Author Topic: On what planet would this be OK? Minor update p#61  (Read 9249 times)

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Hmmmmm

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #15 on: July 16, 2013, 04:34:59 PM »
The woman is in the wrong.

I ran our neighborhood swim team for 5 years with over 200 kids and I don't think I ever ran into this problem accept once. When I told the mom that she wasn't allowed to accompany her 5 year old into the boys locker room her response was "They are just little kids, it's no big deal."  I called over one of our fully mature 16 yr old male swimmers (in a speedo) and said "do you really consider him just a little kid? Do you think he wants you walking in on him? Would you want him walking in on you?" She turned red and said she hadn't considered the older boys might be around too. 

This is a "head in the sand" mother who isn't thinking about the impact on others.

Carotte

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #16 on: July 16, 2013, 04:37:44 PM »
Do say something if you ever see her doing it again.
But also be prepared for an outraged "but, I'm a mom", as in "I'm not doing this to oogle boys, I'm a mom for deity's sake".

Which is probably true, but she's still in the wrong, so something like "I'm not accusing you of anything, but you still cannot step in the boy locker room, ever".

Virg

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #17 on: July 16, 2013, 04:39:24 PM »
EllenS wrote:

"Obviously the rules of common decency and courtesy - not to mention the rules of the club- don't apply to me because my Widdle Pwecious might have to make 2 trips to get his Widdle Goggles."

Hey, if she can afford to give a pair of Widdles to a child young enough to need her help, then she can just send the butler in to check on him.  I see nothing wrong with having your son tell her to leave, GrammarNerd, and it might be more effective if he was the one who complained to management about it.

Virg

Friday

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #18 on: July 16, 2013, 04:47:38 PM »
When my kids were little, we had a situation at a local store where a previously convicted sexual predator - a young woman - walked a young boy out of a store and was stopped in the parking lot.

I'm not saying that's what happening here, but I also see an undertone in such situations with a mom/femal and young boys not being addressed on the same level as a dad/male and young girls would be.

Wrong in both cases, words should be said.

Eeep!

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #19 on: July 16, 2013, 06:09:06 PM »
Sorry, I missed the fact that it had happened multiple times.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

DottyG

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #20 on: July 16, 2013, 06:12:01 PM »
her response was "They are just little kids, it's no big deal."

I think that mother was wrong here, too.  Little kids should still have some semblance of privacy from non-related people.  Just because they're X years old doesn't mean it's ok for them to be seen naked by someone that shouldn't be seeing them that way (even just a regular person with no ulterior motives - doesn't even have to be a predator or someone nefarious).

desireesgranny

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #21 on: July 16, 2013, 07:03:14 PM »
Once when my son went into the mall lavatory,  I was outside waiting and waiting. I saw many men  go in and come out.

When my son still had not come out, I waited until there was no one in there, pushed open the door and yelled for my son. I had become quite concerned about him. However, I did not step foot into the lavatory.

JenJay

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #22 on: July 16, 2013, 07:56:47 PM »
OP here: Further question: if, by some strange chance, I see this woman doing this again, what should I do?  Do I say something to her myself (even if my kids aren't in there at the time)?  Do I go back to the coach?  Do I go back to the president, even though he didn't respond to me in the first place?  (FYI that the swim team rents the pool during this time, so normal pool management wouldn't necessarily be involved.)

I would say "Ma'am, you might want to stay out of there. Some of the boys have been complaining about a woman coming in while they're changing." Let her draw whatever conclusion she will.

Next I would go straight to the manager of the pool itself and let them know that you have now twice complained to the swim team staff about a woman named X entering the men's locker room with her son named Y (is he on the team?) and the issue has not been addressed. I imagine they'll want to get on that asap. They may not run the team but it seems like they'd ultimately be responsible for the goings-on within the facility.


I guess I'm going to go against the grain here and not totally vilify the woman.  Mind you, I am NOT saying what she did is right - of course a woman should not be in the locker room.  But I can totally see how this situation could happen.  Your son says he left his goggles in the locker room. You tell him to go get them.  He goes in and then takes waaay longer than you think you should.  What do you do?  Now, if she had thought a bit better, she could have flagged a male down and asked them to please go into the locker room and find her son.  But  what if there wasn't someone to flag down?  I'm really not trying to be argumentative, but at some point - if my kid isn't coming out of the locker room- I'm going to open the door and yell for him. What other option do I have? Yes, she absolutely shouldn't have stepped in.  But I could see someone doing that out of frustration with their kid. 
Again, I'm not saying that she was right, but maybe people should cut her a little slack.  It gets tough when your son is too old to accompany you to the women's room but still young enough that you worry.
If she repeatedly does this than there is an issue that needs to be addressed, but a one time thing? I personally don't think so.

(Not to say that boys in the locker room shouldn't say something.  They have a total right to do so. If something makes you uncomfortable, you should let the person know for sure.  And a woman doesn't belong in a men's locker room.)

