Author Topic: Your gift was only $100  (Read 15806 times)

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Twik

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #105 on: July 08, 2013, 03:29:22 PM »
I would never give any couple a lower gift than I would feel comfortable giving a family member- whether I gave someone above that amount because I could afford to. I think it would be tacky to feel that "well I'll take a free meal and some entertainment off of you, but I don't really like you enough to give you a decent gift". If I don't like you enough to be generous within my budget, then I shouldn't take advantage of your hosting.

So if my personal "minimum" for a comfortable local wedding gift in this region is around $75 then everyone gets that - and of you're someone very close to me if give more than that if I could- but I would never say "eh I don't really know/like Betty from HR very much - so I'll let her host me but I'm. Only giving her a cheap gift . I'd give her the same as I give everyone- the cost for the person to host me doesn't vary with how much they like *me* so why should my gift reflect that?

So, would this mean I would have to give exactly the same value of gift to someone who had invited me from work because, hey, they had a few extra spaces available on their list, versus my only sibling?

If a parent has, in the past, given the down-payment on a home to his/her child, does that mean that parent must give the same gift to every HC who subsequently invites them?
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Rohanna

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #106 on: July 08, 2013, 04:46:43 PM »
No, I said I wouldn't give a wedding gift that I wouldn't I've to a relative. If I wouldn't feel bad giving my sister $100, or a gift basket, or a card because that's what I liked to give or all I could afford - then I would give that to a friend or co-worker. If I could do more, then I would for my sister (and did). I would never give a small gift I'd feel cheap giving to my sister or other close friend, because if someone has offered to host me at an important life event it's really not fair to accept their generosity and take part without fulfilling what I feel is my part - to gift them with something nice - whether it's monetary, handmade or off a registry. If I really felt so "eh" about a wedding that I didn't want to give them a nice present I think it would be politer on my part to simply not go. If a "nice present" to you *is* a card and handmade soap- cool! If that's all you can afford- fine. The couple should in almost every circumstance take a gift to be meant well and given with good spirit.
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*inviteseller

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #107 on: July 08, 2013, 05:12:53 PM »
I don't use any other mathematical/friendship/family theories for gifting other than what is in my bank account and if Cousin Joe gets mad because he only received $100 from me and I should have given more because I am family or he sees I have a job or whatever misplaced idea he has, then he is welcome to give it back to me.  I am a single mother raising 2 girls on my own and if someone thinks that by inviting me, I had better be covering my plate so they can pay for their reception that I had no input in, then by all means, do not invite me.  Unfortunately, the wedding business has gotten out of hand in convincing brides they have to have the biggest and most expensive of everything and then these SS's are let down when life smacks them in the face because their guests actually have their own financial things to take care of and are not able to cough up $400 for a wedding gift.  I know very very few people who ever received more than $200 from a gifter at a wedding, and it was usually a parent or grandparent that gave that.  Whatever a person is able to give, the receiver should be grateful to get.  If you want a money making venture, have a carnival..have rides, a petting zoo, snacks, games and sell tickets. 

The last few days I have asked some friends about the cover your plate idea, and most just laughed.  My step brother, who was married a few years ago said the thought of asking his friends and family to make sure to cover their food and drink was laughable.  He said they were thrilled to throw the party and have their nearest and dearest there that it didn't matter what people gave..or in the case of Step sister and her hubby and son (who was not invited) didn't..that didn't matter to them as long as everyone ate, drink and was merry.  That is how to throw a reception!

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #108 on: July 08, 2013, 05:16:11 PM »
I have a lot of nieces & nephews - I give the exact same amount to each for their graduations, weddings, first babies. That way there here is no whispering that "Aunt Redneck loves one more than the other."  And there have been times that I have had to really scrimp to cover that amount - other times I could have given more but stuck to my original amount.   

Now if they choose to have a $20 plate or a $200 plate at their wedding reception that is on them.  They are still getting $$$ from me, period.

Here is a thought just to throw out there - at a recent wedding there was a big thank you during the toasting to the caterers who DONATED the catering of the meal.  They were old friends of the groom and donated the FOOD and their LABOR.  Now how would one backup and "cover the cost of their plate" then?   If you are of the mentality of covering your plate would you ask for a refund - I think not.

I still think it is just the entitled tackiness of today's society to question a gift that's been given. 

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #109 on: July 08, 2013, 05:17:57 PM »
"Whatever a person is able to give, the receiver should be grateful to get.  If you want a money making venture, have a carnival..have rides, a petting zoo, snacks, games and sell tickets." 

