Author Topic: Your gift was only $100  (Read 21413 times)

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Winterlight

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #120 on: July 09, 2013, 01:38:24 PM »
Agreed! How many times have people posted that their child was at the family Christmas and received socks or something else cheap while Favored Child got hundreds of dollars of toys from Grandpa?
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
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To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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chicajojobe

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #121 on: July 09, 2013, 01:39:31 PM »
For me, social reciprocation doesn't involve calculating possible financial expenditures of someone else.  It just doesn't.

Luckily, in my area, the general population doesn't adhere to this "rule".  It doesn't matter to me what rule people silently use to determine their gift giving but I would draw the line at any HC or guest who would try to shame me into using their personal rule.

Thank you. I don't are what rule anyone else uses to determine their git giving either. But it is mighty insulting when people insist, repeatedly, and condescendingly that the rule some people personally - and silently - use is "cover your plate", its horrible and rude, and just an all-around bad way to think. Everyone should give along the lines they feel comfortable giving. But its highly stand-offish for people to act like "cover your plate" is some terrible mindset for a gift giver to have, when truly when applied properly its a very loving and generous and thoughtful way - not the only loving, generous or thoughtful way, but validly one such - to give.

This was my point exactly!
I really don't care how any person chooses to give gifts. I think going by closeness of relationship, by how much you can afford (as this couple did) or by 'cover your plate', when done properly, are all fine.
If someone doesn't like the idea of 'cover your plate' because it requires thinking about the cost of the wedding, which they find tacky for guests to do at all, then by all means don't!

However, it was all of the attaching motives and social problems (like classism) to the idea that really bothered me because that's assuming a lot about people who think this way.
Even saying that it's a problem when the HC comes to expect it is just as true for any form of gift giving. The bride actually violated 2 in the OP, 1-cover your plate, 2-what you can afford (she assumed the guest couple could afford more). It would also be rude for a bride to be angry if her sister's gift was not as lavish as a 2nd cousin's because she expected bigger gifts from people closer to her.

That's why I'm saying, it's fine if you don't like the idea, don't want to use it to pick your gifts, and wouldn't want people giving you gifts ever thinking that way...but I don't think this way of thinking is any worse than any other form of gift giving.

miranova

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #122 on: July 10, 2013, 12:46:05 PM »
I haven't seen a single person saying that someone's private motivations are wrong or "horribly rude".  I just think it's hugely naive to believe that this idea stops at private motivations.  If it did, none of us ever would have heard of it, brides wouldn't be expecting it, and we wouldn't have stories like this even happening.

It's impossible to spread an idea for gift givers only to privately follow without gift receivers starting to expect it.  And that is exactly what has happened.  People in the last 10-20 years have spent more and more money on their weddings....I happen to believe that part of the reason for that is that they expect their guests to cover it.

Of course there are plenty of gracious hosts who would never act the way the bride in this article did....but there enough of these stories to convince me that the very idea of "cover your plate" has lead to a lot of bad and rude behavior by hosts.

miranova

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #123 on: July 10, 2013, 01:10:25 PM »
No, I said I wouldn't give a wedding gift that I wouldn't I've to a relative. If I wouldn't feel bad giving my sister $100, or a gift basket, or a card because that's what I liked to give or all I could afford - then I would give that to a friend or co-worker. If I could do more, then I would for my sister (and did). I would never give a small gift I'd feel cheap giving to my sister or other close friend, because if someone has offered to host me at an important life event it's really not fair to accept their generosity and take part without fulfilling what I feel is my part - to gift them with something nice - whether it's monetary, handmade or off a registry. If I really felt so "eh" about a wedding that I didn't want to give them a nice present I think it would be politer on my part to simply not go. If a "nice present" to you *is* a card and handmade soap- cool! If that's all you can afford- fine. The couple should in almost every circumstance take a gift to be meant well and given with good spirit.


