Author Topic: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back  (Read 9902 times)

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veryfluffy

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #15 on: July 16, 2013, 07:17:10 AM »
I'm not sure I get where people are thinking that the lawnmower didn't actually cost £80 and the FIL is trying to make a profit. Unless there is some background of this, it does seem like looking for additional offence. If it is a new lawnmower, £80 is a pretty average price for a cheapish electric mower.

   

YummyMummy66

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #16 on: July 16, 2013, 07:47:19 AM »
The problem in this situation lies with your dh.

You and dh need to get on the same page regarding in how you will deal with your FIL, especially in matters where he buys something for you without asking and then expects you to pay for it.

You either have to learn to live with how your dh deals with his dad or you have to stand your ground on what you decide and remain firm.

Sparkle Star

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #17 on: July 16, 2013, 07:52:17 AM »
As I understand it, there was a pretty, um 'robust' debate after the FIL left, but Jo (friend) didn't want to have a massive row in front of him. I've met the FIL once at a barbecue and he was perfectly charming, but I know from what she's said that he's constantly playing power games to try and 'prove' that his relationship with his children (not just her husband but his siblings too) is stronger than the ones they have with their various spouses.

Just to say to some posters - this isn't my situation, it's someone I'm friends with. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

That said, on a separate tack, my own MIL asked Mr Star and I to buy her a new phone while we were in town at the weekend. While we were out, she called DH's mobile and asked if we could also get her a new kettle, as hers had started to leak, and she'd actually quite like a matching toaster. Obviously she intended to pay us back, but we had to buy them in the first place - the ones she wanted came in total to around £100. And because she doesn't do internet or telephone banking, she then wrote us a cheque and we had to go back into town to pay it in, and it takes time to clear. Money is tight at the moment and we could really have done without that..... I have told Mr Star that in future we need to ask her to pay for expensive items up front. (I have tried to get her to do online shopping but she won't.)
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Cami

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #18 on: July 16, 2013, 11:53:29 AM »
My experience with people like that is the "price" they paid is actually the price+a "finder's fee" for them.  So that would be my first thought.

Actually, no, that wouldn't be my first thought. My first thought would be that my FIL was correct that his relationship with my dh is obviously  more important to my dh than our own relationship.

lakey

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #19 on: July 16, 2013, 12:28:09 PM »
My suspicion is that FIL has a controlling personality. People like this tend to make decisions for others and it never occurs to them that the decision they made might not be what the person wants. They think they know what is best for you. I know people like this. They really believe that they are helping you. The only way to deal with them is to establish firm boundaries and make them stick.

Roodabega

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #20 on: July 16, 2013, 07:04:15 PM »
I didn't see if anyone else mentioned it, but did your friend mention if FIL would try to take credit for "giving" them a lawnmower?  You might suggest she prepare for that possibility and decide ahead of time how she would want to respond.  I've seen personally where an item is bought by one party, the second party pays for it, and then the first party claims it as having given a gift.

JenJay

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #21 on: July 16, 2013, 07:39:38 PM »
Insane! My best friend in high school used to have this happen to her. Friend's mom would come home and announce she'd bought BF new clothes. Great, right? No, because then she'd tell BF how much she (BF) owed. BF didn't have a job so had no money, and when she'd say "Mom, I can't pay you back." her mom would get upset and say "Then you'd better take them back and give me the money!" Yeah BF also didn't have a license and couldn't drive. If I hadn't been sitting there and seen the whole thing myself, more than once, I wouldn't have believed it. It was even more strange when BF had to beg her mom to drive her to the mall to return the clothes her mom had bought so she could pay her back. *tears hair out*

Outdoor Girl

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #22 on: July 16, 2013, 09:05:55 PM »
I would be replying, 'I will not be paying you for something I didn't not ask you to buy for me. If you would like to give it to me, fine.  Otherwise, feel free to take it home with you and return it.'
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Jaelle

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #23 on: July 16, 2013, 11:03:22 PM »
My suspicion is that FIL has a controlling personality. People like this tend to make decisions for others and it never occurs to them that the decision they made might not be what the person wants. They think they know what is best for you. I know people like this. They really believe that they are helping you. The only way to deal with them is to establish firm boundaries and make them stick.

Oh, yes. This. OP, my suspicion that is when your friend talked to her husband, he said something along the lines of "What? We needed one! What's wrong?" Am I correct?

And just personally, I doubt that the FIL did tack on any money. In the cases I'm familiar with, it's more like "The kids need a lawnmower." Full stop. He's not thinking that "the kids" have the desire/right to control their own money.
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LifeOnPluto

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #24 on: July 16, 2013, 11:29:45 PM »
My suspicion is that FIL has a controlling personality. People like this tend to make decisions for others and it never occurs to them that the decision they made might not be what the person wants. They think they know what is best for you. I know people like this. They really believe that they are helping you. The only way to deal with them is to establish firm boundaries and make them stick.