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Hmmmmm

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #110 on: July 08, 2013, 05:37:48 PM »
No, I said I wouldn't give a wedding gift that I wouldn't I've to a relative. If I wouldn't feel bad giving my sister $100, or a gift basket, or a card because that's what I liked to give or all I could afford - then I would give that to a friend or co-worker. If I could do more, then I would for my sister (and did). I would never give a small gift I'd feel cheap giving to my sister or other close friend, because if someone has offered to host me at an important life event it's really not fair to accept their generosity and take part without fulfilling what I feel is my part - to gift them with something nice - whether it's monetary, handmade or off a registry. If I really felt so "eh" about a wedding that I didn't want to give them a nice present I think it would be politer on my part to simply not go. If a "nice present" to you *is* a card and handmade soap- cool! If that's all you can afford- fine. The couple should in almost every circumstance take a gift to be meant well and given with good spirit.

I think that is the big cultural disconnect I have.

The monetary value of my gift to you has nothing to do with my feelings about you are your marriage.

This to me is the wedding guest-wedding couple social committment:
You invite me to share and witness your life long committment to another person. You thank me for being present at this important event by hosting me to a reception that follows the wedding ceremony. Whether it is a punch and cake or multi-course 6 hour reception is your call. My responsibility as a guest is to show up to the ceremony on time in appropriate dress and to truly wish the couple well. I also have the responsibility to participate in a socially accpetable manner during both the ceremony and the reception to further assure they couple has a wonderful start to their new life. I give a gift to the couple, whether I attend or not, to further wish them well and to mark the event of their marriage.

Reading posts that say something like (not saying you used this wording) "The couple is hosting me to a great event so I need to compensate them for their trouble/cost of hosting me" really bothers me.  The couple (or family member) ASKED for me to join them and to witness their unity. My gift back to them is to come and rejoice with them. I didn't ask to be invited to a party or event. If choosing to attend the event I've been invited to ends with attending and being a gracious guest.

I think it's your comment of "has offered to host me at an important life event" that bothers me most. They have ASKED you to give of your time to witness and share in an important event in THEIR lives. I am honoring them by my presence. They are not honoring me by inviting me to attend. That is why wedding invitations say "The honour of our presence is requested".... not "You are being granted the opportunity to witness the marriage of...."

elephantschild

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #111 on: July 08, 2013, 08:34:08 PM »
I think some of the issues that are creeping in about the "cover your plate" mentality ...even as a gift-givers' philosophy ... come from the fact that it's not taking place in a vacuum. I don't think you can completely divorce "gift-gifting" philosophies from "gift-getting" philosophies.

If this is a mentality that it is considered polite and proper to have (that you should try to cover your plate if invited to a celebration), then it's only natural that, over time, those inviting people to their events will come to expect that, yes, people will cover their plates. And then it's a small step to "Well, let's have a bigger wedding because people will be covering their plates anyway."

It might not even be such an egregious thing ... just "Oh, I really had my heart set on that wonderful wedding cake. It was just like I always dreamed of ... but we really can't afford it. Well ... it will get paid for with the gifts anyway ... why shouldn't we splurge just a little ..."

And then if gifts are not what the cover-your-plate standard ... conscious or not ... dictates, it could see it being disillusioning. And while politer people would think "Oh well!" or just be silently upset about it, some might lash out.  :-\
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SuperMartianRobotGirl

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #112 on: July 08, 2013, 08:44:00 PM »
Also, the gift-givers eventually become the gift-receivers, and they might assume others should follow their rule.
« Last Edit: July 09, 2013, 07:20:33 AM by SuperMartianRobotGirl »

MariaE

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #113 on: July 09, 2013, 03:47:36 AM »
I'm still amazed that $100 is considered "only"! That's more than I gave even my sisters and best friends!
 
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sammycat

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #114 on: July 09, 2013, 04:21:32 AM »
I'm still amazed that $100 is considered "only"! That's more than I gave even my sisters and best friends!

Ditto!  It seems absurd to me. It's also one of the reasons I prefer to give an actual present - no one can then know for sure how much I spent. (Or didn't spend - I'm not called the Bargain Queen for nothing).
« Last Edit: July 09, 2013, 04:23:04 AM by sammycat »

magicdomino

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #115 on: July 09, 2013, 10:29:57 AM »
I'm still amazed that $100 is considered "only"! That's more than I gave even my sisters and best friends!

Same here, except my much older siblings married when I was a child.  The last couple of nephews to get married got $50 worth of items off their registry, although I didn't go to their weddings.  My family is more or less lower middle class; $100 isn't in most people's budget.

Redwing

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #116 on: July 09, 2013, 10:51:35 AM »
I'm still amazed that $100 is considered "only"! That's more than I gave even my sisters and best friends!

