Author Topic: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings  (Read 13268 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

EllenS

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1368
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #60 on: July 20, 2013, 02:01:17 PM »
A.P. Wulfric, personal remarks are rude IRL and especially rude when they have nothing to do with the OP, but are criticizing other posters family relationships, as you perceive them.

A.P. Wulfric

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 905
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #61 on: July 20, 2013, 04:45:51 PM »
Ellen-I disagree.

One poster is upset at how the OP is taking her own, personal situation.

I state that because she raises her kids differently, she has her own take on this. 

I have read this board for years, and have read many threads about how people parent their kids.  My observation is simply that, my observation. I didn't' criticize anyone, I simply stated it.  You may disagree. That's your prerogative, but your post came across as very preachy, and that is rude.

jpcher

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8608
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #62 on: July 20, 2013, 05:56:34 PM »
There will, I'm sure, be someone who thinks I need to do more or help more, but I told her NOT to move out, I was willing to fully support her while she did her schooling but she knows better so now I am just sitting back enjoying the show.  As far as her listening to her friends..nope..she has managed to alienate them all at this point because they gave her the same advise as I did, so that meant they had crossed over to the dark side  >:D

Bold above, I think you're talking about me due to my prior post.

It was your prior and continual comments such as "Laughing like a loon" and the green above "enjoying the show" that makes me cringe a bit. Maybe this is just your way of dealing with the situation, but personally? I would be crying my eyeballs out.

That being said, I still think you're doing the right thing. I give you strong (((encouraging))) hugs.

You're handling this way better than I would.

I don't think there is anything wrong with how inviteseller is reacting, I mean, it might be cathartic for her to laugh at times like this, because, well, what else can you do? It's like throwing your hands in the air.

I think from your posts about your daughters-you are very protective over them and how they react to the "real" world.  It seems that the OP has learned the hard way that tough love is the only way her daughter will adapt to the world.  Better now than years down the road.  Different strokes, different folks.

I completely agree with you, A.P. Wulfric -- My questions were posted simply for further understanding. I probably should have made that clear in earlier posts.

In all of my posts, I agreed with OP and other posters that *inviteseller was doing the right thing.



While I don't have this type of problem with my own DDs, there is a friend of theirs that they've known since 3rd grade who is on the same path as OP's daughter. I've posted about her before, Tina.

Tina has been through counseling many times, quit HS, has been on the homeless path (crashing on other peoples couches) and even asked me if she could live with us for a while.

When Tina asked to live with us, I said no problem and I gave Tina the same caveats that *inviteseller gave her own DD . . . sign up for GED classes, look for a job and most definitely help out with the daily chores. This lasted for a little over a week, then Tina found somewhere else to live.

I talked to Tina's mom. She said "Oh. So Tina's still alive. That's good to know. I haven't heard from her in 5 months. Thanks for calling." (there was more to this conversation)


Now, reading this thread, I'm beginning to understand why Tina's mom acted the way she did.


One poster is upset at how the OP is taking her own, personal situation.

No, I'm not upset at how the OP is handling this situation. I'm simply trying to understand. I was surprised at Tina's mom's comments and OP's "laughing like a loon" . . . but it's all coming together for me.


Thanks for posting this thread, *inviteseller.



I wish you the best . . . please keep us posted.

A.P. Wulfric

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 905
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #63 on: July 20, 2013, 06:18:05 PM »
Sorry to have misread that then! It's so hard to see other people and let them fall, it's what works. I had the same situation with my niece who lived with us years ago. Some people thought her mom was heinous for shipping her 3000 miles away. She did what she thought was right, and now, 6 years later, niece, now 20, thinks it was right too.

*inviteseller

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1821
  • I am Queen Mommy
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #64 on: July 20, 2013, 07:29:12 PM »
When my DD first went into intense treatment, I also was shocked at how some parents rarely visited ( I was there every day) or joined in the family support group but I finally got it.  You can only bang your head against the wall so long before you say "I have done all I can, now it is your turn" .  And I laugh because all she is moan and groan about her situation, one she put herself in, one she knows she does not have to be in, but she is too dingdangity stubborn to admit it.  I stuck with her till she turned 18, but now, it is her life and she knows what I have to offer to her and she chooses not to take it.  So now, I pop the popcorn, get a nice cold drink and watch the show.  I cannot keep saving her from herself because she will never learn and turn out like her father..who lived in his mother's basement until he died in February.

