Author Topic: Regifted  (Read 5774 times)

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fountainof

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #30 on: July 17, 2013, 11:57:32 AM »
For me it is really hard to separate the karma from the etiquette.  I think it is really bad karma to take something you know was not intended for you and while you can justify why it should be yours and I am not sure if it is rude to do so, I would think it major bad luck and never keep it.  I do think if your need to justify it then it probably isn't the right thing to do.

Sophia

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #31 on: July 17, 2013, 12:05:09 PM »
For me, it would depend on how much thought had been behind the re-gift. 

If it was "I got this gift that I don't want.  I will set it aside for the next time I need a gift."  Then later, "I need a gift for Sophia.  Ooh, there is something on my regift shelf.  That chore is done."

 - Then, I am keeping anything that is included. 

If it was "I got this gift I don't like.  But, Sophia will LOVE it." 

 - Then I would return anything I could. 

I think it is really easy to tell the difference.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #32 on: July 17, 2013, 01:14:36 PM »
For me, it would depend on how much thought had been behind the re-gift. 

If it was "I got this gift that I don't want.  I will set it aside for the next time I need a gift."  Then later, "I need a gift for Sophia.  Ooh, there is something on my regift shelf.  That chore is done."

 - Then, I am keeping anything that is included. 

If it was "I got this gift I don't like.  But, Sophia will LOVE it." 

 - Then I would return anything I could. 

I think it is really easy to tell the difference.

I agree completely.
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Jocelyn

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #33 on: July 17, 2013, 07:41:27 PM »


If a rude cashier accidentally gave you too much change, would you think it is okay to keep it because the cashier had been rude?  Of course not.  Whatever we think of regifting to a friend, surely we can agree that stealing from one is worse.

Well, friend vs. stranger matters. For example, if I bought something at a bakery, and found it was undercooked and disgusting when I cut into it, I wouldn't feel at all bad about taking it back. If a friend gave me badly baked pastry, I wouldn't dream of telling her it was awful. I'd figure that she'd probably kept some for herself, and had already discovered her mistake, and was probably mortified imagining she'd given me bad stuff. Even if she asked, I'd say that it was fine- that happens sometimes when you're baking, some comes out OK, some doesn't.

I think we all agree that there's nothing awkward about giving someone something we've been given if it is a desirable object and the recipient will enjoy it. The awkwardness is when you open the gift and your first thought is 'Why on EARTH did she think I'd want THIS?' and then you realize that a possible reason is that she didn't think you'd want it, so much as a) she didn't want it and b) she owed you a gift and now she's gotten off the hook cheaply. It's the latter situation where there's an awkwardness in acknowledging that you know it's a regift, because the giver now knows that you know her reason.  And that was the original question- and I'm glad that several Ehellions pointed out the obvious option I hadn't thought of, of pretending that you found the card somewhere other than inside the gift's wrapping.  The giver may be able to figure out that you'd found it inside the package, but they can save face this way.

violetminnow

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #34 on: July 17, 2013, 09:49:52 PM »
I think it is really bad karma to take something you know was not intended for you

If you went by this, you would have to return any regift to the giver. The item that the check/cash is attached to was also not intended for you.

If it was me, I would shred a check and keep the cash.

crella

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #35 on: July 17, 2013, 10:55:46 PM »
I think it is really bad karma to take something you know was not intended for you

If you went by this, you would have to return any regift to the giver. The item that the check/cash is attached to was also not intended for you.

If it was me, I would shred a check and keep the cash.

I don't think the original giver has permanent strings on a gift, that make regifting it to someone else wrong. 

The intent of the regifter was to give you the gift in the bag or box, not the card they didn't see in said bag or box.

gellchom

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #36 on: July 17, 2013, 11:14:51 PM »
I think it is really bad karma to take something you know was not intended for you

If you went by this, you would have to return any regift to the giver. The item that the check/cash is attached to was also not intended for you.