Ditto!  It seems absurd to me. It's also one of the reasons I prefer to give an actual present - no one can then know for sure how much I spent. (Or didn't spend - I'm not called the Bargain Queen for nothing).


This is also me.  I have never been able to give the amount of cash that seems expected from what I read in this thread.  However, my primary reason for giving a gift and not cash (and I do this for other things, graduations, etc.), is that I'm hoping the recipient remembers my gift.  "Oh, this is the bracelet Aunt Redwing gave me for my college graduation."  Money gets spent, sometimes on things like food or the gas bill.  I'm hoping to create a memory.   For weddings, I generally buy off their registry.  They must want the item, they registered for it.

Winterlight

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #117 on: July 09, 2013, 11:20:34 AM »
I do find it funny- not wrong, just funny that it's perfectly acceptable to change the generousity of your gift depending on "how close you are to the couple", but that if the hosts change the quality of serving for the guests according to how they feel about them, it causes outrage.

So if I don't really like Cousin Betty I can acceptably give her an inexpensive gift, but Cousin Betty can't offer only her favourite guests lobster and champagne.

I wonder why that is ... it's not because the gifting isn't "public" because it functions the same way at Showers where the gifts are often opened publicly.

Personally I match my gift to the venue for people I don't know well - I suppose it's a modified "cover your plate" and I do "above" that for people I am close to. I'd never drop below reciprocating what I felt the level of hosting was- if I really wasn't close enough to them or didn't like them enough for that I wouldn't simply send my regrets. I guess being from a town with relatively limited options for weddings it's fairly easy to guess- a wedding at the local "hall" always features x/y/z and cost around $20pp, so I'd probably gift around $75 for the two of us to go to a co-worker/random relatives wedding. A wedding at BigFancy hotel features menus that start at a minumum of $30-50pp so I'd probably be more likely to gift $100-125. It's not written in stone, but it's just how it's *done* around here. It's like, I'd probably just bring some fruit or a bag of chips if my friend invites me to a "hey I have a ton of hot dogs and some leftover salad" BBQ, but I would bring a hostess gift of some nice wine if she hosted a formal dinner party. Nothing says you have to do either, but it's kind of the unwritten rule where I am.

If you choose to host some people at big cookouts and others at formal dinners, then you will obviously tailor things to the occasion. But within those events, you should be treating all your guests as equals. If I invited Cousin Betty to one of those formal dinners and didn't give her champagne because I don't like her as much as Cousin Lucetta, I think we'd all agree that was horrribly rude. However, if I found that it was easier to host Cousin Betty at those big cookouts because she tried to start a food fight at the formal dinner, I think people would understand that as well.
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SuperMartianRobotGirl

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #118 on: July 09, 2013, 11:27:10 AM »
Cousin Betty can invite only her favorite people to the event where lobster and champagne are served, but everyone at that event should be offered lobster and champagne. This does not obligate Cousin Betty to always entertain with lobster and champagne. She is free to invite less favorite people for a less expensive meal if she wants, and everyone at that meal should be offered the same thing.

What you serve at an event is very public. Everyone sees what everyone is getting. But when I send a gift to my brother, and I send a gift to someone I worked with 6 years ago, they don't know what the other person got. And even if people do know each other, it isn't public knowledge what the other person got and they shouldn't be talking about something private. There is no way for the knowledge of what you serve one person at a dinner to be private from other people at that dinner.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #119 on: July 09, 2013, 12:40:26 PM »
I do find it funny- not wrong, just funny that it's perfectly acceptable to change the generousity of your gift depending on "how close you are to the couple", but that if the hosts change the quality of serving for the guests according to how they feel about them, it causes outrage.

So if I don't really like Cousin Betty I can acceptably give her an inexpensive gift, but Cousin Betty can't offer only her favourite guests lobster and champagne.
I wonder why that is ... it's not because the gifting isn't "public" because it functions the same way at Showers where the gifts are often opened publicly.

snip

If you choose to host some people at big cookouts and others at formal dinners, then you will obviously tailor things to the occasion. But within those events, you should be treating all your guests as equals. If I invited Cousin Betty to one of those formal dinners and didn't give her champagne because I don't like her as much as Cousin Lucetta, I think we'd all agree that was horrribly rude. However, if I found that it was easier to host Cousin Betty at those big cookouts because she tried to start a food fight at the formal dinner, I think people would understand that as well.

For the bold, you can't go to a party jointly hosted to honor the birthdays of Cousin Betty and Cousin Luccetta and take a gift of $100 for the one you liked and a $10 gift for the one you don't.