Iris

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3867
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #65 on: July 20, 2013, 07:38:17 PM »
I know it's not what you asked for, but (((hugs))). It is HARD when you have a child with a mental illness and you have to let them transition to adulthood and self care. I'm approaching that time with my own DD, although from a different perspective. It sounds like your daughter simply does not learn from others' experiences or advice and is going to have to do every darn thing the hard way for herself. You are absolutely doing the right thing for her long term benefit, so good for you.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

Softly Spoken

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 604
  • "I am a hawk on a cliff..."
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #66 on: July 20, 2013, 08:06:30 PM »
I haven't read through the whole thread yet but I had to add my two cents that OP you are doing the right thing.

I am speaking as a daughter and not a parent. I personally experienced sort of the opposite of this...I was nearly strangled with the proverbial apron strings - except, since my mom was the Bad Cop and my dad spoiled me it wasn't an apron...what would the fatherly equivalent of apron strings be? Belt loops? :P
I was sheltered too much growing up, and not encouraged to be independent. I am taking a crash course in it now out of necessity, but I really harbor some resentment that my parents didn't put more effort into preparing me for Real Life. That being said, they did the best they could with what they had. At some point it is out of their hands, and squarely in mine.
OP, you will never stop being Mom but (IMHO) at some point the actual designated duties that come with that title are supposed to change dramatically. By the time your child is a certain age, you have basically been retired from active duty and are only on call for larger emergencies and informational updates.
When children are trying to make it on their own, parents can still be consulted for advice but they shouldn't be expected to fix problems directly. When my water heater broke last month I called my Dad - who gave me the number of a good repair company. I didn't expect him to come rushing over with his tool box. ::) I have found myself calling him and saying "So when you had [typical homeowner-related problem] how did you deal with it?" - so I would know how to do it myself.

You gave your daughter all the help she should expect in the situation. You gave her good advice. You offered to do what you could within reason. It isn't your job to "fix" everything for your daughter - I don't think it would be no matter what her age or situation.

I have been learning that being on your own can really really suck - that's just part of the deal. I've also learned that there is nothing quite like the feeling of triumph one gets from meeting a challenge or overcoming an obstacle on their own. I recently purchased a table and put it together by myself. Took a long time, it wobbles and there was much profanity and bargains with either Deity or the Other Guy towards the end...but I did it!  8)

If someone is complaining about the responsibilities of adulthood instead of celebrating their opportunities to be independent...then they still have some more growing to do.  :-\

~*~*~*~*
Just caught the last couple posts...I missed the mental illness angle guess I haven't read that far. I am battling depression and anxiety myself, while recovering from PTSD. Sometimes my independence causes my stress...but often it is what helps my mental health. I am feeling more in control of my life because I literally have to be in control of it now. Being responsible for my own health and well-being is terrifying and yet very empowering. I am proud of myself for both finding, and taking advantage of, the support and resources that are available to me. I hope your daughter can eventually do the same.
((((hugs))))
"... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
-William Shakespeare

"We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't."  ~Frank A. Clark

*inviteseller

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1821
  • I am Queen Mommy
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #67 on: July 20, 2013, 10:27:11 PM »
My dad bought me a beautiful glass front tv stand.  Gave it to me in the box and said "make sure you read the directions".   ??? The directions mixed up 2 steps and were not written well, but I did it myself (did you know that swearing loudly makes screws turn better?).  My ex husband always complained because he said I didn't need him..he wanted some simpering little girl I guess, but Daddy raised a strong woman because he made me do for myself.  Hated it growing up, thank him every day for it now.  I worked with a lovely woman who was so dingdangity coddled growing up..she has trouble when people do not bow to her now.  I say you start loosening those apron strings (or in mine and Softly Spoken's case with our dad's, neckties) when they start walking..little things all the time so that by the time they are ready to go out to college or whatever, while not perfect, the kids can handle day to day life without constantly running home to mom and dad to fix everything.  I'm 47 and still ask my dad's advice on some things, and with his health deteriorating quickly, I am faced with not having my sounding board, but he has given me enough knowledge that I can just go through my mental files of his advice over the years and muddle through if I hit a snag.

