Author Topic: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter; Another update Page 3  (Read 10591 times)

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Friday

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I have the opposite issue as the poster who's dad is telling her time for bed and commenting on video games.... I'm on vacation with my daughter and she's treating me like a small child....

Bg #1. I'm a very high functioning Aspie with a high paying job, an MBA and a hubby who takes very good care of me.  I do have several Aspie habits with food, touching, etc, and they've been a source of amusement inside the family.  I also have a couple medical conditions that make me have to take care.  I'm a little fragile but I am NOT and invalid or even close.

Bg #2.  Said daughter is 25... I'm youthful looking and people often think we are sisters

Bg #3.  We are at ComicCon.  I'm a geek and have dyed my hair purple.  She actually got into the online sale and got us tickets - but I've financed everything else (airfare, car, accommodations, etc.)

From the moment we got on the plane, DD has been quipping and snipping at me about being careful, not talking to strangers, drink enough water, etc.  I may rely upon my husband, but we are partners and evolved into the mutual care relationship we have.  I've lived alone for many years before marrying him (stepfather to DD), bought property, worked, went to school..... I don't need daught to "take over" for him since he's not here.  Guess what? I've even travelled dozens of times alone and been fine!  I do far better than this daughter - I've rescued her several times lately in logistical and financial ways.

Last night I told her to stop harping on me (don't remember exact words) and she snapped back with "are you serious?!" (leading into the attitude that I need her guiding me) and then I bean dipped the conversation (ironically, we were on the phone and I was walking her through the streets of an unknown city because SHE was lost).

I don't want her anger, but I'm also not going to take more of this "parenting".

Anyone have good one liners to shut her down with?
« Last Edit: July 24, 2013, 01:32:42 PM by Friday »

Julian

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2013, 05:58:19 PM »
EvilJulian  would reply in a singsong 'Yes Mommy' every time. 

TootsNYC

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2013, 05:59:10 PM »
Well, the consensus on the other thread is that one-liners to shut people down aren't that respectful or even necessarily that effective.

Try, "I don't think you realize the effect those sorts of comments have. They are making me really, really mad. Please don't treat me like that or speak to me in that tone of voice."

MummySweet

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #3 on: July 19, 2013, 06:17:26 PM »
OP, Do you think that your daughter may be motivated in part by a lack of confidence in herself?

I ask because I used to occasionally "over-parent" my kids, and even my husband; when I really looked at it I realized that I wasn't really worried about their actions or behavior.  The problem was that I was not confident in my ability to handle the situation if something were to happen to them.  Locations and activities that I was not familiar with caused me the most problems.    Once I figured this out, and did a self-inventory of my abilities and resources, I really calmed down.    Maybe a little discussion with her about your confidence in her, a review of her resources, and a reminder that you really aren't that fragile would help.

« Last Edit: July 20, 2013, 01:37:04 PM by MummySweet »

Hmmmmm

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2013, 06:22:24 PM »
When she responded are you serious, you lost your chance to say "yes I am".

But you need to ask her why she feels the need to parent you?

Next  time she says, "Drink more water." Ask her why she thinks you as an adult needs to be told that.

HyenaInPetticoats

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2013, 06:38:00 PM »



Out of nothing but pure curiosity OP, is it possible she is more used to of having being 'parented' by her Dad, and feels you are the more care free, less 'responsible adult' type and like she needs to try and be the 'responsible one'?


*inviteseller

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2013, 06:49:33 PM »
My dad is very ill, but still has all his faculties, pays his bills, takes care of things around the house...and he recently blew up at my sister and I because he said we were treating him like a child.  When we called him  (me in the morning, her at night) we would ask if he was ok, did he eat, did he sleep, how were his legs, ect.. but we weren't talking to him about anything else.  Your DD may be so concerned over your health issues that she is forgetting that you are a human being first.  I think if you sit her down and tell her that her concern for you is touching, it is also annoying as she is treating you like a child and if you need help, she will be the first you ask. 

chibichan

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #7 on: July 20, 2013, 09:39:02 PM »
Sigh ... I feel you . My sister ( who lives with my parents ) treats everyone in my family like a child . She has none of her own so feel free to do the armchair analysis yourself  ;D .

