Author Topic: Pushy kid- Literally  (Read 5730 times)

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Acadianna

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #15 on: July 04, 2013, 10:09:56 PM »
she tries telling the kiddo, "no shoving"

That may be part of the problem -- mom tells him what he should not do but doesn't tell him what he should do.

I've had a fair amount of training in behavior management (I used to work in self-contained classrooms for students with behavior challenges).  The trainings have always emphasized that we should express behavior directives positively in terms of what we want the student to do.

So instead of "no shoving," mom might try telling her child, "Keep hands down" or "Wave instead of pushing" or something along those lines.  Would you feel comfortable explaining this to her?  Or if not, maybe you could gently model it with her child.

kareng57

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #16 on: July 05, 2013, 12:10:24 AM »
Sorry the kid is 2 years and 3 months old, mine just turned 3. 
The playgrounds are pretty quiet, not many kids. But at this age they either play together for a few minutes and separeate and then come back to the same equipment.  If my kid gets near hers, her kid just pushes as mine goes by.

As a mom of a pushy kid, I am sorry that the other mother isn't doing enough.  I had a thread on this subject a while ago where my child was the aggressor. 

This is what I feel would be appropriate.  Let's pretend the pusher is named Johnny and your child is Sally.  Johnny pushes Sally as he walks by her.  You are interacting with the other mother when this happens.
You stop your conversation immediately and say
"Oh, Johnny just pushed Sally.  Johnny, that wasn't nice.  Sally, are you okay?"  Then you go to your child and redirect them to another area to play.
Repeat as necessary.
Don't shun the other woman, but by reinforcing to your own child that the other child did, in fact, do something wrong, you will end up communicating to both the other child and mother that you don't tolerate shoving.

This is also a gentle enough tactic that it won't overtly embarrass the mother if she just missed what her kid did.  As the mother of a rather aggressive toddler, I appreciate when other parents gently alert me to the fact that Little Knit did something naughty and I missed it.  It gives me the chance to immediately address her behaviour and reinforce better ways to play.

I can almost guarantee you that after the first or second time you do this, the other mother will take a more active and immediate role in redirecting her child's play.

I also want to say - it's not necessarily a parenting failure on the other mother's part.  If she is addressing it consistently, every single time it happens, she's probably doing the very best she can.  Pushing/shoving/hitting/etc is a pretty common stage around the 2 year mark for many children.  It happens moreso when the child has difficulty communicating in other ways. 

With Little Knit, she gets two chances when we go to the park.  If she pushes or hits more than twice, we leave immediately.  It's all I can do.  Not every parent does that, though.  Some have a higher threshold, some just don't know what to do.

All you can reasonably do is reinforce to your child that pushing/hitting/etc is not acceptable behaviour and hope the other child catches on soon.


I disagree.  IMO pushing/hitting is completely unacceptable.  If done once, Kid does not get a second chance.

No, my kids were not saints, and we had to leave the local park more than a few times.

bopper

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #17 on: July 05, 2013, 09:51:54 AM »
I agree that the child seems to be using pushing as a way to communicate.  Like "Hey, I am here. "
Can you some how redirect the kid to use a more appropriate communication?
So for example, if your child was playing in a sand box and you saw the kid approaching her, go over to them and hand the kid a sand shovel and say "do you want to play in the sand".

Cami

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #18 on: July 05, 2013, 10:22:21 AM »
Teach your kid that she doesn't have to accept someone physically touching her, especially in an aggressive manner. Give her the tools to handle the kid by role playing with her. Teach her to say "NO! Don't push me!" loudly and clearly. This will empower her physically and emotionally. Also, generally when the "victim" kid stops playing the victim role, the aggressor kid stops because they're not getting what they want any more.

Knitterly

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #19 on: July 05, 2013, 02:55:18 PM »
Sorry the kid is 2 years and 3 months old, mine just turned 3. 
The playgrounds are pretty quiet, not many kids. But at this age they either play together for a few minutes and separeate and then come back to the same equipment.  If my kid gets near hers, her kid just pushes as mine goes by.