siamesecat2965

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8643
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #68 on: July 21, 2013, 11:07:39 AM »
My dad bought me a beautiful glass front tv stand.  Gave it to me in the box and said "make sure you read the directions".   ??? The directions mixed up 2 steps and were not written well, but I did it myself (did you know that swearing loudly makes screws turn better?).  My ex husband always complained because he said I didn't need him..he wanted some simpering little girl I guess, but Daddy raised a strong woman because he made me do for myself.  Hated it growing up, thank him every day for it now.  I worked with a lovely woman who was so dingdangity coddled growing up..she has trouble when people do not bow to her now.  I say you start loosening those apron strings (or in mine and Softly Spoken's case with our dad's, neckties) when they start walking..little things all the time so that by the time they are ready to go out to college or whatever, while not perfect, the kids can handle day to day life without constantly running home to mom and dad to fix everything.  I'm 47 and still ask my dad's advice on some things, and with his health deteriorating quickly, I am faced with not having my sounding board, but he has given me enough knowledge that I can just go through my mental files of his advice over the years and muddle through if I hit a snag.

I am very much like you are. I'm also 47, and have lived on my own for 20+ years. each time I moved, my dad did come help me do things, hang a heavy mirror, a curio shelf, etc. and while he did most of the actual work, he also showed me step by step, so i could possible do it myself the next time. which I will have to, since he passed away about 6 years ago. I'd also call him and ask his advice as to how to deal with stuff until my landlord could get to it. But I'm very independent. But I do miss him and being able to bounce things off of him. he did teach me though, that you have to at least try and figure it out yourself, or, in the case of cars, be aware of what needs to be done, when, and so on.

As for your DD, I have a friend who has a DD who is 23 or 24. had many issues growing up, and spent time in a residential treatment facility for teens with issues. She continually says she loves her DD, but she won't enable her poor choices. Much like you are doing. Child was allowed to live at home as long as she abided by the house rules, but decided they were too "strict" and left. She now lives several states away, and is kind of getting it together but still has trouble with such things as holding a job, paying rent, and other issues relating to personal responsibiltiy. its never HER fault, but someone elses. So my friends just sort of sits back, and gives what support she can, but other than that, lets her alone.

weeblewobble

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3266
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #69 on: July 21, 2013, 09:24:03 PM »
I think you're doing the right thing.  Honestly, it sounds like your daughter has a case of, "I'm an ADULT! I don't have to abide by your stupid rules!... But you should still care of all of the little details for me!"

One of my mother's coworkers, Stephanie, could use a dose of your fortitude. Her oldest daughter, Becky, has some mental health issues, which have allowed the daughter to manipulate the parents out of holding any boundaries with her or enforce any plans for completing educational/treatment programs.  Stephanie and her husband try to draw a hard line with her, Becky threatens self-harm, they back off. And when her therapists recommend solutions, Stephanie, refuses to follow their advice, stating that the solution won't work for some reason. So they remain in an unhealthy cycle. Becky lives at home, doesn't have a job, doesn't go to school, but has plenty of time to shop online (with mom and dad's credit cards), and drive mom and dad's cars, since she totaled the one her parents bought her. ETA: Even my mom, whose coddling of my baby brother, Ted, is the stuff of Ehell legend, says, "Wow, that's messed up."

What's worse, is there's a younger daughter in the house, Jenny, who is more functional and a good student.  But Becky latched onto Jenny, claiming that she couldn't cope unless Jenny is sitting at home with her, keeping her company. (Imagine a "companion" that a pampered daughter might enjoy in a Jane Austen novel. Becky sits around on the couch, watching TV, Jenny sits there watching Becky watch TV. If Jenny tries to read or work on her laptop or direct her attention elsewhere, Becky pitches a fit.)

I suspect that Becky is jealous that Jenny has lots of friends and enjoyed school and was trying to keep her from enjoying her senior year. Jenny missed out on a lot of socializing in her last year of high school because "Becky needed her." Becky even tried to prevent Jenny from leaving for college this fall, because she wanted Jenny to stay home with her. And Stephanie actually asked Jenny to consider deferring for a year and going to a local community college until Becky "got back on her feet!"

