Author Topic: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?  (Read 4873 times)

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Outdoor Girl

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #45 on: July 11, 2013, 01:11:59 PM »
I have one already in college and one about to start.  My involvement is getting them there and help them out with their first book purchases, since they need me to pay for that.  After that, my involvement with the school is if they expect me to pay, I need access to their end-of-semester grades.  If they want my money, then I need to know that they're passing their courses.

I think that is a perfectly fair policy.
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goldilocks

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #46 on: July 11, 2013, 03:47:06 PM »
OP here - I probably sounded more blase than I intended. 

I do pay for her college - but with the understanding that I have X number of dollars set aside, and once that's gone she needs to find another source.  I keep up with her grades enough to know that she is not completely wasting my money - we did have to make a "correction" after the first semester, but since then she has done fine.

She will give me a copy of her class schedule (so I know when not to call her), and we will talk every day.  But I will never ever go onto the website or join the parent's group!


TootsNYC

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #47 on: July 11, 2013, 08:16:40 PM »
I'm pretty hands-off, but I will say that I have sometimes said to my college kid: "Would you like me to take care of that financial/business thing for you? You seem pretty busy, and as long as I know what sorts of things you want, I'd be willing to serve as your secretary and make phone calls for you."


Heck, I don't even talk to my kid every day! I don't even talk to her every MONTH.

I'm always bemused by the parents I hear talking about their kid's college as if it's theirs. And they go buy the sweatshirt w/ the logo, and go to the games.

Our kid's college called us during their fund drive. I told the kid calling, "We give to *our* alma maters. When Grace graduates, she can decide whether she wants to give to hers."

Heck, I'm helping her pay an incredibly high tuition, so as far as I'm concerned, that's all the money I ever need to give them.

Bluenomi

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #48 on: July 11, 2013, 10:47:23 PM »
How are these kids ever going to learn to be grown ups and look after themselves if they have their parents running their lives when they are at uni?

My parents moved to the other side of the world in my first year of uni! They paid for my accomodation but everything else was up to me. As long as they knew I had a job and was passing classes they were happy to let me sort everything else like. You know, like the grown up I legally was.

I plan to be the same for DD. We'll pay her uni fees of we can afford it, help her set up if she moves out of home and generally let her run her life as she chooses.

Sharnita

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #49 on: July 12, 2013, 09:53:33 AM »
As far as going to games at your kids school, it could just be because they have a great team. 

I know there were also some safety concerns when my mom went to my orientation.  Right around that time there had been some news stories breaking about women on college campuses being assaulted and reporting it to campus safety, only to find out that meant the incident was handled by campus authorities and not the police.  While my mom was not paranoid she did want to make sure both she and I understood what safety options were available on campus as well as the procedures for reporting crimes.  Luckily that was never needed but I could understand why my mom wanted to clarify and make sure I was clear on it as well.



Roodabega

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #50 on: July 12, 2013, 10:02:19 AM »
My daughter is part of the band, so we will go to the home games to support her.  We were part of the few parents who actively supported the band during HS.  Even if we didn't actually talk to her on game days, it will be nice to watch her. 

I don't see anything wrong with getting a "University" Dad t-shirt or a general shirt.  I'm not sure I see how that's hovering or a source of amusement.

ladyknight1

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #51 on: July 12, 2013, 10:57:54 AM »
Our family attends games together because I work and attend my alma mater.

However, I have a co-irker that is constantly speaking of her children's college education as if it is hers, and makes all the decisions for her children when it comes to classes and scheduling.  :o

bopper

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #52 on: July 12, 2013, 11:15:59 AM »
The way i get involved with my daughter is
1) Show me your grades
2) Did you get credit for the high school IB classes they said you would get credit for?  I bugged her about that because it saved her a year of school.

fountainof

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #53 on: July 12, 2013, 11:17:54 AM »
My parents did not make my university decisions for me but like other posters they said they would pay for the courses required for the degree.  Being educators themselves they knew how many credit hours my program was and I was dropping classes and taking their funds and wasting them they would have been able to figure it out to quickly based on what they were paying.

They did however, do things like go to the campus the first time and map out how far buildings were apart to see if it was actually feasible to reach them and then for the first semester, the first day we went about a week ahead to map out the routes to my actual classes.  After that, I was on my own.  They never chose my courses, decided my schedule, checked my grades, etc.  They just helped with that initial anxiety of something new and taught me a few things and then let me go.  Just like with car maintenance, once I was 17 my Dad took me to the dealer once to show me and from then on it was my responsibility to maintain my car.

I am sure I will be similar to my parents as my goal with my DD is raise a functioning adult.  Even at 4, I require more involvement from her in the household than many parents do.  I refuse to be a slave to my child indefinitely, because while I love my DD, I have a life too and I have some of my own goals separate from her.