Reading posts that say something like (not saying you used this wording) "The couple is hosting me to a great event so I need to compensate them for their trouble/cost of hosting me" really bothers me.  The couple (or family member) ASKED for me to join them and to witness their unity. My gift back to them is to come and rejoice with them. I didn't ask to be invited to a party or event. If choosing to attend the event I've been invited to ends with attending and being a gracious guest.

I think it's your comment of "has offered to host me at an important life event" that bothers me most. They have ASKED you to give of your time to witness and share in an important event in THEIR lives. I am honoring them by my presence. They are not honoring me by inviting me to attend. That is why wedding invitations say "The honour of our presence is requested".... not "You are being granted the opportunity to witness the marriage of...."

TOTAL POD.

I do not accept the idea that merely accepting an invitation means that I am taking advantage of someone and their hospitality. 

And as a host I would feel insulted if any of my guests felt that they had to pay me back monetarily. 

Roe

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #124 on: July 10, 2013, 04:54:22 PM »
No, I said I wouldn't give a wedding gift that I wouldn't I've to a relative. If I wouldn't feel bad giving my sister $100, or a gift basket, or a card because that's what I liked to give or all I could afford - then I would give that to a friend or co-worker. If I could do more, then I would for my sister (and did). I would never give a small gift I'd feel cheap giving to my sister or other close friend, because if someone has offered to host me at an important life event it's really not fair to accept their generosity and take part without fulfilling what I feel is my part - to gift them with something nice - whether it's monetary, handmade or off a registry. If I really felt so "eh" about a wedding that I didn't want to give them a nice present I think it would be politer on my part to simply not go. If a "nice present" to you *is* a card and handmade soap- cool! If that's all you can afford- fine. The couple should in almost every circumstance take a gift to be meant well and given with good spirit.


Reading posts that say something like (not saying you used this wording) "The couple is hosting me to a great event so I need to compensate them for their trouble/cost of hosting me" really bothers me.  The couple (or family member) ASKED for me to join them and to witness their unity. My gift back to them is to come and rejoice with them. I didn't ask to be invited to a party or event. If choosing to attend the event I've been invited to ends with attending and being a gracious guest.

I think it's your comment of "has offered to host me at an important life event" that bothers me most. They have ASKED you to give of your time to witness and share in an important event in THEIR lives. I am honoring them by my presence. They are not honoring me by inviting me to attend. That is why wedding invitations say "The honour of our presence is requested".... not "You are being granted the opportunity to witness the marriage of...."


TOTAL POD.

I do not accept the idea that merely accepting an invitation means that I am taking advantage of someone and their hospitality. 

And as a host I would feel insulted if any of my guests felt that they had to pay me back monetarily.


HUGE, HUGE POD, POD, POD to both Miranova and Hmmmmm!  Thank you both for expressing my feelings exactly!

mw8242

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #125 on: July 18, 2013, 05:15:36 PM »
I think it's a cultural thing - and everyone is not going to agree. I personally cannot image going to a wedding and not covering my plate because I grew up with that mentality and my big extended family grew up with that mentality. I attend a lot of weddings and the last one was for a good friend of mine at a nice country club, I gave $150 and that was the norm in my circle.

Everyone has different backgrounds and different norms. Just as you(general) can't imagine paying that much to attend a wedding I(me only) can't imagine paying less, it would make me uncomfortable. Weddings are awesome and amazing things to celebrate and my friend definitely didn't have a spreadsheet out ticking off who paid "enough" and who didn't, to me it's part of the social contract I have with my family and group of friends in my region.

*inviteseller

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #126 on: July 18, 2013, 08:55:48 PM »
I think it's a cultural thing - and everyone is not going to agree. I personally cannot image going to a wedding and not covering my plate because I grew up with that mentality and my big extended family grew up with that mentality. I attend a lot of weddings and the last one was for a good friend of mine at a nice country club, I gave $150 and that was the norm in my circle.

Everyone has different backgrounds and different norms. Just as you(general) can't imagine paying that much to attend a wedding I(me only) can't imagine paying less, it would make me uncomfortable. Weddings are awesome and amazing things to celebrate and my friend definitely didn't have a spreadsheet out ticking off who paid "enough" and who didn't, to me it's part of the social contract I have with my family and group of friends in my region.