Thank goodness Jenny refused and the dad backed her.  Because Becky is never going to "get back on her feet" as long as she's allowed to do what she pleases. I don't even think Stephanie really wanted Jenny to stay home from college, but she's so used to appeasing Becky that she can't pull out of the cycle.

So really, you're doing the right thing.  Your daughter needs to understand how the world works. She can't sneer at you and your stupid rules, then beg mommy to fix everything for her. Stay strong.
« Last Edit: July 21, 2013, 09:44:51 PM by weeblewobble »

*inviteseller

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1821
  • I am Queen Mommy
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #70 on: July 21, 2013, 11:03:37 PM »
weeblewobble..that story is horrible!!!  Poor Jenny!  It is easy to give into the manipulations.  I was headed down that road, but, as hard as it was for me, I finally called for help.  It was her therapists that shined up my spine..simply put, they told me I could make excuses which would mean neither of us would break the vicious circle, or I could work with them to learn how not to give in and boy oh boy, was that a freeing thing.  She still pushes, and I still pick my battles, but I have perfected the bored look when she is whining at me.  ;D

HappilyInsane

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 184
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #71 on: July 21, 2013, 11:41:28 PM »
It's hard not to laugh sometimes when you hear "I'm an ADULT! You can't make me do (whatever)" immediately followed by " MOOOOMMMM! Come wipe my nose!!".

Ages 15-18 with my beautiful child were somewhere around Dante's 9th circle for me. The day she turned 18, I shouted hallelujah and told her from here on out, she would have to deal with the consequences.

She knows I love her and tells everyone I am her best friend. She knows I will give advice and she knows I will stand back and say I told you so. She's making a home with her boyfriend, working, and appreciating me more everyday for the lessons she has learned.

Some lessons must be learned the hard way. It is hard as a parent to watch them stumble, but sometimes, it is the only way they will learn.

Just keep telling her that adults do things for themselves, not expect others to do it for them.

*inviteseller

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1821
  • I am Queen Mommy
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #72 on: July 22, 2013, 12:00:44 AM »
Hahaha Dante's Hell is about right.  When she is doing one of her stomping yelling tantrums, I look at the little one and say "if you ever act like that, I will sell you to the gypsy's !"   As much as she carps on about how horrible I am, she admits that I am the first person she will turn to, and on Father's Day, she wrote a very nice essay about me, saying that I was both mother and father, and that even when I was mad at her for making bad choices, I still said I love you.  She just has to make these mistakes, and I get the fun of thinking "I told you so".  I will say, from the last 2 days posts and a phone call yesterday where she was very nice, I think she is about ready to make the decision to ask to come home.

laud_shy_girl

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 445
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #73 on: July 22, 2013, 07:21:12 AM »
Don't make her grovel to much. :D very proud of you *inviteseller you are doing a great job.

I think to many people have children now and just think about the baby/child and don't look and see the adult trying to get out of the infant in front of them.
“For too long, we've assumed that there is a single template for human nature, which is why we diagnose most deviations as disorders. But the reality is that there are many different kinds of minds. And that's a very good thing.” - Jonah Lehrer

cwm

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2427
Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
« Reply #74 on: July 22, 2013, 01:50:16 PM »
My dad bought me a beautiful glass front tv stand.  Gave it to me in the box and said "make sure you read the directions".   ??? The directions mixed up 2 steps and were not written well, but I did it myself (did you know that swearing loudly makes screws turn better?).  My ex husband always complained because he said I didn't need him..he wanted some simpering little girl I guess, but Daddy raised a strong woman because he made me do for myself.  Hated it growing up, thank him every day for it now.  I worked with a lovely woman who was so dingdangity coddled growing up..she has trouble when people do not bow to her now.  I say you start loosening those apron strings (or in mine and Softly Spoken's case with our dad's, neckties) when they start walking..little things all the time so that by the time they are ready to go out to college or whatever, while not perfect, the kids can handle day to day life without constantly running home to mom and dad to fix everything.  I'm 47 and still ask my dad's advice on some things, and with his health deteriorating quickly, I am faced with not having my sounding board, but he has given me enough knowledge that I can just go through my mental files of his advice over the years and muddle through if I hit a snag.

Re: the bolded. Oh do I EVER! I've learned through the years that if swearing doesn't work, giving the wall some percussive maintenance. It works really well.