Your gift was only $100

[blarg314]

I'm kind of laughing about this. It's just too ridiculous:

I just want to know is there any reason or dissatisfaction of Mike's and I wedding

Okay, that indicates a basic lack of logic.

Generally, people write the cheque for a wedding before actually attending the wedding. So unless they psychically knew that it wasn't going to be up to their standards and wrote the cheque accordingly, they couldn't base the amount on their satisfaction with the wedding.

That's the whole logical problem with the cover your plate logic, by the way. The couple might have spent $20 per person, or they might have spent $500. Unless the invitation includes an invoice, the couple doesn't know. Even after the wedding you don't know - maybe they got an amazing deal, or maybe they got overcharged.

And of course, you could also pro-rate your cheque based on how much you actually consumed. If you had dietary restrictions and could only eat the potatoes, then you only owe them $20 instead of $200, even for a nice meal. If it's an open bar and you're a non drinker? You should get a 50% discount.

[Bluenomi]

Sounds like the couple wanted their big fancy wedding but didn't want to pay for it and assumed all their guests would. Tough luck there, people give presents based on what they want to give and can afford not what the HC spent!

When looking at our gifts I didn't even think about how they related to what we'd paid for the reception. Or more accuratly what my parents paid.

[diesel_darlin]

Wow. I just dont understand people. When I got married, my husband and I planned the wedding that WE COULD AFFORD. (which is now being revealed that my SIL thought it was a Jerry Springer trashy wedding. LOL)

Some people gave me expensive things, some people did not. Some people gave me nothing.  Every gift was appreciated the same because I know how hard extra money is to come by. Even the people who gave nothing, as I was happy that they even came! 

I guess basically what I am trying to say is don't have a wedding you cannot afford. 

[Isometric]

If the "expectation" is to give a gift that covers your plate, about 5 of the guests at our wedding would be deemed acceptable to this bride. When we were married 2 years ago prices ranged from $90-$150pp for food&alcohol package.

There's not even a strong enough word for this type of greediness.

[Bales]

I'd want to write back and tell the bride that nothing about the wedding dissatisfied me, but her idea of a thank you note stinks.

[Rohanna]

I'll have to admit that my husband fell into a cover-your-plate thought.... after the wedding I think he was glad I kept a lot of costs down when he realized not everyone gave presents like his parents! He wasn't ungrateful but it was definately an eye-opener for him. He assumed that because his (not the least bit wealthy parents) always gave at least $100, that he could just multiply the number of guests by 50 and reach our budget. It was definately a struggle on my part to convince him that we couldn't count on *anything*, and that we shouldn't spend more than we could afford to completely "lose".

[TheaterDiva1]

...and didn't expect we had to cover that huge amount for reception as well.

Huh?  They didn't expect to pay for their own reception?  What - the fairy godmother couldn't make it?

[Twik]

I'm kind of laughing about this. It's just too ridiculous:

I just want to know is there any reason or dissatisfaction of Mike's and I wedding

That is what I'd expect a waitress to say if she didn't get tipped!

That is exactly the language that she is using, Cat Fu - as if she had been providing a service, rather than hosting a party. Very strange.

I think part of the problem is that people watch too much (ir)reality TV. They see, say, a Kardashian wedding. They think "this is how weddings are done - this is how they MUST be done". They order as fancy a wedding as possible, and expect to pay for it with the wedding gifts, which will be (in their minds) the same as what the Kardashians get. However, since their friends and relatives are not jetsetters, they instead get only ordinary working people can afford. Reality slaps the (not so) Happy Couple in the face.

I would hate to think that wedding advisers out there are telling people to expect to pay off their wedding, even make a profit, from the gifts. This is completely antithetical to true hosting.

[Thipu1]

...and didn't expect we had to cover that huge amount for reception as well.

Huh?  They didn't expect to pay for their own reception?  What - the fairy godmother couldn't make it?

This sort of attitude is nothing new.

It's been several decades but I remember the Wedding of a friend from college. 

At the reception, the groom, bride and their parents retired go a side room with all the envelopes
from the guests.  They were trying to figure out if they had received enough 'loot' to pay for the reception. 

[Twik]

Of course, *one* guest not contributing to her expectations shouldn't have thrown her wildly over budget, so I assume she's writing dozens of these notes, to most (if not all) of her guests.

[HenrysMom]

The posters that come from the "cover your plate" rule keep leaving out that one little detail: 

- How are we (the guests) supposed to know how much the "cover your plate" fee is exactly? 
- Are we supposed to pester the bride, groom, MOB, FOB, etc., to find out the name of the venue/caterer and call them to find out the exact amount, including taxes and tips?   
- If the plate amount is $XX.45, do you round the amount up or down? 
- What if it's a potluck reception at a free to members church hall? In that case, would $10-$15 be the appropriate amount to cover your plasticware and napkins?
-If you can't afford to "cover your plate," are you allowed to state that in your declination?

