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Author Topic: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!  (Read 18145 times)

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HGolightly

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #45 on: July 03, 2013, 12:54:20 PM »
I admit that I was a little choosy in what kids came to the wedding. I had 2 little cousins that I was especially close to thatnI wanted there as well another cousin had a 6 month old who was still feeding that were very welcome. I did not admit the step kids of another cousin because while being older they were hellions. It was a small wedding out of town and inconvenient for babysitters but you know what? They stayed with their dad. I also had friends of DH bring their toddler who sampled the wedding cake prior to being cut. We had no idea she was coming and there were no accommodations for her or a chair. Thank goodness the owner of the facility was quick thinking and rustled up a 2nd high chair. That being said OP I like that you recognized that the toddler would not be a happy guest but a still feeding teeny one...accommodations could have been made.

Sharnita

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #46 on: July 03, 2013, 12:59:34 PM »
I think there is another issue besides OP's. People without kids read the "advertisiding" and have no reason to doubt that they are attending an adults only event.. So they might plan or even accept with that in mind. And then they show up and find out that despite the very bluntly stated "no kids" there are kids. It seems like a bait and switch for those guests.

alis

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #47 on: July 03, 2013, 12:59:45 PM »
I wouldn't have brought my children anyways. I just wish my husband's best friends were a little more open with us about our kids not being invited, rather than phone or email me every weekend asking if the baby was taking a bottle yet because it was adults only? It seems a little harsh when our other friends' kids were welcome, but ours were not. We're not coworkers or a distant cousins, my husband is the groom's best friend (? I thought ?). When my best friend got married and my child (then 1 years old) was not invited due to adult-only reception, she explained that older children would be attending along with possibly a newborn of a very close family member. That's fine. Just a bit of openness instead of leaving us guessing as to what's wrong with our kids...? If that makes sense.

Aquamarine

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #48 on: July 03, 2013, 01:00:53 PM »
I think the couple was horribly inappropriate, you either allow children below a specific age or you do not, you don't pick and choose which ones pass your own personal test of acceptance to be allowed to attend...

People pick and choose what adults to invite to weddings all the time, how are kids different? If you invite one neighbor, must you invite every neighbor? If you invite one co-worker you are close to, must you invite all 50 people in your department? Of course not. So why if you invite one kid, must you invite every kid?

When young folks get married its not uncommon for friends of the couple to still live with parents (what is the national average now, 27 years and still living with parents?) and yet its perfectly acceptable to invite some adults from a household and not all - for example to invite your 25 year old friend, but not their parents whom they live with. And I bet those parents occasionally get invited to formal events without their 25 yer old "kid". So what exactly is the difference in choosing which younger kids to invite or not invite?

It is the way I have seen it done in my circle my entire life, that's what I know and agree with.  If you pick and chose which children are good enough to attend and which are not you are going to cause offense to a lot of parents.  Isn't etiquette about not creating situations where there will be hurt feelings and a situation is treated equitably?  Adults understand that they may or may not be invited to a wedding, after all, there is a limited amount of people who can attend.  Parents may very well understand why their well behaved 4 years old was not invited yet others 4 year olds who may be holy terrors were invited.

If no children are invited at all then it's easy to turn away those who bring children at the door.  If certain children are invited it's going to be a lot more awkward to turn those away who show up with uninvited children.  Sure it can be done, but there are going to be bad feelings about it.


Last I checked, most parents are adults.  It sounds like you are advocating special treatment/status for those with kids, which to me, sounds very SS.  It is not a matter of some kids being 'good enough' or not.  It is a matter of hosts choosing who to invite to their wedding.  Period.

Of course parents are adults, I never said they weren't but there is a huge difference between an adult with no children and an adult with children.  Adults with children, also known as parents may be deeply offended if some children are invited but not theirs.

Of course it's all about who the HC couple decides to invite to their wedding but I still think you either need to include a certain age group or exclude them.  Children are not mini adults and their behavior reflects that.  If the HC wants to invite some children and not others then they should do just that, it's not my wedding and I couldn't care less what they do.  They should also be prepared to deal with bruised/ hard feelings about it.  Doesn't it just make things more simple to either have children or not have them, there will be less drama that way.  Yes, I know it would be bad manners to confront the HC about the situation but that doesn't not mean that lots of people won't do just that.