Lynn2000

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #54 on: July 12, 2013, 11:26:35 AM »
My daughter is part of the band, so we will go to the home games to support her.  We were part of the few parents who actively supported the band during HS.  Even if we didn't actually talk to her on game days, it will be nice to watch her. 

I don't see anything wrong with getting a "University" Dad t-shirt or a general shirt.  I'm not sure I see how that's hovering or a source of amusement.

Yes, some parents are very involved in the *college* in terms of going to games, wearing branded clothing, using allowed campus resources, etc., especially if they're alumni themselves. I don't see anything wrong with that. If possible I would want my parents to support me emotionally by showing up at University events where I was performing (like with the band or as an athlete). I don't think that would be hovering necessarily--although certainly some parents could take the excuse of coming over for a college game and use it to intrude on their child's schedule, interrogate them about their activities, etc..

To me, unhealthy hovering is something like reminding a college student to do their homework or study for a test, or contacting anyone at the University for them if there's a problem (unless it's some kind of emergency, or maybe if the parent has a question about the financial aspects they're responsible for). First semester freshman year there was a mix-up with my schedule and I had to go talk to a dean to get it resolved. I handled it all myself, though I'm sure I complained to my parents about it a lot. It's not that I instinctively knew what to do, I just contacted my adviser and was persistent until she told me to talk to Dean X, so I made an appointment with Dean X. IME most colleges have an extensive support system set up (sometimes TOO extensive!) to deal with the most common student problems; students should be able to figure out who to ask for help if they give it a try.
~Lynn2000

Judah

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #55 on: July 12, 2013, 11:38:39 AM »
I see wearing the sweatshirt and rooting for the team as being supportive. We had made plans to go to the Rose Parade/Bowl this year because DS's school was playing and he's in the band and it would be so much fun to watch DS.  We ended up not being able to make it, but it was about supporting DS in something that he enjoys, not about living vicariously through him or hovering. We probably wouldn't have even spoken to DS the whole time.
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Thipu1

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #56 on: July 12, 2013, 05:12:58 PM »
I see wearing the sweatshirt and rooting for the team as being supportive. We had made plans to go to the Rose Parade/Bowl this year because DS's school was playing and he's in the band and it would be so much fun to watch DS.  We ended up not being able to make it, but it was about supporting DS in something that he enjoys, not about living vicariously through him or hovering. We probably wouldn't have even spoken to DS the whole time.

In my mind, there's a big difference between parents putting decals on the car, buying logo sweatshirts or attending sporting events and being a helicopter parent. 

When we visit SIL and stop at the University bookstore, I've directly said to shop assistants that I would happily buy a shirt that said, 'I'm a Badger In-Law'.  Identifying with a school is fun.  It isn't the same as pretending you attended the place as a student. 

*inviteseller

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #57 on: July 13, 2013, 02:42:58 PM »
I think what you are doing is the best thing for your DD.  She knows you are there when she needs you, but she has to do things on her own. 

Jocelyn

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #58 on: July 14, 2013, 02:06:46 PM »
I have one already in college and one about to start.  My involvement is getting them there and help them out with their first book purchases, since they need me to pay for that.  After that, my involvement with the school is if they expect me to pay, I need access to their end-of-semester grades.  If they want my money, then I need to know that they're passing their courses.

I think that is a perfectly fair policy.
My sister and BIL had the rule that their kids had to pay for the first semester of college all by themselves- with reimbursement conditional upon a satisfactory grade report. Good grades in the first semester, you got your money in time to pay for the second semester, and so on.
I had a friend who went off to college and, as she says, spent her first semester 'Cokin' and jokin'' in the student union. When her grades arrived, her father looked at them, and said, 'I hope you have a plan for paying for the rest of your education.'  I'm sure he would be gratified to know that she went on to finish her Ph.D. last year. :)


(for those who may not be familiar with the expression, Cokin' and jokin' means sitting around with your friends, consuming the official soft drink of the South  ::) and just having a good time. She said she learned more about playing cards than about her classes that semester.)

Jocelyn

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Re: confusing college visit AKA am i a bad mother?
« Reply #59 on: July 14, 2013, 02:17:46 PM »
I have never had to deal with a true helicopter parent, thank goodness, and in all honesty, I'd only deal with one once.  >:D
I've done a fair number of high school orientation visits, where the parents arrived, and part of what I do there is to convince the parents that there ARE people on campus who are ready, willing and able to guide their child, and it is important for their child to learn to use an advisor properly. They don't need a parental advocate coming up to fight their battles for them, they need their advisor coaching them through the process. I think it's reassuring to parents to know there's someone who will help their kid- and the helicopter tends to land after I give the talk about an important part of college is learning how to manage your life as an adult. But then,  as a social worker and former family therapist, I'm comfortable doing this in a way that a chemistry professor might not be.  :)