Your gift was only $100

[Roe]

I don't understand how people can CYP without knowing what the catering budget is.

CYP sounds very off putting to me.

Or your guests budget. What if they can't afford the $100 per person plate?  Do you still invite them? Or maybe they can make payments? 

It sounds very off-putting to me too.

[mbbored]

The logic of covering your plate, to me is only saying that richer people (who can afford more expensive parties) and people who can not plan financialy deserve bigger gifts then poorer people. That is a mentality that I will never have. If I give a gift at a party, it is based on several things: My relationship to the gift recipients, the occasion, my financial situation, the gifts I can find that I want to give. It is not based on the size of the party or financial situation of the host.

This is my philosophy. Last summer two friends from the same club got married (not to each other). One is a lawyer who married another lawyer and they had a 150 person wedding on a boat with an open bar that featured signature cocktails, three course seated dinner, latin jazz band, etc. The other person is a nurse married to a store clerk. They rented a community hall and the food was buffet style prepared by the couple's families and featured a cooler of beer and somebody's laptop hooked up to the sound system. I gave the same priced gift to both, about $20 (I'm a grad student).

This summer two classmates are getting married, again, not to each other. One is having a country club wedding paid for by her parents, the other had a picnic in the park that they paid for themselves. I'm closer to both of them, and have a slightly better budget this summer, so I'm giving both $50 gifts.

If I tried to cover my plate, I probably couldn't afford to go to either of the fancier weddings. Also, that would mean that the couples who are already better off or who have family support would get more expensive gifts than the friends who are scraping by and trying to stay within their budgets.

[Coruscation]

Before I came this website I had never heard of CYP before.  I give what I can afford at the time.  I don't understand how people can CYP without knowing what the catering budget is.  Or is there some sort of standard per plate cost?  You can't even go by what is being served.  At a cousin's wedding they had a reception immediately after the ceremony for everyone ( a full dinner followe later for family and close relatives).  It was simply a white cake covered in white chocolate curls and sparkling cider.  Sounds simple.  We later found out the chocolate and the pear cider were imported from out of state at great cost and the cake and cider reception was actually very, very spendy.

CYP sounds very off putting to me.

They don't but they can think they do. I've been reading the archives and one submitter wrote in to tell about being reamed out by the groom for not covering her plate and notes that the grooms gift at her wedding didn't cover his plate. But he obviously thought it did.

[Jones]

Wasn't there a story on Hell's Bells in which the RSVP card asked guests to pay up front for their dinners?

http://weddinghellsbells.com/?p=6423

[chicajojobe]

I don't understand how people can CYP without knowing what the catering budget is.

CYP sounds very off putting to me.

Or your guests budget. What if they can't afford the $100 per person plate?  Do you still invite them? Or maybe they can make payments? 

It sounds very off-putting to me too.

All of those questions have been answered.

[Roe]

I don't understand how people can CYP without knowing what the catering budget is.

CYP sounds very off putting to me.

Or your guests budget. What if they can't afford the $100 per person plate?  Do you still invite them? Or maybe they can make payments? 

It sounds very off-putting to me too.

All of those questions have been answered.

I disagree.  Regardless, that doesn't mean we can't continue to respond to someone's comments or posts, does it?  (honestly asking)

[Idlewildstudios]

I made an observation related to my experience and with my confusion on the whole CYP idea.  I didn't realize I was beating a dead horse, so to speak.   I was just contributing to the discussion.  I didn't realize that contributing or discussion was discouraged after an answer was supposedly reached.  Not being snarky, just feeling a bit like I was put into my place without needing to be.

[Specky]

The concept/expectation of CYP is why my DH and I have, for years, declined all wedding invitations. 

[Shoo]

I made an observation related to my experience and with my confusion on the whole CYP idea.  I didn't realize I was beating a dead horse, so to speak.   I was just contributing to the discussion.  I didn't realize that contributing or discussion was discouraged after an answer was supposedly reached.  Not being snarky, just feeling a bit like I was put into my place without needing to be.

Just because someone expresses their opinion, it doesn't mean a question has been "answered" difinitively.  There is always room for more discussion.  The attitude of, "I already answered your question" is rude, IMO.

[Rohanna]

On the other hand it's kind of off putting to keep asking the same questions without acknowledging that people have answered them- it starts to feel like people are only asking to get their opinions validated instead of actually looking for clarification. Statements disagreeing with the answer or new questions/clarification questions are different.

[baglady]

I think it's a cultural thing - and everyone is not going to agree. I personally cannot image going to a wedding and not covering my plate because I grew up with that mentality and my big extended family grew up with that mentality. I attend a lot of weddings and the last one was for a good friend of mine at a nice country club, I gave $150 and that was the norm in my circle.

