Just how old ARE you, anyway?

[Janice]

Ah, Fakebook drama. What is it about Facebook that makes most of the people I've observed on it act like narcissistic 12 year olds?

I avoid social media like the plague (although I work in tech and know a lot about it), and my dad is the same way. Both of us have specifically requested everyone we know who is on social media NOT to ever post photos or ANY information about us anywhere, period. My mom is only on FB so she can see photos of her grandkids; she never posts or comments on anything, and my sisteractually set up an account for her without even asking her permission first. My dad does not access this account, ever. This is important later.

My S recently attended a family event and took a photo of an unusual and valuable antique that my parents own. She then proceeded, without their permission or knowledge, to post it on her FB account, basically as a "look at ME!, my parents have X expensive item! That makes me important!!!" attention seeking post. My dad apparently found out and went ballistic, called my S and told her to remove it, that she should not have posted it and that she had been asked and had agreed not to post any info about him or my mother unless given permission. His reasoning is that this is a potential security issue in attracting thieves, and also it was NOT her property and he doesn't want everyone in her network gawping at his private business and and passing it around THEIR networks (which may or may not be private), let alone the fact that FB owns any content you post to it.

This isn't the first time she's pulled something like this. I've had her remove photos she took of me once or twice - I now just avoid being in pictures altogether when I know she has access to them. My S apparently threw a snit fit at my dad, told him he "didn't understand FB" or her privacy settings and then in retaliation defriended my mother, who hadn't been involved and was extremely upset about losing access to the photos which are her whole reason for being on there in the first place.

While my family tend to have drama queen tendencies and I neither know nor want to know exactly what was said (as I'm sure it was not etiquette approved), in this case I feel that my parents are justified in being very angry at her behavior. If my mom had done something, OK, I could see dragging her into it, but doing it over this is simple spite.

Hopefully it's now resolved (I think she refriended my mom) and nobody will bring up this incident to me again, but if my S does bring it up to me expecting me to commiserate about poor abused her, is there a polite way to tell her that she acted like a self-absorbed, spiteful pre-teen drama queen and that I don't want to hear anything about it because her behavior frankly disgusts me?

Probably not, but I thought it was worth asking.

[Zizi-K]

If she does bring it up again, I would reiterate the very logical and reasonable arguments your dad made, which is that it's not a good idea to advertise your belongings on FB, no matter what the privacy settings, because it's quickly becoming a way that thieves target properties. This is also a good reason not to advertise your vacations in advance (hello, I'll be away from home this week, feel free to stop by and steal stuff!). Any commentary about the subsequent fight, I would just leave that out of the conversation. "I'm sorry that you and dad had that fight, but I'm glad that you resolved it."

[RingTailedLemur]

let alone the fact that FB owns any content you post to it.

No, it doesn't.

Hopefully it's now resolved (I think she refriended my mom) and nobody will bring up this incident to me again, but if my S does bring it up to me expecting me to commiserate about poor abused her, is there a polite way to tell her that she acted like a self-absorbed, spiteful pre-teen drama queen and that I don't want to hear anything about it because her behavior frankly disgusts me?

No.  I think your best bet is to bean dip, because a) I don't think it's your fight and b)your sister and your parents are unlikely to ever see eye to eye on this.  Bean dip all the way.

[Sharnita]

Don't give your opinion or advice at all. Do not take sides (or at least fo not make it evident that yoy have taken a side).

[Janice]

I'm dusting off the beandip recipes now My sincere hope is that everyone involved in the fiasco is so ashamed of their terrible manners that they won't mention it to anyone again, but I doubt it.

let alone the fact that FB owns any content you post to it.

No, it doesn't.

If you actually read the legalese version of the TOS (not the plain English one), there are some nasty clauses. The Telegraph did a straightforward explanation of them, which I'm quoting below:

Specifically for photos and video uploaded to the site, Facebook has a license to use your content in any way it sees fit, with a license that goes beyond merely covering the operation of the service in its current form. Facebook can transfer or sub-license its rights over a user’s content to another company or organisation if needed. Facebook’s license does not end upon the deactivation or deletion of a user’s account, content is only released from this license once all other users that have interacted with the content have also broken their ties with it (for example, a photo or video shared or tagged with a group of friends).

So even if you "own" your content, you still don't have the right to forbid FB to make use of it.