As a mom of a pushy kid, I am sorry that the other mother isn't doing enough.  I had a thread on this subject a while ago where my child was the aggressor. 

This is what I feel would be appropriate.  Let's pretend the pusher is named Johnny and your child is Sally.  Johnny pushes Sally as he walks by her.  You are interacting with the other mother when this happens.
You stop your conversation immediately and say
"Oh, Johnny just pushed Sally.  Johnny, that wasn't nice.  Sally, are you okay?"  Then you go to your child and redirect them to another area to play.
Repeat as necessary.
Don't shun the other woman, but by reinforcing to your own child that the other child did, in fact, do something wrong, you will end up communicating to both the other child and mother that you don't tolerate shoving.

This is also a gentle enough tactic that it won't overtly embarrass the mother if she just missed what her kid did.  As the mother of a rather aggressive toddler, I appreciate when other parents gently alert me to the fact that Little Knit did something naughty and I missed it.  It gives me the chance to immediately address her behaviour and reinforce better ways to play.

I can almost guarantee you that after the first or second time you do this, the other mother will take a more active and immediate role in redirecting her child's play.

I also want to say - it's not necessarily a parenting failure on the other mother's part.  If she is addressing it consistently, every single time it happens, she's probably doing the very best she can.  Pushing/shoving/hitting/etc is a pretty common stage around the 2 year mark for many children.  It happens moreso when the child has difficulty communicating in other ways. 

With Little Knit, she gets two chances when we go to the park.  If she pushes or hits more than twice, we leave immediately.  It's all I can do.  Not every parent does that, though.  Some have a higher threshold, some just don't know what to do.

All you can reasonably do is reinforce to your child that pushing/hitting/etc is not acceptable behaviour and hope the other child catches on soon.


I disagree.  IMO pushing/hitting is completely unacceptable.  If done once, Kid does not get a second chance.

No, my kids were not saints, and we had to leave the local park more than a few times.

Kareng... my initial reaction to your words was to be pretty insulted, as I felt that you were implying that I don't do enough when I give my child a chance to change her behaviour before going to the next stage of disciplinary action.  And yet, after having taken a second to walk away and reflect on my reaction, I know that you did not mean anything by it.  But I came back to respond because I think my reaction underscore precisely why the OP needs to be careful here.

Every parent/child combo is different and when one parent steps in to correct the child of another parent when the other parent is standing right there the chances that the other parent will be insulted that someone else is parenting their child for them and take it as an implication that they aren't doing enough.

Maybe the other parent really isn't doing enough, but if they are at least doing something (which, by the OP's own admission, the other mother is doing), it would be pretty rude and wrong to step in and correct the other child more harshly.

You can't make another parent/child leave the park.  You can discourage your child from playing with the other child.  You can make a loud neutral statement or a statement to your own child.  But it seems to me to be pretty much overstepping to re-correct the child or step in when the mother has already said something.

So, like so many others have said, you can teach your child to speak up and say "don't push".  You can call the other mother's attention to it.  But it really does behoove us all to think twice about actually *correcting* someone else's child when the parent is standing right there - unless you are very close indeed.

Cami

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #20 on: July 05, 2013, 04:06:32 PM »
Sorry the kid is 2 years and 3 months old, mine just turned 3. 
The playgrounds are pretty quiet, not many kids. But at this age they either play together for a few minutes and separeate and then come back to the same equipment.  If my kid gets near hers, her kid just pushes as mine goes by.

As a mom of a pushy kid, I am sorry that the other mother isn't doing enough.  I had a thread on this subject a while ago where my child was the aggressor. 