Oh, yes. This. OP, my suspicion that is when your friend talked to her husband, he said something along the lines of "What? We needed one! What's wrong?" Am I correct?

And just personally, I doubt that the FIL did tack on any money. In the cases I'm familiar with, it's more like "The kids need a lawnmower." Full stop. He's not thinking that "the kids" have the desire/right to control their own money.

I think "kids" is the key word. Some parents seem to think their adult offspring are still teenagers who need continual guidance and assistance. Sounds like the FIL here is one of them.

Mikayla

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #25 on: July 18, 2013, 01:36:37 PM »
As I understand it, there was a pretty, um 'robust' debate after the FIL left, but Jo (friend) didn't want to have a massive row in front of him. I've met the FIL once at a barbecue and he was perfectly charming, but I know from what she's said that he's constantly playing power games to try and 'prove' that his relationship with his children (not just her husband but his siblings too) is stronger than the ones they have with their various spouses.

On the bolded, what's pathetic is he's winning!  Nobody can be controlled without their own permission, and in this case, the permission occurred when he handed the FIL the check.

I'm glad she said something, but this is the tack I would have taken.

Otterpop

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #26 on: July 21, 2013, 12:02:33 AM »
Insane! My best friend in high school used to have this happen to her. Friend's mom would come home and announce she'd bought BF new clothes. Great, right? No, because then she'd tell BF how much she (BF) owed. BF didn't have a job so had no money, and when she'd say "Mom, I can't pay you back." her mom would get upset and say "Then you'd better take them back and give me the money!" Yeah BF also didn't have a license and couldn't drive. If I hadn't been sitting there and seen the whole thing myself, more than once, I wouldn't have believed it. It was even more strange when BF had to beg her mom to drive her to the mall to return the clothes her mom had bought so she could pay her back. *tears hair out*

That is so sick on BF's mother's part.  Not only did your BF not get new clothes but she had to personally give them back to the store for a refund to give to her mother.  Did the woman EVER provide for her daughter's needs?  Was she twisted in other ways as well?  How sad.

BarensMom

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #27 on: July 21, 2013, 10:15:26 AM »
To me, this is like a company sending you something you didn't order.  According to law, if you didn't order it, you don't have to pay for it.  Same should apply for someone delivering you an item in person.  You didn't ask them for it, you aren't obligated to pay for it.

rain

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #28 on: July 24, 2013, 08:01:40 AM »
I used to have a similar problem.  ______ would take her grandaughter/my stepdaughter shopping, spend over $400 on clothes (many of which DSD didn't like & never wore) and then tell my DH he owned her the money & DH would write her a check.  There were many things I'd help DSD pack up months later to donate with the tags still on them because she didn't like them & never wanted them in the first place)

I was livid/fuming.

I had a "talk" with DH that ____ didn't know our budget and this was to stop, especially as his DD didn't like some of the stuff & it was a waste of money.  If grandma wanted to take _____ shopping she needed to pay for it herself. (I'd taken DSD shopping before, but DH didn't want grandma to feel left out  ::))  DH put a stop to us funding the money grab.
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JenJay

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Re: I Bought You Something....Now Pay Me Back
« Reply #29 on: July 27, 2013, 11:05:36 AM »
Insane! My best friend in high school used to have this happen to her. Friend's mom would come home and announce she'd bought BF new clothes. Great, right? No, because then she'd tell BF how much she (BF) owed. BF didn't have a job so had no money, and when she'd say "Mom, I can't pay you back." her mom would get upset and say "Then you'd better take them back and give me the money!" Yeah BF also didn't have a license and couldn't drive. If I hadn't been sitting there and seen the whole thing myself, more than once, I wouldn't have believed it. It was even more strange when BF had to beg her mom to drive her to the mall to return the clothes her mom had bought so she could pay her back. *tears hair out*

That is so sick on BF's mother's part.  Not only did your BF not get new clothes but she had to personally give them back to the store for a refund to give to her mother.  Did the woman EVER provide for her daughter's needs?  Was she twisted in other ways as well?  How sad.

Yes, BF got new clothes (paid for by her Mom) as needed and she was adequately provided for in general. Her mom would just do this occasionally when she'd go to the mall for some other reason. She'd happen to see something she thought BF would like, pick it up, then act as if BF had asked her to get it, complete with annoyance and acting put-out when BF rejected the clothes (or couldn't pay for them).

BF's mom wasn't so much twisted as... odd? There was a lack of boundaries until BF grew into adulthood and polished her spine. BF's mom was kind of strict and liked to be in control.