Your gift was only $100

[Sharnita]

The posters that come from the "cover your plate" rule keep leaving out that one little detail: 

- How are we (the guests) supposed to know how much the "cover your plate" fee is exactly? 


 

I knew someone who completely believes in this rule.  To the point where she "regrets" inviting certain people to her wedding because it cost (her parents) $100 per person yet they only gave HER $20.  Since her parents paid for her wedding, I fail to see why this would be a problem to her since she was still ahead.

Also, when SHE attends weddings she will pronounce to anyone listening that she does not buy a wedding gift until after she has attended the wedding and estimated how much was spent on her.  Only then will she decide how much to spend on the HC.

Out of curiosity, did her parents know about the $20 gift and did they take issue with it?

[Sharnita]

I don't use the "cover your plate" model.  I do get "I want to be generous with people who have been generous with me" model but I would hope people could/would take a broader approach.  Let's say I had to call Ralph to help me when my tire blew on a cold winter road a couple of winters ago.  And his wife to be has been really encouraging when I went through a tough time at at work.  I have always been able to trust them when I have shared something in confidence.  They might have a dry wedding, modestly priced food, etc but they have been extremely generous with me.  One way I might acknowledge that is with my wedding gift. If I can afford it maybe my gift is $200.

Now when I get married my reception my be more lavish because that is what I want.  Let's say Ralph and his wife attend.  Perhaps they give a gift that is $20.  Perhaps that is truly all they can afford.  Maybe the "plate" cost more than that.  They have still been generous to me in our relationship and it is possible that giving me that $20 gift is more of a financial hit to them than my $200 gift was to me.

Measuring generosity in a relationship based on a gift given in one evening seems like a really poor idea.

[miranova]

The posters that come from the "cover your plate" rule keep leaving out that one little detail: 

- How are we (the guests) supposed to know how much the "cover your plate" fee is exactly? 


 

I knew someone who completely believes in this rule.  To the point where she "regrets" inviting certain people to her wedding because it cost (her parents) $100 per person yet they only gave HER $20.  Since her parents paid for her wedding, I fail to see why this would be a problem to her since she was still ahead.

Also, when SHE attends weddings she will pronounce to anyone listening that she does not buy a wedding gift until after she has attended the wedding and estimated how much was spent on her.  Only then will she decide how much to spend on the HC.

Out of curiosity, did her parents know about the $20 gift and did they take issue with it?

I honestly don't know and didn't think to ask.  It just seemed petty the way she was remembering exactly who gave the "cheap" gifts and that she never should have invited them because they cost more than they gave.  It was literally the first time I'd heard of that mentality.  This was over 10 years ago though.

[miranova]

I don't use the "cover your plate" model.  I do get "I want to be generous with people who have been generous with me" model but I would hope people could/would take a broader approach.  Let's say I had to call Ralph to help me when my tire blew on a cold winter road a couple of winters ago.  And his wife to be has been really encouraging when I went through a tough time at at work.  I have always been able to trust them when I have shared something in confidence.  They might have a dry wedding, modestly priced food, etc but they have been extremely generous with me.  One way I might acknowledge that is with my wedding gift. If I can afford it maybe my gift is $200.

Now when I get married my reception my be more lavish because that is what I want.  Let's say Ralph and his wife attend.  Perhaps they give a gift that is $20.  Perhaps that is truly all they can afford.  Maybe the "plate" cost more than that.  They have still been generous to me in our relationship and it is possible that giving me that $20 gift is more of a financial hit to them than my $200 gift was to me.

Measuring generosity in a relationship based on a gift given in one evening seems like a really poor idea.

Completely agree.

[nuit93]

I am completely 100% opposed to the concept of covering one's plate, from the point of view of either hosts or guests. People need to give parties they can afford to give, and that includes people getting married. If you can't afford a big party, you can't afford a big party. It is not my job to help pay for your party, no matter how much I appreciate being a guest.

Because I care about you, I will buy a present, but I buy something that meets my budget, and people who live within their means get as good a gift as people who think they need huge weddings they can't afford.

See, this is what makes sense to me too.

[LeveeWoman]

Even with WillyNilly's explanation, I still don't think "cover your plate" mentality is actually hosting esp with all of Hmmmmm's questions.  Those are fair questions.  Cover your plate just doesn't make sense to me. 

I agree with LeVeeWoman, if guests are expected to pay for their meal, then they aren't being hosted. 

Then you didn't understand my explanation.