The person manning the door is there not only to bounce uninvited children but anyone else that is uninvited.  I did not mention parents as a specific group, I mentioned the UNINVITED as that specific group.
Always be polite, even to nasty people. Not because they are nice, but because you are.

LadyL

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #49 on: July 03, 2013, 01:06:56 PM »
I just wish my husband's best friends were a little more open with us about our kids not being invited, rather than phone or email me every weekend asking if the baby was taking a bottle yet because it was adults only? It seems a little harsh when our other friends' kids were welcome, but ours were not.

There is nothing wrong with how you feel but keep in mind that kids on the guest list is one of several dozen issues this couple was likely dealing with in the weeks before their wedding. If you are good friends with them, consider giving them the benefit of the doubt that this is an oversight or miscommunication, not a deliberate snub. If you hold on to your feelings, there's not much that's polite that you can do with them (my understanding is that it's rude to complain about a host's hospitality in this sort of scenario). I don't see any down side to letting it go. Hopefully this is their one and only wedding so you won't ever have to revisit the issue with them!

Also, if this was your husband's best friends wedding - how does he feel about all of it? Does he feel snubbed?


alis

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #50 on: July 03, 2013, 01:10:39 PM »
Fair enough LadyL :) They have been good friends for many years. I will chalk this up to weddings being generally overwhelming and no harm intended. My husband is more upset than I am actually.

rose red

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #51 on: July 03, 2013, 01:11:51 PM »
There were around 30 guests and 10-15 were children?  And they kept reminding you weekly about the "adults only" rule? 

When the topic of their wedding come up, I would say "I was surprised to see children there" and watch their response.  Maybe there's a good explanation.  Maybe there's not.

JoieGirl7

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #52 on: July 03, 2013, 01:15:19 PM »
Sucks, but fine, we respect their wishes despite the headache for us.


This is what really bothers me about this attitude.  The "headache" of taking care of your children has nothing at all to do with your hosts who were getting married.  It is one of the most important days of their lives and somehow, you've boiled it down to your own childcare issue.
 
Really, what this is about is people not wanting to take their kids to a sitter.  It's not really "Those kids are here, why can't mine be here as well" but more "those parents did not have to find someone to watch their children while they attended this event, why did I have to go to the trouble when they didn't?"

It's a very entitled attitude that seeks to find offense in something like this when the focus should be on celebrating someone's (hopefully) once in a lifetime event.

I raised three children and only ever took them to one wedding- their uncle's.  And they were invited and expected.  Never at any of the other weddings that I attended did I even look around to see if there were other children there and who they might be.

As an adult, I know that there are times when I must function socially as just another adult and not as a mom with an umbilical to my children on display.

I also nursed all three of kids (never used a bottle) and was still able to attend social events without my children being present or it being anyone's business how I accomplished it.

alis

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #53 on: July 03, 2013, 01:16:03 PM »
Yep there were 6 tables of adults (so around 30-40 adults) and 2 of just kids...! (around 10-15 kids). It wasn't like a random toddler roamed into a group of 100!

Curious Cat

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #54 on: July 03, 2013, 01:16:10 PM »
There were around 30 guests and 10-15 were children?  And they kept reminding you weekly about the "adults only" rule? 

When the topic of their wedding come up, I would say "I was surprised to see children there" and watch their response.  Maybe there's a good explanation.  Maybe there's not.

There doesn't have to be a "good" explanation.  For whatever reason (age/wild toddler) the OPs kids weren't invited to the wedding.  Do you really need them to spell out exactly why? Do you really want to know if they think your kids aren't well behaved? I'd graciously assume that it was an age thing and let it go.

alis

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #55 on: July 03, 2013, 01:24:21 PM »
Sucks, but fine, we respect their wishes despite the headache for us.


This is what really bothers me about this attitude.  The "headache" of taking care of your children has nothing at all to do with your hosts who were getting married.  It is one of the most important days of their lives and somehow, you've boiled it down to your own childcare issue.
 
Really, what this is about is people not wanting to take their kids to a sitter.  It's not really "Those kids are here, why can't mine be here as well" but more "those parents did not have to find someone to watch their children while they attended this event, why did I have to go to the trouble when they didn't?"

It's a very entitled attitude that seeks to find offense in something like this when the focus should be on celebrating someone's (hopefully) once in a lifetime event.

I raised three children and only ever took them to one wedding- their uncle's.  And they were invited and expected.  Never at any of the other weddings that I attended did I even look around to see if there were other children there and who they might be.