Everyone has different backgrounds and different norms. Just as you(general) can't imagine paying that much to attend a wedding I(me only) can't imagine paying less, it would make me uncomfortable. Weddings are awesome and amazing things to celebrate and my friend definitely didn't have a spreadsheet out ticking off who paid "enough" and who didn't, to me it's part of the social contract I have with my family and group of friends in my region.

The bolded wording bugs me, because people shouldn't be "paying to attend a wedding." Yes, we spend money to attend -- for a gift, clothes, travel, hotel (if needed). But weddings shouldn't have a cover charge -- implied via CYP or (horrors!) assessed ahead of time. This is not what hosting is about.

WillyNilly, I think it is a lovely gesture for a guest to decide to give a generous monetary gift with the intention of helping the couple offset the cost of putting on the wedding/reception. But as you have stated, that is a call for the guests to make, not the hosts. And snubbing or berating guests after the fact for not covering their plates is the height of boorishness, IMO.

What if there is no reception? What if the bride and groom elope, or have a private ceremony at city hall? What if there is a reception but I can't attend? If I love the HC, I would still want to give them a gift to wish them well and help them start their new life together. Should I not do that because they didn't spend any money on me?

Bottom line: If you're hosting, you host the event you can afford, whether that's punch and cake, potluck, or a seven-course meal at the country club with the Manhattan String Quartet playing. If you're a guest, you give the gift you can afford and feel moved to give, whether that's a $10 kitchen utensil, a $20 gift card or a big fat check. And if the hosts have stayed within their budget and not overextended themselves with the expectation that they'll be reimbursed by the gifts, then what they *do* get is gravy.

[Redneck Gravy]

Bottom line: If you're hosting, you host the event you can afford, whether that's punch and cake, potluck, or a seven-course meal at the country club with the Manhattan String Quartet playing. If you're a guest, you give the gift you can afford and feel moved to give, whether that's a $10 kitchen utensil, a $20 gift card or a big fat check. And if the hosts have stayed within their budget and not overextended themselves with the expectation that they'll be reimbursed by the gifts, then what they *do* get is gravy.

Well said baglady and I agree!

I have no issues with registries, it helps me choose something I know the HC will like.  I have a serious issue with the HC requesting "monetary gifts in lieu of traditional gifts"

[miranova]

Another reason why "cover your plate" bothers me is the implication that "well, you are only covering your own cost, and if you don't you are actually costing the host money".  No.  The fact that the couple is having a wedding reception at all is what is costing them money.  A big part of those costs are fixed regardless of whether or not I attend.  The food/drinks are the only variable cost but even then, most caterers have a minimum number of people they will cook for, and the couple certainly can and should expect that a certain percentage of people that they invite will in fact show up and eat.  So to me, I look at the reception as a sunk cost for the couple.  They are paying for a reception no matter what, a few people showing up or not does not change the total bill in a significant manner.  They are paying to have the event itself, hopefully full of people they care about.  Therefore 100% of what a guest gives is adding to the couple's financial situation, not only the portion above food costs.  The reception is already paid for and done regardless and is a sunk cost.

[WillyNilly]

...WillyNilly, I think it is a lovely gesture for a guest to decide to give a generous monetary gift with the intention of helping the couple offset the cost of putting on the wedding/reception. But as you have stated, that is a call for the guests to make, not the hosts. And snubbing or berating guests after the fact for not covering their plates is the height of boorishness, IMO.

What if there is no reception? What if the bride and groom elope, or have a private ceremony at city hall? What if there is a reception but I can't attend? If I love the HC, I would still want to give them a gift to wish them well and help them start their new life together. Should I not do that because they didn't spend any money on me?...

Well of course snubbing and/or berating someone is unacceptable. That type of behavior is on the individual and cannot be blamed on a tradition founded in generosity. No reasonable person, regardless of their stance on CYP, should ever begrudge a gift given with love and good intent.

As for the no reception part. To me, well I'd probably still give the couple $100-300 depending on relationship and how flush I was at the time. Because I'm guessing what a reception dinner should, in my head, cost, and basing my gift on that. So if I have to imagine the whole dang party, whats the difference?

I don't understand how people can CYP without knowing what the catering budget is...

And that's how this ^ question gets answered. You guess. Same with the question of a poor person, or a young person just starting out on their own; to them $25 might be the highest they can even fathom to spend on a nice dinner, when they throw parties they are budgeting a few bucks per guest, etc. So to them (and therefore from them) a 25 gift is in keeping with CYP... at least it is when CYP is done right (which is to say is a totally one sided, based solely on the givers generosity, gift giving method).