This is what I feel would be appropriate.  Let's pretend the pusher is named Johnny and your child is Sally.  Johnny pushes Sally as he walks by her.  You are interacting with the other mother when this happens.
You stop your conversation immediately and say
"Oh, Johnny just pushed Sally.  Johnny, that wasn't nice.  Sally, are you okay?"  Then you go to your child and redirect them to another area to play.
Repeat as necessary.
Don't shun the other woman, but by reinforcing to your own child that the other child did, in fact, do something wrong, you will end up communicating to both the other child and mother that you don't tolerate shoving.

This is also a gentle enough tactic that it won't overtly embarrass the mother if she just missed what her kid did.  As the mother of a rather aggressive toddler, I appreciate when other parents gently alert me to the fact that Little Knit did something naughty and I missed it.  It gives me the chance to immediately address her behaviour and reinforce better ways to play.

I can almost guarantee you that after the first or second time you do this, the other mother will take a more active and immediate role in redirecting her child's play.

I also want to say - it's not necessarily a parenting failure on the other mother's part.  If she is addressing it consistently, every single time it happens, she's probably doing the very best she can.  Pushing/shoving/hitting/etc is a pretty common stage around the 2 year mark for many children.  It happens moreso when the child has difficulty communicating in other ways. 

With Little Knit, she gets two chances when we go to the park.  If she pushes or hits more than twice, we leave immediately.  It's all I can do.  Not every parent does that, though.  Some have a higher threshold, some just don't know what to do.

All you can reasonably do is reinforce to your child that pushing/hitting/etc is not acceptable behaviour and hope the other child catches on soon.


I disagree.  IMO pushing/hitting is completely unacceptable.  If done once, Kid does not get a second chance.

No, my kids were not saints, and we had to leave the local park more than a few times.

Kareng... my initial reaction to your words was to be pretty insulted, as I felt that you were implying that I don't do enough when I give my child a chance to change her behaviour before going to the next stage of disciplinary action.  And yet, after having taken a second to walk away and reflect on my reaction, I know that you did not mean anything by it.  But I came back to respond because I think my reaction underscore precisely why the OP needs to be careful here.

Every parent/child combo is different and when one parent steps in to correct the child of another parent when the other parent is standing right there the chances that the other parent will be insulted that someone else is parenting their child for them and take it as an implication that they aren't doing enough.

Maybe the other parent really isn't doing enough, but if they are at least doing something (which, by the OP's own admission, the other mother is doing), it would be pretty rude and wrong to step in and correct the other child more harshly.

You can't make another parent/child leave the park.  You can discourage your child from playing with the other child.  You can make a loud neutral statement or a statement to your own child.  But it seems to me to be pretty much overstepping to re-correct the child or step in when the mother has already said something.

So, like so many others have said, you can teach your child to speak up and say "don't push".  You can call the other mother's attention to it.  But it really does behoove us all to think twice about actually *correcting* someone else's child when the parent is standing right there - unless you are very close indeed.
Safety trumps etiquette. If a kid is pushing my kid and whatever the parent is doing does not result in its immediate halt, then I have every right to step in and protect my child.

lorelai

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #21 on: July 05, 2013, 04:11:13 PM »
In the moment yes I do think it's ok to talk directly to the other child. But since the other parent is present, I wonder if it'd be worth it in this case, in order to attempt to preserve the friendship, to approach the other parent honestly and openly.

'I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable putting DD in a situation where she's being pushed by another child. I'm going to do my best to teach her to state her boundaries and step in when I can, but if it continues to happen I may need to remove her from the situation completely. Is there anything else you can try to get your child to stop pushing? How can I help?"

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #22 on: July 05, 2013, 04:28:32 PM »
I'm not a parent, so I may be way off base here, but I'm wondering if it would work to say something to your own child, rather than the other child, when she's pushed or about to be pushed.  Something like, "Remember what we talked about, honey.  If someone tries to push you, you hold your hands out and say 'NO'." 

This makes the solution between you and your child.  The other parent can make of it what they will, but you have not involved them. 

