Author Topic: Over-reaction?  (Read 3993 times)

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Snooks

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Over-reaction?
« on: July 04, 2013, 04:17:25 PM »
I fear I may have over-reacted to something at work today.  We have a support team who we deal with pretty much exclusively by email.  We have some crazy mad professional network internal thingy which basically attaches your photo to anything related to you in the system (emails, internal directory search).  I had an issue the support team were dealing with and when we were finishing up the guy sent me an email saying "Nice photo" and then a little later when dealing with the matter called me beautiful.  Now written down I realise this doesn't seem like much but it was totally out of left field and I was a bit creeped out by it.  I told him that I didn't think saying things like that at work were a good idea, he asked for clarification then apologised but asked if I minded.  Well I did mind but I didn't want to blow it out of all proportion so I said that no harm had been done but I thought he might want to bear it in mind for the future.  Did I massively over-react to some compliments?

guihong

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2013, 04:23:54 PM »
No, I think that took care of it beautifully (if I may say so  ;D). 



Sharnita

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2013, 04:32:47 PM »
I think you did him a favor by cluing him in.

Bales

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2013, 04:48:50 PM »
The nice photo e-mail was ok, kind of like someone in the office saying you look nice today.  But then the beautiful comment puts it into uncomfortable territory for me since that's unnecessary and a strong word about your physical appearance, even if a compliment, especially from someone you don't know.  Since you weren't rude in any way, you did not overreact.  And even if I or anyone else didn't think it should make you uncomfortable, if you were uncomfortable, that's what matters.

Library Dragon

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2013, 04:55:38 PM »
The nice photo e-mail was ok, kind of like someone in the office saying you look nice today.  But then the beautiful comment puts it into uncomfortable territory for me since that's unnecessary and a strong word about your physical appearance, even if a compliment, especially from someone you don't know.  Since you weren't rude in any way, you did not overreact.  And even if I or anyone else didn't think it should make you uncomfortable, if you were uncomfortable, that's what matters.

POD

Coupled with the "do you mind" question it is uncomfortable.  You wouldn't have mentioned it if you didn't mind. 

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bopper

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2013, 10:10:14 AM »
Nice photo was okay if he left it at that.
By saying "beautiful" he crossed from professional into personal which naturally made you feel uncomfortable as you had no prior relationship with this guy.
You said exactly the right thing...it is important that you let him know you thought it was inappropriate so hopefully he gets a clue. And if he further goes down this wrong path, you can tell mgt./HR that you let him know it was not appropriate but he kept doing it anyway.

EllenS

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2013, 10:55:54 AM »
The guy was hitting on you, that's why he asked if you "minded."  I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that if both people are OK with it, but you are NOT Ok with it, so that defines the situation.

He was trying to see whether you were flirting or actually saying "no".  You were, in fact, actually saying "no."

So if he continues, the answer would be: "I have told you before this is inappropriate.  If it happens again, I will escalate this to HR."

You did not over-react, you reacted perfectly appropriately to unwanted attentions.

Snooks

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2013, 01:04:24 PM »
He started a chat with me for no reason today. I'm off for a week now so hopefully he'll forget about me.

bopper

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #8 on: July 05, 2013, 04:54:35 PM »
He started a chat with me for no reason today. I'm off for a week now so hopefully he'll forget about me.

If he does that again, then say "Is this related to work? I am sorry but I have to finish the TPS report today."  and then look at your computer screen.  BE "all business" to him. Don't even chat about what is going on in accounting or about any work rumors with him. If he says anything inappropriate again then go to your boss and say that AwkwardDude had mentioned that you had a nice photo, which you were fine with, but then he called you beautiful. As you have no interest in him you told him that you thought that was not a good idea and that he should keep that in mind. Now he has said <whatever> and it is making you uncomfortable and how should you proceed?

Snooks

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #9 on: July 05, 2013, 05:00:14 PM »
He started a chat with me for no reason today. I'm off for a week now so hopefully he'll forget about me.

If he does that again, then say "Is this related to work? I am sorry but I have to finish the TPS report today."  and then look at your computer screen.  BE "all business" to him. Don't even chat about what is going on in accounting or about any work rumors with him. If he says anything inappropriate again then go to your boss and say that AwkwardDude had mentioned that you had a nice photo, which you were fine with, but then he called you beautiful. As you have no interest in him you told him that you thought that was not a good idea and that he should keep that in mind. Now he has said <whatever> and it is making you uncomfortable and how should you proceed?

All via instant message, we're not in the same office.  I've decided to just ask him straight away when he starts a chat what he needs help with.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #10 on: July 05, 2013, 06:26:41 PM »
Snooks, it looks as if he wants to ask you out. Any thoughts in how you'd deal with this?

TootsNYC

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #11 on: July 05, 2013, 07:27:45 PM »
He was SO totally testing where your boundaries were.
He was trying to find out where you'd draw the line.

That is absolutely what "do you mind?" was all about.
And I think a stronger response would have been, "yes."  (and nothing more)

Because you completely left the door open for this:

He started a chat with me for no reason today. I'm off for a week now so hopefully he'll forget about me.

If it were me, I'd be writing him back to say, "Please keep all our conversations work related. I'm not interested in a personal relationship with you."

And then I'd be bcc'ing someone in HR, and then going to them in person to say, "here's the sitch. I'm not filing any official complaint, I don't think, because I've just now told him directly that I'm not interested. But the truth is, he should not have put me in the position of having to SAY that to him, and for the sake of any of my coworkers, I wish someone official would tell him so."

Lynda_34

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2013, 02:02:20 AM »
"Please keep all our conversations work related. I'm not interested in a personal relationship with you."

This sounds like a great response except that he's going to suddenly pretend that you're the one ego tripping and he wasn't really hitting on you.

I like the cold - what do you need? or what can I help you with? and let it go at that.

amylouky

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2013, 01:56:19 PM »
I don't think you overreacted, yes, it sounds like he finds you attractive and is hitting on you, but it doesn't sound like it was horribly offensive, nor was  your response to him too harsh.
I think you could have responded to the "Do you mind?" with, "Actually, yes, I do.. I prefer to keep relationships at work professional." But I think what you said was perfectly okay, too.
I think answering his unsolicited chats with, "I'm sorry, did you need something?" would get the message across. And if he says anything else that you find inappropriate, a firmer "Please don't say things like that to me, I prefer to keep work relationships professional." Or a report to HR, if it's something more offensive.
I think that you are doing him a favor by pointing out that it's not appropriate. People can be really touchy. I work with someone who got reported to HR for smiling and saying, "Hello, ladies!" to a couple of co-workers in the hallway. And he's NOT the type to have said it suggestively.

bah12

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Re: Over-reaction?
« Reply #14 on: July 08, 2013, 02:01:13 PM »
I actually think you under-reacted.  You did well by letting him know that his comment was inappropriate.  For him to come and ask if you mind, just pushes it further.  The truth is, you do mind.  This isn't just a "don't do it at work" thing, but also it seems, "I'm not interested in at all, much less want to discuss things with you at work" thing.  The next time he converses with you for a non-work related thing, be very clear.  "I'm not interested.  If you do this again, I will report it.  Stop."