Author Topic: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings  (Read 14528 times)

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*inviteseller

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #30 on: July 15, 2013, 06:08:45 PM »
Harriet..when she started packing her bag and saying she was leaving she wouldn't tell me where she would be, just that she decided she needed to move out and 'get on with her life'.  I asked her if she was going back to finish her GED and she said she didn't know, I then found out she had withdrawn from classes, so I told her no school=no phone and she would lose it July 25 and she said she didn't care.  Yes, I do have a way to get in touch with her, but she is 18, decided she wanted to life her life so truthfully, it is her responsibility to keep in touch with me, not the other way around.

EllenS

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #31 on: July 15, 2013, 06:11:14 PM »
Not as a point of etiquette but general principle in relationships, it might be a good idea not to make any big decisions or gestures while you are still upset.

It sounds like a very hurtful situation and I hope things work out well between you in the long run.
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Outdoor Girl

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #32 on: July 15, 2013, 06:22:14 PM »
If she has already been given a cut-off date of July 25th, I wouldn't bother to talk to her about it and I would just cut it off next week.  I don't think she believes you'll do it and I think it is important for her to find out that yes, you will.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
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*inviteseller

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #33 on: July 15, 2013, 06:33:06 PM »
I am not hurt or angry...I knew she was going to do this because it is all she has talked about since December.  I am actually amused.  The phone deal was in place since she had the phone at 15.

jpcher

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #34 on: July 15, 2013, 07:14:27 PM »
I would not be too hard on her, though.  This is a huge change in roles and relationship, it is not easy for anybody, it is emotional, and this is a lot of "firsts" for her. It's kind of like being a mom with your first newborn baby - you may have some idea of what needs to happen, but you've just never done it before.  There's a learning curve.  Hope it works out well for both of you.

Bold above: I'm taking that to be DD being the new mom with a first newborn -- she has a lot to learn about things she never did before.

Although it can also be taken that OP also has a lot to learn, which is true. OP, you've never cut the apron strings before so all of a sudden, life is quite different.

Yes, there is a huge learning curve for both of you.


I have adopted a very neutral tone when she starts whining and when she is done with whatever rant I just say "And what do you think you should do?". 

Personally, I like what you're doing. I think you should keep a strong attitude and, yes, I do think you should cancel the cell phone.

I also think you could show a gentle side* . . . remind your DD things like "Hey, if you really need me, I'll be there for you." and "Kiddo, you know I love you. You're going through a tough time. Guess what? Being an adult is tough!"

Tell her about some of your mistakes so that she doesn't see you as super-mom that automatically knows everything.

At the end of her rants, try to build her confidence "I know you can do it! You've done this that and the otherthing. You're already making progress!"

Even compliment her hair! Tell her that you never would have had the guts to do that when you were 18. (Yeah, okay, try not to giggle.)

Invite her out to dinner and/or a movie or shopping. You know, a girls get-together. Ask her about life in general . . . not what she needs, but what are her dreams? Tell her that when you were 18 you always dreamed about going skydiving (or whatever) . . .

She want's to be an adult. Respect her as one.



If, when you're out to lunch/dinner/whatever, she starts ranting on "you're so mean! You took my phone away!" Simply hold up your hand and say "I don't allow my friends to treat me that way." Then bean-dip and continue on with a friendly conversation.


*I'm just throwing out thoughts and ideas. I'm not a counselor nor do I watch a lot of TV, but sometimes being a parent means cutting the apron strings and allowing the child to learn to be themselves . . . even though you grit your teeth, sometimes you just have to let them know that you are proud of them.


*inviteseller

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #35 on: July 15, 2013, 07:30:06 PM »
She knows the door is open.  I made that clear, but she also knows while I am willing to support her, she has to be in school and follow basic house rules.  Her therapist called me the other day because DD wouldn't take her calls and she told me to just keep making her take responsibility for her actions.  I wish she would go out with me to dinner, but she wouldn't even come back for her grandfather's birthday last week..and due to his health, we know it will be his last.   I haven't yet said to her "I told you so" but my inner voice screeches it, repeatedly ;D ;D

Her latest FB post is whining that the friend they are staying with is <gasp> making her pay rent or get out!  She is shocked!  Shocked I say, that she will have to contribute financially.  I am cackling like a maniac. 

Arrynne

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #36 on: July 16, 2013, 12:33:26 PM »
....and she has to dye her hair back to a normal color. You see, my non thinker decided for her 18th birthday she was going to dye her (natural and beautiful blonde)hair smurf blue! 

The nice thing about hair rebellion, is it's easy to dye it back to a normal color. 