I think it's also a good idea to praise your child when she stands up for herself. 
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

QueenfaninCA

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #23 on: July 05, 2013, 06:14:28 PM »
I feel for this woman, because clearly she is trying to make friends and give her kid social interaction.  She is very embarassed when her kid shoves and she tries telling the kiddo, "no shoving" and stuff.  however, it clearly is not working.  No one else wants their kid around hers. (understandably).  My kid gives me these weird confused looks when she gets pushed.  I don't want to shun this woman because she is trying, but what she is doing is not working.  Is there anything I can say to the kid when this happens to redirect the kid?  I don't want to "parent" this kid, but I don't want this kid to think shoving my kid is okay.

Somehow I have trouble understanding this: Is the mother intervening each time the kid shoves someone? If not, you are well within your rights to intervene when your daughter gets shoved.

Nemesis

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #24 on: July 05, 2013, 08:17:36 PM »
When Angel was 1.5 years old, another kid who was about 4, pushed her while they were climbing the stairs. I looked at him squarely in the eye and said, "Do NOT push her" very sternly. He never came near her again for the rest of playtime.

She was too young to speak up for herself. So I did it for her. Now that she's three, I have taught her to say loudly "Do NOT push me".

I have a right to protect my kid. If your kid has aggressive tendencies, I am not going to worry abput your hurt feelings. Especially not when my kid is on the top of the slide and your kid decides to hit/shove/push/bite/kick. From my point of view, if your kids hit or push another child while standing on firm ground, they will also do it when they are on higher ground, which is dangerous.

If you don't like other parents telling your aggressive kids to stay away from their kids, then keep them away until they learn to play nice. While biting, pushing or hitting is a normal phase for some kids to go through, my kids should not have to be your kid's victim while he/she learns. I don't care if it implies that you are not doing enough as a parent. I don't care if you have a 3-strike strategy or a "go home right now" strategy. My only concern is that my kid is not hurt, and not intimidated in the playground where she has every right to play.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #25 on: July 06, 2013, 01:01:50 AM »
When Angel was 1.5 years old, another kid who was about 4, pushed her while they were climbing the stairs. I looked at him squarely in the eye and said, "Do NOT push her" very sternly. He never came near her again for the rest of playtime.

She was too young to speak up for herself. So I did it for her. Now that she's three, I have taught her to say loudly "Do NOT push me".

I have a right to protect my kid. If your kid has aggressive tendencies, I am not going to worry abput your hurt feelings. Especially not when my kid is on the top of the slide and your kid decides to hit/shove/push/bite/kick. From my point of view, if your kids hit or push another child while standing on firm ground, they will also do it when they are on higher ground, which is dangerous.

If you don't like other parents telling your aggressive kids to stay away from their kids, then keep them away until they learn to play nice. While biting, pushing or hitting is a normal phase for some kids to go through, my kids should not have to be your kid's victim while he/she learns. I don't care if it implies that you are not doing enough as a parent. I don't care if you have a 3-strike strategy or a "go home right now" strategy. My only concern is that my kid is not hurt, and not intimidated in the playground where she has every right to play.

YES! YES! YES!

kckgirl

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #26 on: July 06, 2013, 10:41:08 AM »
We had a pushy kid in our church nursery. The parents weren't there, but we still had to stop the pushing. Our solution was to bring one of the cribs out to the play area, put the pusher in with a few toys, and let him sit there for a few minutes. We told him "no pushing" as we were putting him in, and again when we let him out. After a couple of rounds in the crib, he learned (at least for that day). We never had to do it again.
Maryland

delabela

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #27 on: July 06, 2013, 01:11:13 PM »
When Angel was 1.5 years old, another kid who was about 4, pushed her while they were climbing the stairs. I looked at him squarely in the eye and said, "Do NOT push her" very sternly. He never came near her again for the rest of playtime.

She was too young to speak up for herself. So I did it for her. Now that she's three, I have taught her to say loudly "Do NOT push me".

I have a right to protect my kid. If your kid has aggressive tendencies, I am not going to worry abput your hurt feelings. Especially not when my kid is on the top of the slide and your kid decides to hit/shove/push/bite/kick. From my point of view, if your kids hit or push another child while standing on firm ground, they will also do it when they are on higher ground, which is dangerous.