As an adult, I know that there are times when I must function socially as just another adult and not as a mom with an umbilical to my children on display.

I also nursed all three of kids (never used a bottle) and was still able to attend social events without my children being present or it being anyone's business how I accomplished it.

Excuse me, but I think you are using me as an excuse to rant about women who think the world revolves around their kids. I am not one of those women. Yes, leaving a young bottle-refuser for 12 hours is a headache, we came home at midnight to a young baby screeching down the house with his 70 year old grandfather trying to soothe him. So yes, we respect their wishes to have an adult-only reception and happily found ourselves a babysitter for the night.

I'm just genuinely surprised that my husband's best friend of 20 years made it a point over and over that his wedding was "adults only", only to find that nearly half of the guests were children. That wouldn't surprise you? It wouldn't peak your curiousity at all?

alis

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #56 on: July 03, 2013, 01:26:36 PM »
Also, I am not making this "all about my childcare issue", it is simply a matter of etiquette which this forum is for. I could come here and let you all know about the fantastic  prime rib, the lemon cake, or the funny speeches, but you would find it strange because - what does that have to do with etiquette and family and children?

Me finding some strange and being a little annoyed (in my head, because I have not said a darn thing about this out loud) does not mean I am making something "all about me".

rose red

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #57 on: July 03, 2013, 01:28:24 PM »
There were around 30 guests and 10-15 were children?  And they kept reminding you weekly about the "adults only" rule? 

When the topic of their wedding come up, I would say "I was surprised to see children there" and watch their response.  Maybe there's a good explanation.  Maybe there's not.

There doesn't have to be a "good" explanation.  For whatever reason (age/wild toddler) the OPs kids weren't invited to the wedding.  Do you really need them to spell out exactly why? Do you really want to know if they think your kids aren't well behaved? I'd graciously assume that it was an age thing and let it go.

I'm not the OP, but yes, I would want to know even if the truth hurts.  I (and the OP) have no problem if my children are not invited, but I have a problem with the "adults only" thing.  And the weekly reminders would be the straw that broke the camel's back.  I would want the truth so I can evaluate our friendship.  I can handle if they think my child is wild and they don't want him disturbing their wedding, but I don't like being lied to. 

But I'm not the OP and she may feel differently.  This is a forum and we all throw out suggestions that the OP can take or not.

nuit93

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #58 on: July 03, 2013, 01:28:42 PM »
I wouldn't have brought my children anyways. I just wish my husband's best friends were a little more open with us about our kids not being invited, rather than phone or email me every weekend asking if the baby was taking a bottle yet because it was adults only? It seems a little harsh when our other friends' kids were welcome, but ours were not. We're not coworkers or a distant cousins, my husband is the groom's best friend (? I thought ?). When my best friend got married and my child (then 1 years old) was not invited due to adult-only reception, she explained that older children would be attending along with possibly a newborn of a very close family member. That's fine. Just a bit of openness instead of leaving us guessing as to what's wrong with our kids...? If that makes sense.

How would you have reacted if they explained it was due to the age/behavior of your children?

alis

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Re: No children at wedding! Well, no children except yours!
« Reply #59 on: July 03, 2013, 01:32:11 PM »
There were around 30 guests and 10-15 were children?  And they kept reminding you weekly about the "adults only" rule? 

When the topic of their wedding come up, I would say "I was surprised to see children there" and watch their response.  Maybe there's a good explanation.  Maybe there's not.

There doesn't have to be a "good" explanation.  For whatever reason (age/wild toddler) the OPs kids weren't invited to the wedding.  Do you really need them to spell out exactly why? Do you really want to know if they think your kids aren't well behaved? I'd graciously assume that it was an age thing and let it go.

I'm not the OP, but yes, I would want to know even if the truth hurts.  I (and the OP) have no problem if my children are not invited, but I have a problem with the "adults only" thing.  And the weekly reminders would be the straw that broke the camel's back.  I would want the truth so I can evaluate our friendship.  I can handle if they think my child is wild and they don't want him disturbing their wedding, but I don't like being lied to. 

But I'm not the OP and she may feel differently.  This is a forum and we all throw out suggestions that the OP can take or not.

That's exactly it for me. If you dont' want a baby or toddler there, okay, because I know they can be quite disruptive to say the least. But don't remind me weekly about your "adults only" wedding???


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