The whole thing boggles my mind.

 

[WillyNilly]

The posters that come from the "cover your plate" rule keep leaving out that one little detail: 

- How are we (the guests) supposed to know how much the "cover your plate" fee is exactly? 
- Are we supposed to pester the bride, groom, MOB, FOB, etc., to find out the name of the venue/caterer and call them to find out the exact amount, including taxes and tips?   
- If the plate amount is $XX.45, do you round the amount up or down? 
- What if it's a potluck reception at a free to members church hall? In that case, would $10-$15 be the appropriate amount to cover your plasticware and napkins?
-If you can't afford to "cover your plate," are you allowed to state that in your declination?

The whole thing boggles my mind.

 

Honestly this has been explained plenty of times in threads before.

It just seems like some people want to just relentlessly pick apart the "cover your plate" mentality as horrible without even bothering to try to understand its a very generous and lovely thought process.

"Cover your plate" is a mentality that a giver should have. Not the receiver. Understand that, please. It is the fundamental first and most strict rule in the whole mentality; it is the very point of the mentality, the whole darn philosophy in fact. Anyone who laments a guest not covering their plate is a gimme pig plain and simple and that has nothing to do with "cover your plate" it has to with them personally being ungrateful greedy piggies.

The idea of "cover your plate" is that a guest would think to themselves "oh how wonderful and lovely and generous for them to host us. Oh! But they are starting out their new life, they really shouldn't have gone to such expense! Here let me give as generously as I can to try to have them come out ahead at the end of the day. I want them to truly have seed money for life, not simply to have them recoup their expenses and come out the same or poorer on the other end of this wonder party."

As for figuring out how much "per plate" costs - simply put, you guess and round up. Its not an invoice situation, its a situation of the giver wanting their hosts to come out ahead. Do guests miss the mark? Of course they do, as a regular matter of course. They might not ever know it though, since its never appropriate for the receiver to be anything except grateful for whatever they receive - even if all they get is a card wishing them well. But the point of "cover your plate" is a very gracious, loving, not always possible but when it is lovely, generous mentality. It is not the awful, devious, greed, math-heavy, investigation requiring scenario so many posters on these boards like to make it out to be.

(And for the record, I would say, having lived my whole life in a "cover your plate" culture of both family and friends, and having lived in NYC, not a cheap place by any means, that $100 from a young couple just out of college would absolutely fall well within the bounds of perfectly acceptable within a 'cover your plate' culture.)

[Hmmmmm]

WillyNilly you have provided the above a few times and your explanation was the first time I understood the concept. I think it's like people like me who come from environments where no seating charts and buffet dinners are preferred. We see it as offering guests more choice in who and where they want to sit and more freedom to mill about. Also a wider selection of food choices. Others see it as horribly confusing for guests and complain of difficulty of carrying a plate of food back to their chosen seat. And if you've only attended a buffet wedding done poorly, you will never change your opinion.

Most of us only hear the cover your plate scenario when we hear stories of families opening envelopes during the reception to pay off the caterer, or a couple like in this story complaining that someone didn't give a large enough check or gave a physical gift.

I am curious about a few things if you don't mind.

Say a couple attends a wedding at a country club and they know the average cost per head is $100 so they give $200. When they arrive, they find it's caviar and Dom for cocktail hour, an 8 course dinner featuring  lobster and chateaubriand, and premium wines flowing through out. Does the couple feel badly knowing they've in no way covered the real cost if their meal?

And is the cover your plate based on the cost of the catering meal only, so say $60 person for food and $40 for open bar so an expected $100. Or is it based on the total cost of the reception(catering, band, decorations, service charges) and then divided by the total number of guests.  I am assuming the guests are not trying to cover the cost of the entire wedding.

And lastly, say a couple is invited to two weddings for brothers of friends of theirs. One brother is having a lavish affair and they figure $150 per plate so give a gift of $300. The second brother is having a modest event, so closer to $70 per plate. Would the couple feel comfortable giving one couple $300 and the other $150?

[LeveeWoman]

If I'm hosting, be it a wedding reception or a regular dinner, I'm paying for everything with no expectation of compensation. To expect someone to pay for her meal iby giving a gift is not hosting.

[Roe]

Even with WillyNilly's explanation, I still don't think "cover your plate" mentality is actually hosting esp with all of Hmmmmm's questions.  Those are fair questions.  Cover your plate just doesn't make sense to me. 

I agree with LeVeeWoman, if guests are expected to pay for their meal, then they aren't being hosted.