On what planet would this be OK? Minor update p#61

[GrammarNerd]

My kids are on a summer swim team at a local pool.  My oldest son (teenager) came out last Friday morning and asked if it was illegal for a woman to go into the boys locker room.  I told him that while I don't know if it's specifically illegal, it's just something that is NOT. DONE.

The situation: the little kid practice had just ended.  His practice had already ended so he just went in to use the restroom.  He was coming out and said that there was a mom who opened the door to the boys locker room and said to a little boy, "Did you find your goggles?"  Then she even took a step INSIDE the boys locker room.  My middle son also saw the woman in there.  Neither child knew who the woman was or who the child was; just the color of his hair.  Oldest said he kind of gave her a look but didn't say anything b/c he didn't know if he "could".

I emailed the club president and the head swim coach Friday morning and never got a response from either. (Not happy about that--not getting even an acknowledgment--but reserving judgment for now.)  Monday morning, I asked the head coach if she'd gotten my message.  She said she hadn't heard from club president, and that no, the woman shouldn't be going in there, but she couldn't really do anything without knowing who it was.  I asked if she could put something in the weekly newsletter, and she said she'd try to think of a tactful way to word it.

Fast forward to today, and something made me watch the entrance to the boys locker room.  Sure enough, I see a woman go over to the entrance (door was already open; don't know why) and she was obviously talking to someone inside.  I heard the child's name that she said.  It was somewhat distinctive, so I found the head coach and told her and pointed out the woman.  Both kids also thought that the woman in question looked like the woman they saw last week.  Told the coach that I had actually witnessed her looking in the boys locker room.  She said thanks and told me that she would have a chat with her.

Hopefully, this is now done.  (Incidentally, I told my oldest that if he ever saw a woman in the boys locker room again, he could yell a loud but polite "Get out! Women can't be in here!" or something like that.)  In the email and when talking to the coach the first time, I said that the reaction would have been a LOT different if the genders had been reversed and a man had opened the door of the girls locker room.  But still, regardless, this should NOT have happened.

There are no family locker rooms at this pool.  But still, it's in the mid-high 80s.  Beautiful weather.  If you can't trust your kid alone in the locker room, you keep him with you; he doesn't NEED to change there, or do anything except go to the bathroom.  If you need help, you get a male employee/coach to help.  You, as a woman, do NOT get to go into an opposite gender locker room.  Right?

But seriously (assuming I'm right), who would think this is OK? 

[msulinski]

I agree that an adult should never be using the opposite-gender locker room/rest room/etc.. As a father of 2 young girls, I understand the frustration, but I have never entered a women's restroom and don't plan on it. I just take them in the men's room into a stall.

Since the children in question are older than mine (4 and 6), there is really no good reason for the adult to need to be in the locker room. This child should be able to be without parental help in a locker room, except in the case of an emergency.

[BeagleMommy]

This is not okay by any standard.  If she was simply standing outside the boys' locker room and calling inside to her child; that would be okay.  Once she set foot inside the door it becomes problematic.

[cwm]

Wow, that is SO not okay. Ever.

When I was a kid and my dad took me and my sister to the pool, he'd stand outside the door facing the other direction and call in to us. But we were old enough to change/go to the bathroom on our own, and he'd be waiting right outside for us when we were done. But he'd never dream of stepping in. Or even looking in. Not cool.

[Oh Joy]

Gently put, it doesn't sound like you're genuinely asking a question...your position has been stated pretty strongly through emphasis and phrasing.

How can we help?

[GrammarNerd]

OP here: Further question: if, by some strange chance, I see this woman doing this again, what should I do?  Do I say something to her myself (even if my kids aren't in there at the time)?  Do I go back to the coach?  Do I go back to the president, even though he didn't respond to me in the first place?  (FYI that the swim team rents the pool during this time, so normal pool management wouldn't necessarily be involved.)

[JeanFromBNA]

Chop, chop, chop, chop (helicopter parent). 