I've been in this position and what you do is approach the door to the changing area, either knock loudly or stand in such a way that you absolutely cannot see inside (if it's an open entry) and yell "Son'sName, did you find your goggles? If they aren't in there we'll need to check at the lost and found desk. Let's go!" If your child doesn't respond you quickly find a male, preferably a staff member, and ask him to check on your kiddo. If I heard my child indicating he was in distress I'd absolutely go in, other than that, no way.

Cami

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #23 on: July 16, 2013, 07:58:34 PM »
I would have told her to get out of the male locker room quite loudly -- just as I would have done if a father were going into the girls' locker room.

DavidH

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #24 on: July 16, 2013, 08:09:04 PM »
Although one typically thinks of male predators, it can work the other way too.  From another post, let me change the genders and see how it reads: 

I guess I'm going to go against the grain here and not totally vilify the man.  Mind you, I am NOT saying what he did is right - of course a man should not be in the girl's locker room.  But I can totally see how this situation could happen.  Your daughter says she left her goggles in the locker room. You tell her to go get them.  She goes in and then takes waaay longer than you think you should.  What do you do?  Now, if he had thought a bit better, he could have flagged a female down and asked them to please go into the locker room and find his daughter.  But  what if there wasn't someone to flag down?  I'm really not trying to be argumentative, but at some point - if my kid isn't coming out of the locker room- I'm going to open the door and yell for her.  What other option do I have? Yes, he absolutely shouldn't have stepped in.  But I could see someone doing that out of frustration with their kid. 
Again, I'm not saying that he was right, but maybe people should cut him a little slack.  It gets tough when your daughter is too old to accompany you to the men's room but still young enough that you worry.
If he repeatedly does this than there is an issue that needs to be addressed, but a one time thing? I personally don't think so.

Unless there is very good reason to believe that the child is in danger, not just taking annoyingly long to find their goggles, there is no reason for an adult to enter a children's locker room and particularly one for children of the opposite gender.

Allyson

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #25 on: July 16, 2013, 09:56:00 PM »
It's pretty much irrelevant whether or not the woman/man going in the opposite-sex changing room is a predator or innocent or what have you. It's not about *their* motivations. It's about the discomfort of the people getting changed. So if she does bring up the 'well, I'm not doing it to be a pervert, I'm doing it because of my kid', it really *doesn't matter*. 99.9 chance it was harmless on her end, but at least one boy in there felt uncomfortable, so harm was to some degree, done.

Sharnita

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #26 on: July 16, 2013, 10:04:28 PM »
I think that if it is a one time thing you get a nearby male to check for you.  If it becomes a pattern that makes it clear he is dawdling you impose consequences/rewards that motivate him to get out in a timely manner with the appropriate gear.  If that is beyond him you wait until next year before he does this again.

Hmmmmm

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #27 on: July 16, 2013, 10:11:46 PM »
It's pretty much irrelevant whether or not the woman/man going in the opposite-sex changing room is a predator or innocent or what have you. It's not about *their* motivations. It's about the discomfort of the people getting changed. So if she does bring up the 'well, I'm not doing it to be a pervert, I'm doing it because of my kid', it really *doesn't matter*. 99.9 chance it was harmless on her end, but at least one boy in there felt uncomfortable, so harm was to some degree, done.

This. To me it has nothing to do with predators. But the comfort of the boys in the dressing room.

In my experience, kids under 4 have no issue stripping naked just a out anywhere. But some where around 5 or 6(at least in the States) we develop a more puritanical idea of modesty that needs to be respected.

snowdragon

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #28 on: July 16, 2013, 10:18:12 PM »
It's pretty much irrelevant whether or not the woman/man going in the opposite-sex changing room is a predator or innocent or what have you. It's not about *their* motivations. It's about the discomfort of the people getting changed. So if she does bring up the 'well, I'm not doing it to be a pervert, I'm doing it because of my kid', it really *doesn't matter*. 99.9 chance it was harmless on her end, but at least one boy in there felt uncomfortable, so harm was to some degree, done.

 I think this comes closest to how I feel. I don't care if it were a female in the male room, a male in the female one or a child in the adult only room - if the folks for whom that room is actually for are made uncomfortable - the damage is done.
 It simply should not be tolerated.

GrammarNerd

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Re: On what planet would this be OK?
« Reply #29 on: July 16, 2013, 10:36:17 PM »
OP here....the locker room in question has a wall vent with slats.  You can't see in, but you can yell in if you need to tell the kids to hurry up or ask them a question.  I've used it many times for my kids.  I would have never, EVER considered going in after them.  For ANYTHING.

I was just so blown away by first what he told me, and then by witnessing it myself!  I mean....wow.   I just hope I don't see her doing it again, and I truly hope that the head coach has contacted her by now and told her that this is quite inappropriate and should NOT be happening again. 

I coach a sport during the winter season and when I think of the child abuse prevention training that I've been through....man, I would be fired SO quickly for doing something like what she did!  That's probably why I'm still in a state of disbelief that someone would think it's OK to do once, let alone multiple times (she was pretty comfortable walking to the door and peering in when I witnessed her today.)

And FYI....her son is 6.