If you don't like other parents telling your aggressive kids to stay away from their kids, then keep them away until they learn to play nice. While biting, pushing or hitting is a normal phase for some kids to go through, my kids should not have to be your kid's victim while he/she learns. I don't care if it implies that you are not doing enough as a parent. I don't care if you have a 3-strike strategy or a "go home right now" strategy. My only concern is that my kid is not hurt, and not intimidated in the playground where she has every right to play.

YES! YES! YES!

In several threads lately, I have noticed what I see as a lack of recognition that there is a spectrum of behaviors.  There is a difference between actual aggressiveness and an excited young child not recognizing appropriate physical boundaries.  I absolutely agree - if there is an actual dangerous situation, or for some reason my kid is not in a position to defend himself, then immediate and swift action needs to be taken by the parent - shoving at the top of the slide was an example given earlier, or a child who strikes out in anger.  But if a kid gives my kid an overenthusiastic "hey I'm here" shove when they are standing on the ground, I'm not going to react as if my child has been "victimized" and jump in - my kids know we don't use hands to express ourselves, and are not shy about telling others that they don't like something and not playing with them if they don't like something.  I want them to know they don't need me to tell other people what they don't like. 

So, basically, my approach is to jump in and address the child if there is an actual safety issue, and support my child in what his reaction is if it's more an annoyance/boundary issue.

Poppea

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #28 on: July 06, 2013, 01:20:02 PM »
When Angel was 1.5 years old, another kid who was about 4, pushed her while they were climbing the stairs. I looked at him squarely in the eye and said, "Do NOT push her" very sternly. He never came near her again for the rest of playtime.

She was too young to speak up for herself. So I did it for her. Now that she's three, I have taught her to say loudly "Do NOT push me".

I have a right to protect my kid. If your kid has aggressive tendencies, I am not going to worry abput your hurt feelings. Especially not when my kid is on the top of the slide and your kid decides to hit/shove/push/bite/kick. From my point of view, if your kids hit or push another child while standing on firm ground, they will also do it when they are on higher ground, which is dangerous.

If you don't like other parents telling your aggressive kids to stay away from their kids, then keep them away until they learn to play nice. While biting, pushing or hitting is a normal phase for some kids to go through, my kids should not have to be your kid's victim while he/she learns. I don't care if it implies that you are not doing enough as a parent. I don't care if you have a 3-strike strategy or a "go home right now" strategy. My only concern is that my kid is not hurt, and not intimidated in the playground where she has every right to play.

YES! YES! YES!

DItto.  Another parent may think a shove or push is no big deal.  Which is fine until your kid shoves MY kid.  My standards are not negotiable when it comes to unwanted physical contact.  It is especially worrisome if the OP's daughter is being pushed by a boy.  It teaches her that mom won't protect her and that its okay for boys to do what they want.

edited for clarity
« Last Edit: July 07, 2013, 10:16:15 PM by Poppea »

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Re: Pushy kid- Literally
« Reply #29 on: July 06, 2013, 03:20:35 PM »
He is barely 2 with a limited vocabulary.  His mom, also with limited vocabulary, is trying but isn't effective yet.  My DD's have been victims of pushing, hitting ect when they were little and I looked at each incident and child individually instead of just screaming "BULLY!!"  Sometimes it is just a kid who is learning interactions, sometimes it is an ill behaved hellion.  My own younger DD who had speech delays used an interesting way to get her point across for a short time that wasn't acceptable.  Due to the age of the child, and the fact that it really doesn't sound like he is bullying, but trying to get attention,  and the fact the mom is there and does say something immediately, I would not speak to the child.  Make sure your child knows you see and understand, but maybe teach her that when he is coming up to her for her to say hi right away to acknowledge his presence.  Keep an eye on him, but he may do well modeling your DD's behavior.