I am a 54 year old woman who does not need instructions on life's most basic functions . Examples of her compulsion to parent :

Every time I exit a bathroom , she asks me if I washed my hands .

When I am brushing my teeth before bed , she will make it a point to walk by and sing-song "Don't forget to floss !"

When shaving my legs one day , she stood outside the bathroom door and instructed me to use hot water and rinse the razor frequently .

Offers a running commentary on how I need to eat more vegetables , including a litany of what kind , how much and how often .

Delivers a safety lecture every time I go out for the evening , assuming ( incorrectly ) that I'm going to drink the bar dry until last call , merrily stagger out to the car for the drive home and in the process , kill myself and others in a drunken black-out .
I have a 2 drink limit fer Pete's sake - any more than that makes me ill . She knows this . She also waits up to " inspect me " through narrowed eyes and offer her own assessment on my appearance of sobriety , then demand an accounting of what , when and how much I had to drink . At the end of this grilling , I receive a grudging " Well , you seem to be OK..." and a list of things I need to do to prevent a hangover . A hangover from what ? A glass of wine with dinner ?

Any attempt I make to avoid this ordeal is proof that I am indeed drunk as a Lord and trying to "sneak by her ".

Will hover around me whenever I use a knife or the stove and machine-gun me with " be careful ! " comments and step-by step instuctions on how to use said appliance .

Still , this is a cakewalk compared to how she treats my elderly mother ( who is not allowed to use a knife , BTW . ) For the record , Mom is in no way feeble , disabled or dull-witted  . She's just 80 . Things take her a little longer perhaps , but she is an intelligent , articulate and capable woman . She has long ago come to terms with the fact that my sister has a burning need to parent and she simply lets it go in one ear and out the other .

Dad fights back , but has pretty much given up trying to assert his status as a grown man and now avoids her as best he can .

It has taken me longer to acheive this state of grace...it still eludes me on occasion , but I have employed the art of Bean Dip with great success . Thankfully , I only spend about 3 weeks a year there .

For the record , I understand why she is like this . It doesn't make it any easier to listen to , but the understanding of it takes away the resentment and annoyance that used to cause huge blow-outs between us . In truth , she is also a warm and caring person who would give you her last dollar if you needed it . I love her dearly and I make sure she knows it .

I can now calmly say :

" I have been doing _____ for years and do not need instuctions ."

She grumbles a bit , but usually leaves me alone . This is 1000 times more effective than any of the snappy come-backs that I used in the past .



 

The key to avoiding trouble is to learn to recognize it from a distance.

MrTango

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #8 on: July 21, 2013, 10:15:54 AM »
My response to "Are you serious" would have been a simple "Yes."

She's way out of line.

cicero

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2013, 10:46:12 AM »
no one liner but i would sit down and have a serious talk with her.

Tell her exactly what you said here - "when you say X and Y to me, I feel like you are treating me like a 4 YO. I am not sure why you feel the need to do this. I may have A and C quirk/personality trait, but you know in spite of that, i somehow managed to obtain an MBA, hold down a high paying job, buy a home, take care of myself, raise my child(ren)... What's going on?"

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Thipu1

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #10 on: July 21, 2013, 10:59:07 AM »
no one liner but i would sit down and have a serious talk with her.

Tell her exactly what you said here - "when you say X and Y to me, I feel like you are treating me like a 4 YO. I am not sure why you feel the need to do this. I may have A and C quirk/personality trait, but you know in spite of that, i somehow managed to obtain an MBA, hold down a high paying job, buy a home, take care of myself, raise my child(ren)... What's going on?"

I would also point out that, yes, you have some minor problems but DD's concentration on them makes the situation worse instead of better. 