"Cover your plate" has nothing, zero, zinch, totally absolutely nothing to do with hosting. At all. If a host even breathes mention of "cover your plate" that host is a greedy gimme pig. "Cover your plate" is a mentality for guests only. And even when those exact same guests turn around and host something, they must never think in terms of "cover your plate".

I always try to cover my plate at a wedding. When I got married, I truly did not care or consider if my guests gave more or less value then what it cost me to host them. Truly I did not. Even not the guests who I know also live by the "cover your plate" mentality.

As to your questions Hmmmmm, some people take "cover your plate" to the extreme they arrive at a wedding with a blank check and write the amount in when they see the level of hosting. But for most people its more just a guess. And if they get there and see their guess was wrong, oh well so be it, the gift is what the gift is.

As far as the two very different levels of hosting, its more like, if you adjust, and not everyone does, and know your hosts paid $150 a head you might try to give $350 (cover your plate + $50 gift) and if they spent $70 a head, it'd probably be $200 ($140 + 60 gift). Me? I don't calculate anything. I assume the average cost of a wedding in my area is $100 a head give or take $15. So everyone (in my area or otherwise) gets $200-250 from me & DH (depending on how flush I am at the moment, how close I am to them, if I gave a shower gift, etc). If they spent $150 a head, oh well. If they spent $70 a head, whoo-hoo. But either way in my mind we have "covered our heads" because I have hit up the average cost.

Speaking for myself only, I understand your explanation.

I don't agree with it.

Please, do not mistake disagreement with an inability to understand.

[perpetua]

I am completely 100% opposed to the concept of covering one's plate, from the point of view of either hosts or guests. People need to give parties they can afford to give, and that includes people getting married. If you can't afford a big party, you can't afford a big party. It is not my job to help pay for your party, no matter how much I appreciate being a guest.

Because I care about you, I will buy a present, but I buy something that meets my budget, and people who live within their means get as good a gift as people who think they need huge weddings they can't afford.

See, this is what makes sense to me too.

This is what I'd do too. Likewise, guests need to give gifts that they can afford to give, and I'm not going to go into debt for someone else's wedding.

I'd look at the registry (or 'wedding list', as we call them here) and choose something that I could afford. If it was my very best friend or someone I was very close to I may go a little over budget for something special but at the end of the day, if I don't have the money for it, no amount of needing to cover my plate is going to magic that extra cash out of thin air.

I assume that the hosts are employing the same model and having the wedding they can afford. If they're not, well - that isn't my problem, I'm afraid. I've done my bit: picked something off the wedding list, which is what they asked for.

[marcel]

I must admit I'm totally baffled at how this appalling. May I ask why do you give (or do you give) wedding gifts at all?

For me the reason for wedding gifts has always been to help a new, perhaps young, but either way just starting off new family seed their life. Whether you give them financial seeds (cash), or a house ware seeds (a toaster), or culture seeds (art or a giftcard for night out), etc in the end it all boils down to the guests - the friends and family and community leaders - giving gifts specifically with the intent of getting the new family started; giving them seeds from which to start their new life and new family.

If you have no intent, to the point of being "beyond stunned" and finding it "appalling" and "far too close to begging" why give any gift at all? Why not just give a card with well wishes and be done with it? (Which perhaps is what you do... and quite honestly that's fine too.)

WillyNilly, I have bolded the sentences above, because this is exactly why I find the cover your plate mentality ridiculous. You are giving gifts for people to start out their new lives. These people have already organised the wedding party and presumably done this in such a way that it will not give them financial problems in their daily lives, so there is no reason to look at how much money they have spend.

The logic of covering your plate, to me is only saying that richer people (who can afford more expensive parties) and people who can not plan financialy deserve bigger gifts then poorer people. That is a mentality that I will never have. If I give a gift at a party, it is based on several things: My relationship to the gift recipients, the occasion, my financial situation, the gifts I can find that I want to give. It is not based on the size of the party or financial situation of the host.

[gollymolly2]

I try to "cover my plate" at weddings, but it's just a factor in how much I give. And I disagree that it's a "ridiculous" or offensive way of gift-giving. People have to figure out how much to spend on wedding gifts - if any individual person wants to make sure they're not a financial burden on the wedding couple, I don't think that's a bad thing.

Heres how it works for me - my normal gift is $200. If I'm really close/not close to the couple, I adjust. If there's something in particular I want to get them outside the $200 range, I adjust. And if I happen to know how much my plate costs, I adjust.

