Hostesses With The Mostest > Entertaining and Hospitality

Your gift was only $100

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baglady:

--- Quote from: mw8242 on July 18, 2013, 05:15:36 PM ---I think it's a cultural thing - and everyone is not going to agree. I personally cannot image going to a wedding and not covering my plate because I grew up with that mentality and my big extended family grew up with that mentality. I attend a lot of weddings and the last one was for a good friend of mine at a nice country club, I gave $150 and that was the norm in my circle.

Everyone has different backgrounds and different norms. Just as you(general) can't imagine paying that much to attend a wedding I(me only) can't imagine paying less, it would make me uncomfortable. Weddings are awesome and amazing things to celebrate and my friend definitely didn't have a spreadsheet out ticking off who paid "enough" and who didn't, to me it's part of the social contract I have with my family and group of friends in my region.

--- End quote ---

The bolded wording bugs me, because people shouldn't be "paying to attend a wedding." Yes, we spend money to attend -- for a gift, clothes, travel, hotel (if needed). But weddings shouldn't have a cover charge -- implied via CYP or (horrors!) assessed ahead of time. This is not what hosting is about.

WillyNilly, I think it is a lovely gesture for a guest to decide to give a generous monetary gift with the intention of helping the couple offset the cost of putting on the wedding/reception. But as you have stated, that is a call for the guests to make, not the hosts. And snubbing or berating guests after the fact for not covering their plates is the height of boorishness, IMO.

What if there is no reception? What if the bride and groom elope, or have a private ceremony at city hall? What if there is a reception but I can't attend? If I love the HC, I would still want to give them a gift to wish them well and help them start their new life together. Should I not do that because they didn't spend any money on me?

Bottom line: If you're hosting, you host the event you can afford, whether that's punch and cake, potluck, or a seven-course meal at the country club with the Manhattan String Quartet playing. If you're a guest, you give the gift you can afford and feel moved to give, whether that's a $10 kitchen utensil, a $20 gift card or a big fat check. And if the hosts have stayed within their budget and not overextended themselves with the expectation that they'll be reimbursed by the gifts, then what they *do* get is gravy.

Redneck Gravy:

Bottom line: If you're hosting, you host the event you can afford, whether that's punch and cake, potluck, or a seven-course meal at the country club with the Manhattan String Quartet playing. If you're a guest, you give the gift you can afford and feel moved to give, whether that's a $10 kitchen utensil, a $20 gift card or a big fat check. And if the hosts have stayed within their budget and not overextended themselves with the expectation that they'll be reimbursed by the gifts, then what they *do* get is gravy.

Well said baglady and I agree!

I have no issues with registries, it helps me choose something I know the HC will like.  I have a serious issue with the HC requesting "monetary gifts in lieu of traditional gifts"

miranova:
Another reason why "cover your plate" bothers me is the implication that "well, you are only covering your own cost, and if you don't you are actually costing the host money".  No.  The fact that the couple is having a wedding reception at all is what is costing them money.  A big part of those costs are fixed regardless of whether or not I attend.  The food/drinks are the only variable cost but even then, most caterers have a minimum number of people they will cook for, and the couple certainly can and should expect that a certain percentage of people that they invite will in fact show up and eat.  So to me, I look at the reception as a sunk cost for the couple.  They are paying for a reception no matter what, a few people showing up or not does not change the total bill in a significant manner.  They are paying to have the event itself, hopefully full of people they care about.  Therefore 100% of what a guest gives is adding to the couple's financial situation, not only the portion above food costs.  The reception is already paid for and done regardless and is a sunk cost.

WillyNilly:

--- Quote from: baglady on August 12, 2013, 07:37:58 PM ---...WillyNilly, I think it is a lovely gesture for a guest to decide to give a generous monetary gift with the intention of helping the couple offset the cost of putting on the wedding/reception. But as you have stated, that is a call for the guests to make, not the hosts. And snubbing or berating guests after the fact for not covering their plates is the height of boorishness, IMO.

What if there is no reception? What if the bride and groom elope, or have a private ceremony at city hall? What if there is a reception but I can't attend? If I love the HC, I would still want to give them a gift to wish them well and help them start their new life together. Should I not do that because they didn't spend any money on me?...

--- End quote ---

Well of course snubbing and/or berating someone is unacceptable. That type of behavior is on the individual and cannot be blamed on a tradition founded in generosity. No reasonable person, regardless of their stance on CYP, should ever begrudge a gift given with love and good intent.

As for the no reception part. To me, well I'd probably still give the couple $100-300 depending on relationship and how flush I was at the time. Because I'm guessing what a reception dinner should, in my head, cost, and basing my gift on that. So if I have to imagine the whole dang party, whats the difference?


--- Quote from: Idlewildstudios on July 22, 2013, 06:00:03 PM --- I don't understand how people can CYP without knowing what the catering budget is...

--- End quote ---

And that's how this ^ question gets answered. You guess. Same with the question of a poor person, or a young person just starting out on their own; to them $25 might be the highest they can even fathom to spend on a nice dinner, when they throw parties they are budgeting a few bucks per guest, etc. So to them (and therefore from them) a 25 gift is in keeping with CYP... at least it is when CYP is done right (which is to say is a totally one sided, based solely on the givers generosity, gift giving method).

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