Author Topic: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings  (Read 10821 times)

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cwm

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #45 on: July 19, 2013, 03:43:41 PM »
Inviteseller, you're a lot nicer than my mom was! Then again, I was in college or had a job while I've lived on my own, so there is that.

I mean, she is right about one thing. It's hard being an adult. Especially when you still want to act like a child.

Don't get me wrong, the best part of living away from my mom is not having chores, but it's general upkeep of the shared space then. And in just over a week I'll be on my own. I'll only have one person to complain about if it gets dirty, and that'll be ME.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #46 on: July 19, 2013, 03:57:11 PM »
Invite me to the ceremony!  I'm not a mom but I'd be happy to provide mojitos.  ;D

*inviteseller, I think you are the meanest Mom in the world, a la that old Ann Landers column that is still taped up inside one of my Mom's cupboards and she's been dead for 10 years.  Good for you!
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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Lynn2000

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #47 on: July 19, 2013, 04:25:55 PM »
It sounds like DD is really having a tough time, but I hope it will be good for her in the end. Sometimes it seems like kids won't listen to even the most sensible, basic advice if it comes from their parents, but when they hear the same thing from their peers (you need to clean up after yourself and pay some rent) or potential employers (you can't work here with hair that color) it might stick better. Also I've found that sometimes it doesn't seem like someone is listening to me (and with social media it's easy for them to post a rant as evidence!) but they'll end up thinking it over and a week later or so it might have sunk in. In ten years she will probably look back on this time and be completely mortified--I know *I* am, and I wasn't nearly that bad...  ::)
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Lady Snowdon

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #48 on: July 19, 2013, 04:39:11 PM »
I'm sorry *inviteseller, you can't possibly be the worst mom in the world.  That would be my mom, who upon finding out that I'd spent up to the limit on my credit card at age 19, made me take every bit of earnings from my summer job that year and pay it off in full.  Can you imagine such meanness?!  I didn't have any fun money to take back to college with me and had to keep my student job and get by on that!

Now that I think about it, I probably should thank her for that.  Not that my financial spending is well reined in by any means, but at least now I know what kind of work it takes to pay things off. 

*inviteseller

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #49 on: July 19, 2013, 04:50:42 PM »
I fear of her getting a credit card because she is so irresponsible.  I had fraud alerts on her social security number as a child (ex hubby gleefully used mine, and I didn't want him to do it to her) but I am not sure if that extends past her 18th birthday.  Her gf screwed up her credit so bad that at 19 she can't rent an apartment or get a car.

CakeBeret

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #50 on: July 19, 2013, 05:39:50 PM »
(((hugs))) inviteseller - the lessons she learns from this will be invaluable. And she will make the transition to responsible, reasonable adult eventually. You're doing a fine job.
"From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful."

jedikaiti

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #51 on: July 19, 2013, 05:42:43 PM »
Sometimes tough love is the best love. I have one friend who's still a bit clueless, but his clue meter started reading a lot higher after his parents kicked him out and made him live on his own!
"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture

*inviteseller

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #52 on: July 19, 2013, 06:25:33 PM »
Thanks CakeBeret..you have more confidence in her than I do   ::)  She has no education, no drive, everything is someone else's fault, and she is not taking her meds.  But she says I am horrible..and I know I am.   I mean, I expect her to get her schooling finished, be respectful, see her therapist, and take her meds..I am a monster!!   ;D  There will, I'm sure, be someone who thinks I need to do more or help more, but I told her NOT to move out, I was willing to fully support her while she did her schooling but she knows better so now I am just sitting back enjoying the show.  As far as her listening to her friends..nope..she has managed to alienate them all at this point because they gave her the same advise as I did, so that meant they had crossed over to the dark side  >:D

Carotte

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #53 on: July 19, 2013, 06:55:40 PM »
Thanks CakeBeret..you have more confidence in her than I do   ::)  She has no education, no drive, everything is someone else's fault, and she is not taking her meds.  But she says I am horrible..and I know I am.   I mean, I expect her to get her schooling finished, be respectful, see her therapist, and take her meds..I am a monster!!   ;D  There will, I'm sure, be someone who thinks I need to do more or help more, but I told her NOT to move out, I was willing to fully support her while she did her schooling but she knows better so now I am just sitting back enjoying the show.  As far as her listening to her friends..nope..she has managed to alienate them all at this point because they gave her the same advise as I did, so that meant they had crossed over to the dark side  >:D

You might want to direct your daughter to them then, so that they can help her. :)
Quite frankly and from someone still depending on my parents (at 25) you are doing the best thing possible to your child . It might take years, but hopefully she will fully come around and thank you for it.

jpcher

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #54 on: July 19, 2013, 07:54:08 PM »
There will, I'm sure, be someone who thinks I need to do more or help more, but I told her NOT to move out, I was willing to fully support her while she did her schooling but she knows better so now I am just sitting back enjoying the show.  As far as her listening to her friends..nope..she has managed to alienate them all at this point because they gave her the same advise as I did, so that meant they had crossed over to the dark side  >:D

Bold above, I think you're talking about me due to my prior post.