That is fine if your family brought you up to believe in doing that and you try to do it, but the problem comes in to play when the HC start kvetching at people for NOT doing it.  I guess if my friend has a lavish, worthy of it's tv show wedding, I have to miss it because I cannot cough up the big bucks to pay for my and my dates meals.  Not everyone can afford large gifts and , as I have taught my own DD's, it is the thought that counts.  I personally would be thrilled that my friends came than with wondering if they were picking up the tab, because honestly that is what 'cover my plate' means to me.  And if my friends did not appreciate $100, which is nothing to sneeze at, because it just was not up to their standards, I would hope they would not invite me.  I don't want to be invited somewhere wondering if I was being judged by my gift instead of the fact they liked me enough to share in their special day.

 I guess, by some views here, that when I host large picnics bar b que's for my DD's birthdays where I spend a ton on food so there is plenty of choices and enough to go around, I need to quit inviting my good friends, a family of 4, who eat quite a bit, but have only brought small dollar store gifts because their gift is not up to snuff.   Or do I continue to invite them because we enjoy their company, I am glad they have good appetites, and be glad, knowing they have little disposable  income, that they thought to pick out a few things that she does like.  A host invites the people they want to spend special events with, not just their checkbooks.

MariaE

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #127 on: July 19, 2013, 01:50:02 AM »
I think it's a cultural thing - and everyone is not going to agree. I personally cannot image going to a wedding and not covering my plate because I grew up with that mentality and my big extended family grew up with that mentality. I attend a lot of weddings and the last one was for a good friend of mine at a nice country club, I gave $150 and that was the norm in my circle.

Everyone has different backgrounds and different norms. Just as you(general) can't imagine paying that much to attend a wedding I(me only) can't imagine paying less, it would make me uncomfortable. Weddings are awesome and amazing things to celebrate and my friend definitely didn't have a spreadsheet out ticking off who paid "enough" and who didn't, to me it's part of the social contract I have with my family and group of friends in my region.

Mw8242, does that mean that if you're invited to a wedding at a time in your life where you can't afford to "cover your plate" that you have to decline? Or does the CYP culture make allowances for that?
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

mw8242

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #128 on: July 19, 2013, 08:36:27 AM »
First off cyp is not a hard & fast rule and again the bride & groom are not ticking off those that paid enough. It is a guideline and again for me(just me) it's one I welcome so I am comfortable. I know that weddings aren't what they originally were with young couples just starting out and while yes people save for the wedding they want it's nice if they got that money back to start life with together. To me that's different than throwing a bbq. And is there judgement of those that don't pay enough? NO! It's a guideline and every person has their own culture that helps them make decisions and for me this is a common one. It may not be for others but then again they may have other things in their culture that I just don't understand but are completely normal to them, no judgement.

And if I couldn't afford the cover my plate guideline I'd still go if I wanted to go to the wedding. In most cases for me(just me) I usually know a wedding is coming  for months and can save slowly and I have up to a year after to send my gift and again saving $5 or $10 a week over the year and a half could easily net me what I want to give the couple to celebrate their wedding.

I understand from first glance it seems like a bill or cover charge but again I note that it's cultural and that thought never even crossed my mind, it's just how I(just me) celebrate with the couple.

Sharnita

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #129 on: July 19, 2013, 10:17:48 AM »
I guess it seemd like a limited view of celebrating the couple and your relationship with them. Like I mentioned, I might have a friend who.comes out to help me with.a blown tire in the middle of a cold winter night. I might care for somebody's relative for an afternoon to give them respite. We volunteer food for gradiations and weddings withput being asked. We collect mail and wayer flowers for friends when thy are on vacation. There are lots of things we do pver the courde of a relationship that have great value but if we tried to figure the dollar value of everuthing and "cover" it the approach would kind of cheapen the gestures on a way. With people you really love you are generous in your way as and tjey are generous in theirs. In a really loving relarionship it is equal in the long run, in its own way.

mw8242

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #130 on: July 19, 2013, 10:36:46 AM »
And using the guideline I could give more of course. I guess I don't go to weddings of people I'm not really close to so to me it evens out and one event does not cheapen my overall relationship with people. I chose to celebrate with them and the gift is separate for me. Again everyone has their own experiences and until this board I never thought of the cyp thought as a bill for hospitality,  it's just they way things go in my world.