I'm 35 and just dyed my hair purple.  :) Completely out of character for me (I had completely virgin hair until I was 30).  The big difference for me is I already have a job. Plus I work from home, so no one has to see it.

I think you did great regarding the medicine.  She needs to take responsibility for her own health. 

ladyknight1

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #37 on: July 16, 2013, 02:44:30 PM »
The phone would be cut off now, if this was my child. I would have laughed after the black shoes/blue hair conversation as well.  >:D

siamesecat2965

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #38 on: July 16, 2013, 03:37:28 PM »
I wish my CW had the backbone you do. Her child is 19; basically flunked out of first semester of college, and was put on academic probation. She got quite ill over the holidays, and as a result, missed the first couple weeks of school. And then dropped out. No refund since she couldnít get medical leave due to her ac pro, and they lost the tuition.

Child is lazy, entitled, spoiled, and CW cannot stand up to her. Oh, manipulative as well. But she made absolutely no attempt to even try and catch up, and CW said, but she missed so much and is still recovering. If that were me, my parents would have made me at least try, and if not, take a couple of incompletes. It could have been done.  And if I said no, and still dropped out, they would have then told me, well, you'd better get a job and come up with a plan to pay us back!  But CW just let her do what she wanted.

So she took ONE class at community college, but has no job. Managed to total ďherĒ car, supposedly NOT her fault, but has been subpoenaed to appear in court re: the accident so Iím suspecting we didnít get the full story.

New car was purchased, why I donít know since she has no job and isnít taking any classes. Oh, but in a month, sheís moving south to the beach to live in the family condo, and go to school there. Still with no job, and mooching off CW. I hear her every day on the phone and I want to scream. She is not helping child at all, and child will continue to mooch.

*inviteseller

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #39 on: July 19, 2013, 02:12:50 PM »
Bad day in Black Rock for Miss I am an Adult..told her the phone is definitely gone July 25 (next billing cycle) due to her reneging on our deal.  She blew up and said I was the worst mom in the world (is their an award ceremony for that?) and then she put a rambling rant on FB because the people they are flopping with left her a snarky note about coming up with August's portion of rent and about cleaning up after themselves (her and her gf).  I said nothing..but oh I cackled like a crazy woman.  This was followed by a post that said she hates being an adult because no one would help her out and were being mean to her (me..me I bet she meant me!!!).  Again..commence loon laughter.  I did ask her when she called if she actually thought about what she posts before hitting send because it could bite her in the butt...

Harriet Jones

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #40 on: July 19, 2013, 02:18:28 PM »
I guess she's still a ways from learning what being a grown-up means  ::)

*inviteseller

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #41 on: July 19, 2013, 02:35:16 PM »
My sister asked me this morning when I thought she would come back with her tail between her legs..I said if the people she is living with see her nasty FB post about how disrespectful they are to her, this afternoon  lol!!  I also switched bedrooms between her and other DD..she doesn't want to be here, she gets her stuff stored in the small room and little one gets the bigger room.  She was actually ok with that (not that she had a choice).

Amara

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #42 on: July 19, 2013, 03:04:37 PM »
I'll bet you're gonna have chores and responsibilities and all kind of fun things for her if she returns. >:D

You are such a mean mom! ;)






Reason for edit: prettier formatting.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2013, 03:06:15 PM by Amara »

ladyknight1

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #43 on: July 19, 2013, 03:07:50 PM »
Bad day in Black Rock for Miss I am an Adult..told her the phone is definitely gone July 25 (next billing cycle) due to her reneging on our deal.  She blew up and said I was the worst mom in the world (is their an award ceremony for that?) and then she put a rambling rant on FB because the people they are flopping with left her a snarky note about coming up with August's portion of rent and about cleaning up after themselves (her and her gf).  I said nothing..but oh I cackled like a crazy woman.  This was followed by a post that said she hates being an adult because no one would help her out and were being mean to her (me..me I bet she meant me!!!).  Again..commence loon laughter.  I did ask her when she called if she actually thought about what she posts before hitting send because it could bite her in the butt...

The award ceremony involves a sparkling tiara, an adult beverage and a pedicure.

*inviteseller

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #44 on: July 19, 2013, 03:29:31 PM »
Amara - chores is the worst cuss word for her!  She is to pick up after herself, but that never happens and it seems to be getting her in trouble where she is staying.  TBH, she is an entitlement minded little brat..it is not how she was raised, but it is how she sees the world.  Her dad was the same way.

ladyknight - yeeehaaaa  I love tiara's and drinks and pampering!