The next time that she does that, I would say, "Please don't do that.  My teenage son is in there changing."  If she says that she needs to ask little Nemo if he found his goggles, then you can tell her to please wait until he comes outside.  Your son could say loudly and firmly, "EXCUSE ME.  I AM CHANGING IN HERE.  Women are not allowed in the changing room."  A little embarrassment might help.

[NyaChan]

Chop, chop, chop, chop (helicopter parent). 

The next time that she does that, I would say, "Please don't do that.  My teenage son is in there changing."  If she says that she needs to ask little Nemo if he found his goggles, then you can tell her to please wait until he comes outside.  Your son could say loudly and firmly, "EXCUSE ME.  I AM CHANGING IN HERE.  Women are not allowed in the changing room."  A little embarrassment might help.

I agree with this approach.  The woman doesn't seem to realize that just because her son is in there, it doesn't mean that there won't be non-related or even older males in the locker room who require privacy.

[*inviteseller]

The woman is wrong.  If her son is unable to use a locker room by himself, then she needs to take him home to change.  I would definitely have your sons say something, loudly if she does it again.  It doesn't sound like she is trying to peep, but an adult woman has no business walking into a men's changing room, anymore than a man walking into a ladies room.  The problem is, I bet she will be offended that anyone says anything to her because she is such a helicopter.

[Coralreef]

Maybe her son is too young to go in by himself, but she's too old to be in the men's locker room.

Your sons are allowed to tell her to get out.  At least, in my book they are.

[EllenS]

Come on, you know what planet... the Snowflake Planet!

"Obviously the rules of common decency and courtesy - not to mention the rules of the club- don't apply to me because my Widdle Pwecious might have to make 2 trips to get his Widdle Goggles."

[kherbert05]

You have given your son some good words. I would add that he should call the coach for help. I would push this with the pool people especially pointing out that if this were a father they would have already draw and quartered him, had him up on charges, and put on the registry. They need to tell her never to do that again or she will be banned from the club.


It also sounds like next remodeling time, they need to add some family bathrooms/change rooms. I just don't trust Brett to go in, shower, and change without goofing around and annoying people. I'm glad the Y has family bathrooms so I can wash his hair. He and Loren both have hair that will turn green from the chlorine.


There have been a couple of times when young male relatives have taken what seemed to be an extra long time in the bathroom. If there was a man around, I asked him to check on the boys. A couple of times there was no one around, so I cracked the door and asked them if they were ok. Usually they were just dawdling a couple of times they were trying to figure out how to reach the sink or they couldn't pull the door open. What is it with bathroom doors being so heavy?

[Eeep!]

I guess I'm going to go against the grain here and not totally vilify the woman.  Mind you, I am NOT saying what she did is right - of course a woman should not be in the locker room.  But I can totally see how this situation could happen.  Your son says he left his goggles in the locker room. You tell him to go get them.  He goes in and then takes waaay longer than you think you should.  What do you do?  Now, if she had thought a bit better, she could have flagged a male down and asked them to please go into the locker room and find her son.  But  what if there wasn't someone to flag down?  I'm really not trying to be argumentative, but at some point - if my kid isn't coming out of the locker room- I'm going to open the door and yell for him. What other option do I have? Yes, she absolutely shouldn't have stepped in.  But I could see someone doing that out of frustration with their kid. 
Again, I'm not saying that she was right, but maybe people should cut her a little slack.  It gets tough when your son is too old to accompany you to the women's room but still young enough that you worry.
If she repeatedly does this than there is an issue that needs to be addressed, but a one time thing? I personally don't think so.

(Not to say that boys in the locker room shouldn't say something.  They have a total right to do so. If something makes you uncomfortable, you should let the person know for sure.  And a woman doesn't belong in a men's locker room.)

[EllenS]

Yelling through the crack is one thing.  LOOKING in, much less walking in, is off-limits.  Both the sons saw her face, one was able to make eye contact.  There were at least 2 swim classes full of boys in there.  Serious failure of boundaries.

[sparksals]

The OP posted it was not a one time thing, that she witnessed the woman stepping in the room the 2nd time.  THAT is a problem.