TootsNYC

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #131 on: July 20, 2013, 12:18:27 PM »

I think part of the problem is that people watch too much (ir)reality TV. They see, say, a Kardashian wedding. They think "this is how weddings are done - this is how they MUST be done". They order as fancy a wedding as possible, and expect to pay for it with the wedding gifts, which will be (in their minds) the same as what the Kardashians get. However, since their friends and relatives are not jetsetters, they instead get only ordinary working people can afford. Reality slaps the (not so) Happy Couple in the face.


Except that the Kardashian-type weddings never "cover their costs" in wedding gifts either!!!

Honestly, in my ILs' family, even with the voluntary "cover your plate" attitude of the older and more-well-off relatives, you still don't break even.

I think that Sharnita is right, with people you really love, you are generous on each side and it pretty much evens out. And that's why lower-financial-value gifts are usually seen as having a very high *true* value when they're given by people who don't have much. (Which is the antidote to the C.Y.Plate attitude, and indeed it does exist inside and alongside the C.Y.Plate approach.)

SuperMartianRobotGirl

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #132 on: July 20, 2013, 12:36:35 PM »
My experience with this isn't good.  When I was in my 20s, a good friend got married. He married into a wealthy family in a big city from a culture where CYP is the norm, and this is where I learned about CYP. I was fresh out of college and not making much money, so I could barely afford to go to the big city to go to the wedding, but I did, and I got a present I could afford and put a lot of thought into it, but it wasn't huge or expensive. I think it was like $50, which felt like a lot back then. I never got a thank you note and never heard from either of them again, and later heard from a mutual friend that the bride was offended that I hadn't paid more like $200, and in cash. The person who told me this didn't say it to shame me but to call the bride a money grabber, but I have always felt bad about this. The fact is that when people make this a "thing to do" people DO expect it, and the fact that it's part of a culture doesn't make it OK. Rude things are rude regardless of whether a group of people has gotten together and decided they think it's OK.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #133 on: July 22, 2013, 01:16:38 PM »
I've got another wedding invitation to deal with (this is my third this summer).  This is a very, very dear friend of mine's daughter.  It is a simple ceremony at an outdoor venue with the reception at someone else's home (BYOB the invitation says  ??? ).

There was a list of registries in the invitation and I am going to buy something off that list, I plan to spend $50 plus but not $100 I generally feel $50 is in my budget for everyone I know. 

I do not take into account that I had to travel and stay overnight for the last two weddings, my gifting budget is my gifting budget.  I am not getting this one more because it is a local wedding or less because it is my third one this summer.  I feel like $50 is fair and if I couldn't afford that I would feel terrible.  If it were a fancy wedding with a fancy dinner I would probably just stay home because I don't feel inclined to dress up but I would still spend about $50 on the gift.   

I don't believe in CYP.  Either you want me there or you don't, if you plan to mentally invoice me please save your energy.       

Idlewildstudios

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Re: Your gift was only $100
« Reply #134 on: July 22, 2013, 06:00:03 PM »
Before I came this website I had never heard of CYP before.  I give what I can afford at the time.  I don't understand how people can CYP without knowing what the catering budget is.  Or is there some sort of standard per plate cost?  You can't even go by what is being served.  At a cousin's wedding they had a reception immediately after the ceremony for everyone ( a full dinner followe later for family and close relatives).  It was simply a white cake covered in white chocolate curls and sparkling cider.  Sounds simple.  We later found out the chocolate and the pear cider were imported from out of state at great cost and the cake and cider reception was actually very, very spendy.

CYP sounds very off putting to me.
« Last Edit: July 22, 2013, 06:02:47 PM by Idlewildstudios »