a relative. She took a good look at me and said, 'I'm very busy with this phone call and I don't have time for dramatics. Go next door.'

So out the door we went, me still shoeless and in my towel, to use our other neighbor's phone (911 called, their daughter, also a friend, gave me sweats to change into and I waited there until my mom got home).”

Is there a possibility, OP, that ML (and your parents) think that what she was saying was “go next door if you need to use the phone”?  You were already in her kitchen and she was not “throwing you out naked in the snow” as so many other posters have stated.  She may have thought that if you needed the phone nownownow that you would put on her daughter’s clothes/shoes before going to the second neighbor’s house (as you did at the second neighbor’s house). 

I am in no way sympathizing with ML – if I had been in her place, with a scared crying child in front of me, I would have ended my phone call and figured out what was wrong, called police, gotten her dressed and comforted, and made cocoa.  I’m just hypothesizing about why there is such a disparate view of what happened between OP and everyone else involved.

[lorelai]

I'm happy this situation is resolved for you, GSNW. Part of me is peeved that ML never got told off. In any case, I'm not the OP so I'm not the one that needs to come to peace with it all. I just wish OP's mom or someone, had confronted ML on her behavior.

[squeakers]

Is there a possibility, OP, that ML (and your parents) think that what she was saying was “go next door if you need to use the phone”?  You were already in her kitchen and she was not “throwing you out naked in the snow” as so many other posters have stated.  She may have thought that if you needed the phone nownownow that you would put on her daughter’s clothes/shoes before going to the second neighbor’s house (as you did at the second neighbor’s house). 

Who would think a partially naked kid (a towel is not clothes) needs to go out in the snow regardless if there was clothes in the house that could fit or not is a good idea? 

Get off the phone! Find out what was going on.  Then decide if it was a prank or an emergency.

My boys have did some eye rolling things at times.  But first I found out if it was real or for fun (fake bloody clothes and cries of zombies attacking... ketchup and "Haha, mom got scared.")

ML is not someone I would associate with since she does not seem to care about what was happening in the here and now vs a phone call (back then).

[ladyknight1]

POD Squeakers. I don't comprehend the other approach being offered by a few posters here.

[TurtleDove]

Ladynight11, some of us are saying there must be some major disconnect between the OP's perception of events and what her parents and the neighborhood understood to have happened because this was apparently never directly addressed at the time and currently it seems only the OP is upset about it. I don't think any of us are saying that what ML did, as described by the OP was appropriate. We are saying the parents' and neighborhood's actual real life response doesn't jive with the OP's perception of what happened.