It won't make you feel any better but almost everyone has someone like this in the family. 

MIL constantly suggests that I should use the bathroom, take a nap or eat a piece of fruit.

I used to have a quite severe stutter.  Even today, when I pause in a sentence, he'll jump in with what he thinks is the word I want to say.  A conversation can wind up sounding like a game of charades. 

BarensMom

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2013, 11:13:43 AM »
Sigh ... I feel you . My sister ( who lives with my parents ) treats everyone in my family like a child . She has none of her own so feel free to do the armchair analysis yourself  ;D .

I am a 54 year old woman who does not need instructions on life's most basic functions . Examples of her compulsion to parent :

Every time I exit a bathroom , she asks me if I washed my hands .

When I am brushing my teeth before bed , she will make it a point to walk by and sing-song "Don't forget to floss !"

When shaving my legs one day , she stood outside the bathroom door and instructed me to use hot water and rinse the razor frequently .

Offers a running commentary on how I need to eat more vegetables , including a litany of what kind , how much and how often .

Delivers a safety lecture every time I go out for the evening , assuming ( incorrectly ) that I'm going to drink the bar dry until last call , merrily stagger out to the car for the drive home and in the process , kill myself and others in a drunken black-out .
I have a 2 drink limit fer Pete's sake - any more than that makes me ill . She knows this . She also waits up to " inspect me " through narrowed eyes and offer her own assessment on my appearance of sobriety , then demand an accounting of what , when and how much I had to drink . At the end of this grilling , I receive a grudging " Well , you seem to be OK..." and a list of things I need to do to prevent a hangover . A hangover from what ? A glass of wine with dinner ?

Any attempt I make to avoid this ordeal is proof that I am indeed drunk as a Lord and trying to "sneak by her ".

Will hover around me whenever I use a knife or the stove and machine-gun me with " be careful ! " comments and step-by step instuctions on how to use said appliance .

Still , this is a cakewalk compared to how she treats my elderly mother ( who is not allowed to use a knife , BTW . ) For the record , Mom is in no way feeble , disabled or dull-witted  . She's just 80 . Things take her a little longer perhaps , but she is an intelligent , articulate and capable woman . She has long ago come to terms with the fact that my sister has a burning need to parent and she simply lets it go in one ear and out the other .

Dad fights back , but has pretty much given up trying to assert his status as a grown man and now avoids her as best he can .

It has taken me longer to acheive this state of grace...it still eludes me on occasion , but I have employed the art of Bean Dip with great success . Thankfully , I only spend about 3 weeks a year there .

For the record , I understand why she is like this . It doesn't make it any easier to listen to , but the understanding of it takes away the resentment and annoyance that used to cause huge blow-outs between us . In truth , she is also a warm and caring person who would give you her last dollar if you needed it . I love her dearly and I make sure she knows it .

I can now calmly say :

" I have been doing _____ for years and do not need instuctions ."

She grumbles a bit , but usually leaves me alone . This is 1000 times more effective than any of the snappy come-backs that I used in the past .

How have you three managed to stay sane with that?

Figgie

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #12 on: July 21, 2013, 07:31:20 PM »
The first time we went to Mexico, our youngest issued a string of instructions that sounded as if she thought we weren't quite bright enough to manage in a foreign country.  :) 

My spouse and I laughed and laughed about it (not to her face), mostly because she was unintentionally parroting back to us things we had said to her before she went to foreign countries.  To be fair, she had traveled outside of the US more than we had at that point.

It was absolutely fascinating to realize that yes, she had been listening to us and that she found those things important enough to remember and then repeat to us because she wanted us to be safe.  Which or course, was the same reason that her father and I had for telling her those things from probably about age 11 on up.  :)

Understanding it as her loving us so much that she didn't want anything bad to happen to us made it extremely easy to not get angry or upset with her.  We just took it as a sign that she had actually listened and learned and was now sharing (from her perspective) the wisdom with us.