If it was me, I would shred a check and keep the cash.

I agree with crella.  Once a gift is -- intentionally! -- given to someone, it is theirs to do with what they like -- keep it, sell it, share it, regift it, or throw it away.  At that point, it's the "secondary giver's" intention that matters, not the original giver's (anyway, that person's intention was to transfer all rights to dispose of the item to your friend). 

But when you get something by mistake, even if the person who gave it to you didn't know it was there, it isn't rightfully yours, and to keep it is indeed stealing.  In addition, you are preventing your friend from knowing that the previous giver even gave it to them at all, a disservice to both of them.

If your friend gave you a jacket of hers that she didn't want anymore, and you found money or a watch or a scarf in the pocket, surely you'd know that keeping it would be stealing -- even a card, you'd return.  Well, property unintentionally included in a regift is exactly the same thing.  Any etiquette violation or insult from the regifting doesn't change your duty to return it.

crella

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #37 on: July 18, 2013, 12:16:08 AM »
Well said!

Deetee

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #38 on: July 18, 2013, 12:36:50 PM »
For me, it would depend on how much thought had been behind the re-gift. 

If it was "I got this gift that I don't want.  I will set it aside for the next time I need a gift."  Then later, "I need a gift for Sophia.  Ooh, there is something on my regift shelf.  That chore is done."

 - Then, I am keeping anything that is included. 

If it was "I got this gift I don't like.  But, Sophia will LOVE it." 

 - Then I would return anything I could. 

I think it is really easy to tell the difference.

I agree completely.

And I disagree completely. I don't think whether the gift was thoughtful or not changes the fundamental issue that the cash gift was not meant to be handed on. To me, the rude actions of the giver does not absolve me of the moral culpability of taking something that is not mine.

lowspark

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #39 on: July 18, 2013, 02:32:12 PM »
Anyone who felt me enough of a friend to give me a gift, any gift, well, I just can't imagine that I would think so little of that friendship that I would keep the card & money. I'd give it back to them and laugh about it. I'd probaby say something like "I bet you didn't mean to give me this part of the gift" and laugh. I mean, regifting is something that is pretty common and honestly I don't see anything wrong with it at all.

I'm not sure how to make this sound right but the fact that they missed the card just shows what pristine condition the gift is in. They didn't even open the box or dig into the bag or whatever. They saw it was something they didn't want and apparently thought it was something I would want and gave it to me. I, on the other hand, apparently did like it enough to dig far enough into the package to find the card.

I don't understand not giving it back. Especially those who are attributing not-so-nice motives to the gift giver. If you feel that way about someone who is giving you a gift, why accept the gift at all? And why are you friends with that person, friends enough to be giving each other gifts?

MariaE

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #40 on: July 18, 2013, 02:53:27 PM »
I agree with Deetee and lowspark. I'm honestly surprised this is even up for debate - seems pretty clear-cut to me.
 
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siamesecat2965

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #41 on: July 18, 2013, 03:38:12 PM »
For me, it would depend on how much thought had been behind the re-gift. 

If it was "I got this gift that I don't want.  I will set it aside for the next time I need a gift."  Then later, "I need a gift for Sophia.  Ooh, there is something on my regift shelf.  That chore is done."

 - Then, I am keeping anything that is included. 

If it was "I got this gift I don't like.  But, Sophia will LOVE it." 

 - Then I would return anything I could. 

I think it is really easy to tell the difference.

I agree with this. My cousin is not the best gift giver; One year, all of my Christmas gifts were regifts; and not even wrapped! She had been deployed, and I was stopping by her house to feed her cats, and she told me she had left my gifts in x spot. Which turned out to be items she had plucked from her closet and drawers, as they were not my taste, but hers, and still had the tags on them. And along with them, in the same spot, was a GC to a store she had worked at, and was more her taste than mine. But nothing to indicate how much was on it, and it looked “worn” – how some credit and gift cards get scuffed and scratched after hanging around for a while?