[DottyG]

The "legalese" could also get the thread closed.  You might want to be careful.

[Piratelvr1121]

If she does bring it up again, I would reiterate the very logical and reasonable arguments your dad made, which is that it's not a good idea to advertise your belongings on FB, no matter what the privacy settings, because it's quickly becoming a way that thieves target properties. This is also a good reason not to advertise your vacations in advance (hello, I'll be away from home this week, feel free to stop by and steal stuff!). Any commentary about the subsequent fight, I would just leave that out of the conversation. "I'm sorry that you and dad had that fight, but I'm glad that you resolved it."

I know someone who does this and I just kind of shake my head, since that person has already lost his late wife's belongings when someone broke in while he was gone.

[Acadianna]

This is also a good reason not to advertise your vacations in advance (hello, I'll be away from home this week, feel free to stop by and steal stuff!)

In fact, I suggest avoiding the Facebook "check-in" feature for any absence at all.  A two-hour movie is plenty enough time for a burglar to empty a house of valuables.

We've been trying to get my husband to stop using check-in for quite a while now, without success.

[TootsNYC]

is there a polite way to tell her that she acted like a self-absorbed, spiteful pre-teen drama queen and that I don't want to hear anything about it because her behavior frankly disgusts me?

I can't think of any possible way to say this in any polite manner.

It's a flat-out insult.

Saying such a thing would be like dropping a nuclear bomb.

[Tea Drinker]

If I were going to get involved, my statement would be something like "what I understand is that any computer system can be hacked, and your privacy settings won't prevent that, no matter how carefully you set them. But neither hackers nor ordinary thieves can get at information that isn't there in the first place. I have asked you not to put any information about me, or photos of me, on Facebook. It's information about me, not about you. What part of that don't you understand?"

I would avoid any discussion of details of how Facebook privacy settings work, because they aren't the point. The point is that different people have different comfort levels: in this specific case the concern is partly about possible theft, but there are other reasons, and you don't need to justify your boundaries, any more than she needs your agreement before posting details about her own life that don't involve you.

[laceandbits]

Although I agree with the bean dip approach with the problem between your parents and your sister, if the situation arises again where she puts photos of you and yours on Facebook, ask her how she would feel if you put photos of her and her home up all over town, in shop windows and on trees and lamp posts because that is the pre-internet equivalent.  Which bit of "Don't do it" can't she understand? 

Otherwise, be a camera freak and not let her use one near you or the rest of the family.  Get everyone to keep moving as soon as it appears, keep their hands in front of their faces or turn their backs on her.

[Sharnita]

If I were going to get involved, my statement would be something like "what I understand is that any computer system can be hacked, and your privacy settings won't prevent that, no matter how carefully you set them. But neither hackers nor ordinary thieves can get at information that isn't there in the first place. I have asked you not to put any information about me, or photos of me, on Facebook. It's information about me, not about you. What part of that don't you understand?"

I would avoid any discussion of details of how Facebook privacy settings work, because they aren't the point. The point is that different people have different comfort levels: in this specific case the concern is partly about possible theft, but there are other reasons, and you don't need to justify your boundaries, any more than she needs your agreement before posting details about her own life that don't involve you.

I think OP is asking what to say if the incident with putting up a picture of dad's antique comes up.  I don't think she should say anything about info or photos about her because her sister didn't violate that.  In fact, bringing it up in relation to this incident would just be upping the ante in the argument.

[Janice]

I think OP is asking what to say if the incident with putting up a picture of dad's antique comes up. 

Thank you for the clarification. The etiquette question here is what do I say if and only if S brings this specific incident up to me and expects me to agree with her about my dad being unreasonable and how hard done by she is, woe, woe. You know the drill. 

I think the initial drama-fest has blown over now, so hopefully Evil Janice will remain in her cave.

[TootsNYC]

I think you can say, "well, actually, I agree with Dad, and it seems that if he asks you to take a photo down off Facebook, it's an easy enough thing to do, no? I don't know why you wouldn't do as he asks, even if you don't like it much."

And then say, "well, that's just how I react, and I really don't want to talk about it anymore."

You can say, "I'm not really a sympathetic listener for you on this topic, so it's best if you vent to someone else, I think."

[ladyknight1]

I think that anyone has a personal right to not have their pictures posted on the internet via social media, but I think that is a ever more difficult stance in this day and age.

I would stay out of S's dramatic situation.