IWish: I think you can put "Insensitive jerk" as #1 on your ex's list of flaws!
I also find it interesting that the person who is breaking up is always assuming that the other person is "flawed."
We all have different standards. One person's "pig sty of an apartment" may be someone else's "comfortable and laid back living space."
Wanting or not wanting children when your SO feels the opposite is incompatibility, not a flaw.
If you are breaking up with someone you are breaking up with them because they are not right for you, not because they are a flawed human being. We all have our "flaws."
I think the problem with listing specific reasons for a break up is it falls under the JADE umbrella, and opens the door to arguments: "But I can change / I don't do that / I only did that once, etc." Someone is feeling smothered? Maybe the other person is feeling neglected!
If someone possesses a major flaw that will prevent them from maintaining a successful relationship
, they most likely are in denial about it and will not thank you for enlightening them.
Telling someone their flaws are the reason for a breakup is basically saying "You aren't good enough for me."
If you tell someone you want to break up and they say "Why?", I think an honest and neutral answer would be "We aren't compatible enough."
I broke up with a guy because he was going to be spending all his time working and going to school, on an essentially nocturnal schedule. He gave no indication of how we would be able to spend any time together, or where I would fit into this new plan. So I had to be the one to say it: "This isn't going to work." He admitted that there didn't seem to be a way to maintain much of a relationship
. So it was sort of mutual but I was the one who had to force the issue. If I was more passive, I might still be in that awful non-existent "relationship
." He wasn't flawed, he just was a bad fit for me.