I was never 100% sure if that was meant to be part of my gift or not, but it never mattered since when I called to find out the balance, it was $0. Knowing her, my guess is she found it when she was putting my gifts together, and either threw it in, or it got in by mistake, and had no idea it had been used already. Had there been anything on it, I would have kept it, assuming it was meant for me. it sort of fit with the “theme” of the rest of her gifts.

Now, if it  were something someone regifted to me, knowing they didn’t care for it but knew full well I would, say a nice cookbook, when they didn’t cook, but I do, and there was a gift card say to a store to purchase something to go with it in there, I would return it. or at least question whether they meant for me to have that as well. If it were clear it was for them, and the giver didn’t put it in for me.

Lynn2000

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #42 on: July 18, 2013, 05:33:18 PM »
Anyone who felt me enough of a friend to give me a gift, any gift, well, I just can't imagine that I would think so little of that friendship that I would keep the card & money. I'd give it back to them and laugh about it. I'd probaby say something like "I bet you didn't mean to give me this part of the gift" and laugh. I mean, regifting is something that is pretty common and honestly I don't see anything wrong with it at all.

I'm not sure how to make this sound right but the fact that they missed the card just shows what pristine condition the gift is in. They didn't even open the box or dig into the bag or whatever. They saw it was something they didn't want and apparently thought it was something I would want and gave it to me. I, on the other hand, apparently did like it enough to dig far enough into the package to find the card.

I don't understand not giving it back. Especially those who are attributing not-so-nice motives to the gift giver. If you feel that way about someone who is giving you a gift, why accept the gift at all? And why are you friends with that person, friends enough to be giving each other gifts?

Just to address this point, if it's a "friend," then yeah, probably there should indeed be a "friendly" relationship there such that one would automatically assume the best about the person's intentions. But, I think a lot of people are faced with "obligatory gifts"--like the whole extended family gets together every year to exchange gifts and it's expected everyone will buy for everyone else, even when you don't really know them that well. Or maybe it's a group of friends, and the core group know each other well, but as SOs have been added in over the years you get people who don't know each other as well, and may not be as invested in figuring out exactly what someone else would like. I'm sure there are lots of other situations where people are exchanging gifts with someone they don't actually know that well, and whose motives may be more obligatory than thoughtful.

And to be honest, some people would see no difference in how they approach that person's gift. And some people would. And I guess the question is really, "No matter what you think of the person or their gift, what is the minimum polite behavior you must exhibit in response?"
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rose red

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #43 on: July 18, 2013, 06:06:08 PM »
I would return it because the original giver deserves credit and maybe it's not too late for a thank you for them. 

For a friend or casual acquaintance, I would say something like "I think this got accidentally mixed up in the gift" so they can save face.  For one of my evil family members who give because of family obligations, I would enjoy giving it back to them to see their face >:D.  I wouldn't be too mean, but just a simple "This was in the box and I figure you may want this back" is enough.  (ETA: I do not think regifting is wrong.  I do it myself.  I just have relatives who look down on my family and always bragging about how rich and generous they are even thought they are cheep in reality.  We were once re-gifted with a box of chocolate with two pieces missing.  That story has become family legend.)
« Last Edit: July 18, 2013, 06:13:36 PM by rose red »

violetminnow

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Re: Regifted
« Reply #44 on: July 18, 2013, 06:14:28 PM »
I've never gotten a regifted item that was to my taste or of value. I've only gotten items that were clearly given to me because the intended recipient didn't like them and didn't want to throw them away for themselves. Think old bath products (I hate perfume), freebies from cosmetic counters, ugly figurines, etc.

I really doubt that someone who thoughtfully looked at a gift and decided that a friend would love it, would be careless enough to not open it. Not to mention I was raised to always look for a card first, opening a gift without reading the card was unspeakably rude.