It was your prior and continual comments such as "Laughing like a loon" and the green above "enjoying the show" that makes me cringe a bit. Maybe this is just your way of dealing with the situation, but personally? I would be crying my eyeballs out.

That being said, I still think you're doing the right thing. I give you strong (((encouraging))) hugs.

You're handling this way better than I would.

*inviteseller

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #55 on: July 19, 2013, 11:29:57 PM »
No no no jpcher..I should have been more specific and said in real life.  And yes, it does sound heartless to say I am just laughing at her so I will give a bit of background.  My DD has battled some mental health issues, the last 2 years have been a series of hospitalizations and placements.  We have been through so much family therapy, I almost have a degree now myself  ;D.  Her therapists have stressed the fact that she needed to take responsibility for her actions and to make plausible life goals instead of just doing what she wanted when she wanted then flying off the handle and blaming me when it all went south.  They stressed that she was almost an adult and once she turned 18, I could be her advisor, but I could no longer step in and clean up after her and they stressed to me I had to cut the strings and let her sink or swim.  She repeatedly said she knew better than me and I was not going to hold her back.  She was getting in a good place..GED classes, a small part time job, but her gf, who has made her own series of bad decisions convinced her when my DD turned 18 to live in the land of unicorns and rainbows with her.  2 girls, no jobs, one effectively homeless and living in her car until it got towed away for expired registration/plates, one with no education past 11th grade, but 2 weeks away from her GED test, couch surfing and wearing out their welcome every where they go.  I can't do anything but sit back and laugh because not only did I, but her friends, my friends, relatives try to talk her out of this but she told me she could make it on her own just fine.  I worry about her, I love her, I will welcome her back (once) but I will also let her make these choices on her own.  She has had lifelong education about school, work ethics, personal responsibility, credit responsibility..now it is up to her. 

greencat

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #56 on: July 19, 2013, 11:52:40 PM »
As someone who works extensively with new adults, I have to say - you are a good mom.  Most of the parents I have to deal with in my job have helicopter blades whirling overhead, and it's refreshing to see someone being a good parent and making their offspring take responsibility.

Minmom3

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #57 on: July 20, 2013, 12:18:55 AM »
As someone who works extensively with new adults, I have to say - you are a good mom.  Most of the parents I have to deal with in my job have helicopter blades whirling overhead, and it's refreshing to see someone being a good parent and making their offspring take responsibility.

I agree wholeheartedly.  There is only so much you CAN do to help somebody who not only does not WANT your help, he/she thinks you're stupid.  Life is hard, and coddling people isn't an effective parenting method for producing capable adults.  So, you do what you can, and then you sit back and alternate between laughing and crying, because the alternative is crying ALL THE TIME.  You love that person, and you really want them to do well and succeed at life.  But they aren't a puppet, and you have to cut the strings and let them get on with it as best they can.  It's not fun having a family member like that...   :'(
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*inviteseller

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #58 on: July 20, 2013, 01:07:53 AM »
You know, strange as this sounds..I am not sad and I am not angry.  I went through so many levels of grief when she had to be put into the mental facility (who wants their DD to spend her sweet 16 behind 2 sets of locked doors???) but I had to adjust my thinking and my dreams for her future.  Lots of therapy on my own have made me realize I can show her right from wrong, but I can't make her do them at this juncture in her life.  It is now all up to her.  Her bff told me recently she does know what I have taught her..just can't figure out how she has to use it.  The gales of loon laughter are coming from her griping about having to pay rent <gasp> and clean up after herself <double gasp> and the comment she made the other day that being 18 and an adult was sooooo hard. 

A.P. Wulfric

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Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #59 on: July 20, 2013, 12:04:03 PM »
There will, I'm sure, be someone who thinks I need to do more or help more, but I told her NOT to move out, I was willing to fully support her while she did her schooling but she knows better so now I am just sitting back enjoying the show.  As far as her listening to her friends..nope..she has managed to alienate them all at this point because they gave her the same advise as I did, so that meant they had crossed over to the dark side  >:D

Bold above, I think you're talking about me due to my prior post.

It was your prior and continual comments such as "Laughing like a loon" and the green above "enjoying the show" that makes me cringe a bit. Maybe this is just your way of dealing with the situation, but personally? I would be crying my eyeballs out.

That being said, I still think you're doing the right thing. I give you strong (((encouraging))) hugs.

You're handling this way better than I would.

I don't think there is anything wrong with how inviteseller is reacting, I mean, it might be cathartic for her to laugh at times like this, because, well, what else can you do? It's like throwing your hands in the air.

I think from your posts about your daughters-you are very protective over them and how they react to the "real" world.  It seems that the OP has learned the hard way that tough love is the only way her daughter will adapt to the world.  Better now than years down the road.  Different strokes, different folks.