Neither her father or I ever saw it as her seeing us as children though...just as her trying to make sure we would be okay.  Just another perspective from someone who still has a daughter who will lecture me on watching for deer when we leave her place at dusk and texting her to let her know we made it home safe because she worries. :)

sparksals

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2013, 11:44:38 PM »
Friday, having met you in person several times and shared meals with you at restaurants, I would have NEVER known you have these quips, let alone have any form of Asperger's.


I think you need to pull the Mom card and let her know in  no uncertain terms that her comments and "help" is not welcome or needed.   Maybe ask her how she would feel if the tables were turned on her. 

ETA.. added never because it had the wrong meaning otherwise!







« Last Edit: July 23, 2013, 11:28:03 PM by sparksals »

chibichan

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter
« Reply #14 on: July 22, 2013, 09:19:55 AM »
Sigh ... I feel you . My sister ( who lives with my parents ) treats everyone in my family like a child . She has none of her own so feel free to do the armchair analysis yourself  ;D .

I am a 54 year old woman who does not need instructions on life's most basic functions . Examples of her compulsion to parent :

Every time I exit a bathroom , she asks me if I washed my hands .

When I am brushing my teeth before bed , she will make it a point to walk by and sing-song "Don't forget to floss !"

When shaving my legs one day , she stood outside the bathroom door and instructed me to use hot water and rinse the razor frequently .

Offers a running commentary on how I need to eat more vegetables , including a litany of what kind , how much and how often .

Delivers a safety lecture every time I go out for the evening , assuming ( incorrectly ) that I'm going to drink the bar dry until last call , merrily stagger out to the car for the drive home and in the process , kill myself and others in a drunken black-out .
I have a 2 drink limit fer Pete's sake - any more than that makes me ill . She knows this . She also waits up to " inspect me " through narrowed eyes and offer her own assessment on my appearance of sobriety , then demand an accounting of what , when and how much I had to drink . At the end of this grilling , I receive a grudging " Well , you seem to be OK..." and a list of things I need to do to prevent a hangover . A hangover from what ? A glass of wine with dinner ?

Any attempt I make to avoid this ordeal is proof that I am indeed drunk as a Lord and trying to "sneak by her ".

Will hover around me whenever I use a knife or the stove and machine-gun me with " be careful ! " comments and step-by step instuctions on how to use said appliance .

Still , this is a cakewalk compared to how she treats my elderly mother ( who is not allowed to use a knife , BTW . ) For the record , Mom is in no way feeble , disabled or dull-witted  . She's just 80 . Things take her a little longer perhaps , but she is an intelligent , articulate and capable woman . She has long ago come to terms with the fact that my sister has a burning need to parent and she simply lets it go in one ear and out the other .

Dad fights back , but has pretty much given up trying to assert his status as a grown man and now avoids her as best he can .

It has taken me longer to acheive this state of grace...it still eludes me on occasion , but I have employed the art of Bean Dip with great success . Thankfully , I only spend about 3 weeks a year there .

For the record , I understand why she is like this . It doesn't make it any easier to listen to , but the understanding of it takes away the resentment and annoyance that used to cause huge blow-outs between us . In truth , she is also a warm and caring person who would give you her last dollar if you needed it . I love her dearly and I make sure she knows it .

I can now calmly say :

" I have been doing _____ for years and do not need instuctions ."

She grumbles a bit , but usually leaves me alone . This is 1000 times more effective than any of the snappy come-backs that I used in the past .

How have you three managed to stay sane with that?

I moved to a different continent ... >:D
As for Mom and Dad - frankly , I don't know . It helps that Sis works full time but I think she's been like this since childhood and they have built up an immunity .

No amount of talking to her has any impact . She has convinced herself that you NEEEEEED her "help " . If you fight back , she practically pats you on the head as if you were a petulent toddler who won't take your medicine because you don't know it's good for you .
The key to avoiding trouble is to learn to recognize it from a distance.