For example, I have a good friend who is getting married, and we've spoken a lot about the wedding, including the costs. From those conversations, I happen to know that the cost per plate is just over $200 per person. So if my boyfriend and I attend, it will cost them about $450 more than if we declined. I don't feel Obligated to cover my plate - they're the ones who chose the caterers and they're the ones who chose to invite me. And by factoring in my plate, I'm not going to say "okay, they're paying 222.50 per plate, so I will write a check for $455." But I probably will give something more than my normal $200.

[fountainof]

I use cover your plate as just a part of deciding what I will give, howover, I have a cap on the reasonableness of what you are paying per plate as 7 course meals are an extra that you don't need to provide and mostly gets thrown away.  As I mentioned, I give also based on relationship but I do consider relatives at the same level (i.e. cousin, 2nd cousin, niece, nephew, etc) when giving as well.  So I wouldn't give a cousin I liked more more money but I would maybe give a best friend more money.

When gifting it is a combination of criteria.  What I can afford is the least considered as I generally could afford more than I would gift.  So I consider - the cost of wedding, the relationship with the couple, the level of inflation since a similar family/friend event, what I gave at other weddings, what people gave me at my wedding, what people have gifted for my DD, etc...  It isn't an exact science, I try to both be fair amongst friends and not punish those who are more frugal as I don't care about the fancy carp at weddings and would be happy to attend a reception at McDonalds as much as I would a fancy wedding.  So for that reason, I have an average cover your head for the area ($100) and if you choose to serve lobster, I won't give more just because of that.  I also won't give more just because I am in a better financial situation that others.  You would think no one would expect that, but in my experience they seem to.
 

[*inviteseller]

The first time I ever heard the 'cover your plate' idea was when I started working in the wedding industry 13 years ago and to be honest, I find it tacky.  If I am invited to a wedding solely for my money, by all means, please do not send me an invoice invitation.  If you (general) want that fairy tale BWW that is on every reality TV show, by all means have it, but it is beyond classless to expect guests to pay for it.  Invitations say "request the pleasure of your company", not bring a blank check to pay the bill at the end of the night.  I have been to plenty of weddings in my adult life, some small and simple, some huge lavish affairs and each time I gave either a gift or a check (and a few times both) in keeping with my budget.  I have been generous with what I had but I will not go into debt for anyone.  If cover your plate is so common and accepted, why not have waiters just bring everyone a bill at the end of the meal?  Because it is a ridiculous notion that the guests have to pay for any party that you (general) throw. 

[miranova]

There is no way that Dh and I would give someone $450 for a wedding gift.  I'm sorry, but no.  We make decent money but I have never in my life received a gift that large and won't be giving one that large to anyone but maybe my own children when they get married.  If that ever becomes the new expectation, we will stop going to weddings.  It's all getting completely out of control.  In my lifetime, it used to be that buying someone one place setting of their wedding china was considered a nice gift (in the $40-$50 range).  And that's from one couple, not per person.  Now we have multiplied that by a factor of 10?  Sorry, that inflation is just too high.  If I'm "paying for my plate", which I don't agree with anyway, I will take myself out to a VERY nice dinner for far less than that. 

[rose red]

I usually give a gift at the shower, and $50 at the wedding.  If that's not enough then that couple can leave me off your next guest list.  Happily, I've never experienced any disdain for my gifts.

[Roe]

  If I'm "paying for my plate", which I don't agree with anyway, I will take myself out to a VERY nice dinner for far less than that.

Pod!

If guests are expected to "cover their plate"  and pay for the reception...doesn't that mean they should get some say in the type of food served?  The band? Decor? 

 

[camlan]

If the wedding present is supposed to help a couple start out on their new lift together, then it would have to do *more* than "cover the plate." If the gift covers the cost of the meal, then the newly wed couple is basically breaking even. You haven't given them a gift to help them get started. You have helped them avoid going into debt.

Back in the days when the bride's parents paid for the wedding, a gift did help the newlyweds get a start on life. But now that the newlyweds are hosting their own weddings, you'd have to double or triple the value of the gift in order to do more than just covering the cost of the wedding.

Which is one of the reasons I don't bother with the whole "cover the cost" thing. I have a set amount of money I spend on gifts for a wedding. It gets divided between the shower gift and the wedding gift. The amount can go up, if the wedding is for someone I'm really close to, but it doesn't go down. It is not the responsibility of a guest to have to worry and think about the type of reception the Happy Couple is going to have, or how much it will cost. I'm not a mind reader.